After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

Texas guy-

 

I read your post and I'm sure you've seen my replies in the other thread. Everything you posted above DOWNTOWN is Normal. You're doing great. You do need to stay NC and absolutely avoid spying on her social media. It only sets you back. You need to live "out of sight, out of mind" so you can heal and get back to feel consistently great.

 

You can read my posts from 2013 and see how I progressed after a BPD relationship. I stayed hardcore NC. She NEVER heard another word from me after she ended it. I was a mess for the first 30 days. I then felt better to the point of dating again after 2 months. THAT really helped me get out of the house and realize there are millions of NORMAL women out there who wanted what I sought.

 

I share something else. You will continue to think about this ex but the thoughts will ease and the frequency of those thoughts will be wider and wider apart. Even when you're in your next R/S, you'll occasionally think of that ex. Again, it's NORMAL to do so.

 

The good news is after you're in a new R/S with a new gal you really dig, if thoughts of the ex come up, they be more like "thank goodness I'm not dealing with that nightmare anymore".

 

Hey aloneinaz. First, means the world that you have taken the time to help me, and your perspective is incredibly helpful as we have gone through something similar, but you are well farther along in the timeline. So thank you

 

I hear everything you're saying. And I am doing much better. But some moments just suck. And overall, like, I still love her. And I still care about her.

 

Not to get back on the BPD train (obviously that was a conflict for some people in the other thread), but I've seen posts refer to the fact that when those girls are in their "good frame of mind," that the experience can be otherworldly. Honestly, that's what I experienced with my ex, and that's what keeps me up at night.

 

The good times, were just SO F'ING good! Like her thoughtfulness, compassion, passion, everything about her is everything that I ever look for in a woman. Now, those times were few and far between, after the first 2 months which were pretty much fully that. But that's what I miss. And my head says that it could never be like that permanently with this girl. But my heart says that's what it wants.

 

It just really sucks and this feeling is awful. Nights suck for me, I'm a night owl and it just sucks.

 

Funny enough, one of my good friends is going through a breakup, and I'm helping him and it all seems to natural and easy for me when giving him advice. He's making all the mistakes. I'm advising him on NC, I know exactly what she's doing and thinking in her texts to him. It's like damn, I'm so rational and level headed when it comes to giving everyone else advice except myself!

 

As for your last point, I just don't see how I'm ever going to think of my ex i that way. She did a lot of messed up crap to me. Like things that I'm embarrassed to put in this thread, such as lying about being sick, etc. If I don't hate her now, and don't think that way now, I don't think I ever will. I love her unconditionally and I don't think she's a bad person. I think she has issues that she either doesn't know how to to fix, or that she doesn't even know exist because she's been living this way for so long.

 

IDK - just so many thoughts. Again, worst feeling in the world = heartbreak.

[TexasGuy12]

Weird how after the phone call in which I got some closure as far as how cold she was to me, I went through a much easier path for the next 14 days or so. Now that the coldness is fading, I'm getting sunk back into the remembering the good times and not the bad...thinking that with time, maybe her feelings have changed.

 

I don't even want her back in a relationship, I just want her back...that doesn't even make sense but that's how I feel.

 

I want her to text me desperately. I just want her to care.

 

The only solace I can take is that I'm not any closer to reaching out to her. 24 days NC and going strong.

[BC1980]

Weird how after the phone call in which I got some closure as far as how cold she was to me, I went through a much easier path for the next 14 days or so. Now that the coldness is fading, I'm getting sunk back into the remembering the good times and not the bad...thinking that with time, maybe her feelings have changed.

 

I don't even want her back in a relationship, I just want her back...that doesn't even make sense but that's how I feel.

 

I want her to text me desperately. I just want her to care.

 

The only solace I can take is that I'm not any closer to reaching out to her. 24 days NC and going strong.

 

That's the short high you get from the contact. It makes you feel okay for a bit, but the reality eventually sets in when there is no more contact. A lot of people would rather have an ex hate them than not care at all. Indifference can be really hard to comprehend.

