I loved a married woman and now my life has turned upside down!

[LunaticLove]

So late last year I came to know a lady in my line of work. It started out as an innocent friendship but somewhere along the line things changed and we bagn to grow strong feelings towards each other. These feelings are mutual. Maybe we are still in the admiration phase, maybe we are not deeply in love but at the very least we are on our way there. we have great affection towards each other and genuinely care for each other. She's one of a kind, the person you pray to God that you'd meet once in your life. I could talk to her for hours on end and it would feel like only minutes have passed. She's sweet as a child, very polite, well-read, breathtakingly beautiful, so accomplished; my heart just melts when I'm spending those few fleeting moments with her. She's very smart, she speaks 6 languages, she can hold her weight in any conversation. I find that type of smart and independent women very sexy. But then she's married, and she has 2 kids. And that's where the problem is, we – at least I – felt very guilty about this. I felt like I'm ruining a family. We both come from conservative backgrounds and as such we never had sex or any kind of intimate physical contact. She has a charming character and personality and that's why I fell for her. I always told her that her kids best interests should always come before her happiness or mine. 3 months ago, I decided to walk away. It was very difficult for me, it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But I didn't want her to live with a secret, I didn't want her to hide anything, I wanted her to maintain her integrity. It was all very agonizing for me but it was even more for her, it was killing her. Her heart was genuinely broken, she took it very bad, she cried this relationship. She kept asking me to come back; it was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. Nonetheless I managed to stay away albeit not completely. We stopped meeting and texting but a string of back and forth emails stayed alive. Right now she's going through an extremely difficult period. She has been having problems with her husband since forever but recently they decided to part ways. She plans on taking the kids and relocating to another country 5000 miles away. Her emails are very painful (her husband is emotionally abusive) and she begs me to go back to her, she needs support at this hard point in her life. I told her that I can only be back if she's officially divorced and that's the only way we can be together and be at peace with ourselves. That's what my mind tells me, but my heart tells me a very different story. I feel awful that I'm abandoning her when she needs me the most. I really am starting to hate myself and I know that won't end well. If this goes on for few more months, I will need to have some therapy. It's extremely difficult for me. I can't stop thinking about her at all. She NEEDS me, I know as much. And I'd be a fool if I thought that I could ever find someone like her again; we are soulmates, that's how she always describes us.

 

So here's my question. Am I right by keeping my distance? Or am I being selfish? This is eating me inside, I'm usually not someone who abandons his loved ones.

 

I'm ready to do all if she gets divorced. I don't mind moving to that 5000 miles away country. I don't mind that she is 10 years older than me (34 and 24). I don't mind exploring the prospects of being together and starting a family in the future and being a part of those 2 kid's lives.

 

 

Please advise me. Thanks a lot.

Edited August 9, 2016 by LunaticLove

[NTV]

If my wife was having a romantic relationship with another man I wouldn't respect her enough to treat her well.... is it possible that you are not the only one or the first?

 

And taking the kids and moving 5000 miles away from their father.... that's horrible.

 

For you man I think you're looking at her through rose colored glasses. Her doing both those things kinda point the opposite direction of perfect.

 

Keeping your space is a really great idea. Imo anyway.

[LunaticLove]

If my wife was having a romantic relationship with another man I wouldn't respect her enough to treat her well.... is it possible that you are not the only one or the first?

 

And taking the kids and moving 5000 miles away from their father.... that's horrible.

 

For you man I think you're looking at her through rose colored glasses. Her doing both those things kinda point the opposite direction of perfect.

 

Keeping your space is a really great idea. Imo anyway.

 

Thanks a lot for replying. Yes, I see your point. It's horrible, for the kids as well as for the father. But this is something that they both agreed on. The kids get to stay the summers with their faher back home and he would be with them for Christmas and all. And they would have access to better education and more opportunities in the new place. Actually he has another woman in his life and that's why this divorce is happening.

 

I agree with you, I'm looking through rose colored glasses. But somehow I can't help it. I don't want to regret things later on, either by letting her go or by staying.

