Married 20 years and seperated for 4. Reconciled and wife had 4 partners

[SadSteve1976]

Married for 20 years. Seperated for 4 years. Recently reconciled. 3 young children. I'm having a huge problem with my wife having 4 partners. She wanted the seperation. I didn't. She claimed no sex and no relationship. 8 months back together and just now telling me the truth. I lived with my parents and she kept the kids, house, everything. I had nothing but I did not divorce because I wanted my family back. I never slept with anyone because she said she wasn't. Had men in my bed and my home. I'm just a mechanic. She slept with 4 people multiple times. No relationship strictly for sexual needs. I find her disgusting now. And I am jealous. They were as follows. 2 police officers, 1 professional body builder and 1 radiologist doctor that has won a major lawsuit worth 11 million. I love my wife and kids but I'm so angry I can't see straight. Been arrested 4 time. Fighting is out of control ect..... All I can think about is visualizing her in the act with these men. I'm being very mean to her. How do I get over this!!!

[Jeff1690]

Married for 20 years. Seperated for 4 years. Recently reconciled. 3 young children. I'm having a huge problem with my wife having 4 partners. She wanted the seperation. I didn't. She claimed no sex and no relationship. 8 months back together and just now telling me the truth. I lived with my parents and she kept the kids, house, everything. I had nothing but I did not divorce because I wanted my family back. I never slept with anyone because she said she wasn't. Had men in my bed and my home. I'm just a mechanic. She slept with 4 people multiple times. No relationship strictly for sexual needs. I find her disgusting now. And I am jealous. They were as follows. 2 police officers, 1 professional body builder and 1 radiologist doctor that has won a major lawsuit worth 11 million. I love my wife and kids but I'm so angry I can't see straight. Been arrested 4 time. Fighting is out of control ect..... All I can think about is visualizing her in the act with these men. I'm being very mean to her. How do I get over this!!!

Just started going through an unwanted divorce right now. Did not want it. Thought since the wife was going through menopause, PTSD, and sexual abuse I should stay with her and fight together through our problems. But, I just found out she had a EA and possible PA. I want out now. She lied to me and betrayed my trust. Married 23 years 22 years of it happy.

 

Quit getting in fights, and going to jail over her. Turn that anger towards improving your life. I know it is tough. I have spent my time working out to help get back in shape which is coming along great, plus it gets the anger out and makes me feel much better.

 

I am devastated by my wife's betrayal. But I will not let her win. My goal is to fight through this and be happy. She can have her OM. ANd if you read the stats on AP having a sound, complete, relationship they almost always tank. They can't forget what both are capable. Hopefully while she goes down in flames I hope to be in a happy relationship and let her see it and regret her decision to destroy our family.

 

Your wife slept with four men. Dude walk away clean. You were faithful she was not you did what you were supposed to do and did it right. She betrayed you. Set some goals and reach for them, not her.

[Lowrider93]

The two cops,the body builder and the lawyer essentially were saying to you come get your dog back, otherwise she would still be with them!

[hl1962]

You were plan E.

[SadSteve1976]

I hear you guys. 3 kids and I do love her. I'm not making excuses but I was a major cause of the seperation. What is killing me is the lying. Hey she's human like us. She did what she had to do. But now I've been home for almost a year. Besides the other men it's good. I don't think i could leave now. But I'm unable to forgive. So do I have to leave???? This is no good for the kids either. Is there a way to look at this where I can forgive? I'm gona be 40 the 25th. 10 years ago I would have walked and made 4 stops Before I somewhere far away!

[Alamo657]

Your "wife" lied to you, disrespected you in your own marital bed, and wanted to try other things while keeping you on the backburner, just in case.

 

Think about it.

[PegNosePete]

She did what she had to do.

No. She did what she wanted to do.

 

So do I have to leave????

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. But lying is a major killer of relationships. Without trust you have no chance of surviving this. And how can you trust someone who lies?

 

Been arrested 4 time. Fighting is out of control ect.....

Dude, you need to get this under control. Get into therapy if you're not already. This is NOT good for the kids to see. Do you want 4 arrests and fighting to be their role model when they grow up?

[Lowrider93]

Your blaming the four men for their indiscretions with your wife, at what point do you really look at who is responsible for the affairs and hold her accountable.

