Inspiredone Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 So I was stood up, again. Another big event, another no show, no call from the MM. I should know better than to expect he'd come through. I have literally begun to dread holidays and special occasions because I know the result will be some broken promise, canceled plan or non event. I know better. Know I deserve more and yet... But the difference today is instead of continuing with this farce and having a pity party or getting angry and bracing for a fight I came here. Because I'm tired of the dread, and disappointment of days like today. I have lurked on these boards for years. I read the posts to remind myself it will not get better and I will not be better until I set this down and move on with my life. So here I am. Asking for some support from those of you who have been where I am now. Link to post Share on other sites
wonderingheart Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 I'm sure I'm not as sorry as you are for the way that you feel and moving on is difficult. The only thing that will help you through all this is to remember how you feel RIGHT NOW the next time you want to contact him, or he comes back around. This feeling and this hurt will fade as memories of better feelings and happier moments consume the grief and the craving for some good overtakes the need to not be hurt again. I suggest you find a meme (I have one on my phone as my main photo) that reminds you of how this hurts with an inspirational quote. Wordporn on Facebook has many. You'll be forced to remember the hurt before you can remember what keeps sucking you in. Eventually you will be able to move past the hurt without the better memories just pushing it aside and you'll be better for it. Stay strong, and keep looking ahead. If you don't look back, this won't ever happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiredone Posted August 8, 2016 Author Share Posted August 8, 2016 I just downloaded a meme! Thank you for a great suggestion. I know from experience that the desire to "feel better" can override common sense. But I'm tired of being the one standing in the way of my happiness by settling. I know from past failed attempts at NC how difficult it is. But the good news is that I know what to expect and can anticipate how to combat the moments of weakness. If I could only hold on to this feeling it would be cake. "Stay strong, and keep looking ahead. If you don't look back, this won't ever happen again." Saving this for inspiration. Thanks 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 So I was stood up, again. Another big event, another no show, no call from the MM. I should know better than to expect he'd come through. I have literally begun to dread holidays and special occasions because I know the result will be some broken promise, canceled plan or non event. I know better. Know I deserve more and yet... But the difference today is instead of continuing with this farce and having a pity party or getting angry and bracing for a fight I came here. Because I'm tired of the dread, and disappointment of days like today. I have lurked on these boards for years. I read the posts to remind myself it will not get better and I will not be better until I set this down and move on with my life. So here I am. Asking for some support from those of you who have been where I am now. This is an example of accepting crumbs that you've seen people talk about. And it is very hard for people not in this type of relationship to understand. In a normal and healthy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where you love each other you don't get stood up as often. Rarely, if ever. XMM and I are still friends because there were times I had to take one in the chin. We were also long distance, so when I was in his area, I'd schedule other things. I was uber organized about it. I had a list of stores, restaurants activities I wanted to try. I also joined a few meetup groups. I had a back up plan if he did have to cancel at the last minute. To be honest, I'm a bit of a workaholic, so more often than not if he cancelled, I'd take a nap. The reason it worked as long as it did was I firmly believed he wanted to be with me during the times we had scheduled. I was confident when waiting for him to call that he was motivated to call or text just as soon as he could. I never had the thought process that he was playing a waiting game or just blowing me off because he could. Even in the last year we were together there were times he called that he probably shouldn't have, but he had the time, so he did. My two boyfriends before him used the phone, communication and schedule as a weapon. They were very good at it. I carry baggage from them to this day, even though technology has made much of what they did obsolete. There's no way in hell I'd tolerate the crap they pulled today. Of course, they didn't love me (neither did MM, but that's okay) or respect me. They were selfish and narcissist. It's kind of sad that it took seven years with a MM for me to find my voice and set my limits. You deserve more than what he can give you. You really do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiredone Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 Thanks for your feedback, after five years I know all about "crumbs" I have gotten so good and filling the gaps when he "can't" be with me. But why should I live like that? Today I left a perfectly lovely time with friends to be home, waiting, when he was supposed to come by. And the rest they say is History. I realize a birthday is a great opportunity to take stock and make changes. I like my life, except the angst and drama he brings into it. I accepted crumbs and so that is all I got. I'm extending my birthday, so I can have a do over, without the sadness. Making my own