[TexasGuy12]

Day 40 sucks!!!! Had like a 2 week period where I was doing really well, but thinking about her a lot the past couple days. I think reality is setting in that life really is moving on. Been 2 months since I saw her. 40 days since I talked to her. She really is becoming a stranger, which is just very sad to me.

[SoThatHappened]

I remember this phase... it sucks!

 

I also had her contact me a couple months after the breakup, and then again 3 months after the breakup.

 

I was on a small high after that contact, but once I ignored it and didn't hear from her again, the reality of things set in.

 

I had to accept the fact that it was truly over. By me ignoring her and sticking with NC, she probably accepted the fact that I wanted nothing to do with her (even though I was an absolute wreck).

 

It was sort of a "darkest before dawn" phase and I'm sure you're experiencing the same thing:

 

- It's actually over. It's real. No more "ex" in my life... ever.

 

It's a tough road to hoe, but if you can get over this hump, it will get better.

[aloneinaz]

Texas- understand you're breaking an addiction and habit. You know she wasn't good for you but there were things you did like. Breaking the habit of her and that R/S is going to take time. Just don't focus on it too much. Stay busy to keep yourself occupied. Stay NC, keep her blocked on everything and b4 you now it, you'll want to get out and start dating again.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

So bizarre reading this... You sound EXACTLY like me, and the dynamic of your relationship, also sounded exactly like mine! And to quote you towards the end of your narrative, you wrote "heartbreak is worse than...". And before I even finished reading, I thought to myself, "worse than losing my grandfather". For whom was my father as well.

 

But yeah man, I know your pain all too well. We were together for over 3 years, it's been just about exactly a year since I seen her last, AND today's her birthday. It's taking EVERYTHING I have in me to not text her happy birthday. I loved her to death, and she dumped me out of the blue one day. I only knew something was up 2-3 days prior to it happening. And when it did happen, that was the last time I ever saw her. Two months later, she got a new boyfriend, and they're still together. ...Or she was cheating on me. I am dead to her, no question. But I still live with her in my heart, and it's destroying me.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you man, I really do. But contacting her probably won't help. Hopefully you're the creative type, cause then you could harness the pain through a potentially healthy outlet. Either that, or say **** it, and get some Oxy's. That's the synthetic cure right there. But it will kill you eventually.

[BC1980]

Day 40 sucks!!!! Had like a 2 week period where I was doing really well, but thinking about her a lot the past couple days. I think reality is setting in that life really is moving on. Been 2 months since I saw her. 40 days since I talked to her. She really is becoming a stranger, which is just very sad to me.

 

It's a roller coaster of emotions. One day, you will think you are done, and, the next day, something will remind you of her, and you will be crying again. As times goes on (as long as you keep NC), the roller coaster becomes less and less. Your emotions even out more.

 

The worst part is when the reality sets in. After you go through the shock, and you realize you won't talk to her again. You are faced with the task of learning to live your life without her.

[TexasGuy12]

Ugh, just when I thought this was getting better!

 

Past couple days I have been closer than ever to texting her. Basically, I've been thinking that she's a very special, important part of my life, and that it's not right that we aren't talking. I feel like if I text her, and just be myself and stop this crazy, NC, that things could potentially get better. Even if we end up as friends, it's better than not having someone so special in my life.

 

Kind of a weird phase for me. But wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar?

 

(Today is 44 days NC by the way)

[BC1980]

That's bargaining. It's normal. I went through that twice before I committed to NC. Being friends is worse than nothing, but you sometimes have to live that out to understand it. You're bargaining a way to keep her in your life because it seems too painful never to talk to her again. That is tough stuff.

 

I'd really suggest you buy and read "The No Contact Rule." It speaks to about any justification you can come up with for breaking NC. But in the meantime, write out what you want to say when you text her and what your end game is in contacting her.

[BC1980]

44 days is a tough spot. I broke NC around that time. The first 90 were the worst because reality was setting in for me.

