After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[frigginlost]

Texas, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, she is capable of flipping from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you) in only ten seconds. Taking 24 hours to do it is so leisurely it won't even cause a BPDer to start sweating.

 

 

If she is a BPDer, she is is a slave to whatever strong feelings she is experiencing THIS VERY MOMENT. Those feelings are so intense she is convinced they MUST be true. This is why it is impossible to build up a store of good will -- or a lasting sense of appreciation -- no matter how many sacrifices you make for a BPDer. And, when you eventually have young children to raise, you will find that they are that way too. They are too immature to intellectually challenge those intense feelings.

 

 

Texas,

 

Really read what Downtown wrote right there. The single hardest thing to do with a BPDer is to understand just how incredibly fast they can switch from adoring to devaluing. Unfortunately, the logical side in those of us who have experienced it, can't grasp it. I too, was there for my BPDer like no other woman before her (health scares, adoring her children, spending money on all of them, trips, house upgrades, etc) but it mattered not. When a BPDer thinks to themselves, what ever they think, they believe. You cannot change that.

 

I really wish I could say that things will get easier as time progresses, but it is hard. Really, really, hard. I still miss my BPDer at times and it has been quite a while since we split. But, it is still very hard at times. This is because she is basically a child frozen in time. There is no growing up. How often does a parent think of their teenager as a little four year old boy or girl and get those warm feelings of total love? Sadly, that is the downshoot of loving a BPDer. We focus a lot on the child side of them...

[BC1980]

So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?

 

I hope I won't have them, but I never thought I'd do what I did today. I was doing SOOOO WELL compared to when I first posted on here. I never even considered reaching out until within the past week. I didn't even want to send the text when I did. I just typed it out, and like I just hurried up and hit send before I could stop myself.

 

One thing I have learned is to take your emotions day to day because they will probably change as time goes on. It's really easy to say that you would never contact someone again, but the truth is that you will probably feel differently as time goes on. Maybe you won't, but you have to anticipate that your feelings will go back and forth.

 

When I went NC for the final time, for a year I would never have contacted my ex. There was no way in h*ll I would have talked to him. But when I found out he was engaged, part of me wanted to write him a really nasty letter. A part of me really considered sending him that letter. I wrote a letter that I never sent but held onto the letter for awhile to get m thoughts out. I would add to the letter and changed it up a bit for several months until finally deleting it. My point is that you probably will want to contact her again at some point. My point came not out of sadness but out of anger.

 

If you anticipate that these feelings will come, you will be better prepared to handle them. You can come here, and we will talk you out of contacting her. I read a book called "The No Contact Rule" that was like my Bible. I would refer back to it all the time. It basically goes into the reasons for NC and the common justifications people use to break NC. It even goes through the stages of breakup grief after NC. I'd recommend that book wholeheartedly because it makes a lot of common sense.

[TexasGuy12]

You guys are such a huge help. I don't know what I'd do without this board.

 

As far as everything that she said, etc being meaningless now, I get that. It's not like I think we should be together because she said those things. After all, most relationships consist of both people thinking they'll always be together until they aren''t.

 

That said, the sheer coldness of the way she is acting, versus the reality that I know, is what is staggering to me. I'm a pretty normal, smart, logical dude.

 

So, dealing with someone who is such a roller coaster is F'ing with my emotions and I'm not entirely sure yet how to come to terms with it all.

 

There are some guys (or girls) that come on here and blame their partner for everything when in reality they are just as much to blame.

 

I know that's not my situation, but it's not easy to convey that to you.

 

I know that I lent her $2500 over the course of a year. I know that I stuck with her through 2 health scares. I know that I bought stuff for her daughter. I know the things the said, the way she looked at me, the moments we had.

 

So how that goes from 60 to 0 in a matter of days...that's what I keep getting hung up on.

 

I wish I had cheated or done something awful to where I could say okay, I screwed up. Something to justify the coldness.

 

I'm very analytical and in order for me to move on, I feel like I need to come to understand what happened. And I can't do that yet.

 

Learning about BPD from folks like Downtown and others on here has been an enormous help. I knew something was very different/wrong from the start but thought she was just a unique person. So I guess I have to start just understanding that BPD'ers are unpredictable and that there's no understanding or explaining their actions.

[TexasGuy12]

Texas,

 

Really read what Downtown wrote right there. The single hardest thing to do with a BPDer is to understand just how incredibly fast they can switch from adoring to devaluing. Unfortunately, the logical side in those of us who have experienced it, can't grasp it. I too, was there for my BPDer like no other woman before her (health scares, adoring her children, spending money on all of them, trips, house upgrades, etc) but it mattered not. When a BPDer thinks to themselves, what ever they think, they believe. You cannot change that.

 

I really wish I could say that things will get easier as time progresses, but it is hard. Really, really, hard. I still miss my BPDer at times and it has been quite a while since we split. But, it is still very hard at times. This is because she is basically a child frozen in time. There is no growing up. How often does a parent think of their teenager as a little four year old boy or girl and get those warm feelings of total love? Sadly, that is the downshoot of loving a BPDer. We focus a lot on the child side of them...

 

But do those feelings go away? Are they hidden?

 

Towards the end, I began to discover some lies and in some way, called her out on her traits that I now know are that of a BPDer.

 

Part of me feels she is running, and it's easier to start over with someone who doesn't know all of her faults and failings. The same way that I didn't through the beginning honeymoon phase of our relationship.

 

So I feel like perhaps she is putting a giant wall up and pushing her feelings away.

 

Again - a day before the breakup, she went on a trip with me, said she was in love with me. I see no ulterior motive for her saying that. She didn't get anything from me. It was her letting her guard down and being real.

 

So I'm just wondering where those feelings go in a BPDer. Are they pushed away, only to return one day? Gone forever?

