After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

TexasGuy12, I won't lie to you, you may always look back fondly on certain memories of your ex. I know I do. Fortunately, logic tells us that it would never work, and we're able to see both the good and bad side of someone.

 

But have you met anyone else that can provide you with those types of memories/moments?

 

That's what scares me.

 

I know that in time, I'll find someone that's a better fit for me. Aka someone that's sane.

 

And look, I know everyone after a breakup feels like there's no one else out there for them, yada yada yada. I went through that years ago and I laugh at myself now.

 

But I firmly believe, and I don't think these are my emotions speaking, that it would be really hard to find someone to provide me with the same type of moments that my ex did during our honeymoon phase, and during her good periods after the honeymoon phase.

 

After the honeymoon phase, they may have only lasted for a night, a couple hours, whatever...but when you combine the outrageous sex, passion, unconditional love and devotion, thoughtfulness, the completely giving of oneself...I just don't think I'll find someone to give me that same feeling. And that makes me fearful that I'll always remember her for that, and that she will never totally go away. That yes, the bad times will be gone, and that awful drama won't be there, but the good moments will never reach those same heights.

 

Any thoughts?

[TexasGuy12]

Unfortunately you're trying to find logic in the illogical. That's pretty much a no-win situation. There is no way you can figure out a logical reason why because she probably doesn't have a logical reason why. If she doesn't have one, how can you possibly find one? Feelings change, especially when dealing with elements like BPD.

 

Your need to "figure out a reason" is causing you to chase your tail and run around in circles. You have to stop. You have to stop talking to her, you have to stop spying on her in social media, everything. These questions will never go away if you keep resuscitating them.

 

I think feelings change, but they don't vanish with "normal" or "non-BPD" people.

 

In her case, her feelings VANISHED OVERNIGHT.

 

That's got me F'd up.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think feelings change, but they don't vanish with "normal" or "non-BPD" people.

 

In her case, her feelings VANISHED OVERNIGHT.

 

That's got me F'd up.

 

Stop it. Usually feelings start to vanish well before the other person has any idea what's going on. This is normal no matter if they have "BPD" or they don't.

 

Either way, you're never going to solve this puzzle. The more you try, the bigger of idiot you're going to look.

 

Stop trying to forge logic into feelings, which are inherently illogical. Just stop.

[Acacia98]

Hey TexasGuy,

 

I've been following your posts quietly and rooting for you.

 

I think it's inevitable that you'll keep thinking of your ex. You can't eliminate it entirely, but you can try to guide the kind of thinking you engage in. The first two points below are two things you can do along those lines.

 

1. Spend more time thinking about moments in your relationship, not nostalgically, but with the knowledge that your ex had significant BPD or NPD traits. Try to analyse your relationship from a third person perspective. And realize/recognize that she probably did the same thing to her exes that she did to you. (You're already doing this, which is fantastic.)

 

2. Spend more time thinking about what it was that made you vulnerable to being in a relationship with her for as long as you were. This is truly the ticket to healing and growing beyond your experiences. If you have codependent tendencies, they may have roots in your childhood. So you may want to think about your childhood experiences and your relationships with your family. (I have no idea whether you're doing this already, but it's really important. You don't have to post about it if it's too personal, but you should do it.)

 

3. My third suggestion is pretty basic: Music is very good at shifting moods. I would strongly suggest that you look for a new genre of upbeat music that is not associated with your ex in your mind. At those times when you're most likely to get maudlin about her and want to text/call, play that music. I already know (from reading your posts) that you get sentimental about her late at night, after you've been driving. So you could try playing the music when you're driving and later, when you get home.

 

4. I don't know if you've taken up a new hobby to help keep you busy. If you haven't, consider learning a new language. It will "exercise" a different part of the brain from the one that obsesses about your ex . And it's a cool and not-so-expensive way to create new memories.

 

I have depressive tendencies and I can assure you that both 3 and 4 work for me considerably well (when I remember to follow my own advice).

[Frozensushi]

..I just don't think I'll find someone to give me that same feeling.

 

I dated this girl, we all have.

 

You are right, you won't find anyone like her. If you want to be with someone like this you will have to pay a rather hefty price for those few moments of bliss.