[TexasGuy12]

That's bargaining. It's normal. I went through that twice before I committed to NC. Being friends is worse than nothing, but you sometimes have to live that out to understand it. You're bargaining a way to keep her in your life because it seems too painful never to talk to her again. That is tough stuff.

 

I'd really suggest you buy and read "The No Contact Rule." It speaks to about any justification you can come up with for breaking NC. But in the meantime, write out what you want to say when you text her and what your end game is in contacting her.

 

Thanks for your words of advice as always BC.

 

I think part of it has to do with my first relationship (which brought me here for the first time) 6 years ago. My first love, she broke up with me, and I kept contacting her and trying (I didn't know what else to do). We got back together after 5 months of being apart, and I know that had I not contacted her, we never would have gotten back together. I ended up breaking up with her at the end of the second period, but the second go around was much better than the first, and I feel like when I contacted her and acted "normal" as opposed to trying to talk about what happened in the past, that's when we started moving forward.

 

I don't know. My first post was on August 8th and it's September 25th and I'm just so tired of the roller coaster. In general, I think I've been doing way better than I thought I would. I've been working out, hanging out with friends, having fun, focusing on work, etc. But then there are nights like these and I'm just so frustrated. And the unfortunate thing is I don't really know what triggers these moments.

[TexasGuy12]

44 days is a tough spot. I broke NC around that time. The first 90 were the worst because reality was setting in for me.

 

Yeah, a couple weeks ago I read a post where someone said that 40 days was the worst, and I didn't understand it because I had kept gradually getting better. But I've definitely taken a big step back.

 

I think everyone early on in the back of their mind thinks it's temporary and waits for their phone to buzz. But reality is really, really setting in for me.

[BC1980]

Yeah, a couple weeks ago I read a post where someone said that 40 days was the worst, and I didn't understand it because I had kept gradually getting better. But I've definitely taken a big step back.

 

I think everyone early on in the back of their mind thinks it's temporary and waits for their phone to buzz. But reality is really, really setting in for me.

 

I think denial is a powerful thing. I've read that denial is your brain's way of not overwhelming you all at once. You have to get rid of the denial bit by bit, and you do that by maintaining NC. I stayed in LC for 8 months, and it just became apparent that I was holding onto someone who didn't want me. I wanted to keep that proverbial door open because I had some fantasy he would come back, but it never happened. I finally decided that I was just an idiot for waiting around for him to maybe, possibly, not very likely want a second chance. At some point, I couldn't take myself seriously anymore.

 

You're at a tough juncture because the reality is setting in, and that's painful. Your instinct is going to be to contact her because it takes the pain away for the moment. But long term, it's not a good idea to contact her.

[TexasGuy12]

Welp I broke NC. I felt it coming and yesterday morning I surprised myself by actually pressing send on the text.

 

My thinking that went into it: Life is short, I love this girl, and playing this game is stupid. I wanted to be myself, and not pressure her into talking about the past, and over time, she would see that I'm really being myself and not like I was around the breakup, and fall back in love.

 

Talked yesterday, had normal conversation. She was friendly and seemed to be happy to hear from me.

 

The issue? I was anxious all day. Looking at my phone. It was F'ing awful.

 

I thought I could talk to her without it affecting the rest of my lie but I clearly can't do that.

 

Conversation ended last night. Today I texted her that I still cared. Sent her 3 texts. Not too awful but still, they were about feelings, etc.

 

Got a text back. "I appreciate you being in my life and I hope we can hang out again soon and have it not be weird."

 

Me: "So you legitimately have no feelings anymore."

 

Her: "I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry."

 

So basically I wasted 50 days of NC and here on September 29th, I'm back where I started. Only worse because now it's more real and more time has passed and there's no way in hell it's ever going to work out.

 

This is just so awful and I'm so pissed at myself and I can't even fathom starting over again. Tomorrow will be NC Day 1. I can't imagine that. I was doing so well and time was moving so fast. I can't believe what I did. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how someone loses feelings in a matter of weeks. It's all just a total nightmare and I'm just not cut out for this.