[loveisanaction]

I think for a 24 year old you have the most disciplined character. In your post i read no justification for the emotional affair, no excuses, and no bashing your other woman’s husband.

 

You never tried to take advantage of her in her weakest moments and walked away from her because she could not fully be yours.

 

That you held your own and walked away from a woman who is married, a woman whom you have strong feelings, shows that not only do you respect her you love her. You also respect her husband, her children and you respect yourself. You get it!

 

For that, I doff my hat to you Sir.

 

Even now, you are in torment as to whether you should contact her because she isn’t legally separated.

 

So far, you’ve done very well.

 

Your other woman is going through something painful, divorce is never easy. Does she have family or friends that she can confide in? Or maybe she can join a therapy group.

 

Let her know that you are not abandoning her in darkest hour and encourage her to confide in her friends and family unit. Tell her that you will be there for her once she is a divorced woman and that the reason you cannot go through this with her is because of your conscience; you wouldn’t want it to seem like you were the cause of the break-up of her family.

 

If she as good a woman as you have described and she loves you as much as you say she does, she will understand your reason for staying away….then she can come back to you as a divorced woman.

 

Good luck....

Edited August 9, 2016 by loveisanaction

[MidnightBlue1980]

So late last year I came to know a lady in my line of work. It started out as an innocent friendship but somewhere along the line things changed and we bagn to grow strong feelings towards each other. These feelings are mutual. Maybe we are still in the admiration phase, maybe we are not deeply in love but at the very least we are on our way there. we have great affection towards each other and genuinely care for each other. She's one of a kind, the person you pray to God that you'd meet once in your life. I could talk to her for hours on end and it would feel like only minutes have passed. She's sweet as a child, very polite, well-read, breathtakingly beautiful, so accomplished; my heart just melts when I'm spending those few fleeting moments with her. She's very smart, she speaks 6 languages, she can hold her weight in any conversation. I find that type of smart and independent women very sexy. But then she's married, and she has 2 kids. And that's where the problem is, we – at least I – felt very guilty about this. I felt like I'm ruining a family. We both come from conservative backgrounds and as such we never had sex or any kind of intimate physical contact. She has a charming character and personality and that's why I fell for her. I always told her that her kids best interests should always come before her happiness or mine. 3 months ago, I decided to walk away. It was very difficult for me, it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But I didn't want her to live with a secret, I didn't want her to hide anything, I wanted her to maintain her integrity. It was all very agonizing for me but it was even more for her, it was killing her. Her heart was genuinely broken, she took it very bad, she cried this relationship. She kept asking me to come back; it was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. Nonetheless I managed to stay away albeit not completely. We stopped meeting and texting but a string of back and forth emails stayed alive. Right now she's going through an extremely difficult period. She has been having problems with her husband since forever but recently they decided to part ways. She plans on taking the kids and relocating to another country 5000 miles away. Her emails are very painful (her husband is emotionally abusive) and she begs me to go back to her, she needs support at this hard point in her life. I told her that I can only be back if she's officially divorced and that's the only way we can be together and be at peace with ourselves. That's what my mind tells me, but my heart tells me a very different story. I feel awful that I'm abandoning her when she needs me the most. I really am starting to hate myself and I know that won't end well. If this goes on for few more months, I will need to have some therapy. It's extremely difficult for me. I can't stop thinking about her at all. She NEEDS me, I know as much. And I'd be a fool if I thought that I could ever find someone like her again; we are soulmates, that's how she always describes us.

 

So here's my question. Am I right by keeping my distance? Or am I being selfish? This is eating me inside, I'm usually not someone who abandons his loved ones.

 

I'm ready to do all if she gets divorced. I don't mind moving to that 5000 miles away country. I don't mind that she is 10 years older than me (34 and 24). I don't mind exploring the prospects of being together and starting a family in the future and being a part of those 2 kid's lives.

 

 

Please advise me. Thanks a lot.

