After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[lolablue17]

Tell her you cannot genuinely give her friendship right now and that it's best you two not speak at all.

 

Why should he tell her anything?

 

Do not reply. I repeat - do not reply. Remember when you said "If there's worse, i don't want to see it? Well, if you reply, you will see this "worse".

[TexasGuy12]

I responded "I'm glad you were honest. Hearing what you said hurt. I never wanted to give up on you and us, but I realize I have to."

 

I regret sending that for a couple reasons. First, I waited to hear my phone buzz all night. Never did.

 

Secondly, I wish her last memory of me would have been her ending the phone call so coldy.

 

This is Day 1 and while yesterday was absolutely brutal, not having any hope is going to suit me well I think.

 

Hopefully one day she'll look back on yesterday and realize she screwed up, but that's mostly for my ego. I could never be with her after how she talked to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Now it's time to block. Stop tip-toeing around it and get it done.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I responded "I'm glad you were honest. Hearing what you said hurt. I never wanted to give up on you and us, but I realize I have to."

 

I regret sending that for a couple reasons. First, I waited to hear my phone buzz all night. Never did.

 

Secondly, I wish her last memory of me would have been her ending the phone call so coldy.

 

 

Don't regret it or give what you did more thought try to quash that notion when you start down that thought path. The only reason you are second guessing how you ended things is because of this:

 

Hopefully one day she'll look back on yesterday and realize she screwed up,

 

Your brain is trying to avoid pain at any costs right now so it sticks to the notion of "winning her back" as a coping mechanism to prevent you from accepting the painful truth and to stop suffering.

 

I started watching some youtube videos of this psychologist who is AWESOME that goes under the name of "spartanlifecoach" and he explained the brain post break-up perfectly. This is only one school of thought but take it if you will...

 

To sum it up, the brain intrinsically is not equip to create happiness it is only equip for survival. Post-breakup your thoughts will not lead you to a rational path to happiness but rather a path away from danger or less pain. The brain only wants to preserve humanity. It's only purpose is to ensure you survive, not that you "survive happily"

 

Every time you second-guess how you did things and want to find a way to keep that hope alive that she will regret her decision and come back to you is the brain saying "I'll come up with anything I have to, to stop feeling pain because pain right now will kill me, it = danger"

 

See it for what it is. You did the right thing. Her inaction is the answer that you gave her what she ultimately wanted. I'm sorry to say that, but it's a reality we all have had to face.

[TexasGuy12]

Serious question here. What is the point of blocking their phone # if you never intend to respond to them or answer a call?

 

Blocking them won't prevent us from reaching out if we are ever in that emotional state where we take a step backwards and do so.

 

But personally, I feel like if she did ever reach out to me, I'd want to know, not that I'd respond, but I'd want to know and I'd want to see what she says.

 

What's the harm in that if you're fully committed inside to not responding?

[NopeNah]

Serious question here. What is the point of blocking their phone # if you never intend to respond to them or answer a call?

 

Blocking them won't prevent us from reaching out if we are ever in that emotional state where we take a step backwards and do so.

 

But personally, I feel like if she did ever reach out to me, I'd want to know, not that I'd respond, but I'd want to know and I'd want to see what she says.

 

What's the harm in that if you're fully committed inside to not responding?

The point of it is....You, yourself responded as soon as she reached out. Had she been blocked that wouldn't have happened.

[TexasGuy12]

The point of it is....You, yourself responded as soon as she reached out. Had she been blocked that wouldn't have happened.

 

Well I blame that on Blanco because otherwise I never would have responded

 

Seriously though, she reached out, I responded. She didn't answer. I felt crappy all night. She was cold on the phone. I have all the evidence to know that she has moved on and more importantly that she doesn't deserve me if she's going to treat me this way after everything we've been through.

 

If she texts me "how are you" in 25 days, I have full confidence that I won't even consider a response, but it would be an ego boost knowing that I'm on her mind. If that sounds weak, that's fine, just being honest.

