How do I let go of this

[Survivedtothriving]

The fact that WSs spouse develops a "develop a genuine disgust for their former APs" does not change the fact that they will still remember that "the sex was the best of their life", and that you as the cheated on spouse will have to deal with that reality for the rest of your marriage.

 

Again, the fact that a WS spouse "regrets it" does not change the fact that they will still remember sex with the affair partner as "hot", and that you as the cheated on spouse will have to deal with that reality for the rest of your marriage.

 

Try, I am really not trying to argue with every post you make.

 

 

I fully believe that sex after an affair will be an extremely hard part of recovery. It was hard for me and sometimes still is an issue.

 

 

I do however, wholeheartedly disagree with the bolded statement above. I feel that you are speaking in absolutes and that every single WS would believe the affair sex was the best of that person's life. Every affair isn't the same. Every outcome is different. Gross generalizations about affair sex isn't reality. Do you have any information resources that I can research about your statement?

 

 

My sex life is currently the best of my life. My wife agrees that now is the best sex she is having as well. Something happened after we started to reconcile and our sex life is so incredible now. We are more connected than ever before, during and after sex. I can feel and see that my wife genuinely enjoys sex with me. She cannot fake what I am seeing and feeling.

 

 

Again, I agree with you that the sex aspect of an affair is a very difficult part to work through.

 

 

My point in this thread is, just because sex was a deal breaker for a relationship elsewhere doesn't mean it has to be a deal breaker for SD63. He may find he can work through it to save his marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

We do have a tendency to talk in absolutes here. I think it's because of the "cheater script" & all the new phrases that I've learnt...rewriting history, gaslighting, trickle truth etc.

 

I have learnt a lot by reading this forum & the OM/OW. I think that there are many different kinds of affairs & many different kinds of marriages. Women seem to be different in affairs. MOW seem so different from MOM.

 

Men may be more motivated (& devastated by PAs) many women appear to have affairs for different reasons. I know many women who will tolerate crap sex if the emotional availability is there. Some men seem to have the Madonna/whore hang-up. It's all so complicated & only the individuals involved know what they can get-over & what haunts them.

 

Many here get frustrated that posters don't follow advise/instructions. I know from experience that many join forums for support, just to know that they're not alone.

 

Something I realized is 'there's no time limit on decisions'. Many have spent their whole lives with their partners. We live in an instant gratification culture. Entertainment goes through a whole story line in 1 hour - advert breaks. Many get frustrated that others aren't making HUGE life changing decisions after 48 hours of advise!!!

 

Is affair sex really the best sex ever??? So a man who comes in 5 seconds suddenly changes with an affair partner? Maybe some women do things they wouldn't normally do, or want to do because they've been fed some line about the vanilla sex, poor deprived MM. I get that the excitement & risk adds to the thrill but REALLY???

 

It ALL sucks when you're the BS. For me the crippling shock lasted so long. I honestly felt like I was loosing my mind. Even once things have calmed down there's so very much to think about & analyze. I believe it SHOULD take time! I'm about 1 year out from reading their messages & knowing the truth. Will our M last or will I file for divorce? I still don't know!

 

It's a HUGE decision that will completely change my life, my children's lives, my grandchildrens lives & on & on. If there's ever a time that it's ok to procrastinate it's after the discovery of adultery!

[Lobe]

Try, I am really not trying to argue with every post you make.

 

 

I fully believe that sex after an affair will be an extremely hard part of recovery. It was hard for me and sometimes still is an issue.

 

 

I do however, wholeheartedly disagree with the bolded statement above. I feel that you are speaking in absolutes and that every single WS would believe the affair sex was the best of that person's life. Every affair isn't the same. Every outcome is different. Gross generalizations about affair sex isn't reality. Do you have any information resources that I can research about your statement?

 

 

My sex life is currently the best of my life. My wife agrees that now is the best sex she is having as well. Something happened after we started to reconcile and our sex life is so incredible now. We are more connected than ever before, during and after sex. I can feel and see that my wife genuinely enjoys sex with me. She cannot fake what I am seeing and feeling.

 

 

Again, I agree with you that the sex aspect of an affair is a very difficult part to work through.

 

 

My point in this thread is, just because sex was a deal breaker for a relationship elsewhere doesn't mean it has to be a deal breaker for SD63. He may find he can work through it to save his marriage.