 

I'm of mixed opinions. If she actually filed for divorce, I do not see anything wrong in starting to date someone and spending time with him/her as long as you are both on the same page and the kids are kept out of it. Divorce can take years with assets and kids and it is unrealistic IMHO to have to wait till its all final to get back out. Of course it is risky, the person can always flip flop, it really would depend on how the person filing for divorce presents themselves. Are they out in the open about it all, are you a secret, etc.

 

That said, I would not uproot myself 5,000 miles unless you really want to explore a different place. 5,000 miles would put me in the middle of the ocean so I am trying to picture where this place would be. But you are 24, if you are not giving up a serious career (ie you are not in the middle of becoming a doctor or something) and not moving to the middle of nowhere (I'm picturing the mountains of Tibet to herd goats), I don't necessarily think its a terrible idea if the destination is a place you would want to be - assuming the relationship does not work out (bc sorry, it probably won't). At 24 a fun city like London or Paris, that would be fun.

 

I would not go jumping in to any relationship with a woman you barely know, kids, age difference. Don't go being a knight in shining armor.

[NTV]

Thanks a lot for replying. Yes, I see your point. It's horrible, for the kids as well as for the father. But this is something that they both agreed on. The kids get to stay the summers with their faher back home and he would be with them for Christmas and all. And they would have access to better education and more opportunities in the new place. Actually he has another woman in his life and that's why this divorce is happening.

 

I agree with you, I'm looking through rose colored glasses. But somehow I can't help it. I don't want to regret things later on, either by letting her go or by staying.

 

Regret is one of the best teachers in life.

 

 

that should be on a coffer mug, lol

 

 

But I don't think that by missing out on a relationship with this lady you will regret it once the emotions fade. In fact, the emotional connection your talking about, the 'in love' feeling is something that you should take the time to really understand and examine. Because it isn't love. Love is something built brick by brick over many years. But when you look around this forum, tv, radio... really a whole bunch of places, you see tons of people mistaking it for love. And lot of the posters here that are in affairs are dealing with that emotion. It's a feeling similar to the feeling of having a crush on someone but on steroids.

 

 

Why's this good to learn? Because when/if you do get married, understanding that the intense physical attraction you're experiencing only lasts about 3 years is important.

 

 

If you're really interested, there's some literature on something called 'limerance', that can probably explain it a whole lot better than I do.

 

 

I hope this helps somehow.

[LunaticLove]

I think for a 24 year old you have the most disciplined character. In your post i read no justification for the emotional affair, no excuses, and no bashing your other woman’s husband.

 

You never tried to take advantage of her in her weakest moments and walked away from her because she could not fully be yours.

 

That you held your own and walked away from a woman who is married, a woman whom you have strong feelings, shows that not only do you respect her you love her. You also respect her husband, her children and you respect yourself. You get it!

 

For that, I doff my hat to you Sir.

 

Even now, you are in torment as to whether you should contact her because she isn’t legally separated.

 

So far, you’ve done very well.

 

Your other woman is going through something painful, divorce is never easy. Does she have family or friends that she can confide in? Or maybe she can join a therapy group.

 

Let her know that you are not abandoning her in darkest hour and encourage her to confide in her friends and family unit. Tell her that you will be there for her once she is a divorced woman and that the reason you cannot go through this with her is because of your conscience; you wouldn’t want it to seem like you were the cause of the break-up of her family.

 

If she as good a woman as you have described and she loves you as much as you say she does, she will understand your reason for staying away….then she can come back to you as a divorced woman.

 

Good luck....

 

 

 

Thank you very much for this wonderful insight. It's just that what I had with her was pure magic, it's like nothing I experienced before. In other circumstances I would have known right there and then that she's the one for me. I thought that if this was to ever somehow work out, I need to do it right. It's my last wish to build my happiness on the ruins of other's. I don't care much about her husband (he's neither the greatest nor the worst husband out there, it's just that he is not right for her and as I have pointed out, he has a new woman in his life), but I deeply care about the kids. I wanted to give that marriage and that family every chance. But she is going through a whole lot and that just pains me.