[NopeNah]

Well I blame that on Blanco because otherwise I never would have responded

 

Seriously though, she reached out, I responded. She didn't answer. I felt crappy all night. She was cold on the phone. I have all the evidence to know that she has moved on and more importantly that she doesn't deserve me if she's going to treat me this way after everything we've been through.

 

If she texts me "how are you" in 25 days, I have full confidence that I won't even consider a response, but it would be an ego boost knowing that I'm on her mind. If that sounds weak, that's fine, just being honest.

 

Look,buddy...She doesn't care..simple. She going out with the guy tonight(probably,maybe all weekend?)...She has ZERO care of your feelings! Not one little gram...she'll probably sleep with him tonight,or someone else..the sooner you accept the reality that this is over,the better off you'll be.

 

I'm not typing this to be mean, but lets face it.. If you, yourself were going out with a girl that left her guy....what would you two be doing tonight?

 

Time to block her from ALL contact and move on. Also be glad you do not have kids together!

 

Go do your thing and forget about this one...there's seriously A LOT out there!!

[BC1980]

Serious question here. What is the point of blocking their phone # if you never intend to respond to them or answer a call?

 

Blocking them won't prevent us from reaching out if we are ever in that emotional state where we take a step backwards and do so.

 

But personally, I feel like if she did ever reach out to me, I'd want to know, not that I'd respond, but I'd want to know and I'd want to see what she says.

 

What's the harm in that if you're fully committed inside to not responding?

 

Because if she contacts you, it will trigger certain emotions. And speaking from experience, those emotions are not going to be helpful to your recovery.

[BC1980]

Well I blame that on Blanco because otherwise I never would have responded

 

Seriously though, she reached out, I responded. She didn't answer. I felt crappy all night. She was cold on the phone. I have all the evidence to know that she has moved on and more importantly that she doesn't deserve me if she's going to treat me this way after everything we've been through.

 

If she texts me "how are you" in 25 days, I have full confidence that I won't even consider a response, but it would be an ego boost knowing that I'm on her mind. If that sounds weak, that's fine, just being honest.

 

Feeling an ego boost isn't weak, but it's not helping you move on. I've felt those momentary ego boosts, and the boost is short lived. You usually feel worse afterwards. Your goal is indifference. Your goal is to associate little or no emotion with her. An ego boost means you feel an emotional response from her, and I can guarantee you won't move on so long as she can evoke a meaningful emotional reaction from you.

[BC1980]

The point of it is....You, yourself responded as soon as she reached out. Had she been blocked that wouldn't have happened.

 

And it's easy to feel like you would never respond. In 2 months, you might have a moment of weakness. Protect yourself from succumbing to a weak moment.

[Blanco]

Co-sign everything BC said.

 

Being dumped sucks in part because you feel like a major life decision was made for you. You feel like you had no control over the situation. In a sense, you didn't. All you have control over is how you conduct yourself from here on out.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you'd ever want her back. It doesn't matter if you don't plan to respond. When your ex reaches out at some point, it will weigh on your mind and cause you to over-analyze. And she will reach out at some point.

 

I didn't want my ex back, either, but when she would periodically text me, it would trigger a flood of thoughts and feelings within me. It gave me the ego boost that she was reaching out despite having a boyfriend. Alas, the ego boosts were temporary and before I knew it, I'd wasted another few weeks on this failed relationship.

 

Blocking her number was one of the more liberating things I've done and I haven't regretted it for a moment.

[Simon Phoenix]

Serious question here. What is the point of blocking their phone # if you never intend to respond to them or answer a call?

 

Blocking them won't prevent us from reaching out if we are ever in that emotional state where we take a step backwards and do so.

 

But personally, I feel like if she did ever reach out to me, I'd want to know, not that I'd respond, but I'd want to know and I'd want to see what she says.

 

What's the harm in that if you're fully committed inside to not responding?

 

Because even if you don't respond, you're racking your brain wondering why she's texting you, what it could possibly mean and wondering whether or not she'll try again and how she might go about trying again. Even if you don't respond it's polluting your brain with useless bulls--t, which is counterproductive in the healing process.

 

If you block, there's nothing to wonder about, it's a form of freedom. You really need to stop trying to make the simple complicated.