 

Her feelings had started to change far longer than you realize. You can't reason any of this. You are beating yourself up. You want answers, you are not going to get them.

 

I tried to find the reasons to why my Ex-acted like she did. I beat myself up over it all the time. It had to be something I was doing wrong. Right??? If I could only figure out what it was it would make everything better!!

 

There is no rhyme or reason for the way they act. You are asking questions that have already been answered.

[marky00]

I dated this girl, we all have.

 

You are right, you won't find anyone like her. If you want to be with someone like this you will have to pay a rather hefty price for those few moments of bliss.

 

Her feelings had started to change far longer than you realize. You can't reason any of this. You are beating yourself up. You want answers, you are not going to get them.

 

I tried to find the reasons to why my Ex-acted like she did. I beat myself up over it all the time. It had to be something I was doing wrong. Right??? If I could only figure out what it was it would make everything better!!

 

There is no rhyme or reason for the way they act. You are asking questions that have already been answered.

 

 

I'd like to think it was as you say. Certainly makes moving on easier.

 

 

However, 95% of dumpees on here normally concede that the last year or w/e of the relationship they were going through some personal issues... in essence they recognise they weren't the original happy person your Ex fell in love with.

 

 

If as a dumpee, you honestly felt you were on top of your game the whole time from start to finish, well you are in the MINORITY.

 

 

Most dumpees don't want to look at this way and rightfully so, this type of thinking can be extremely damaging. But you can't hide from the truth. In the end, you have to face it.

[Frozensushi]

However, 95% of dumpees on here normally concede that the last year or w/e of the relationship they were going through some personal issues... in essence they recognise they weren't the original happy person your Ex fell in love with.

 

If you are with someone long enough there will be good and bad times. That's why you don't abandon someone at the first sign of an issue that turns up. If you love that person aren't you going to try to persevere? You are going to try to help them.

 

My Ex, with all her problems and constant whining. Did I just say "Well she's never gonna get better, I better leave her". No, I weathered the storm and tried my best to help.

 

My Ex dumped me because I tried to help fix her problems in life that she whined about all the time. She didn't want my help, she just wanted to constantly whine and get my sympathy. So I screwed up by trying to solve her issues. I had issues sure. They didn't interfere in my Ex's life. I am not on my A game as the relationship took it's toll on me.

 

You have to have experienced what it's like to understand. This isn't a normal relationship.

[aloneinaz]

Texas,

 

Again, I'm well over three years since me and that ex ended. My honest thoughts that come to my mind when I think of her are being grateful that she's in my past. My mind does NOT go to the good times of the first couple of months of the honeymoon phase. It goes to all the negatives of that relationship that outweighed the good 9-1. It was miserable, stressful, dysfunctional, anxiety provoking hell. I'd be alone the rest of my life before I'd EVER date her again.

 

My point is STOP thinking you'll never have those "feelings" like you experienced with that nightmare ex of yours. Every new GF in our lives we compare with our last. Some are better in bed than the last. Some or more kind and considerate. Some are not as good in specific areas as an ex.

 

My point is I'd rather have a girl who's not as exciting in my life for the stability than the exciting girl who brings all the bs with that excitement.

[marky00]

If you are with someone long enough there will be good and bad times. That's why you don't abandon someone at the first sign of an issue that turns up. If you love that person aren't you going to try to persevere? You are going to try to help them.

.

 

Yes you would think so.

 

 

Problem is a lot of relationships don't have adequate communication so the person with the issues may initially look for some assistance but quite often the unaffected person doesn't quite GET IT. A kind of resentment cycle just builds up.

 

 

Yes I was the same. I did my very best to keep my issues out of the relationship. But that is what often causes the problem. You try hard to keep stuff to yourself rather than feeling comfortable sharing it. That is what causes the relationship to have a toll on you, when you can't just speak your mind comfortably.

 

 

My Ex doesn't sound like she had BPD but the relationship was far from normal. It was a total head spin for a lot of it. Was like mercury in the hands for a lot of it.

[Itspointless]

Sorry wrong place.

[LD1990]

But have you met anyone else that can provide you with those types of memories/moments?

 

That's what scares me.