There is a name for women(or men) that sleep around with multiple people just for the sex!, see it as it really is, there is nothing here that you can repair.

40 years old is still young, don't use that as a reason to stay in a dysfunctional

relationship!

[hl1962]

A classic principle in Chinese culture, If you use a person, don't doubt them. If you doubt a person, don't use them. If you decide to stay, wipe out the past and start over. Ask yourself, can you do it, and do you truly have the discipline to do that?

[elaine567]

Why were you not having sex with your wife in the first place?

[Friskyone4u]

Sad Steve,

 

Hold on here buddy. If I read it correctly, there was an explicit agreement between your wife and you that this separation was to be done with no other romantic or sexual entanglements.

 

That means that whats she has done is no different than if you had been living in the house.

She has

(1) lied and betrayed you over and over

(2) done the most disrespectful thing possible, bringing other men into your home and marital bed.

(3) made you think that when you reconciled that she had kept her end of the agreement

(4) then you find out and did she confess voluntarily or did you catch her???

(5) expects you to just accept this and move on like nothing ever happened.

 

My friend, if you were not outraged and pissed off, you would be off your rocker.

 

now the big question here is who are these other men? Is she still in contact with any of them?? if not, how are you sure?? have you notified any of their spouses? is she totally transparent with every electronic device she owns? What are you doing to verify anything she tells you??

 

if you do not have answers to the questions above, then you are not in any kind of reconciliation.

 

And lastly, you do not owe her anything. She should be groveling at your feet right now begging you not to leave her. And obviously you should not get physically violent with a woman, you are allowed to express your anger and she should be more than willing to take it.

 

These other men , while you need to make sure they are not still around, are NOT your problem. YOUR WIFE IS.

 

You need to get the boundaries and expectations and a written timeline in place pronto.

[Mr. Lucky]

I never slept with anyone because she said she wasn't.

 

If you're separated for 4 years, why are you due a real-time accounting of her sexual activities ???

 

Had men in my bed and my home.

 

Actually, it was her bed and her home, assuming you were living somewhere else...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited August 9, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[SadSteve1976]

Why were you not having sex with your wife in the first place?

 

Woooooooo!!! I tried having sex with my wife every breathing moment. I tried having sex with her in my sleep. As a matter of fact I have tried having sex with her all morning today. That was also an issue. She never wanted it. She swears there was no infidelity while we were together. And one of my biggest problems with all of this is the fact that she says it's none of my buisness. Seems that most of you agree. I don't! These are the facts. We were still MARRIED!!! I did not want the seperation. She was in my home with my 3 children and a lifetime of our belongings. And I repeatedly asked her about seeing people, or having sex. Every time the answer was no. I tried to be civil but she refused and kept everything! My only option was a lawyer. So I borrowed 7 thousand dollars from my dad and got the baddest lawyer I could find. His nick name was the pit bull of

Mens defenses for divorce proceedings. They had investigators, pictures, you name it. I lost a buisness I was running in 08 as so did so many others so we decided I will stay home and raise the kids. So I was clear for alimony also. She pulled around 140k every year. But when it came time to pull the trigger I could not do it!! I love my wife with all my heart, so I continued year after year waiting for her. And I'm sure you all can appreciate the fact I went 4 years without having sex. I was miserable! So what gives her the right in this particular situation to lie to me about sexual parteners and feel it's none of my buisness. Especially when my decision on coming back home could be changed due to the fact she was sleeping with other men. I know me. I knew I could not deal with it handle that. I knew I would lose control. That's why I needed to know the truth before entering back into our marriage! Instead I was lied to over and over. I was looking on her face book one night at 1 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. I found a series of back and forth texting about how this man was going to perform cunnilingus on my wife with his tounge ring! The response was he would be snuck in the back door when the kids fell asleep. I am outraged at this very moment that this happened with my precious little innocent daughters in their rooms! And the census is that it's none of my buisness what she does because we were seperated. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. So please anyone with any insight help me out here. Because apparently I'm the only one that thinks I deserve to know. If anything how about telling me out of respect for a 25 year relationship??????