 

She has family—which has been pushing her for divorce all along as the husband is really mean to them—but quite naturally, she feels more comfortable with me.

 

She understands why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm keeping my distance but then sometimes it gets too much for her.

 

I guess I should keep doing what I'm doing. In the end, this is all to give us, her and I, a real chance in the future.

 

Thanks once more.

[Chica80]

If you love her give her time and space. For yourself as well. In 6 months a year from now you still feel the same then try it.

[Lobe]

If you love her give her time and space. For yourself as well. In 6 months a year from now you still feel the same then try it.

 

Here's my two bits.

 

If she was truly unhappy in her marriage when she started up with you chances are good that you were an "exit" affair and once she gets past the pain of divorce sh will have a very different outlook on life. What she needs right now is not a rebound or crutch but to earn the clarity and independence required to survive with or without you. Like Sunshine said, if it's truly meant to be, when the divorce is settled and she's had some time and distance to sort herself out, you'll be in a much better position to ascertain if it's just limerence and rebounding or if it's a deeper more meaningful relationship. I think the worst thing you could do for both her and yourself would be to re-engage before the ink is dried.

 

Good luck.

[LunaticLove]

I'm of mixed opinions. If she actually filed for divorce, I do not see anything wrong in starting to date someone and spending time with him/her as long as you are both on the same page and the kids are kept out of it. Divorce can take years with assets and kids and it is unrealistic IMHO to have to wait till its all final to get back out. Of course it is risky, the person can always flip flop, it really would depend on how the person filing for divorce presents themselves. Are they out in the open about it all, are you a secret, etc.

 

That said, I would not uproot myself 5,000 miles unless you really want to explore a different place. 5,000 miles would put me in the middle of the ocean so I am trying to picture where this place would be. But you are 24, if you are not giving up a serious career (ie you are not in the middle of becoming a doctor or something) and not moving to the middle of nowhere (I'm picturing the mountains of Tibet to herd goats), I don't necessarily think its a terrible idea if the destination is a place you would want to be - assuming the relationship does not work out (bc sorry, it probably won't). At 24 a fun city like London or Paris, that would be fun.

 

I would not go jumping in to any relationship with a woman you barely know, kids, age difference. Don't go being a knight in shining armor.

 

 

Well, that's something that makes me confused myself. Is it morally right to be with a woman who is separated but still not divorced? I don't really know, I'm still contemplating this. The divorce is going to be lengthy but he's being amicable about it, he doesn't intend to go to battle for the kids, he knows they are better off with their mum. I'm keeping her a secret for now, this thread is first time I ever talked to anyone about this affair.

 

 

Actually you hit it close to home. We are not moving to the Andes or anything, we are moving to London. We both have family in the UK and we are both doctors so we could pick up our careers in the NHS which is something anyone in our profession would be very excited about. It's not like we are making any sacrifices in that regard. However, if that is to happen it will be for different reasons; I would mainly do it to be with her, but she has other significant rationales for this move.

 

Yes, I know that you're right. It'd be a miracle if that ever worked out, but I'm just human, I believe in miracles. Maybe if we do it right, the universe will have mercy on us.

 

I don't claim to know everything about her, but I also know enough about her to know how fantastic she is.

 

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so much relief that I'm finally discussing this with someone else.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, that's something that makes me confused myself. Is it morally right to be with a woman who is separated but still not divorced? I don't really know, I'm still contemplating this. The divorce is going to be lengthy but he's being amicable about it, he doesn't intend to go to battle for the kids, he knows they are better off with their mum. I'm keeping her a secret for now, this thread is first time I ever talked to anyone about this affair.

 

 

Actually you hit it close to home. We are not moving to the Andes or anything, we are moving to London. We both have family in the UK and we are both doctors so we could pick up our careers in the NHS which is something anyone in our profession would be very excited about. It's not like we are making any sacrifices in that regard. However, if that is to happen it will be for different reasons; I would mainly do it to be with her, but she has other significant rationales for this move.