 

Throughout our relationship, she was the infatuated one. Sometimes too infatuated because at times, it was too easy for me and it made me not want her as much. That went on the entire relationship. She even commented that this is the first time she's ever chased a guy, not vice versa.

 

In my first relationship, my first live, she broke up with me, we got back together, and I broke up with her. I had reasons to break up with her, and it was the right thing to do. That said, I still cared about her and loved her for quite some time after that, and had she contacted me, there's no way in hell I could ever be so cold to someone that I cared about. There's no way I could have ever suggested just being friends.

 

I know it seems like I'm hung up here, and I am. But I truly feel like I need to understand this part of it before I can entirely move on.

[TexasGuy12]

I really wish I could say that things will get easier as time progresses, but it is hard. Really, really, hard. I still miss my BPDer at times and it has been quite a while since we split. But, it is still very hard at times. This is because she is basically a child frozen in time. There is no growing up. How often does a parent think of their teenager as a little four year old boy or girl and get those warm feelings of total love? Sadly, that is the downshoot of loving a BPDer. We focus a lot on the child side of them...

 

So eerie reading this part of your post. My ex is in her early 30s, and I can totally see the kid side to her.

 

She posts about sex all the time on social media. She has a fascination with stars (in the sky).

 

When she would smile at me and be happy, it was the same, unconditional type of smile that you speak of, and that Downtown has spoken of with regards to BPDers.

 

I feel like she looked at me as a prince charming, as a "good" person and as an alternative to the kinds of guys maybe she got mixed up with in the past. The infatuation period lasted quite some time. Then things started to crack, and the behavior was so erratic that I didn't understand it. She would get upset when questioned about it, which led to small arguments that she took too far, and I guess that eventually led to the downfall.

 

She thought I was the cats meow and her entire life consisted of doing whatever she could for me in an effort to keep me. Because I wasn't infatuated or obsessed or 100% completely into her. I would have been if not for all the red flags, but I always had questions and things seemed fishy.

 

I also found out that she had 3 previous husbands prior to getting with me.

 

The most recent, and father of her now 3 year old daughter, is in federal prison for robbing a series of banks, and in the news article, it says that he was under financial stress to do his in laws expecting to be supported.

 

She did tell me about him, but she did not tell me about the other 2 marriages.

 

She also had her phone number changed prior us getting together.

 

All of this obviously indicates enormous red flags, and all of my friends, and you guys on here, would tell me that I am much better off without her.

 

That said, were you to sit down with her, you'd see an extremely attractive, personable, intelligent young woman who is an amazing mother. And the mirroring in the beginning totally got me.

 

So logical me says, it would never work.

 

But I can't get past the good times, and I can't get past that her feelings ended so abruptly. And that she cares not one bit about me anymore.

 

I'm sure my above information adds another dynamic to my story, but at this point, I don't really care about holding back anymore. I'm just trying to heal.

[BC1980]

I think the coldness is a form of protection. My ex was cold to me, and it was like a light switched. But I think it's protection for them too. Did all of this talk about BPD disorder just come up, or was that there from the beginning? I'm sorry, I can't remember.

[frigginlost]

But do those feelings go away? Are they hidden?

 

If you're speaking of the feelings you have, yes, they do start to diminish has time goes on. If you're speaking of the feelings she had toward you, you need to realize that at the time she was feeling them toward you, they were genuine. Think of a child that starts to play with their toys. They love it. Then when the time is to focus on something else, they do so. BPDer's are extremely black and white. They do not have much in the gray areas. Does she think about you and remember the good? Sure. But just as a child remembers playing with their favorite toy, their focus is laser sharp on their particular toy they have in hand. For me, I take solace in knowing that whatever she is telling the new guy is no different than what she told me, and her patterns will go black toward him in the future. I don't say that out of cruelty toward her, as it must be painful to live in the fear of constant abandonment a BPDer does. I say it because it comforts *me* in knowing nothing I did or could do can change who she is.

 

 

Towards the end, I began to discover some lies and in some way, called her out on her traits that I now know are that of a BPDer.

 

And she probably had no clue what you were talking about, or she started manipulating what you said. BPDers are master manipulators when it comes to protecting their ego. Masters.

 

 

Part of me feels she is running, and it's easier to start over with someone who doesn't know all of her faults and failings. The same way that I didn't through the beginning honeymoon phase of our relationship.

 

Sadly, this is true. For a BPDer the beginning of a relationship is like a drug. There is no fear of abandonment and they are in heaven. Their new beau is their God. But, and untreated BPDer will slide to the fear of abandonment feeling between 3 and 6 months and the "middle ground" of feelings that do not exist in a BPDer will hit the relationship.

 

 

So I feel like perhaps she is putting a giant wall up and pushing her feelings away.

 

Well, no. She is not purposely putting up a wall. She is laser focused on what is in front of her and her feelings are genuine at this time.

 

Again - a day before the breakup, she went on a trip with me, said she was in love with me. I see no ulterior motive for her saying that. She didn't get anything from me. It was her letting her guard down and being real.

 

My ex BPDer dumped me the day before my birthday. Two days earlier we were shopping for engagement rings. I know it is confusing but there is no "guard" that is either up or down. She simply had those feelings and at the time were true. Remember, there are no gray areas. They are black and white.

 

So I'm just wondering where those feelings go in a BPDer. Are they pushed away, only to return one day? Gone forever?

 

No, they are not gone forever. I mentioned toys above. Does a child go back and play with the same toy? Sure. It brings them pleasure and makes them happy. This is why many BPDers to in fact return. The feelings are indeed there. But what is important to remember, is that the child will put the toy down again after playing with it. This is why going complete and total NC with a BPDer is crucial until such time (years) that any feeling within yourself of wanting them back is completely depleted.