[Mr. Lucky]

But when it came time to pull the trigger I could not do it!! I love my wife with all my heart, so I continued year after year waiting for her. And I'm sure you all can appreciate the fact I went 4 years without having sex. I was miserable! So what gives her the right in this particular situation to lie to me about sexual parteners and feel it's none of my buisness. Especially when my decision on coming back home could be changed due to the fact she was sleeping with other men. I know me. I knew I could not deal with it handle that. I knew I would lose control. That's why I needed to know the truth before entering back into our marriage! Instead I was lied to over and over. I was looking on her face book one night at 1 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. I found a series of back and forth texting about how this man was going to perform cunnilingus on my wife with his tounge ring! The response was he would be snuck in the back door when the kids fell asleep. I am outraged at this very moment that this happened with my precious little innocent daughters in their rooms! And the census is that it's none of my buisness what she does because we were seperated. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. So please anyone with any insight help me out here. Because apparently I'm the only one that thinks I deserve to know. If anything how about telling me out of respect for a 25 year relationship??????

 

Expecting your separated spouse is going to be celibate for 4 years is simply setting yourself up to fail, regardless of your own commitment to chastity.

 

Anyway, water under the bridge. Either you'll accept what happened in the 4 intervening years - or you won't. Having already put your life on hold for so long, I'd make a quick decision for everyone involved.

 

Sorry for your pain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lowrider93]

She is not the person you once knew, your children deserve to see their father happy, are you happy?, you deserve to be. You need to see that she does not have the same values you do about marriage, those flew out the window.

The end of relationships are like quicksand, the more you struggle the quicker you sink. How can you fight for her knowing she doesn't exist.

She wrote you off along time ago, for your benefit you need to do the same.

I'm happy to hear that you hired a good lawyer, your in a hole, now get out of it.

 

Peace

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Steve,

 

May I offer my apologies for what you are going thru with this difficult time. I too was a betrayed spouse that caused the end of a 16 yr marriage and over 20 yr relationship. And you do have the right to know what happened and let your feelings known.

 

With that said her clearly poor behavior does not justify your admittedly poor behavior.

 

You've said that you just can not forgive her, you treat her meanly, you have been arrested and this is not good for the self-esteem of your daughters.

 

Yes, I agree what has happened is horrible and deserve to be upset even angry, but you do not deserve to be cruel. It seems that you have lost yourself in the anger and that can not be good for, especially if you've been repeatedly arrested.

 

Your daughters need a strong father who can set a good example of how women should be treated. Your their mother will have stand for her choice of mistreating their father.

 

For me I had to learn to accept an apology that my former-husband did not actually offer.

Now that by no means that I have an good feelings for him....that means he and the drama are not my problem anyone.

 

Please slow down before someone gets hurt. If you as you have said so many times...I can not forgive her...well...Yes you must leave. It seems the love between the two of you is not healthy and does not bring either of you true happiness.

[kgcolonel]

Steve,

 

Let's take a step back for a second....I get you, your wife lied, cheated and lied and cheated on you while you two were separated.....I get it. Should you be hurt? Absolutely!!!! Was this inappropiate? Absolutely....

 

The idea of "expectations" or are you right in expecting her to be "pure" during the four years, only you can answer that. I see everyone one else, not emotionally involved with her or you stating that to expect anyone to remain sexless for four years when they have options isn't what they'd expect.

 

Now for the key items: You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Now you know what she did, when she did it and under what circumstances she did it. What are you going to do? Can you get over it and become a family for your kids first, yourself second and finally your wife? If you can move on and work on things you can improve or change, you'll be a better dad away from your wife. Your kids will suffer seeing, sensing your disdain for your wife.

 

One question, why did you and your wife decide to return to the family unit?

[Alltohim]

First I would consider taking care ofyourself by seeing a counselor. Then looking for some support in achurch or other organization again for yourself. Then getting sometime for both of you to see a counselor to iron out the issues if sheis willing. Take one thing at a time and don't push. It's apparentyou still love your wife from what you say, so make sure she knows itand go on from there.

If you can work through this and leavethe past behind, it will be worth the effort, but it will take a lotof work.

[LexiB]

So sorry for your pain.

 

It sounds like she initiated the divorce talk, and initiated the seperation. In these circumstances, I don't think you could expect her to be celibate for all this time. I imagine she kept her actions from you to spare your feelings. But out of respect, yes, she should have been honest with you when you asked, and allowed you to make an informed decision about your relationship earlier than 4 years later.