 

Yes, I know that you're right. It'd be a miracle if that ever worked out, but I'm just human, I believe in miracles. Maybe if we do it right, the universe will have mercy on us.

 

I don't claim to know everything about her, but I also know enough about her to know how fantastic she is.

 

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so much relief that I'm finally discussing this with someone else.

 

I am being careful here. I am 20 years older than you so I do not want to accidentally encourage a stranger on the internet to make a major life decision. You are obviously very smitten, will it work out? Who knows, I cannot tell you.

 

If you can work in London and it would not disrupt your career, I do not feel a huge deal in going there and experiencing a new city. I've been there and it's really nice. I moved to a new state with my (now) ex husband. The marriage tanked fast and I had a string of terrible relationships but I stayed here, met my husband and built a life. I have zero regrets about the move.

 

I still stand by my belief to not jump into anything serious because (to me) you are so young and its a ready made family. That is just my opinion. As for if it is morally wrong, it's not like divorced is better from a moral viewpoint. Many people think divorce is morally wrong. So I don't see a difference in divorce versus separated from a religious aspect. People here are more concerned with people who are separated are not in the right place for a relationship. If you are so worried and she gets divorced, she can get an annulment or something. I did.

 

I do not think divorce is morally wrong. xMM wanted a LTA as he felt divorce was morally wrong. Wrap your head around that one.

[LunaticLove]

Regret is one of the best teachers in life.

 

 

that should be on a coffer mug, lol

 

 

But I don't think that by missing out on a relationship with this lady you will regret it once the emotions fade. In fact, the emotional connection your talking about, the 'in love' feeling is something that you should take the time to really understand and examine. Because it isn't love. Love is something built brick by brick over many years. But when you look around this forum, tv, radio... really a whole bunch of places, you see tons of people mistaking it for love. And lot of the posters here that are in affairs are dealing with that emotion. It's a feeling similar to the feeling of having a crush on someone but on steroids.

 

 

Why's this good to learn? Because when/if you do get married, understanding that the intense physical attraction you're experiencing only lasts about 3 years is important.

 

 

If you're really interested, there's some literature on something called 'limerance', that can probably explain it a whole lot better than I do.

 

 

I hope this helps somehow.

 

 

You touched a sore spot. I'm someone who's too hard on myself. I have morbid fear of failing to do the right thing. It's not that I don't have my share of fails and shortcomings, but the only way for me to get over them is to rest in the knowledge that I did everything that I could to avert that outcome. If I leave any stone unturned in this situation with her, I know that I won't forgive myself anytime soon.

 

I totally get you though. Regret is bound to come sooner or later in life and it's best to accept this reality.

 

I'm not too sure if this is love or not, but I plan to find out. I never felt like it before and that makes me baffled. it's like being on cloud 9 when I used to be with her. I also want to stress on the fact that this has nothing to do with physical attraction; it's about 2 people who feel at home and feel safe and feel so much warmth when being together.

 

I will take up your advice and read up more on limerance, I need help to navigate this uncharted territories of human relationships.

 

Thank you very much.

[Lobe]

it's about 2 people who feel at home and feel safe and feel so much warmth when being together

 

Exactly how she felt with her husband when they first got married.

 

Don't be fooled by the feels - they're intense because of the nature of your relationship being illicit and tragic and all those powerful additives that make it feel high-octane and not capable of ever simmering down into the kind of quiet, comfortable, respectful love that develops when limerence dies down and you have to decide if you want to feel like that forever and move on or "settle" for the "boredom" of being committed.