 

Throughout our relationship, she was the infatuated one. Sometimes too infatuated because at times, it was too easy for me and it made me not want her as much. That went on the entire relationship. She even commented that this is the first time she's ever chased a guy, not vice versa.

 

My ex told me the same thing. And is telling the new guy the same thing as well. I tell you that not to hurt you, but hopefully give you a little insight.

 

In my first relationship, my first live, she broke up with me, we got back together, and I broke up with her. I had reasons to break up with her, and it was the right thing to do. That said, I still cared about her and loved her for quite some time after that, and had she contacted me, there's no way in hell I could ever be so cold to someone that I cared about. There's no way I could have ever suggested just being friends.

 

Again, you're thinking logically. Untreated BPDers can't think that logically. Remember there is no gray area.

 

I know it seems like I'm hung up here, and I am. But I truly feel like I need to understand this part of it before I can entirely move on.

 

Trust me, I don't see you as hung up at all. I see a very logical person trying to make heads or tails of what happened. Sadly, there is no "A-ha" moment, but there will be a ton of clarity moments that creep in with time allowing you to piece the puzzle together.

[aloneinaz]

.

 

But when I found out he was engaged, part of me wanted to write him a really nasty letter. A part of me really considered sending him that letter. I wrote a letter that I never sent but held onto the letter for awhile to get m thoughts out. I would add to the letter and changed it up a bit for several months until finally deleting it. My point is that you probably will want to contact her again at some point. My point came not out of sadness but out of anger.

 

 

It's kind of scary how many of us had a relationship with someone who demonstrated such strong BPD traits that screwed us up and brought us to this site.

 

I will say, in my case and that I've shared before, she ended us. I vanished. She reappeared 5-6 months later wanting me to come back to her. She had just gotten out of a short, disastrous R/S and not a week later was after me again. They hate to be alone. I only know those details from her long, apologetic email she sent when I ignored her texts. She was told no thanks.

 

She still vindictively (how dare I not go back to her) emailed (she was blocked on my phone) off/on over the next year + which I ignored. One email was she got engaged at 6 months. Then, she married him at year. Again, she was ignored. Ironically, this news of her engagement and her marriage only reinforced to me how screwed up she is. Who does that in their 40's? I was laughing and sharing this news with my now fiance and she said the same thing.

 

My reaction was different than yours BC when I got her texts about engagement and marriage. I chuckled and my honest thought was "that poor bastard". He really has no idea how F'd he is. I really feel sorry for him. It's been well over 3 years since we ended. I look back now and shudder at what I put up with. I'm not mad at her, she couldn't help it. I'm mad at myself for putting up with it as it was not my nature before her. The ONLY thing I look back on with my time with her that WAS nice was the honeymoon phase sex. Damn... So good!

[aloneinaz]

If you're speaking of the feelings you have, yes, they do start to diminish has time goes on. If you're speaking of the feelings she had toward you, you need to realize that at the time she was feeling them toward you, they were genuine. Think of a child that starts to play with their toys. They love it. Then when the time is to focus on something else, they do so. BPDer's are extremely black and white. They do not have much in the gray areas. Does she think about you and remember the good? Sure. But just as a child remembers playing with their favorite toy, their focus is laser sharp on their particular toy they have in hand. For me, I take solace in knowing that whatever she is telling the new guy is no different than what she told me, and her patterns will go black toward him in the future. I don't say that out of cruelty toward her, as it must be painful to live in the fear of constant abandonment a BPDer does. I say it because it comforts *me* in knowing nothing I did or could do can change who she is.

 

 

 

And she probably had no clue what you were talking about, or she started manipulating what you said. BPDers are master manipulators when it comes to protecting their ego. Masters.

 

 

 

Sadly, this is true. For a BPDer the beginning of a relationship is like a drug. There is no fear of abandonment and they are in heaven. Their new beau is their God. But, and untreated BPDer will slide to the fear of abandonment feeling between 3 and 6 months and the "middle ground" of feelings that do not exist in a BPDer will hit the relationship.

 

 

 

Well, no. She is not purposely putting up a wall. She is laser focused on what is in front of her and her feelings are genuine at this time.

 

 

 

My ex BPDer dumped me the day before my birthday. Two days earlier we were shopping for engagement rings. I know it is confusing but there is no "guard" that is either up or down. She simply had those feelings and at the time were true. Remember, there are no gray areas. They are black and white.

 

 

 

No, they are not gone forever. I mentioned toys above. Does a child go back and play with the same toy? Sure. It brings them pleasure and makes them happy. This is why many BPDers to in fact return. The feelings are indeed there. But what is important to remember, is that the child will put the toy down again after playing with it. This is why going complete and total NC with a BPDer is crucial until such time (years) that any feeling within yourself of wanting them back is completely depleted.

 

 

 

My ex told me the same thing. And is telling the new guy the same thing as well. I tell you that not to hurt you, but hopefully give you a little insight.

 

 

 

Again, you're thinking logically. Untreated BPDers can't think that logically. Remember there is no gray area.

 

 

 

Trust me, I don't see you as hung up at all. I see a very logical person trying to make heads or tails of what happened. Sadly, there is no "A-ha" moment, but there will be a ton of clarity moments that creep in with time allowing you to piece the puzzle together.

 

Great post Friggin! All on point and all those things I "enjoyed" as well.. To your point of we were looking for engagement rings one day and broke up the next.. To the OP, my ex and I had just discussed our vacation plans for the next months in detail earlier in the day. She kept telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait for the trip. We'll, she flipped, painted me black, picked a stupid fight and ended it with me that night. That's when I said ENOUGH and vanished.. See a pattern here? lol

[TexasGuy12]

I think the coldness is a form of protection. My ex was cold to me, and it was like a light switched. But I think it's protection for them too. Did all of this talk about BPD disorder just come up, or was that there from the beginning? I'm sorry, I can't remember.