 

I get it. You read all this stuff about the highs and lows of being with BPD-ers, and you start to wonder if the highs with anyone else could ever be as good.

 

It has been about 8 months since my breakup. Now, I was never the type to fall for just anyone, there really has to be a connection there. I'd say I met one woman who I made some great memories with. She definitely checked all the boxes, intelligent, beautiful, incredible body, and the sex was insanely good. She was a tourist so we only got to see each other for a few days which was a bummer, but we had a great time while she was here and we keep in touch.

 

So, I would say there's definitely hope. There are a lot of great women out there. Just give it time and try to focus on yourself for now. Someone new will come along and you'll have that special feeling again.

[Frozensushi]

I get it. You read all this stuff about the highs and lows of being with BPD-ers, and you start to wonder if the highs with anyone else could ever be as good.

 

That's a great point. Those thoughts can be agonizing and lead to panic attacks. There IS someone out there for us that will make us feel just as incredible.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Frozensushi
delete double

[Downtown]

There IS someone out there for us that will make us feel just as incredible.

Yes, but in my experience, it is very important to lower your expectations -- and be patient -- during the early months of the courtship period. If you expect your next R/S to start off like gangbusters with fireworks, intense passion, and adoration -- all within the first several weeks -- you are at great risk of running right into the arms of another BPDer just like the one you left.

[aloneinaz]

Yes, but in my experience, it is very important to lower your expectations -- and be patient -- during the early months of the courtship period. If you expect your next R/S to start off like gangbusters with fireworks, intense passion, and adoration -- all within the first several weeks -- you are at great risk of running right into the arms of another BPDer just like the one you left.

 

Great post Downtown and I couldn't agree more!

 

What I learned after splitting w/my BPD ex and dating a bunch of new girls was exactly that. A few I dated for weeks/months but none had what you described we all had with the BPD gal at the beginning. When I met my now fiance, it also didn't have the same high level of fireworks or intensity. It was more laid back though still passionate and exciting.

 

It did take me long to figure this gal had the best mental health of anyone I'd ever dated. It also took me a long while to adjust to a normal girlfriend and NOT having to walk on egg shells, not worry about flip flopping mood swings and just settle into a healthy, loving, drama free relationship.

 

I take less fireworks, excitement, and drama anyday!

[TexasGuy12]

I'd like to think it was as you say. Certainly makes moving on easier.

 

 

However, 95% of dumpees on here normally concede that the last year or w/e of the relationship they were going through some personal issues... in essence they recognise they weren't the original happy person your Ex fell in love with.

 

 

If as a dumpee, you honestly felt you were on top of your game the whole time from start to finish, well you are in the MINORITY.

 

 

Most dumpees don't want to look at this way and rightfully so, this type of thinking can be extremely damaging. But you can't hide from the truth. In the end, you have to face it.

 

Yeah, this is a great post. It sounds so easy to say, and I'm guilty too - when I help friends through breakups, I say the same things, and it seems to clear to me. But going through it is a whole other story.

 

More to your point, I do feel like I had issues that drove her away. Now, granted, my issues were caused by her issues - but I do wish I would have understood her issues more so I could have been more free as opposed to always walking on egg shells and wandering what was going on.

[TexasGuy12]

Stop it. Usually feelings start to vanish well before the other person has any idea what's going on. This is normal no matter if they have "BPD" or they don't.

 

Either way, you're never going to solve this puzzle. The more you try, the bigger of idiot you're going to look.

 

Stop trying to forge logic into feelings, which are inherently illogical. Just stop.

 

Really respect your opinion. You have over 8K posts on here which means you dedicate lots of time to helping others going through these awful times. Can't thank you enough for that.

 

That being said, you're making it sound way too simple. As if hearing "just stop" will cause me to just stop. I'm on here because I can't just stop. If I could, I would have instantly moved on and would be out enjoying life.

[Frozensushi]

Yes, but in my experience, it is very important to lower your expectations -- and be patient -- during the early months of the courtship period. If you expect your next R/S to start off like gangbusters with fireworks, intense passion, and adoration -- all within the first several weeks -- you are at great risk of running right into the arms of another BPDer just like the one you left.

