What to do about pseudo friends

[wing81]

I have been in grad school for about a year now and still feel like I don't have any true friends. Home is about 12 hours away and the nearest relative is 10 hours away. I came not knowing anyone and hoping meet some people. It is hard to go out and meet new people because school keeps me pretty busy. There are people that are in the department that I am in that hung out and stuff but it feels out of obligation. I just don't understand people here or what I should be doing differently. I figure that they do like me because just about all of them share things with me that I wouldn't think they would share with other people but when it comes to go out and doing things I feel like I am easily forgotten. I somethimes think that my phone is broken. A lot of times I'll ask them to call if something is going on, the next day they will tell me what they got into the night before and how much fun they had. Sometimes they will even lie about not doing anything and turn to the person next to me and start talking about what had happened that night. It has been something that has actually been happening all my life. I know calling every 5 minutes is not that way to bring them closer and I don't want to be that guy. I don't really see a point in confronting them because a) what they do is for their own reasons and b) odds are they will just lie more. It is really starting to get to me, especially when half the time they are complaining about not having some to do anything with. Is there a way to get them to actually notice me? Do I just give up on them and just be lonely rather than feel left out and lonely?

[Just Ed]

Hi wing81,

 

It feels frustrating, doesn't it? Your peers seem to seek people to do things with, yet they leave you out of their plans.

 

I say that you stay true to yourself and don't change... clearly you have confidence to study far away from home and meet new challenges. I say that you extend this self-assurance to taking charge of this situation: making true friends.

 

You can take the initiative -- simply introduce yourself to a friendly face, and be their true friend first. As the saying goes, you have to be a true friend to make one. You can also invite yourself to these social events that your friends talk about. (i.e. don't task them to call if something's going on.) For your situation, it's a hidden blessing in that you can meet so many more people when you're alone! (Also, your peers will be pleasantly surprised to see you and likely introduce you to others, perhaps outside your department.)

 

I say that it's time to move away from the department to meet some fresh new faces. There's my favourite meeting spot, the cafeteria, to use my favourite greeting, "may I join you?"

 

Stay busy, keep smiling and stress-free, plus don't appear needy for companionship... give yourself some time; believe me, you will get people to notice you.

[Craig]

Take the initiative and invite one or several people out as friends.

 

The phone thingy works both ways

[Nomad]

I feel your pain, Wing. It is very hurtful to feel left out of things. Sometimes it feels easier to just "give up" & stop trying to get people to like you/want to hang out with you. I've been in that position a few times in my own life.

 

You say it's a life-long problem, so it's likely not simply related to the current group of people you're associating with: it's a problem with you. There's some aspect of your personality and/or behavior that makes people not like you, or at least not want to be your friend. Maybe you're a boring guy? I myself have always thought I was kind of boring (I'm also shy), which makes people indifferent towards me.

 

You're away at school now...do you have a group of friends back home, from high schoo or whatever?

[SummerRae]

Wing, I feel your pain, trust me! I think we all have times we feel that way and I personally have felt that way more often than not. I mean I have LOTS of friends from all walks of life but very few that I have an awesome time with. In fact, some of them I'd rather see in smaller doses.

 

You are your own best friend. It has taken me quite some time to realize that. And I'm only slowly starting to see that.

 

What are you into? I ask that because for a while I was still going to the bar all the time even though all the people there were def. NOT my kind of peeps. Too shallow, too disinterested in learning, lack of intelligence/depth, etc. Ask yourself what kind of friend you truly really want? What kind of friend would be your dream friend? What would you do together? How would you feel with them? Start doing some of the things you would like to do w/ them... if you like hiking, go hiking. If you like running, run.

 

I know for me, I really really wanted to find spiritual people and people who have a great sense of humour. Because as much as I love to analyze the meaning of life, I also love to kick back and have a good time with dancing, wine, etc... I would just like to do it w/ people I enjoy. I have since been expanding my circle of friends so fast that I am filling up my days a week so much that I am really feeling balanced. (MOST of the time anyways). Do the things you enjoy and you will naturally attract like-minded people. The Law of Attraction. Just do whatever you can to work on YOU and how you FEEL and the rest will follow suit, trust me.

 

PM me if you need to vent some more...

