After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

Here's the only angle that matters - another guy was badmouthing TexasGuy because he wanted to get in this girl's pants. She didn't tell him, threw it in his face later during an argument, and then decided protecting this guy's identity was more important than her relationship.

 

More angles to consider? Screw that. When you're in a serious relationship with someone, they're supposed to be the number one person in your life, meaning you're loyal to them first and foremost. This girl wasn't, she chose loyalty to a friend over loyalty to her boyfriend, and that's ****ed up to do to your significant other.

 

Quite honestly, there's nothing I hate more than disloyalty. You didn't do anything wrong TexasGuy. I'd rather go through this life with a select few loyal people in my corner than 50 snakes who hide things because they think they know what's best for me.

 

Thanks LD - I feel the same way about loyalty, so I don't feel bad about how I handled the situation. I see what Mr Fox is saying though, it's not all about my perspective, but hers. If she feels like I blew it out of proportion, that could very well be the case. Doesn't make her right, but that could be the case.

 

Here's the deal, as she ended up telling me the last time I saw her in person when we were making a last ditch effort to make things work.

 

I run a pretty public business. 2 years ago, we made some changes in the business, resulting in letting 5 employees go. Those employees signed confidentiality agreements in order to receive their severance pay, due to the public nature of the business. One of those employees is the one that reached out to her and said things about me. He told her that if she told me, he was worried I would come after him for his money so he made her promise not to tell me. I am no where near as petty as to do something like that. My ex was hott and he's a guy trying to get in her pants. Guys that are desperate for girls do things like that. While it makes me think less of him, I would never interfere business with personal life.

 

So yeah, after 18 months, she should have trusted me enough to tell me that, and known, given my temperment and the kind of person that I am, that I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

[TexasGuy12]

I hope it's okay to post thoughts in this thread, not trying to hog the board, but posting on here is a really awesome outlet for me.

 

I've had a GREAT 9 days of NC. I was having a boring night, can't sleep, I ended up caving and looked at her social media. I'm not really sure why I even did it, because I wasn't really sad or anything. I was just thinking and did it.

 

It definitely affected me, but not nearly like it did 2 weeks ago. It's not a good thing to do...I should follow my own advice and stay away from it. But I am glad that I am having a MUCH better reaction to it than I would have a couple weeks ago. I'm definitely improving and making progress. I'm actually surprised at the progress I've made, and you guys on here are a huge reason why.

 

Moral of the story: I'm doing better. No urge to contact her. Still obviously working out some kinks and taking small steps back here and there, but trying to learn from them.

[BC1980]

I hope it's okay to post thoughts in this thread, not trying to hog the board, but posting on here is a really awesome outlet for me.

 

I've had a GREAT 9 days of NC. I was having a boring night, can't sleep, I ended up caving and looked at her social media. I'm not really sure why I even did it, because I wasn't really sad or anything. I was just thinking and did it.

 

It definitely affected me, but not nearly like it did 2 weeks ago. It's not a good thing to do...I should follow my own advice and stay away from it. But I am glad that I am having a MUCH better reaction to it than I would have a couple weeks ago. I'm definitely improving and making progress. I'm actually surprised at the progress I've made, and you guys on here are a huge reason why.

 

Moral of the story: I'm doing better. No urge to contact her. Still obviously working out some kinks and taking small steps back here and there, but trying to learn from them.

 

Good for you for going 9 days. Social media is a hard thing. It can tear away at your progress. One day, you will log on and see something you don't want to see. Even just peeking here and there isn't good either.

[Lois_Griffin]

You are SUCH a sweet, kindhearted young man. It just oozes from every single word you write.

 

I wish you the absolute best because you deserve it.

 

There's something wonderful waiting out there for you.

[TexasGuy12]

You are SUCH a sweet, kindhearted young man. It just oozes from every single word you write.

 

I wish you the absolute best because you deserve it.

 

There's something wonderful waiting out there for you.

 

 

Thanks for saying that

[TexasGuy12]

Last 2 nights I've stayed up late and I find my mind wandering and thinking about her. Not even sure what specifically I'm thinking about. Looking at her social media definitely set me back, as today, while nothing like my worst days, was the toughest day I've had since breaking NC. So, just reinforces the lesson that I shouldn't look. Just as the phone call reinforced that I shouldn't talk to her. As long as I learn from my mistakes and don't make the same one twice, I can deal with taking a small step back every now and then.