 

This is a really wonderful post for those of us recovering from this type of relationship.

 

It was some food for thought. I looked back at some of my past relationships. None of my previous R/S with women ever came close to how I felt with my current EX. That's why I 'thought' I had found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Those previous R/S all evolved over time and would eventually lead to those feelings. The intensity was so blinding in the beginning, I couldn't see major red flags.

 

I realize now that when my Ex talked about marriage and having kids with me on our second date that she was experiencing extreme idealization. I just chalked it up to wishful thinking and excitement at the time. She brought up the topic quite frequently in the beginning. This was a huge red flag to me.

 

I brought up marriage months after the honeymoon phase was over, during what I assume was a devaluation period. I hoped it would make her excited and she would be happy to talk about it. She scoffed at the idea of marriage with me saying " she didn't feel the same". Was shocking.

 

Even though Red flags were pulverizing me in the beginning, those intense emotions and powerful feelings of affection clouded my vision. Normally I'd walk away, but as you know, whatever pull they had on us was colossal in magnitude. I would always get drawn back in, every single time. Sort of like those cartoons characters that get drawn in by the tempting tendrils of scent from the pie on the windowsill.

 

Relationships don't start off like that in the beginning. You're right, it's just not realistic. I need to remind myself that it takes time to build a solid foundation with someone. Thank you for pointing this out.

[Frozensushi]

More to your point, I do feel like I had issues that drove her away. Now, granted, my issues were caused by her issues - but I do wish I would have understood her issues more so I could have been more free as opposed to always walking on egg shells and wandering what was going on.

 

This is something I wanted to point out as well. I just hate blaming others for my problems. But dammit, my Ex really caused me a lot of strife and self-doubt that caused issues to arise. I was actually doing pretty great in my life before I got in that relationship.

 

If I had never gone through a relationship like this, I would have never been able to understand it. It's something that needs to be experienced to be truly appreciated.

[Simon Phoenix]

Really respect your opinion. You have over 8K posts on here which means you dedicate lots of time to helping others going through these awful times. Can't thank you enough for that.

 

That being said, you're making it sound way too simple. As if hearing "just stop" will cause me to just stop. I'm on here because I can't just stop. If I could, I would have instantly moved on and would be out enjoying life.

 

The concept is extremely simple. I never said the execution of that was. But yes, you have to "just stop". You've seen what happens when you don't stop. You've been on this forum enough to know what happens when they don't stop.

 

There isn't a magic formula to recovery. There isn't a way to cut corners -- as you're discovering because you've tried that. You just have to buck up, maintain the No Contact, and trudge through this. It sucks to go through it, but you just gotta do it. I wish the answer to your problem was more complicated, more flowery and more fun, but it's not. But the more you complicate the issue, the harder it will be to do what you need to do -- as you're discovering.

 

It's not going to be instant, but you have to stop shooting yourself in the foot. You have to go through the pain completely to come through on the other end. I'm not going to sugarcoat that because it does you no good. You can only control what you do and how you act. You just have to do it -- no matter how much you don't want to do it.

[aloneinaz]

Texas-

 

PHX is on point. There's no magic thing to do to "get over it" than keep paddling upstream. Having contributed here over the years, the folks who stick to strict NC, don't spy on social media, look at old text, emails and pictures while time passes, are the ones who heal the quickest.

 

I also suggest casually dating again when you're able. Sitting home for months and months with nothing to think about but the ex lengthens the recovery time. Dating is a good distraction, improves our self esteem and time spent with the opposite sex is good for our soul.

[Frozensushi]

Having contributed here over the years, the folks who stick to strict NC, don't spy on social media, look at old text, emails and pictures while time passes, are the ones who heal the quickest.

 

This is so true. NC has been helping me very much thus far. I thought I had covered myself. Last night before going to bed, I opened up facebook. The first post I see were all these photos of my Ex. I forgot her aunt friended me a while ago, she posted some pics of a birthday party.

 

My Ex looked super happy, I hadn't seen that smile for a very long time. Here I am, miserable and she couldn't look more content. It was a stutter step for sure, but I'm back on NC, I unfriended her aunt and any other relatives.

 

I don't want to know anything about my Ex. The only way I'm gonna get there is with hardcore NC. It's the only way at this point.