 

Now you've moved back in the house.

 

Who initiated the reconciliation?

[road]

Woooooooo!!! I tried having sex with my wife every breathing moment. I tried having sex with her in my sleep. As a matter of fact I have tried having sex with her all morning today. That was also an issue. She never wanted it. She swears there was no infidelity while we were together. And one of my biggest problems with all of this is the fact that she says it's none of my buisness. Seems that most of you agree. I don't! These are the facts. We were still MARRIED!!! I did not want the seperation. She was in my home with my 3 children and a lifetime of our belongings. And I repeatedly asked her about seeing people, or having sex. Every time the answer was no. I tried to be civil but she refused and kept everything! My only option was a lawyer. So I borrowed 7 thousand dollars from my dad and got the baddest lawyer I could find. His nick name was the pit bull of

Mens defenses for divorce proceedings. They had investigators, pictures, you name it. I lost a buisness I was running in 08 as so did so many others so we decided I will stay home and raise the kids. So I was clear for alimony also. She pulled around 140k every year. But when it came time to pull the trigger I could not do it!! I love my wife with all my heart, so I continued year after year waiting for her. And I'm sure you all can appreciate the fact I went 4 years without having sex. I was miserable! So what gives her the right in this particular situation to lie to me about sexual parteners and feel it's none of my buisness. Especially when my decision on coming back home could be changed due to the fact she was sleeping with other men. I know me. I knew I could not deal with it handle that. I knew I would lose control. That's why I needed to know the truth before entering back into our marriage! Instead I was lied to over and over. I was looking on her face book one night at 1 in the morning because I couldn't sleep. I found a series of back and forth texting about how this man was going to perform cunnilingus on my wife with his tounge ring! The response was he would be snuck in the back door when the kids fell asleep. I am outraged at this very moment that this happened with my precious little innocent daughters in their rooms! And the census is that it's none of my buisness what she does because we were seperated. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. So please anyone with any insight help me out here. Because apparently I'm the only one that thinks I deserve to know. If anything how about telling me out of respect for a 25 year relationship??????

 

 

Sad truth is your WW wanted the separation because as all other WW's do she had your replacement lined up. She did not want you home because she would not be free to have her affairs trying other men out.

 

 

She continued to lie because she felt you could not prove she cheated.

 

 

Now the point is these 4 years and who really knows how many more OM there are can not be undone.

 

 

So if you want to recover your marriage or get a divorce is up to you. You have kids and I understand you having that motivation to save your marriage.

 

 

If you do then there are many steps that you have to take to recover your marriage.

 

 

First step to find out the whole truth as to why the separation, how many OM, what happened with them, verify that WW has NC with the OM, block all WW contact with the OM for starters.

 

 

Then find out all the ways how WW communicated with the OM and shut them down whether FB, secret emails, etc.

 

 

Have WW tested for STD's and a polygraph test.

[Marc878]

You wasted 4 years of your life. Don't waste anymore.

[elaine567]

Ok I misunderstood I thought "she claimed no sex, no relationship" was the reason for the split, but you say you were a major cause of the break up.

Why was it your fault?

[BluesPower]

Man I am so sorry. You need to divorce her now buddy. A 4 year separation? Did I read that right? Steve are you out of your mind, I mean what were you thinking?

 

What did you think was going to happen. She has needs sleeping with all those hot men and you don't. How does she justify that?

 

For my money, you have really been a fool. I hate to be so blunt, but come on.

 

Please give me so feedback, some info, something so that maybe someone can help you sort this out.

[elaine567]

I am not sure why you thought that a separated woman was not going to go and get sex elsewhere?

It seems like a tall order to me, to expect a healthy, and fairly young woman to remain celibate for 4 years????

 

The problem here is not just the sex she had, it is the perceived "quality" of the men she had sex with that rankles here and that, I do not think you will get over by yourself.

You have taken a direct hit to your manhood, she "never wanted" sex with you, she broke up with you, and then had sex ((whilst separated) with men that you feel are "better" than you.

 

YOU can't possibly do this all on your own, you are going to need counselling. If there were no children involved I would say go and never look back, but with three young children and the love you have for your wife (despite all), then I guess you are going nowhere, so you need to be able to live with yourself and that is where counselling will come in, both for yourself and your marriage.