[TexasGuy12]

2 days of NC after the email/phone call in the books. It's been way easier since the phone call, still not easy by any means, but I'm not at rock bottom like I was 3-5 days ago.

 

Also, since the phone call, I feel like I look at girls differently as well. If I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I can look at her for who she is and not think about my ex right away.

 

I deleted Tinder and all of the "distraction" outlets that I had and decided that I need to work on myself before I even try to go out and even casually date (thanks again for the very wise advice there). But I definitely have noticed that I have begun to notice other girls as who they are and not just as a replacement, if that makes sense.

 

I really want to thank all of you again for your help. I swear, and I'm not being dramatic, I feel like I got more help and support on here than I would have going to see a $150/hour therapist. You all have been so great and really showed a great understanding of the position I'm in.

 

I also took all of your guys advice and blocked her number.

 

The one thing is, as cold as she was, I still feel like I'd be open to reconciliation down the line if it was her idea and she apologized/explained herself. I did not feel that way 48 hours ago, so it just goes to show you that I have a looooooong way to go. But just thought I'd mention that. I'm curious to know/predict at what time frame will I get to the point where I really wouldn't even want to see her.

Edited August 15, 2016 by TexasGuy12

[TexasGuy12]

One more quick point, just because I like discussions and you guys are all smart and seem to enjoy conversing as well...

 

All of the NC contact guides that I've read, both on here and elsewhere, never recommend breaking it. I truly feel that the manner in which I broke it was extremely beneficial to me for the long-term.

 

In a situation where a breakup happens somewhat out of the blue, and the dumpee goes NC either right away or fairly soon, the dumpee could very well be questioning the thoughts of the dumper. Does she regret it? Does she want to reach out but is scared? Did she reach out but I don't know because she's blocked? In a situation like this, I feel like it did me very well to get a "re-confirmation" that she is in fact standing by her decision. This has allowed me to move on without expecting a text to come or a phone call or a knock at the door. It's allowed me to move on and know she's not coming back.

 

Just pointing that out as a case study that in some cases, perhaps it's better to break NC if it eliminates a lot of those thoughts a couple weeks after going NC. Just a thought.

[Simon Phoenix]

One more quick point, just because I like discussions and you guys are all smart and seem to enjoy conversing as well...

 

All of the NC contact guides that I've read, both on here and elsewhere, never recommend breaking it. I truly feel that the manner in which I broke it was extremely beneficial to me for the long-term.

 

In a situation where a breakup happens somewhat out of the blue, and the dumpee goes NC either right away or fairly soon, the dumpee could very well be questioning the thoughts of the dumper. Does she regret it? Does she want to reach out but is scared? Did she reach out but I don't know because she's blocked? In a situation like this, I feel like it did me very well to get a "re-confirmation" that she is in fact standing by her decision. This has allowed me to move on without expecting a text to come or a phone call or a knock at the door. It's allowed me to move on and know she's not coming back.

 

Just pointing that out as a case study that in some cases, perhaps it's better to break NC if it eliminates a lot of those thoughts a couple weeks after going NC. Just a thought.

 

You think too much dude. I don't think it was beneficial for you to break it because you would have been able to come to those conclusions yourself over time. However, you breaking it at this time isn't killer as long as it's a one-off moment of weakness (or a two-day moment in your case). But no, it's not good to "break it" to get rejected a second time. I think as you get older and a bit more self-confidence you'll realize that you don't need to be broken up with multiple times for you to get going to where you need to go.

[TexasGuy12]

Today (Friday) will be 7 days NC since I sent that email. These past 7 days have been so, so much better than the previous week. Hearing how cold she was has really helped me. I no longer look at my phone thinking she could text or call. No more looking at her social media.

 

One thing though that's really hard, is when I'm out and about and I see places or things that remind me of times that we've had. We were a pretty active couple, so whenever I venture out in the city, I see bars where we hung out/spent New Years Eve, places where we got our favorite food, benches where we kissed, etc. Those moments really suck, because they bring back all the memories and remind me how F'd up it is that it's all gone and especially how fast it happened.