 

There's nothing anyone can even say to me. You all warned me not to do it. I did it anyway. 2 months completely wasted.

[aloneinaz]

Stop beating yourself up. We've all screwed up in our lives and relationships too. That's why many of us veterans pop in here and offer advice for what's worked for us and others.

 

Really, you should look at this as a positive. You now know there's no going back to her or that relationship. If anything, you eased all those "what if" doubts that you had that instigated you texting her.

 

I wouldn't get caught up in counting NC days. Simply plan on your life moving forward. EVERYTHING is in front of you and that's what you need to focus on. You never know when you may meet someone in the future who you really, really like.

 

You need to practice positive self talk. Everyone has been where you are and navigated through it to a better relationship. I'm one as well.

 

Keep your chin up and keep posting/venting as you need to. It does help.

 

You're going to be fine.

[BC1980]

It's absolutely not a waste. I firmly believe that you sometimes need to touch the stove to realize how hot it is. I don't think that's a bad thing unless you keep on touching the stove. Look, I broke NC around the same time, and I got the same results as you. It was a lesson. Now, you won't wonder. You won't be sitting around wondering. You got it straight from her, and there is no in between.

 

I had the feeling you were going to break NC, which is why I didn't try to dissuade you very much. I kind of had a feeling that you were going to need to break NC to appreciate the reason for keeping NC. Sometimes, you can't truly appreciate NC until you have experienced what it's like to break NC or to try to keep LC. We can tell you all day, but it makes no sense until you live it. Now, if you break it again and again after this, that's not good.

[Downtown]

So basically I wasted 50 days of NC and here on September 29th, I'm back where I started.

No, Texas, it just feels that way. Don't believe the feeling. You've learned an enormous amount from the experience of dating her. As AloneInAz states, "You're going to be fine."

[frigginlost]

Stop beating yourself up. We've all screwed up in our lives and relationships too. That's why many of us veterans pop in here and offer advice for what's worked for us and others.

 

Really, you should look at this as a positive. You now know there's no going back to her or that relationship. If anything, you eased all those "what if" doubts that you had that instigated you texting her.

 

I wouldn't get caught up in counting NC days. Simply plan on your life moving forward. EVERYTHING is in front of you and that's what you need to focus on. You never know when you may meet someone in the future who you really, really like.

 

You need to practice positive self talk. Everyone has been where you are and navigated through it to a better relationship. I'm one as well.

 

Keep your chin up and keep posting/venting as you need to. It does help.

 

You're going to be fine.

 

^^^ So much that.

 

Like Alone and Downtown, I was in a relationship with someone who is BPD. It's a crushing thing to go through. Do not beat yourself up. You've actually learned something you needed to know; you can now close the book.

 

It's gonna be rough on you for the next couple days, but as Alone stated, don't count days. Just do your best at becoming you again.

[TexasGuy12]

^^^ So much that.

 

Like Alone and Downtown, I was in a relationship with someone who is BPD. It's a crushing thing to go through. Do not beat yourself up. You've actually learned something you needed to know; you can now close the book.

 

It's gonna be rough on you for the next couple days, but as Alone stated, don't count days. Just do your best at becoming you again.

 

This woman was intimate with me and told me that she was in love with me ONE DAY...less than 24 hours...before she stopped talking to me and said she couldn't do this anymore.

 

She wrote me a 3 page, hand written note telling me that she had never met anyone like me.

 

She was completely infatuated with me for the duration of our relationship, literally from night 1 to 2 weeks before we broke up.

 

She has now moved 90 minutes away, with her daughter, to a part of town where the guy lives who I suspected she cheated on me with. The weekend that she started having second thoughts, she went to hang out with friends there, and it's never been the same.

 

Now look, if she has BPD (which she definitely does), and was cheating, I get that she met someone new, whatever. But even people that meet someone new to be infatuated with can't just turn off those feelings. In the depth of the night, they're still there.

 

Not with her. I did so much for her. Lent her money, stood by her during illnesses, everything in the universe I could possibly do. And how she can be so cold, is seriously beside me.