 

Just so weird that she's a total stranger to me right now. I had a voice memo email from her from back in April. I legitimately found it by accident tonight just scrolling through my email. I listened to it and it brought back that "sick feeling" of the breakup. Like that voice that I heard every single day, that happy voice, is totally gone....it now belongs to someone else. Very, very weird.

 

I wonder how long it will take for these nights to not appear out of no where.

[TexasGuy12]

So...Trying to keep improving, but I freaking dream about her every night! Last night I had a dream that I saw her, her new bf, and her daughter running around at the park all happy and they didn't even notice I was there. Man, the mind can be very cruel and mean sometimes! Why couldn't I just dream about pizza or something?

 

And during the day, I have these moments pop up where I just have a knot in my stomach and I want to throw up. Most of my upset moments involve thinking about how it would be if I saw her and interacted with her OUTSIDE of our relationship ways, and then I'd say followed closely behind "How does she STILL not give a crap?"

 

So, still doing good, still moving forward, way better than the first week or so I posted here...but I guess it's not going as quickly as I'd like, especially because I felt so much better after the phone call as far as moving on, and now I'm dropping back a bit. (Which someone on there predicted would happen, and like clockwork, it did).

[BC1980]

So...Trying to keep improving, but I freaking dream about her every night! Last night I had a dream that I saw her, her new bf, and her daughter running around at the park all happy and they didn't even notice I was there. Man, the mind can be very cruel and mean sometimes! Why couldn't I just dream about pizza or something?

 

And during the day, I have these moments pop up where I just have a knot in my stomach and I want to throw up. Most of my upset moments involve thinking about how it would be if I saw her and interacted with her OUTSIDE of our relationship ways, and then I'd say followed closely behind "How does she STILL not give a crap?"

 

So, still doing good, still moving forward, way better than the first week or so I posted here...but I guess it's not going as quickly as I'd like, especially because I felt so much better after the phone call as far as moving on, and now I'm dropping back a bit. (Which someone on there predicted would happen, and like clockwork, it did).

 

It took me a long time to feel normal again. All of what you described is normal and will be with you for awhile. Weird dreams like that. Or weird feelings during the day. You are trying to get to a new normal.

[Karel]

Hey man,

 

 

sorry to hear you feel bad. And that you are having unpleasant dreams. I am afraid it will stay like this for a while. I am going through the same process. Sometimes I feel okay, sometimes absolutely ****. I try not to work 'too hard' on moving on, and feeling better.... Just going with the flow works better for me. It also helps me from not being too hard on myself or disappointed if I actually feel worse than the day before, without any direct causes. Small steps... I know, its such a cliché, but hey!? Most clichés are pretty much true....

 

 

Keep it up!

[TexasGuy12]

So freaking sick of updating this thread, but I can't help it. I went out tonight with some really good friends and had a great time. She wasn't on my mind AT ALL. Hasn't been much. Driving home at 3AM and I very randomly started thinking about her. And it didn't stop.

 

I came home and looked at her Twitter. Saw her liking a tweet that said how nice it is to be with someone who appreciates you and is just as happy to see you as you are them. She also liked a post that said "Being Happy is great. Try it some time."

 

Her Twitter is blocked, but you can still see their tweets if you click the button to see them.

 

And she goes quiet every weekend, which is when she likely sees the dude she is with.

 

I also logged on a friends FB account so I could look at hers.

 

Cried tonight over her for the first time in a couple weeks.

 

Total meltdown and step back. Luckily, the urge to contact her is not there and has passed, so the total meltdown was not an epic catastrophic meltdown. But this still sucks. Saturday was 15 Days NC since the phone call. I always read that week 3 sucks balls. I can now confirm that.

 

It's just such an awful feeling. Just so. Freaking. Awful.

 

Any help or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

[sooshi]

This is why you stop looking at her stuff.

 

No contact really goes a long way in healing.

 

Take care.