 

I knew she had some mental issues, but didn't know what they were. I figured she had a really crappy upbringing, was a single mom, and had met the wrong people in the past. I wasn't informed at all about BPD. I had no idea until I saw a post from Downtown in another thread and she literally fit every single criteria that he laid out.

 

I mean we're all weird and have our quirks in different ways. I just thought she was a very complicated person. But she literally fits every single qualification of a severe BDP'er.

 

Look...I'm a pretty emotional and deep person, but I could handle a normal breakup. We all go through it. I'm not naive and totally blind to that. But this outrageous and cold behavior has just thrown me for a complete loop.

[TexasGuy12]

If you're speaking of the feelings you have, yes, they do start to diminish has time goes on. If you're speaking of the feelings she had toward you, you need to realize that at the time she was feeling them toward you, they were genuine. Think of a child that starts to play with their toys. They love it. Then when the time is to focus on something else, they do so. BPDer's are extremely black and white. They do not have much in the gray areas. Does she think about you and remember the good? Sure. But just as a child remembers playing with their favorite toy, their focus is laser sharp on their particular toy they have in hand. For me, I take solace in knowing that whatever she is telling the new guy is no different than what she told me, and her patterns will go black toward him in the future. I don't say that out of cruelty toward her, as it must be painful to live in the fear of constant abandonment a BPDer does. I say it because it comforts *me* in knowing nothing I did or could do can change who she is.

 

 

 

And she probably had no clue what you were talking about, or she started manipulating what you said. BPDers are master manipulators when it comes to protecting their ego. Masters.

 

 

 

Sadly, this is true. For a BPDer the beginning of a relationship is like a drug. There is no fear of abandonment and they are in heaven. Their new beau is their God. But, and untreated BPDer will slide to the fear of abandonment feeling between 3 and 6 months and the "middle ground" of feelings that do not exist in a BPDer will hit the relationship.

 

 

 

Well, no. She is not purposely putting up a wall. She is laser focused on what is in front of her and her feelings are genuine at this time.

 

 

 

My ex BPDer dumped me the day before my birthday. Two days earlier we were shopping for engagement rings. I know it is confusing but there is no "guard" that is either up or down. She simply had those feelings and at the time were true. Remember, there are no gray areas. They are black and white.

 

 

 

No, they are not gone forever. I mentioned toys above. Does a child go back and play with the same toy? Sure. It brings them pleasure and makes them happy. This is why many BPDers to in fact return. The feelings are indeed there. But what is important to remember, is that the child will put the toy down again after playing with it. This is why going complete and total NC with a BPDer is crucial until such time (years) that any feeling within yourself of wanting them back is completely depleted.

 

 

 

My ex told me the same thing. And is telling the new guy the same thing as well. I tell you that not to hurt you, but hopefully give you a little insight.

 

 

 

Again, you're thinking logically. Untreated BPDers can't think that logically. Remember there is no gray area.

 

 

 

Trust me, I don't see you as hung up at all. I see a very logical person trying to make heads or tails of what happened. Sadly, there is no "A-ha" moment, but there will be a ton of clarity moments that creep in with time allowing you to piece the puzzle together.

 

This post was so helpful to me. Much of it makes a ton of sense. I do have a couple questions.

 

1) When you speak about the "middle ground" of feelings from 3-6 months, can you explain that in a little more detail?

 

2) I'm interested in your (and anyone with experience with this topic) take on what seeing the ex in person would do to their emotions. The reason I ask is because 2 times after the breakup, I saw her - one was the trip that I spoke of that was kind of a last chance (which went extremely well until the next day when she changed again) and the next was a week later. That week, I found out something about a very big lie (she lied about a sickness, it's too crazy to post on here but I think she was fearing abandonment which caused her to become the victim). I hadn't spoken to her in a week. I called her and confronted her on it. She confessed, and said that no one has ever loved her and her daughter unless they felt sorry for her. She faked (I believe) a panic attack on the phone. At that point, I realized she was very messed up and had been covering up so much throughout our relationship. I wanted to meet her one more time and give her something, so I gave her a very meaningful gift that my grandmom gave me before she died. I wanted her to have it. So I met her, and gave it to her, and we hugged, and that night she started texting me again.

 

My point? Every time I see her, her feelings for me come back. Is that how it would always be, even after she's treating me this coldly?

 

3) Was she treating you very badly during the time between your breakup and when she tried reconnecting in 5-6 months? How dramatic was the flip?

 

Again, I know that she is toxic and that she is no good for me, but my mind does want to understand these things. I would love to know if it's typical for a severe BDP'er to look at me with those cold eyes, or if her emotions would flip and she'd go back to where she was.

 

It's my goal to get to the point, like you did, where I don't want her back. That said, my mind is made up in a way that I want/need to understand everything, especially given that the more I think about this, the more I was in an extremely abusive relationship from a mental perspective.

Edited September 30, 2016 by TexasGuy12

[TexasGuy12]

Great post Friggin! All on point and all those things I "enjoyed" as well.. To your point of we were looking for engagement rings one day and broke up the next.. To the OP, my ex and I had just discussed our vacation plans for the next months in detail earlier in the day. She kept telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait for the trip. We'll, she flipped, painted me black, picked a stupid fight and ended it with me that night. That's when I said ENOUGH and vanished.. See a pattern here? lol

 

It is SO CRAZY how much this mirrors my relationship!

 

I remember we were having one of our best nights together, she was soooo excited to see me this one Saturday night, we had an awesome dinner on the water. She started being really weird, like instantly, and when I asked her what was wrong, it turned into a huge, huge fight. It's like she couldn't stand being happy and content, she had to do something to flip it.