[wing81]

Thanks for all of your replies so far. I guess deep down I kind of knew the answers already. I guess part of the problem is that i don't really know who I am. I enjoy doing a lot of different things and seem to not fit into any cliques. Nobody hates me but at the same time nobody goes out fo there way to spend time with me. I do have a few friends back home but maybe 2 to 3 that I have kept in constant touch with. I always feel like I'm the one on the phone making the calls trying to set things up. I know I can be overly shy sometimes and a lot of times too scared and nervous to talk to people, maybe I am boring. I usually don't make very good first impressions and those that take the time to get to know me are the ones that seem to stay friends the longest. I don't know why but I have always gotten along better with people a lot older than me, I think mainly because I can be a little too cautious. I just need to let go of my everyday inhibitions. Anybody know how?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by wing81

Thanks for all of your replies so far. I guess deep down I kind of knew the answers already. I guess part of the problem is that i don't really know who I am. I enjoy doing a lot of different things and seem to not fit into any cliques. Nobody hates me but at the same time nobody goes out fo there way to spend time with me. I do have a few friends back home but maybe 2 to 3 that I have kept in constant touch with. I always feel like I'm the one on the phone making the calls trying to set things up. I know I can be overly shy sometimes and a lot of times too scared and nervous to talk to people, maybe I am boring. I usually don't make very good first impressions and those that take the time to get to know me are the ones that seem to stay friends the longest. I don't know why but I have always gotten along better with people a lot older than me, I think mainly because I can be a little too cautious. I just need to let go of my everyday inhibitions. Anybody know how?

 

Wow, I know what you are talking about! First off, let me start by saying that you ARE NOT boring. And there is NOTHING wrong with you. You just haven't found your "tribe" of people yet. Once you figure out who you are, what you like, and what you don't like, it will be much easier to find what you like.

 

I can only speak for myself, but that is how it happened to me. I was hanging out with all these shallow partiers and basically, the only thing we had in common was drinking. I could never hold a phone conversation w/ them on the phone, and I was always struggling to "fit in."

 

I have since realized that that is NOT me. The me I really am (like it or not) is intellectual, spiritual, and open-hearted. (Though I still enjoy a few glasses of wine, martinis, etc... sometimes and can be shallow at times too...)

 

I have started attracting like-minded people and it's like, why did I resist myself for so long?? I always thought there was something wrong w/ me for being spiritual (not religious, just really philosophical about the meaning of life and all that), and something wrong with "thinking too much." Not so. I just needed to accept that in myself and then start going to those places where like-minded people would be.

 

My social life is now flourishing. I can honestly say I've never been happier. It has nothing to do with all the friends though. It's more about being happy inside because I am being ME. Not everyone is going to like us. And you have no idea how long it took me to realize that.

 

I sense you are a genuine person and oftentimes it's hard to find genuine people. You will, and one thing you can do to speed up the process is to eliminate those friendships that are no longer serving you or them. If you are putting in more effort ALL the time, then they may not be your friends. You need to find people who are as into you as you are with them. And when you free up that space (and energy) you will find that you attract the good things into your life. Just know that you are absolutely wonderful the way you are. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks but YOU.

[Trainee]

"The me I really am (like it or not) is intellectual, spiritual, and open-hearted."

 

Where can one find people like this?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Trainee

"The me I really am (like it or not) is intellectual, spiritual, and open-hearted."

 

Where can one find people like this?

 

Good question. I think like attracts like. So if we feel ****ty about ourselves, we attract not-so-nice peeps. When we love ourselves, we attract loving people.

 

I have been finding people like this at therapy (groups), a spiritual centre I've started attending, and even on the net. I have bumped into them at school (though I spent 2 years w/ some of these people and did not know until 2 years down the road that they were spiritual---it was only when I "put it out there" and consciously acknowledged that I am spiritual that they risked putting themselves out there too. (I say risked because for me, I still sometimes cringe when I think of how people stereotype "spirituality". In my mind, until you've really looked inwards and started to question the deeper meaning of life, you really don't get a full picture of the word Spiritual.)

 

I think that once we accept who we are and really put the intention out there that we want to attract like people into our lives, it naturally happens on it's own. But of course we still have to get out there in the world and seek places where we like-minded people would go. I guess I have strong Faith in this system (the Law of Attraction). It's worked for me anyways.

[Nomad]

Originally posted by SummerRae

Wow, I know what you are talking about! First off, let me start by saying that you ARE NOT boring. And there is NOTHING wrong with you. You just haven't found your "tribe" of people yet. Once you figure out who you are, what you like, and what you don't like, it will be much easier to find what you like.

 

 

Some people ARE boring. That's just a fact.