[BC1980]

Social media will be the death of you, and you won't recover. I know it's hard, but you can't look. Maybe take yourself off social media if that's what it takes. Social media is tough even for people who are at happy times in their lives. I deactivated my FB for a month last year, and it was great.

[TexasGuy12]

Social media will be the death of you, and you won't recover. I know it's hard, but you can't look. Maybe take yourself off social media if that's what it takes. Social media is tough even for people who are at happy times in their lives. I deactivated my FB for a month last year, and it was great.

 

Yeah, unfortunately I need to be on social media for business purposes so deactivating them really isn't an option. She is blocked on my FB and Twitter, and the extra work in seeing someone's stuff who is blocked has stopped me for 1-2 weeks at a time, but one weak moment and I am not strong enough to resist the urges.

 

Funny, I always thought No Contact meant no contact WITH THE PERSON. Now I'm starting to see why all of you guys are so adamant about no contact or seeing anything of any sort. It truly does dramatically slow down the healing.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you're kind of being your own worst enemy. There's no real advice here except to stop caving. That's something you have to do on your own. A little discipline goes a long way. Whenever you have a drunken urge (or any urge), sleep on it. Almost always you'll wake up and be extremely happy that you didn't go down the rabbit hole.

[BC1980]

Funny, I always thought No Contact meant no contact WITH THE PERSON. Now I'm starting to see why all of you guys are so adamant about no contact or seeing anything of any sort. It truly does dramatically slow down the healing.

 

A lot of people come here with that idea. Since my ex didn't do social media, I never had to think about how social media would impede my recovery. But after hanging around her for awhile and reading numerous threads, I can tell you that social media is probably one of the most damaging things to a recovery. Social media provides a false way to stay in someone's life or to make the person relevant to you. And it's so easy to do. You can virtual stalk anyone to your heart's content because who will know? I think staying away from social media might be one of the most important things you can do for your recovery.

 

People come here, after years, and wonder why they are still hurt, sad, angry, ext. about an EX. It usually comes out that they have been keeping up with the EX on social media, even just here and there. When I found out my ex was engaged, I looked at his wife's FB page, and it made me feel terrible. I was so disgusted at myself for doing that. It just brought back too many negative emotions, and this was after a year of NC. I ended up blocking her because we have mutual friends, and she would pop up every now and then in pictures and commenting on the same posts.

[Grapefruit6]

I always read that week 3 sucks balls. I can now confirm that.

 

 

Yes week 3 really sucks. For my breakups involving NC, the ex's have always broke it in week 3. It is like clock work.

 

Try this app "breakup freedom" it's helped me with NC.

[NopeNah]

Social media is also a HUGE facade only showing the "best" of their(or your) life. Sure you get occasional people who post up EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM(This drives me mad!) they're going through but, for the most part it's all a front of how fabulous their life's are.

[NopeNah]

 

Try this app "breakup freedom" it's helped me with NC.

Wow! There really is an app for everything!

[BC1980]

Social media is also a HUGE facade only showing the "best" of their(or your) life. Sure you get occasional people who post up EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM(This drives me mad!) they're going through but, for the most part it's all a front of how fabulous their life's are.

 

I've started to back away from social media for this very reason. I used to go months without using social media, and I was happier for it.

 

Save

[NopeNah]

I've started to back away from social media for this very reason. I used to go months without using social media, and I was happier for it.

 

Save

Then the political nonsense!

I use it to kill time while working and only post things work related(PR) or things I find funny(Mostly crude ).

[TexasGuy12]

I mean, you're kind of being your own worst enemy. There's no real advice here except to stop caving. That's something you have to do on your own. A little discipline goes a long way. Whenever you have a drunken urge (or any urge), sleep on it. Almost always you'll wake up and be extremely happy that you didn't go down the rabbit hole.

 

Sleeping on it is definitely good advice. Like a deal with myself. "Okay, you know what you want to do, if you still want to tomorrow morning, you're allowed to." 99.99% of the time, I wouldn't want to.

 

That said, "not caving" is way, way easier said than done, especially because you're only considering it when you're already in a sad/F'd up/altered state for whatever reason.

 

It sucks that 1000 moments of strength can be totally wiped away by 1...just 1...moment of weakness. That's a lot to absorb and we're not all that strong.