 

Wondering how you guys get past those kind of reminders?

[Karel]

Hi Texasguy,

 

 

I've been reading your posts and the posts of the others here for a while, and thought...well, why not share my own thoughts and experience. Without spending too much time on describing my own situation, it is very similar to yours actually. I also saw 'her' (she broke up with me after a year...leaving me devastated) now around two weeks ago, after 4 weeks of NC. Seeing her also took away the hope I still had, and all the ideas that she was crying over me, and regretting her decision, but didnt dare to contact me....etc.... It was not like that.... and in that sense it was good.... just like your experience.

 

 

Yet, at the same time.... now after 2 weeks I start thinking the same.... How is she feeling NOW? Has anything changed...etc? What I basically try to say is...the thoughts about 'what if she does this, what if she rings...what if I see her...', these thoughts will probably just come back to you. This is what I experience now. I think (and hope) it is all just part of the 'process'.

 

 

People say: You should let her go. Of course you should, the problem is you CANT. You are the only one I think who truly can feel: Okay, now its enough... I have spent enough energy now on this girl. I move on.

 

 

I dont really see the benefit of telling yourself you SHOULD move on now, because it only makes you feel worse if you notice that in fact you cant. This is what helps me best.... Just accepting the current situation sucks. Try to notice the moments you feel less horrible. Realize that feelings change. Always. There is not so much you can DO now to make you feel better. Yes, distraction is good, talk about it, excercise, etc. But nothing will prevent you from feeling completely empty or sad from time to time. ACCEPT it. And for the rest, I think 'we' should just have a little trust that time will do its work....

 

 

All the best!

 

 

K

[Karel]

Oh, and about your question. I wouldnt worry to much about seeing so many 'reminders' of your ex. My experience is that you will see them everywhere. Every song is about you two. Etc. I would say, do not visit these places on purpose, but neither should you try to completely avoid them.

 

 

What helps me from time to time is to recognize a romantic thought/memory I have as one, saying to myself 'Hey, I have a romantic memory again'...I have gave it a number... 'Oh, that's a 1'..... If I think about her with someone else I think 'Oh, thats a 4'. It can kind of help you to distance yourself a little from your thoughts.....

[TexasGuy12]

Hi Texasguy,

 

 

I've been reading your posts and the posts of the others here for a while, and thought...well, why not share my own thoughts and experience. Without spending too much time on describing my own situation, it is very similar to yours actually. I also saw 'her' (she broke up with me after a year...leaving me devastated) now around two weeks ago, after 4 weeks of NC. Seeing her also took away the hope I still had, and all the ideas that she was crying over me, and regretting her decision, but didnt dare to contact me....etc.... It was not like that.... and in that sense it was good.... just like your experience.

 

 

Yet, at the same time.... now after 2 weeks I start thinking the same.... How is she feeling NOW? Has anything changed...etc? What I basically try to say is...the thoughts about 'what if she does this, what if she rings...what if I see her...', these thoughts will probably just come back to you. This is what I experience now. I think (and hope) it is all just part of the 'process'.

 

 

People say: You should let her go. Of course you should, the problem is you CANT. You are the only one I think who truly can feel: Okay, now its enough... I have spent enough energy now on this girl. I move on.

 

 

I dont really see the benefit of telling yourself you SHOULD move on now, because it only makes you feel worse if you notice that in fact you cant. This is what helps me best.... Just accepting the current situation sucks. Try to notice the moments you feel less horrible. Realize that feelings change. Always. There is not so much you can DO now to make you feel better. Yes, distraction is good, talk about it, excercise, etc. But nothing will prevent you from feeling completely empty or sad from time to time. ACCEPT it. And for the rest, I think 'we' should just have a little trust that time will do its work....

 

 

All the best!

 

 

K

 

Hi Karel - means a lot that you would choose to begin posting in an attempt to help me through this. Thank you very much for that.

 

When you saw her, was it a planned meeting, or did you accidentally run into her and she was very cold/un-relationship like towards you? I often wonder what would happen if I ran into her, because like I said, I've never been in her presence being anything other than lovers.