 

Thank you. The "silver lining" of an affair for those who are invested in R is that you get this weird opportunity to examine your marriage the same way you reflect on someone's life after they die, except death is final and marriages can be resurrected.

 

I also think you need to use a better adjective than the "best" sex. The most skilled and talented lover I ever had was a bisexual man I dated in my late teens. The least compatible sex partner for me was my first husband. The kinkiest sex WH ever had was with the xOW and I'm sure my husband would tell you that there are other women he slept with who were more flexible/skinny/fat/shy/dirty/aggressive/boring than I am.

 

Read around the boards here and you'll see that the sex was intense because it was illicit, and that even when the sex was on par or worse than with the BS, it was the thrill of doing something they knew was wrong and the way the AP made the WS feel and not the sex itself that was addictive. I read just today where a MM says his AP was a worse lover and was less physically attractive and a little bit slutty so he felt like he could degrade her in ways he never would his wife, who he thought of as too proper.

 

I don't think SD needs to have some completely over-generalized statement thrown at him that is certainly not the truth for every affair, and certainly not what I'm experiencing in my R.

 

SD, work through your anger, don't fixate on anything right now other than making sure you get all the information you need to make decisions. Make your wife read the Linda McDonald book, talk as much as you feel comfortable, try and temper your rage with compassion and look deeper at your relationship to identify how and why the time and space for an affair was created. Letting people whip you into a frenzy with sensationalist generalities will only make you crazy.

 

Is there anything specific you are struggling with or wondering about the most that we can give you insight or personal experiences with?

[Try]

Try, I am really not trying to argue with every post you make.

Feel free to disagree with me. I do not mind at all or take offense at you posts because you argue using intellect and not rudeness and do not make into a personal attack. Stay the course.

 

I do however, wholeheartedly disagree with the bolded statement above. I feel that you are speaking in absolutes and that every single WS would believe the affair sex was the best of that person's life. Every affair isn't the same. Every outcome is different. Gross generalizations about affair sex isn't reality.

Please note that the text that you put in bold was put in quotes by me because it was actually stated by the person that I was responding to (Lobe). I often quote someone that I disagree with in responding to them, so as to avoid having to debate that part of the discussion. Had he used different wording, I would have quoted that.

 

Reread what I said in that light and you will see that the main point that I was making was that a WS's "genuine disgust for their former" AP, and the fact that "he regrets it", does not change how affair sex will be remembered by the cheating spouse for the rest of the marriage.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Try

[Wade Lamare]

So SD, having weathered the initial storm of emotion and anger how are you holding up?

Have you had a chance to sit back and think about what you want to do?

 

It's all very well people telling you to divorce the b***h, kick her to the curb or even give you advice on reconciling but in many respects it is pointless until you have decided what you want to do.

[sd63]

We went to couples counselling last night. She is distraught, but we both want to make a go of this. I am virtually permanently angry, it's taking every bit of inner strength not to beat the creature to a ulp for what he's done. I am devastated that every aspect of our intimate life has been given away to someone else and at times I'm really struggling to stop the mind movies playing endlessly.

 

I've told her that any future plans are on hold, including holidays as I don't honestly know whether we'll still be together in a year's time. I'm prepared to work at this as there are some anger issues I need to work on and also my tendency to 'hold on' to grudges and my bitterness at 'slights' towards me. She's going to IC tonight to try and get to the bottom of what lead to this. I' currently on a rollercoaster of emotions, loving her one minute, hating what she's done and wanting to hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt me the next, cold and distant one minute and crying my eyes out the next then wanting to hug her and tell her everything's going to be ok.

 

I have some rather 'skilled' ex-colleagues who, when the dust has settled on this and he thinks it's a dim and distant memory, will be paying him a visit and delivering a rather large dose of karma.

[Survivedtothriving]

We went to couples counselling last night. She is distraught, but we both want to make a go of this. I am virtually permanently angry, it's taking every bit of inner strength not to beat the creature to a ulp for what he's done. I am devastated that every aspect of our intimate life has been given away to someone else and at times I'm really struggling to stop the mind movies playing endlessly.

 

I've told her that any future plans are on hold, including holidays as I don't honestly know whether we'll still be together in a year's time. I'm prepared to work at this as there are some anger issues I need to work on and also my tendency to 'hold on' to grudges and my bitterness at 'slights' towards me. She's going to IC tonight to try and get to the bottom of what lead to this. I' currently on a rollercoaster of emotions, loving her one minute, hating what she's done and wanting to hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt me the next, cold and distant one minute and crying my eyes out the next then wanting to hug her and tell her everything's going to be ok.