[TexasGuy12]

Oh, and thank you guys again. I'm sure I'll be in this thread again and some point needing to get reeled back in. Helps me tremendously that you're all here to help. I can't wait to return the favor to everyone over the coming months/years. I'll be on this site forever, helping in anyway I can.

 

For now, I'm focusing on the positives that I haven't contacted her, haven't had any urge whatsoever to do that, and she has no idea what's going on in my life, which is how I want it.

[TexasGuy12]

Posting an update on this every couple days really helps me, as I have so many thoughts and this outlet helps me release them from inside of me. For those of you that have kept helping me through this and checking in this thread, I appreciate it more than words can explain. Even if no one responds, I feel better just sharing all of this.

 

The good news - 22 days NC after the phone call. No urge to contact her. I'm getting better, thinking about her less, enjoying life more. 3 weeks ago I never could have imagined feeling this good. So for anyone on here that is several weeks behind where I am in my journey, take it from me. I was a mess, was probably a couple days away from going to see a therapist, and I have made tremendous strides. So hang in there!

 

The bad news - Last night, one week after I looked at her Twitter, I had a VERY strong urge to do so again. Several times. I went so far as to begin typing her name in to search for her. But I stopped myself. I bargained with myself to just sleep it off, and if I still wanted to look in the morning, I would allow myself with no resistance. Of course, when I woke up, I had no interest in looking.

 

It happened 2 weekends in a row driving home from a night out. I wasn't drunk either night, so it wasn't that. Rather, I think being out and about makes me think about all the special nights that we had together. All the really cool times, and the drives home, the sex and special talks after. Driving home alone is much different. It all really hits home. Last night, I was at the bar where we had our first New Years Eve kiss and perhaps the best night of my life (it's very popular in a hopping part of town, so it's hard to avoid) so I think that might have subconsciously have something to do with it. But it's weird. 2 straight weekend nights have gotten me. And they have been the last 2 nights that I've cried over her.

 

I also wanted to comment on a "feeling" that I have sometimes when I think about the entire situation. I can't put it into words, and I was wondering if anyone else knew what feeling I was describing. And it's so hard to describe. Like, I'll be putting groceries away, and I think of her, and I think of her now with someone else, not thinking about me...I think of how she would react if I ran into her, and like - I just get a feeling inside of me that I can't explain. Not trying to be dramatic, I just can't put it into words. Like a "this isn't how it's supposed to be feeling." I don't know - really hard to explain. Can anyone else relate to that? Just a very uneasy feeling inside.

 

Some other random points that I want to make as I'm interested if anyone else can relate.

 

- I don't have her # blocked, and I do want her to contact me very badly. I want her to contact me just so I can ignore her, because I just want to know that she still thinks about me and cares. I know that's so pathetic, but it's the honest truth and I need to be honest with myself.

 

- I've thought about "Would I really want her back?" And I've come to the conclusion that, at any given moment, she's the only girl that I'd wanna be with. Like if I had to pick someone to come see Springsteen with me on Wednesday...anyone in the world, it would be her. If I had to pick someone to cuddle with all night and watch TV, it would be her. But if I had to honestly check a box that said "I'd like to spend my next 2 years with her," I wouldn't do it. Does that make any sense at all?

 

- I check my local missed connections every couple days thinking she might post about me. Hoping she would. Again, pathetic I know.

 

- I look for her when I'm out because while we don't have the same social circle, and I very well could go a year without seeing her, I could just as easily run into her as well, so I'm always looking for her. Wondering what I'd say. How I'd react. Wondering if she is just running away from the situation, and if seeing me would bring back all of her emotions - or if she would be able to be cold without feeling? Would she look into my eyes with that look that I remember so well? Or would she shake my hand and treat me like a good old buddy? Would she leave because she'd be uncomfortable? I've decided that if I see her, I will smile, ask how her daughter is doing, and say "I have to go, great seeing you though!" and keep walking. Then I'd probably cry for a long time, but I respect myself and have dignity and that's how I'd approach it.