 

I love that you guys are trying to make this into a positive. The thing is, I was 13 days NC in August and I broke it with an email/phone call, and I thought hearing this same thing from her then was a positive. Now the same thing happened, albeit a month+ further in NC.

 

So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?

 

I hope I won't have them, but I never thought I'd do what I did today. I was doing SOOOO WELL compared to when I first posted on here. I never even considered reaching out until within the past week. I didn't even want to send the text when I did. I just typed it out, and like I just hurried up and hit send before I could stop myself.

[TexasGuy12]

She wants to hang out in the future and it not be weird? What the hell does that even mean? We were never just friends. The first night we hung out after meeting each other through work 3.5 years earlier, we hooked up and never looked back. So she thinks we're going to go out and get drinks or associate and NOT be that way?

 

How does any sane, reasonable person with a heart possibly suggest that?

 

Again, if she doesn't wanna be with me, fine - but to be so cold AND act like she could be friends? Just completely bizarre and has thrown me for an enormous loop.

[Simon Phoenix]

This woman was intimate with me and told me that she was in love with me ONE DAY...less than 24 hours...before she stopped talking to me and said she couldn't do this anymore.

 

She wrote me a 3 page, hand written note telling me that she had never met anyone like me.

 

She was completely infatuated with me for the duration of our relationship, literally from night 1 to 2 weeks before we broke up.

 

She has now moved 90 minutes away, with her daughter, to a part of town where the guy lives who I suspected she cheated on me with. The weekend that she started having second thoughts, she went to hang out with friends there, and it's never been the same.

 

Now look, if she has BPD (which she definitely does), and was cheating, I get that she met someone new, whatever. But even people that meet someone new to be infatuated with can't just turn off those feelings. In the depth of the night, they're still there.

 

Not with her. I did so much for her. Lent her money, stood by her during illnesses, everything in the universe I could possibly do. And how she can be so cold, is seriously beside me.

 

I love that you guys are trying to make this into a positive. The thing is, I was 13 days NC in August and I broke it with an email/phone call, and I thought hearing this same thing from her then was a positive. Now the same thing happened, albeit a month+ further in NC.

 

So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?

 

I hope I won't have them, but I never thought I'd do what I did today. I was doing SOOOO WELL compared to when I first posted on here. I never even considered reaching out until within the past week. I didn't even want to send the text when I did. I just typed it out, and like I just hurried up and hit send before I could stop myself.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. That's part of life. Where it becomes a problem is when you make the same mistake more than once. You've already done it twice. So don't do it a third. It's simple -- resist the urge. Of course it's easier said than done, but just consider how counterproductive you giving in to this urge has been so far. Remember this feeling so you don't do something dumb again.

[marky00]

around day 40 is when most break NC..... happens every time.

 

 

the feeling just gets overwhelming.

 

 

for those of you brave enough or silly enough to attempt LC (low-contact), do not contact before 6 months. At that point the dumper won't see your contact as being so intrusive and you may get a less traumatic experience. Their thinking has been reset so you can't push them away so to speak. In essence at 6 months or so, they may drop the "I need to be cold" act.

 

 

Not saying it will lead to a reconciliation but some people need that final contact after the breakup to put it behind them. But doing this inside 6 months post breakup won't end well, because regardless of your intentions, they will see your contact as an effort towards reconciliation.

 

 

Of course, if at 6 months your healed or close to being healed, the need to contact would no longer exist.

Edited September 30, 2016 by marky00

[Downtown]

This woman was intimate with me and told me that she was in love with me ONE DAY...less than 24 hours...before she stopped talking to me and said she couldn't do this anymore.

Texas, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, she is capable of flipping from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you) in only ten seconds. Taking 24 hours to do it is so leisurely it won't even cause a BPDer to start sweating.

 

But even people that meet someone new to be infatuated with can't just turn off those feelings. In the depth of the night, they're still there.