 

Also, I definitely see the point you were trying to make with me and the intention to let me know that while it seems great now, those thoughts will come back. I know that, and they have to some extent. But all i have to do is think back to that phone call, and there is no way in hell I am going back there. No way. So that squashes whatever urge I have to contact her. Yeah, I might wonder if her feelings have changed or if she's thinking about me, but no way can I contact her and give her the satisfaction of being that person to me again. If she wants to contact me, she knows where to find me.

[jphcbpa]

It takes time and time takes time. Keep taking care of yourself. I would suggest taking the rest of the year off from dating, even casual. Really pour into you and what you want your life to look like. You are the priority in your life. Allow this bu to open you up more fully. Become a 10 times better version of yourself. 18 months from now you will not recognize yourself. Down the line you will attract a much better partner because you will have taken the time out for you. KNOW that your next relationship will be better....because you are a better man. There is no time line on healing and there is no amount of sex, drug or rock and roll (distractions) that can get you to the healing finish line any faster. You have to feel it to heal it. Cry your eyes out if needed, no shame. Journaling helped me tremendously and therapy. Invest in you ! This is your chance to build an amazing foundation of your life that can last the balance of your time on the planet. Remember, the only thing worse than no contact is contact my friend. Blessings

[Mr_Fox]

Texas - I feel your pain, Man. But people do keep secrets from each other whether we like it or not but you made such a big deal of it. Which blew it all out of proportion.

 

One other thing, you said you were never invested 100% in her but said you loved her. But she would certainly have picked up on the not 100% believe me! Woman have good intuition regarding such things.

 

Meanwhile make a new life for yourself, give her some time and space then maybe she will be back in touch?

 

Good luck!

[TexasGuy12]

Texas - I feel your pain, Man. But people do keep secrets from each other whether we like it or not but you made such a big deal of it. Which blew it all out of proportion.

 

One other thing, you said you were never invested 100% in her but said you loved her. But she would certainly have picked up on the not 100% believe me! Woman have good intuition regarding such things.

 

Meanwhile make a new life for yourself, give her some time and space then maybe she will be back in touch?

 

Good luck!

 

Hey Mr Fox, appreciate your post and insight!

 

Yeah, I did make a big deal about it, but I don't regret that at all. If someone who I go to bed with every night can't tell me who in the world is talking crap about me, then I think that's a pretty big issue.

 

As for the not 100% in, to be clear, I was 100% in love with her, but I always hesitated a bit due to her mental issues. Even though she obviously doesn't read this board, I just feel weird posting too in depth about that side of the relationship, and admittedly I realize that doesn't give you guys the full scope. So if she felt that, she only has herself to blame. Anyone on here that has dated people with BPD or similar afflictions would get that. I was always there and always helped her through it, so that just makes the whole thing sting even more.

[Mr_Fox]

Texas - Maybe she did not tell you so because she did not want to upset you and/or knew how you might react to the other person. There are more angles then you realise.

 

I am not saying you are to blame for anything. But it is always a good idea to take a look at oneself first.

 

Also, to put oneself in the position of the other to understand why they do things can give a new perspective on things. But many people don't or can't do that. Try it and see.

[LD1990]

Texas - Maybe she did not tell you so because she did not want to upset you and/or knew how you might react to the other person. There are more angles then you realise.

 

Here's the only angle that matters - another guy was badmouthing TexasGuy because he wanted to get in this girl's pants. She didn't tell him, threw it in his face later during an argument, and then decided protecting this guy's identity was more important than her relationship.

 

More angles to consider? Screw that. When you're in a serious relationship with someone, they're supposed to be the number one person in your life, meaning you're loyal to them first and foremost. This girl wasn't, she chose loyalty to a friend over loyalty to her boyfriend, and that's ****ed up to do to your significant other.

 

Quite honestly, there's nothing I hate more than disloyalty. You didn't do anything wrong TexasGuy. I'd rather go through this life with a select few loyal people in my corner than 50 snakes who hide things because they think they know what's best for me.