 

Then, when I would throw my hands up and say okay, I have no idea what's going on, enough is enough, she would then flip AGAIN and start calling me, begging me to come back and talk about it and make up.

 

That cycle started happening constantly starting at about the 3 month mark.

 

In fact, it was exactly 3 months after our relationship started that we were heading to a Bryan Adams concert, and having such an awesome night, and on the way home, she started. I think she just couldn't stand being happy and being treated well, and after that, it would happen seemingly every couple weeks.

 

I always used to tell her, can we just have a normal couple weeks without a big incident being made from nothing? And after the initial 3 month honeymoon, we never, ever had a stretch like that.

[frigginlost]

This post was so helpful to me. Much of it makes a ton of sense. I do have a couple questions.

 

1) When you speak about the "middle ground" of feelings from 3-6 months, can you explain that in a little more detail?

 

BPDers have extreme abandonment fears. During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, those fears are not triggered. You're getting to know each other, the sex is through the roof, and there are no problems in life. At the 3 to 6 month mark (give or take) when the relationship starts to "settle in" and the reality of life's problems hit, it triggers their abandonment fear. They in return will go into self protection mode and nothing you say or do will pull them out. You will go into "walking on eggshell" mode to not rock the boat. You will try everything to keep her happy. Then, like a light switch, the girl you love will appear. You will think everything is fine, you will get comfortable, she will get comfortable, and that very comfort will trigger her abandonment. It is an extremely vicious cycle and you will never find the middle ground of happy and no abandonment fear. It does not exist in an untreated BPDer. (Note: not every BPDer reacts the same way, so I am using my ex as an example)

 

 

2) I'm interested in your (and anyone with experience with this topic) take on what seeing the ex in person would do to their emotions. The reason I ask is because 2 times after the breakup, I saw her - one was the trip that I spoke of that was kind of a last chance (which went extremely well until the next day when she changed again) and the next was a week later. That week, I found out something about a very big lie (she lied about a sickness, it's too crazy to post on here but I think she was fearing abandonment which caused her to become the victim). I hadn't spoken to her in a week. I called her and confronted her on it. She confessed, and said that no one has ever loved her and her daughter unless they felt sorry for her. She faked (I believe) a panic attack on the phone. At that point, I realized she was very messed up and had been covering up so much throughout our relationship. I wanted to meet her one more time and give her something, so I gave her a very meaningful gift that my grandmom gave me before she died. I wanted her to have it. So I met her, and gave it to her, and we hugged, and that night she started texting me again.

 

My point? Every time I see her, her feelings for me come back. Is that how it would always be, even after she's treating me this coldly?

 

 

BPDers are not the devil. :-) They do indeed have feelings. But, they are extreme feelings and they feel them with every ounce of their being. I ran into my ex and she went ghost white. It knocked the wind out of her. We exchanged greetings and there were tears in her eyes. So yes, feelings will surface. What you need to focus on is that those feelings will not, and do not last. You are seeing the child in her when you saw her. Not the BPDer...

 

 

3) Was she treating you very badly during the time between your breakup and when she tried reconnecting in 5-6 months? How dramatic was the flip?

 

 

I was the devil incarnate. I was the reason her life was a mess. I was the man on the grassy knoll that took out Kennedy. She was the victim. Totally and completely. She hated my guts. When she came back after seven months, she was that sweet, sweet, witty and adorable girl that I fell for. I caved, took her back... and four months later, she split me black and that's all she wrote.

 

Again, I know that she is toxic and that she is no good for me, but my mind does want to understand these things. I would love to know if it's typical for a severe BDP'er to look at me with those cold eyes, or if her emotions would flip and she'd go back to where she was.

 

It's my goal to get to the point, like you did, where I don't want her back. That said, my mind is made up in a way that I want/need to understand everything, especially given that the more I think about this, the more I was in an extremely abusive relationship from a mental perspective.

 

Yes, in my case with my ex it was normal for her to go cold. Extremely cold. My ex did flip (and I got to the point where I could see it before it would happen) but it never lasted. Downtown in many of his threads talks of a sweet spot in-between abandonment and being smothered that a partner of an untreated BPDer tries to find but always fails. If there ever was something posted that rang so true about a BPDer that was it. It simply cannot be found.

[Frozensushi]

I always used to tell her, can we just have a normal couple weeks without a big incident being made from nothing? And after the initial 3 month honeymoon, we never, ever had a stretch like that.

 

Haha, I asked my Ex the same thing. "Do you enjoy breaking-up with me constantly? Is it giving you a thrill? Are you doing it for the breakup sex???"

 

Of course, she said "Noooo, I hate it!!!". Yeah, Right. :/

 

In my B/U thread, I wanted to consider what the other posters were suggesting, that I was swinging too fast to call my Ex a BPDer. That we were just super incompatible.

The thing is, my EX fits so much of the criteria that I can't ignore it. Even aloneinaz said our Ex's were so similar it was eerie. Reading these threads, seeing so many similar trends in behavioral patterns. Is it really all just coincidence?

 

Oh, and I loved my Ex, deeply. Honestly, this breakup was brutal for me, my love for her was exceptional. The last thing I want is to bash her and call her crazy. I just came here looking for answers. As they say, if the shoe fits, well, I have to consider that maybe I was NOT the monster she made me out to be. No one in my life has ever accused me of criticizing or judging them harshly. Which she accused me of constantly.

 

We may not be perfect, who is? Just know that we are not monsters. We are more than dumpies, we are survivors.

[TexasGuy12]

Haha, I asked my Ex the same thing. "Do you enjoy breaking-up with me constantly? Is it giving you a thrill? Are you doing it for the breakup sex???"