As I tried to explain earlier, a BPDer does not have to "turn off" her loving feelings. Rather, all she has to do -- at a subconscious level -- is to place them out of reach of her conscious mind. If this seems strange, please keep in mind that you did this black-white thinking 24/7 while you were a young child. You could flip, in seconds, between adoring Mommy and hating Mommy -- depending on whether she was bringing out the toys or putting them away. And you likely started doing this B-W thinking again for a few years when the hormones surged in your early teens. Indeed, all of us are capable of doing this -- throughout our adulthoods -- whenever we experience very intense feelings.

 

Not with her. I did so much for her. Lent her money, stood by her during illnesses, everything in the universe I could possibly do. And how she can be so cold, is seriously beside me.

If she is a BPDer, she is is a slave to whatever strong feelings she is experiencing THIS VERY MOMENT. Those feelings are so intense she is convinced they MUST be true. This is why it is impossible to build up a store of good will -- or a lasting sense of appreciation -- no matter how many sacrifices you make for a BPDer. And, when you eventually have young children to raise, you will find that they are that way too. They are too immature to intellectually challenge those intense feelings.

 

I love that you guys are trying to make this into a positive.

It would be more accurate to say we are trying to point out the many positive aspects of your experience. You've learned a lot. This is not to say, however, that we believe it is a NET positive. The cost of that education was far too high.

 

Specifically, the negative aspects of being in a toxic R/S are so painful and debilitating that none of us would wish that experience on you. That's why many of us spend time on this forum trying to give some folks the tools they need to avoid these relationships or, failing that, to get out of them as quickly as possible.

 

So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?

What likely happens is that one day you will wake up and feel like you're right back where you started at day 1. As I said, it is just a feeling. Don't believe it. Healing from an emotional trauma, like healing from a body injury, does not proceed in a linear fashion. That is, you don't get a little bit better each day.

 

Instead, you improve in fits and starts and some days feel like you're back at square one. Your improvement, then, is not seen in steady progress. Rather, it will be seen in the fact that the very bad days will get farther and farther apart until, eventually, they don't reoccur at all. But it could take you a year to get to that wonderful point.

 

I hope I won't have them, but I never thought I'd do what I did today. I was doing SOOOO WELL compared to when I first posted on here.

Again, having bad days and doing stupid things does not mean you are not healing. On the contrary, you are making good progress. But don't be surprised if, three weeks down the road, you wake up feeling awful and make another dumb mistake by contacting her. As SimonPhoenix says above, we all have done this.

 

She wants to hang out in the future and it not be weird? ...How does any sane, reasonable person with a heart possibly suggest that?

Like a young child, an emotionally immature adult is guided almost solely by her intense feelings, not by reason. Even so, both the child and the BPDer are sane. Insanity occurs when a person loses touch with the physical world. Young children and BPDers typically see the physical world just fine. Their intense feelings do not distort their perception of it. That is, they don't start believing the TV news announcer is speaking to them personally just because they have experienced an intense feeling. What is distorted is their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

[aloneinaz]

What you need to wrap your head around is the fact that NOTHING that she said while you were together matters now. The "you're the love of my life", "you're the best lover, ever", "we were meant to be together", etc.. It simply doesn't matter, nor does what you did for her during the relationship. That's all in the past, so stop dwelling it on.

 

The cold hard facts are you are no longer together. It's over and none of those things are relevant now. When I was where you are emotionally, what helped was to focus on the right now and the future. You can't change the past and can only learn from it.

 

The sooner can can stop your internal dialogue of "I can't believe all I did for her" and "she said I was the one", the faster you can learn to cope with the acceptance that it's over.

 

You'd be miles ahead if you deleted all her contact information so if you have an urge to contact her again, you won't the means to do it.

 

I know it's hard to accept right now, but you will feel better and several months down the road, you'll be able to think rationally about it and be glad it's over.

 

In my case, at 2-3 months NC, I was feeling much better. By 5-6 months when she came back to try and date me again, I was over it and knew how toxic, dysfunctional and unhealthy it was and told her no thanks.