 

I have some rather 'skilled' ex-colleagues who, when the dust has settled on this and he thinks it's a dim and distant memory, will be paying him a visit and delivering a rather large dose of karma.

 

 

The good news is, you don't have to make any major decisions right now. Take your time, use the counseling, figure out what's best for you.

 

 

Be careful with the anger. It can get you into a lot of trouble that will only complicate your situation.

 

 

I hate to say this, but the OM is only 50% of the affair. Your wife is the other 50%. She wanted the affair too, so you can only blame him so much. Hurting him isn't going to change anything. Having someone hurt him on your behalf is also not going to solve anything. Plus, you are discussing hurting him on a open and public forum that everyone has access to...

Edited August 11, 2016 by Survivedtothriving

[Wade Lamare]

The "emotional rollercoaster' that you are on is quite normal given your situation, take a chance to do some reading on this site and others on how to deal with it.

I would hazard a guess that you aren't sleeping much at the moment as your mind tries to make sense of the tornado of emotions you are feeling. If so, it might be an idea to see your quack and ask for some help with sleep. Most docs are used to scenarios such as this and they may be able to prescribe something to take the edge off. Making life changing decisions from a platform of sleeplessness, anger and grief is probably not a good idea.

 

And agree with Surviving, leave the OM alone now. You've warned him off and exposed to his wife and GF.

Apart from monitoring for a while you should have nothing to do with him. Your wife made vows to you, not him. He only took what was available.

Remember, all she had to say was "sorry, I'm married" and this wouldn't be happening.

So you've got friends. What if he has friends? And I don't care how tough your friends are no one is tougher than a bullet in the head.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Wade Lamare

[getsmartie]

 

 

I hate to say this, but the OM is only 50% of the affair. Your wife is the other 50%. She wanted the affair too, so you can only blame him so much. Hurting him isn't going to change anything. Having someone hurt him on your behalf is also not going to solve anything. Plus, you are discussing hurting him on a open and public forum that everyone has access to...

 

I agree about watching the anger but disagree about the OM being 50% to blame. The OP's wife is 100% to blame. Look we all from time to time have potential opportunities to cheat on our partners. It's called boundaries and OP's wife didn't have any. The OM is not the one who made vows to OP and therefore the blame falls squarely on her shoulders.

 

In the past 2 years I've had a few men ask me out...no wedding ring on my finger and therefore they thought I was available. Even though I'm not married I am committed to my boyfriend. Point being is people in marriages or relationships need to put up boundaries.

[Just a Guy]

Hi SD, I re read your OP and ofcourse I have read all your subsequent posts including those of others. I have been browsing around this sub forum including some of the other ones for a few years now and the feeling I am getting is that your marriage is irrecoverable. I dare say you may be able to reconcile with your cheating wife but it will be a false reconciliation and she comes across as someone who would not hesitate to stab you in the back a few years down the line. She does not really appear to be remorseful and is only sorry that she got caught and stands to lose the comfortable life she has been leading with you as the reliable and dependable back up guy who will always be there to pick up after her. I am more or less convinced after reading your posts, that she does not love you and will be prepared to ditch you the moment she is able to hook a reliable partner

It would be much better for you to cut ties with her now and after you have recovered your equilibrium, to look out for a lady( Note the word LADY ) who will complement you in every way and most important of all, love you with her heart and soul. I really do not know how long you have been married or whether there are children involved. Whatever be the case, you would be well served by making a clean break with this woman who thought nothing of stabbing you in the back so grievously. Have a Happy Life.

[BluesPower]

First it would be nice if you could edit you post and put a line break between the paragraphs to make it easier to read.

 

I am so sorry to tell you so bluntly, and I know that you want to believe her but you cant. Here is the deal, she has been screwing him for a long time.

 

Please don't be so stupid to believe anything that she has said. You will learn that it is called trickle truth. The cheater lies and lies and lets out the truth gradually thinking that at some point she won't have to admit that she has been screwing another man.

 

Their stories matched because she told him what to say.

 

Please let us know how you are doing. Good luck.

 

I know that you are reeling over this but it is time to wake up.