plans to do have day of my own, my way. No crumbs this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 My heart goes out to you. It is disappointing to be a filler in or a supplement to someone's life. You deserve to be at the center of it. All these years of being treated this way chips away at your soul. It's tiring to be disappointed by someone you care for and prioritize in your life. It's even more tiring to witness that someone not understand how terrible it feels. I know sometimes people focus on the fact that you had a part in putting yourself in that position, but emotions have a way of blinding you to the point where you accept a fraction of a relationship. I hope you get to re-celebrate your birthday, surrounded by friends and family that adore you and make you feel special because that is what you deserve. Show this man that you do not sit around waiting for him and that you are taking the power back. This time around, he gets the crumbs if he's lucky, or nothing at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 So is it harder to give up on a guy who gives you crumbs or quit smoking? I ask because folks do both all the time. And you can too. Can you think of a time where you did something harder to do in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiredone Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 "Can you think of a time where you did something harder to do in your life?" Yes NTV, I can. And it's thoughts like this that help put this into perspective. I blocked his number and when he called me at work I hung up so I did not start my day with his excuses. Then I focused on my job and got on with my day. As for my birthday, my coworkers decorated my office to welcome me back, my friends and family are calling with well wishes and I am throwing a party at a local restaurant this weekend with my friends. The Life I have is indeed blessed. So much to look forward to without this man in my life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Did he send you a text or anything? Are you saying that he arranged to meet you & do something special for your birthday & just didn't turn-up? Just called in the morning with excuses? Does his wife confiscate his phone when he gets home? Lock him in the basement? What excuse can there possibly be? I don't understand! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiredone Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I came home after brunch with a friend to meet him. But he never showed up to spend the day with me, as we'd previously planned. He just didn't show up, he didn't call, text, smoke signal. nothing. I don't know what excuse he has. I didn't take his call today. I'm adjusting my schedule so our paths do not cross, blocking contact and keeping as busy as I can with things I can control. I can control how I behave, how I conduct myself and I can choose not to engage in the push me pull you of this doomed affair. Speculating on the what he is thinking/doing will just throw me off my game. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Short of being hospitalized, surgery etc. there's no excuse! There are lots of OW supporting eachother in NC. It's the only answer. Happy Birthday! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 The best thing you can do is use your anger to get out of the affair. Write down all the times you've been let down. Draw a column down the middle of a piece of paper and write the benefits on one side and the drawbacks on the other. Then decide if this is what you are happy with for the rest of your life. A man who: You can't be open in public with You can't phone any time of day Cannot treat you as number 1 You cannot depend on Doesn't love you enough to give you the life you deserve This relationship is holding you back from making the progress that an honest relationship has. You can't plan to live together, to go househunting, children etc You said it's been 5 years ..... unless you want to be in the same position in the next 5 years, get out and stay out. Don't you think you deserve better than another woman's husband fitting you in where he can. Be the only one, not the hidden one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I came home after brunch with a friend to meet him. But he never showed up to spend the day with me, as we'd previously planned. He just didn't show up, he didn't call, text, smoke signal. nothing. I don't know what excuse he has. I didn't take his call today. I'm adjusting my schedule so our paths do not cross, blocking contact and keeping as busy as I can with things I can control. I can control how I behave, how I conduct myself and I can choose not to engage in the push me pull you of this doomed affair. Speculating on the what he is thinking/doing will just throw me off my game. You're a shrewd girl who has made a very wise decision... This person is a boy trying to wear man sized trousers...he should go back to shorts, he's not grown up enough for those.... What a wonderful life you have to look forward to without that idiot in it. Wishing you wonderful things. Cuckoo Link to post Share on other sites
heartfeltlove Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 5 years. 5 Years you have lived in the shadows of someone else's whim... 5 years you have permitted someone else to govern the direction your heart has taken, and it has become perilous, torturous and damaging. You have not so much walked alongside him, but have been the willing wingman in a free-climb That is your sole security. This is what you grasp. That is all that rests between your safety and your demise. Your willingness to grab. Ask yourself where you want to be? On the rock, or suspended underneath it by a fingernail...? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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