 

Of course, she said "Noooo, I hate it!!!". Yeah, Right. :/

 

In my B/U thread, I wanted to consider what the other posters were suggesting, that I was swinging too fast to call my Ex a BPDer. That we were just super incompatible.

The thing is, my EX fits so much of the criteria that I can't ignore it. Even aloneinaz said our Ex's were so similar it was eerie. Reading these threads, seeing so many similar trends in behavioral patterns. Is it really all just coincidence?

 

Oh, and I loved my Ex, deeply. Honestly, this breakup was brutal for me, my love for her was exceptional. The last thing I want is to bash her and call her crazy. I just came here looking for answers. As they say, if the shoe fits, well, I have to consider that maybe I was NOT the monster she made me out to be. No one in my life has ever accused me of criticizing or judging them harshly. Which she accused me of constantly.

 

We may not be perfect, who is? Just know that we are not monsters. We are more than dumpies, we are survivors.

 

Yeah, I mean I feel the same way. I thought I was just handling a breakup super rough because I've only had 2 really serious relationships in my life.

 

But I'm a pretty smart, decent looking guy. I have no issues finding girls and talking to girls. It shouldn't be this hard for me to move on and it's messing with my head so much. I needed help. And not until I saw Downtown's post did I realize what I was dealing with.

 

All of my friends that knew her or knew of her warned me. My best friend (and we're dudes so we normally leave each other alone as far as relationships go) saw something that she wrote to me like 4 months into our relationship, and he was like dude, you need to block her and run as far as you can. And for him to say that to me knowing how I felt about her - I was just blinded by the good moments.

 

That's what I would always tell my best friends who I talked to about her. I would tell them that they weren't there for the good times and for the amazing, thoughtful gifts, etc. People that give us advice see the crazy, but they're not there for the intimate times. So that's the issue that we have. We're human, and we're addicted to those times.

 

To answer your question, it can't be a coincidence. Sure, lots of people that go through breakups (like my first one) have a tougher time than some, and it's just a normal relationship with no big personality disorders, etc. But I think one of the reasons some of us find ourselves here, having such a hard time with it, is because we're victims of dating a BPD'er and logical people can't wrap our heads around it. So we pull our hair out and find ourselves here.

 

Boy, maybe this most recent break in NC will help after all. These past couple posts have really helped me further understand what I was dealing with.

[LD1990]

Ah, the curse of loving someone with strong BPD-traits. Been there, done that, and everything you guys are posting rings very true. It really is amazing how someone's personality disorder can cause them to love you one second, hate you the next, and eventually detach from you.

 

I worked so hard trying to help my ex find a better way to resolve problems so we didn't have those big blowups and nothing worked. It was such a roller coaster - things were great, then things were terrible, but when I thought I couldn't take it anymore things got better, and on and on...

 

TexasGuy12, I won't lie to you, you may always look back fondly on certain memories of your ex. I know I do. Fortunately, logic tells us that it would never work, and we're able to see both the good and bad side of someone.

 

I've healed quite a bit since my breakup. However, reading stories like yours does remind me of the good times with my ex, and I definitely miss that. That's natural though, everyone gets nostalgic sometimes, but we can't bring back the past.

 

Anyways, don't beat yourself up too much, man. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It may seem like back to square one, but really, each time this happens your skin gets a bit thicker and you build up more of your pride. The fact that you got mad at yourself for breaking NC is good, it shows that you have some pride about this, and that can be a huge help when the temptation to break NC arises.

[SoThatHappened]

I just have to say that between TexasGuy's, friggin's, and aloneinaz's posts, I started having flashbacks of my BPD-trait-exhibiting ex...

 

Wow... every trait and example to an absolute tee

 

The night before we broke up she said that she wants to "show me how much she loves me, even more than she'd been, by looking into my eyes..." Eighteen hours later, admits she has feelings for a coworker.

 

What a mindfack

 

Texas, the good news is we have all survived it, and for those of us (me, alone, friggin) who are on the other side, we look back and think (WTF! was I thinking!)

 

Stay away from her, get your life back, and maybe one day you'll be on here giving advice instead of looking for it.

 

I understand what you're going through now. There's nothing else to compare to the mindfack that you experience after being with a BPDer.

 

But, the best news is: Now you know what to avoid in the future.

[TexasGuy12]

I just have to say that between TexasGuy's, friggin's, and aloneinaz's posts, I started having flashbacks of my BPD-trait-exhibiting ex...

 

Wow... every trait and example to an absolute tee

 

The night before we broke up she said that she wants to "show me how much she loves me, even more than she'd been, by looking into my eyes..." Eighteen hours later, admits she has feelings for a coworker.

 

What a mindfack

 

Texas, the good news is we have all survived it, and for those of us (me, alone, friggin) who are on the other side, we look back and think (WTF! was I thinking!)

 

Stay away from her, get your life back, and maybe one day you'll be on here giving advice instead of looking for it.

 

I understand what you're going through now. There's nothing else to compare to the mindfack that you experience after being with a BPDer.

 

But, the best news is: Now you know what to avoid in the future.

 

The night before we broke up for good, it was like 2am, we were laying in bed, and she said "please wake me up in the middle of the night and make love to me."

 

12 hours later, she was ignoring my texts saying she didn't want to do this anymore.

 

I think I'll be 75 years old and I'll never have an experience that F's with me more than this relationship. I firmly believe that.

[Frozensushi]

All of my friends that knew her or knew of her warned me. My best friend (and we're dudes so we normally leave each other alone as far as relationships go) saw something that she wrote to me like 4 months into our relationship, and he was like dude, you need to block her and run as far as you can. And for him to say that to me knowing how I felt about her - I was just blinded by the good moments.