 

You should watch this video: ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

[alwaysgrow]

I agree with an earlier poster, you have great discipline! I know it's hard to pull yourself away from someone who you love. It's admirable that you love her enough to pull away and help her maintain her integrity. My first thought is - if she was willing to cheat on her husband, how will it be any different when she is married to you? Do you want to marry someone who would cheat? Will the next 'innocent friendship' she has be with someone as honest as you? My second thought is about the children. If there is any way she can salvage the marriage, I would encourage her to try. Has she gone to counseling with her husband? You asked if it was morally wrong to date a separated lady. The answer to that depends on what you base your morals on. I am a Christian so I base mine on what the Bible says, and would first always seek reconciliation for the marriage if at all possible. Your last question asked if you were being selfish. No, you are not. I think you are being wise.

[Miss Clavel]

Well, that's something that makes me confused myself. Is it morally right to be with a woman who is separated but still not divorced? I don't really know, I'm still contemplating this. The divorce is going to be lengthy but he's being amicable about it, he doesn't intend to go to battle for the kids, he knows they are better off with their mum. I'm keeping her a secret for now, this thread is first time I ever talked to anyone about this affair.

 

 

Actually you hit it close to home. We are not moving to the Andes or anything, we are moving to London. We both have family in the UK and we are both doctors so we could pick up our careers in the NHS which is something anyone in our profession would be very excited about. It's not like we are making any sacrifices in that regard. However, if that is to happen it will be for different reasons; I would mainly do it to be with her, but she has other significant rationales for this move.

 

Yes, I know that you're right. It'd be a miracle if that ever worked out, but I'm just human, I believe in miracles. Maybe if we do it right, the universe will have mercy on us.

 

I don't claim to know everything about her, but I also know enough about her to know how fantastic she is.

 

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so much relief that I'm finally discussing this with someone else.

 

 

can you talk to her husband? i think that might help. maybe it is a rebound, maybe she justs needs you for the trainsition but really, what have you got to lose.

 

take a leap. move. join her in london.

 

just make sure to wait till she gets settled. we know you want her. make sure she wants you as much, for the long haul.

 

you're a keeper.

 

good luck.

[Beach Guy]

But you are 24, if you are not giving up a serious career (ie you are not in the middle of becoming a doctor or something)

 

Since the OP just joined LS this month and hadn't yet posted anywhere but on this thread: Weird how you guessed the OP was involved in a career as a doctor in Post #5, before the OP revealed it in Post#10:

we are both doctors

You are a MD at 24?

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

 

Good that she's started the separation process. However, I personally would not get involved with a separated woman: chance of getting dragged into court by the husband's attorney to attempt to mar his wife's character.

 

Her emails are very painful (her husband is emotionally abusive) and she begs me to go back to her, she needs support at this hard point in her life.

 

But why doesn't she stay in her current job? Why go 5,000 miles away, if she begs for your support? Seems like if you were worth it enough, she'd stay for you. Both you and she already have jobs and lives right where you are. You mentioned she wanted a good education for her children. If she is a working MD, then maybe she can afford private school tuition and/or personal tutoring for children.

 

Ask her to stay with you there in a relationship with you for the next school year. As the year goes by successfully, then you two can start making plans to move together 5,000 miles away.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Beach Guy

[MidnightBlue1980]

Since the OP just joined LS this month and hadn't yet posted anywhere but on this thread: Weird how you guessed the OP was involved in a career as a doctor in Post #5, before the OP revealed it in Post#10:

You are a MD at 24?

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

 

Good that she's started the separation process. However, I personally would not get involved with a separated woman: chance of getting dragged into court by the husband's attorney to attempt to mar his wife's character.

 

 

 

But why doesn't she stay in her current job? Why go 5,000 miles away, if she begs for your support? Seems like if you were worth it enough, she'd stay for you. Both you and she already have jobs and lives right where you are. You mentioned she wanted a good education for her children. If she is a working MD, then maybe she can afford private school tuition and/or personal tutoring for children.

 

Ask her to stay with you there in a relationship with you for the next school year. As the year goes by successfully, then you two can start making plans to move together 5,000 miles away.

 

Trust me, I do not know the OP. I just picked a doctor as I thought you could not do the same work in another country. It was a coincidence on my end.

 

I thought I read the woman's husband met another woman and was divorcing her, but I could have misread.