[aloneinaz]

This is so true. NC has been helping me very much thus far. I thought I had covered myself. Last night before going to bed, I opened up facebook. The first post I see were all these photos of my Ex. I forgot her aunt friended me a while ago, she posted some pics of a birthday party.

 

DOH! Epic FB cleanup on aisle 9 failure by you! I CLEANSED my FB the next day after that ex and I ended. All her family and what few "friends" she had were ggooonneee.. It felt soo good.

 

My Ex looked super happy, I hadn't seen that smile for a very long time. Here I am, miserable and she couldn't look more content. It was a stutter step for sure, but I'm back on NC, I unfriended her aunt and any other relatives.

 

As they say on ESPN, "come on man"! FB and social media is so superficial. I know so many people on FB who are miserable and their lives are falling apart. Their posts would make you think just the opposite.

 

It's the new normal that 99% of both dumpers and dumpees post there and other social media hoping and praying their ex will see how happy they are now. All with the sole purpose of trying to make their now ex jealous and get a reaction.

 

Blocking them on all the sites removes them getting any satisfaction.

[Frozensushi]

As they say on ESPN, "come on man"! FB and social media is so superficial. I know so many people on FB who are miserable and their lives are falling apart. Their posts would make you think just the opposite.

 

You're right about that. I have to remember that her public persona is a far stretch to her true personality that no one ever sees. She told me that's why she was always exhausted most of the time because smiling, laughing, being super happy and friendly all the time took a lot out of her. Essentialy, acting how she did in our honeymoon phase.

 

I think I'm good now. The blocking is tight as a drum. Relatives are unfriended and her 2 non-facebook friends are unfriended now as well (she only had one or two close friends that I knew of).

 

It was a blunder but I'm okay!

[TexasGuy12]

Texas-

 

PHX is on point. There's no magic thing to do to "get over it" than keep paddling upstream. Having contributed here over the years, the folks who stick to strict NC, don't spy on social media, look at old text, emails and pictures while time passes, are the ones who heal the quickest.

 

I also suggest casually dating again when you're able. Sitting home for months and months with nothing to think about but the ex lengthens the recovery time. Dating is a good distraction, improves our self esteem and time spent with the opposite sex is good for our soul.

 

Hey thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.

 

The funny thing is I've been going out a lot and have been on a few dates. Early on, I would think of her the entire time. Recently, I haven't thought about her much at all when I'm out.

 

I really WAS doing very well.

 

2 months ago when I came back to this site, I was doing terribly. That lasted for about a week, and then something flipped and I was good for a solid 40 days. Like way better than I ever thought I would have been in September. And then the 40 day mark hit and it all came back. In some ways, worse than before.

[TexasGuy12]

Great post Downtown and I couldn't agree more!

 

What I learned after splitting w/my BPD ex and dating a bunch of new girls was exactly that. A few I dated for weeks/months but none had what you described we all had with the BPD gal at the beginning. When I met my now fiance, it also didn't have the same high level of fireworks or intensity. It was more laid back though still passionate and exciting.

 

It did take me long to figure this gal had the best mental health of anyone I'd ever dated. It also took me a long while to adjust to a normal girlfriend and NOT having to walk on egg shells, not worry about flip flopping mood swings and just settle into a healthy, loving, drama free relationship.

 

I take less fireworks, excitement, and drama anyday!

 

It's actually pretty scary. Not trying to paint BPDers as the devil or as some awful people. That's not the case. But their behavior can be very scary and unnerving if you aren't informed about it.

 

Plus, as much as guys try to portray a tough, macho mantra, we really are hopeless romantics inside and we all want true love just as much as women, if not more. Just calling it like it is. So when you have this beautiful girl who you think is out of your league who isn't just into you, she's infatuated with you...I thought I just found a really unique girl who "got me" and who was able to connect with me on that deeper level. Looking back, should it have been a warning that she was writing me love poems after a month, and tweeting love quotes after our 3rd date? Heck yeah. But I couldn't differentiate between the crazy part of that, and the cool part of that...if that makes sense.

 

Rather than think it was weird that she was so into me, I was just happy that she was so into me.