 

That's what I would always tell my best friends who I talked to about her. I would tell them that they weren't there for the good times and for the amazing, thoughtful gifts, etc. People that give us advice see the crazy, but they're not there for the intimate times. So that's the issue that we have. We're human, and we're addicted to those times.

 

My best friend warned me about my Ex constantly. In the beginning, he was all for it, he wanted to see me happy and he knew I was in love. He thought she was perfect for me, so did I. But after all the breakups and peculiar way she acted plus the cold way she treated me, he knew she was bad news.

 

He was like, "dude, you aren't just wearing rose colored glasses, you're wearing the most high-tech, military grade rose colored glasses I've ever seen, with blinders on top." He told me to run as well. But I knew in my heart if I could just figure out what I was doing wrong, I could bring that awesome girl I fell madly in love with back into my arms. No matter what I did, nothing ever changed, it progressively got worse. I thought I was going crazy.

 

Those intimate moments, yeah, these women got us, got us in a BIG WAY. I put myself through hell just for the few and far between amazing moments with her. I never felt like that with any other woman. I felt such a strong connection to her.

 

My Ex was my second "real love" as well. I don't fall in love that easily. She did some Houdini type magic to capture my heart so strongly. Mirroring? I tell you, man, this breakup has been brutal for me. You aren't alone.

 

I agree, we are victims. As logical human beings, we were trying to reason with illogical people. It's like we weren't speaking the same language. We'd say something to them, next thing we know we're in the doghouse not understanding WTF just happened. Questioning ourselves and our sanity.

 

I agree, these patterns follow a similar beat, that's why when I read about your EX, I'm like "What the hell? How is this even possible? There's no way someone else went through the exact same thing, in the exact same manner and felt the exact same way I did about it afterward!!!"

[Frozensushi]

The night before we broke up for good, it was like 2am, we were laying in bed, and she said "please wake me up in the middle of the night and make love to me."

 

12 hours later, she was ignoring my texts saying she didn't want to do this anymore.

 

I think I'll be 75 years old and I'll never have an experience that F's with me more than this relationship. I firmly believe that.

 

I'd take that over what happened to me. My Ex broke up with me in the most painful way. F her!

 

Me too ... I'll never, EVER, know what just happened to me. Do I want to know? Nope.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately you're trying to find logic in the illogical. That's pretty much a no-win situation. There is no way you can figure out a logical reason why because she probably doesn't have a logical reason why. If she doesn't have one, how can you possibly find one? Feelings change, especially when dealing with elements like BPD.

 

Your need to "figure out a reason" is causing you to chase your tail and run around in circles. You have to stop. You have to stop talking to her, you have to stop spying on her in social media, everything. These questions will never go away if you keep resuscitating them.

[Downtown]

So how [her love] goes from 60 to 0 in a matter of days...that's what I keep getting hung up on.... I feel like I need to come to understand what happened.

 

The night before we broke up for good, it was like 2am, we were laying in bed, and she said "please wake me up in the middle of the night and make love to me." 12 hours later, she was ignoring my texts saying she didn't want to do this anymore. I think I'll be 75 years old and I'll never have an experience that F's with me more than this relationship. I firmly believe that.

Texas, with a BPDer, the very WORST fights and breakups typically occur during -- or immediately after -- the very BEST of times. The result is that, with a BPDer, the love and adoration usually "goes from 60 to 0" -- as you say -- in a matter of hours, if not minutes. The reason for this would be obvious to you if you were not so focused on your exGF's abandonment fear. That is only half the story.

 

Her other great fear is that of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled. It typically occurs right after a very intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation or weekend. Although BPDers typically crave intimacy like nearly all other adults, they cannot handle it for very long. Due to their fragile egos and weak personal boundaries, they will start feeling like they are being dominated and controlled by their partners.

 

It is a scary feeling of losing one's self inside the partner's strong personality. Of course, her subconscious will protect her from this painful feeling by projecting it onto her partner (i.e., you). Hence, at a conscious level, the BPDer will be convinced the pain really is coming from YOU. She therefore will create a fight or breakup to push you away. This is why it is so common for rejected partners to come here to LoveShack asking how it is possible for someone to dump them one day -- or just a few hours -- after she had been professing her deep love and planning on a future together.

 

Importantly, the engulfment and abandonment fears lie on opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you are moving closer to triggering the other fear. Hence, as you move close to be intimate and show your love, you will trigger her engulfment fear. And, as you back off to give her breathing room, you will trigger her abandonment fear. As Friggenlost observes above (post 163), your search for a midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far") -- where you could safely stand to avoid triggering both fears -- will be in vain. That Goldilocks position simply doesn't exist.

[BC1980]

I knew she had some mental issues, but didn't know what they were. I figured she had a really crappy upbringing, was a single mom, and had met the wrong people in the past. I wasn't informed at all about BPD. I had no idea until I saw a post from Downtown in another thread and she literally fit every single criteria that he laid out.

 

I mean we're all weird and have our quirks in different ways. I just thought she was a very complicated person. But she literally fits every single qualification of a severe BDP'er.

 

Look...I'm a pretty emotional and deep person, but I could handle a normal breakup. We all go through it. I'm not naive and totally blind to that. But this outrageous and cold behavior has just thrown me for a complete loop.

 

My ex told me we were going to start our pre-marraige counseling with one of the counselors at the church we went to. They required this before getting married. I went for weeks thinking this was happening and really excited about it. He broke up with me the night before and told me that he didn't want to blindside me in the meeting the next day. So I guess the entire time he was planning on breaking up with me, but he kept up a charade of wanting to get married. I shouldn't have been surprised though. A year before, he wrote me this lovely card stating how he was ready to get married, we went ring shopping, and he bought me a ring. About a month later, he said he wasn't sure anymore and didn't want to get engaged.