 

So, clearly, I'm not even close to being over her as I still have all of these thoughts, but I really am doing better. God knows I wasn't afraid to admit when I wasn't. But in the depth of the night, and at random times throughout an otherwise perfectly normal day, it will hit me.

 

Oh, last thing - from looking at some other threads discussing BPD, I've come to the conclusion that she has a very severe case of that. I'm also pretty positive that's why she's had such an easy time moving on from me. Because she's always been very clingy and would cling back to me all the time. This time, I believe that she began cheating on me for whatever reason, and when things fell apart, she turned to him, and she's been with him ever since. I don't have much doubt that when that honeymoon period wears off, that she'll reach out to me when she finds herself alone after an argument or a breakup. Not sure what I'm getting at here, just talking out loud. It really helps Thanks everyone.

[Downtown]

I've come to the conclusion that she has a very severe case of [bPD].

David (aka, "TexasGuy"), well, you've finally said it -- something you've been suspecting for four weeks. I noticed that you started leaning toward that conclusion on Aug 8 (post #28), when you said your exGF is "eerily similar" to the woman who LD1990 described as having strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. The next day (your Aug 9 post #34), you concede that "as in LD's situation, my ex was a pretty emotional girl with some mental issues at times." Similarly, on Aug 10, you acknowledged that your exGF exhibits "mental instability" -- which is a hallmark of BPD.

 

Nine days later (post #98), you were much more forthcoming with us about your evolving perception of your exGF's unstable behaviors. You stated:

I always hesitated a bit due to her mental issues. Even though she obviously doesn't read this board, I just feel weird posting too in depth about that side of the relationship, and admittedly I realize that doesn't give you guys the full scope.

So

if she felt that, she only has herself to blame. Anyone on here that has dated people with BPD or similar afflictions would get that.

I'm going to post some signs that I noticed during and after the relationship, and see if you guys agree that she exhibited major symptoms of [bPD]. [Your post today in FrozenSushi's thread.]

David, I agree that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., her controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, verbal abuse, need for drama, neediness, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

She misrepresented who she is as a person. When we first met, she lied about things in an effort to make her more attractive to me (What she didn't realize is that I liked her just fine the way she was).

Lying is a narcissistic trait, not a BPD trait. Yet, if your exGF really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), it would not be surprising that she exhibits some strong NPD traits as well. The vast majority of folks exhibiting strong traits of a PD also exhibit strong traits of one or two other PDs.

 

My experience is that, although BPDers generally will lie when they find themselves in a corner and confronted with shame, they usually rely instead on another ego defense called "projection." Because a BPDer has a fragile ego, her subconscious works 24/7 protecting that weak ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she consciously believes that those bad thoughts and painful feelings are truly originating from her partner. This is why BPDers typically believe the outrageous allegations that are coming from their mouths. And, a week later when they are saying the exact opposite, they will believe THAT NONSENSE too. The beauty of projection as an ego defense is that -- unlike lying -- it is entirely guilt free because the BPDer is unaware that the projection originates from within her own subconscious mind.

 

I was a mess, was probably a couple days away from going to see a therapist.

If you really did date a BPDer for 18 months, consider yourself lucky that you only felt like "a mess" when she left. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

If you have not already done so, I would suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship and also avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, David.

[aloneinaz]

Texas guy-

 

I read your post and I'm sure you've seen my replies in the other thread. Everything you posted above DOWNTOWN is Normal. You're doing great. You do need to stay NC and absolutely avoid spying on her social media. It only sets you back. You need to live "out of sight, out of mind" so you can heal and get back to feel consistently great.

 

You can read my posts from 2013 and see how I progressed after a BPD relationship. I stayed hardcore NC. She NEVER heard another word from me after she ended it. I was a mess for the first 30 days. I then felt better to the point of dating again after 2 months. THAT really helped me get out of the house and realize there are millions of NORMAL women out there who wanted what I sought.

 

I share something else. You will continue to think about this ex but the thoughts will ease and the frequency of those thoughts will be wider and wider apart. Even when you're in your next R/S, you'll occasionally think of that ex. Again, it's NORMAL to do so.

 

The good news is after you're in a new R/S with a new gal you really dig, if thoughts of the ex come up, they be more like "thank goodness I'm not dealing with that nightmare anymore".