 

I've been mind effed too, and it's hard to recover from. My ex wasn't BPD, but he was obviously extremely cruel in his actions. I would focus your time on trying to figure out why you stayed with someone like that. I started making progress when I looked inward and starting trying to figure out why I would put up with that and even apparently wanted him back.

[aloneinaz]

Texas,

 

Stop with the mental gymnastics trying to figure her out. What's the expression? "You can't fix crazy"? You can't figure them out. What you can see is your behavior in that relationship did not CAUSE her treatment of you as illustrated by all of us enduring the same things. As I mentioned earlier, I honestly harbour no anger or animosity towards this ex. After I figured out this was her issue, it dissolved those feelings. I went from anger to feeling sorry for her.

 

Each of us in this thread all CHOSE to ignore MAJOR red flags when they start presenting themselves 2-3 months in. We need to own it and take ownership of our stupidity. I was blinded by the hot sex and addicted to how kind, considerate, sensual, sexy, attentive she was the first couple of months. I kept hoping THAT version would reappear and stay. Unfortunately, we know the roller coaster ride from hell we all endured. Again, ALL OF US have to take some ownership in our decisions to stay with them as long as we did.

 

For the record, I've had 6 long term relationships in my life. NONE of the other woman were anything like that ex was. When those relationships ended, it was nothing to move on w/my life without much trouble. I keep reading and Downtown has mentioned it as well, that getting out of a relationship with a BPD'er is like leaving combat. We are suffering PTSD to some degree! I think there's truth in that.

 

Here's another story I just remembered. I took this ex to the beach for a long weekend at a great expense around the 4 months mark. We had a good time no issues at all. On the drive home, I teased her about driving. OMG, she shut down, stopped talking and gave me the silent treatment for about an hour. I had to talk her off the cliff to get her to pull out of it. It was soo bizarre.

[TexasGuy12]

Texas,

 

Stop with the mental gymnastics trying to figure her out. What's the expression? "You can't fix crazy"? You can't figure them out. What you can see is your behavior in that relationship did not CAUSE her treatment of you as illustrated by all of us enduring the same things. As I mentioned earlier, I honestly harbour no anger or animosity towards this ex. After I figured out this was her issue, it dissolved those feelings. I went from anger to feeling sorry for her.

 

Each of us in this thread all CHOSE to ignore MAJOR red flags when they start presenting themselves 2-3 months in. We need to own it and take ownership of our stupidity. I was blinded by the hot sex and addicted to how kind, considerate, sensual, sexy, attentive she was the first couple of months. I kept hoping THAT version would reappear and stay. Unfortunately, we know the roller coaster ride from hell we all endured. Again, ALL OF US have to take some ownership in our decisions to stay with them as long as we did.

 

For the record, I've had 6 long term relationships in my life. NONE of the other woman were anything like that ex was. When those relationships ended, it was nothing to move on w/my life without much trouble. I keep reading and Downtown has mentioned it as well, that getting out of a relationship with a BPD'er is like leaving combat. We are suffering PTSD to some degree! I think there's truth in that.

 

Here's another story I just remembered. I took this ex to the beach for a long weekend at a great expense around the 4 months mark. We had a good time no issues at all. On the drive home, I teased her about driving. OMG, she shut down, stopped talking and gave me the silent treatment for about an hour. I had to talk her off the cliff to get her to pull out of it. It was soo bizarre.

 

I actually do blame myself. I don't blame myself for not seeing the traits and recognizing the issue, but I do blame myself for not treating her in a way that would have maybe kept her on the right track. I think my ex wanted to change, and looked at being with me as a chance to do that, but I constantly questioned things given the circumstances, and that in turn made her fear abandonment, which ultimately was the undoing.

 

I'm sure in a year I'll look back and what I just said will seem dumb, but that's how I feel now.

 

When you mention the hot sex, kind, compassionate, considerate qualities - why is it that BPD'ers display that so deeply, and is it fair to say that they are those things in an extreme way in which most "normal" people are incapable of being?

 

Because I think that's what ultimately drives us all crazy. We experience, quite literally, the perfect relationship and partner. When in reality, that perfect doesn't exist.

 

BTW - so funny you brought up the beach story.

 

We had a great day on vacation. Literally a great day with her and her daughter. Couldn't have been more perfect. There was this guy talking to her on social media. I didn't care, I was always really secure because she was SO INTO me, so I didn't really care or feel threatened by anything. It was like midnight and we were sitting outside smoking. And I was like, Babe, if a guy is hitting you up like that on Facebook, he obviously finds you attractive and wants to flirt with you.

 

I didn't say it in a mean way or an insecure way, I was just like you know, as a guy, I promise, I wouldn't waste time randomly talking to a girl that I did not find attractive or that I wouldn't hook up with.

 

She literally went into a shell, said she wishes she could just leave right then and go home (I drove on the vacation), and I just totally lost her. For some reason, saying that got to her and caused her to totally zone out. This was on a vacation after a fantastic day.

 

I remember going inside and laying in bed without her. She stomped around for a while, stayed outside. She finally came in, got in bed still upset, and I started crying. That's the one and only time that I let it totally get to me, and I just didn't know how to handle her anymore. As soon as I showed that emotion, she totally flipped the switch and cuddled with me and tried to make me feel better and everything was fine the rest of the night.

 

Just such crazy stories. I hate to sound selfish but I am very glad that I'm not alone, and I'm thankful that I have found some much needed clarity and answers on these boards.

 

Friday was Day 1 of NC. Hopefully before long the days will start piling on. It's going to be a long road and I'm going to need all of you guys on here. And I definitely plan to continue to post on here hopefully well after I'm healed. In my entire life, I've lost grandparents, friends, jobs, whatever...but nothing, NOTHING, has been more traumatic to me than getting over this relationship, and this board has been my #1 tool by far in getting through each and every day.