 

EDIT, I see that you are starting to understand the truth. Glad. I just read through all 5 pages.

 

Listen, the pain that you are feeling will subside over time. It sucks that you have to endure it and that she is the one that caused it. Like many have said, you don't have to make a decision right now. The mind movies, like the pain will subside over time. Most every one here has had them.

 

Understand that, YOU ARE NOT THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE. This is totally on her. She has to work on this, and she has to fixit to your satisfaction.

 

I don't know what you both earn, but think about it this way: What is more important, You and your marriage, or you wife's job where she has, and hopefully not still, been screwing this guy? I am guessing that it may be the marriage. If she has not already, she needs to find a new job, bottom line. There is no way that you can trust her while she is still working there. It will be hard to trust anyway, but it is impossible while they work at the same place.

 

 

Don't be too quick to try and forgive, I bet you "STILL" don't know everything. You have to lose the rage, try to meditate. Listen I almost killed the gut that slept with my wife and it did no good for me. It will do no good for you.

 

And really, I is at least 50% her fault like many have said. She did not have to screw him and cheat. SHE CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH HIM. She choose to betray you.

 

And you also have to tell this guys GF, she may not be happy about the situation either, it is OK to F*** up his life, just not his person. Telling the wife and GF will make it harder for him to screw your wife.

 

Man, hang in there. Whatever happens, none of it is your fault in any way, remember that. We have all been through this and almost everyone sounds like a normal, crazy person.

 

Keep posting.

Edited August 11, 2016 by BluesPower

[Lobe]

SD, right after my A I directed a lot (most) of my anger towards the xOW. I was pretty much obsessed with her and because she introduced my husband to choking, fisting, and being slapped (things I don't frown upon but am not interested in doing) the mind movies were a f*cking nightmare. I wanted to destroy her life but she quickly showed me that she was crazier than I was and so I left her enough rope to hang herself. My husband feels remorse for the affair but has an added layer of regret over her stalking and harassing me for over a year after the A ended.

 

You've said that her MM's wife told you he has left her to move in with a girlfriend? Leave it at that. I realize the rage is making you want to go hurt this man but it was in fact your wife who decided to accept his advances (or made them first) so any action you take against this man ends badly and won't be nearly as satisfying as psychological warfare.

 

It's good your wife is in counselling - she has a LOT of work to do. I want to prepare you for what might be on the horizon, though. She's going to first have to unravel the affair fog, after which the real underlying issues of the affair will start to surface, which is where the marriage breakdown will start becoming apparent, because it takes one person to have an affair but two people to fix a marriage.

 

As the betrayed, you had NOTHING to do with her affair. That decision was entirely on her head and you should not assume any responsibility for her actions. You did not drive her into the arms of another man. However, unless she is truly a selfish narcissistic serial cheater who stepped out on her vows for no reason other than getting her thrills, chances are good she's going to come back expressing things about the marriage that she was dissatisfied with, things she ought to have told YOU but instead went to her f-boy to resolve. At no point should you allow her to blame you for the affair BUT you are going to have to learn to communicate. You might already have an idea about what things were not "perfect" between you and that's a good place to start.

 

Anger is hard to get past. It prevents you from being able to listen instead of just hear what people say. We tend to block it out to protect ourselves and don't really receive the true message. I'm glad to hear you're getting some help with your anger because it could present a HUGE stumbling block for you.

 

Men tend to have a more difficult time getting in touch with their empathy - there's a lot of macho posturing and ego to get past - but I'm going to suggest that instead of focussing on your hatred for the OM, you pretend it's your BFF who is about to have an affair and you're giving him advice, based on what you are feeling right now. Tell him how much of an assh*le he is being, tell him how hurt you would be, how betrayed and angry, how it would change the way the husband he was f*cking over views his wife forever. Let him know that he risks getting his ass kicked by the angry husband and that he's just asking for a world of hurt. And if, in your exploration of the matter, you discover that you would probably turn a blind eye or pat your BFF on his back for getting a piece on the side, then that's a bit of enlightenment right there on its own.

 

I wrote my advice out to the xOW as a letter and it was a HUGE step towards me identifying what I was most hurt about and also allowed me to stop hating her and focus my emotional energy and attention where it needed to be: on my wayward husband. Stop thinking about the OM. Push it out of your mind every time it comes in or you will build up so much resentment towards your wife that you'll never come back from it.

 

Peace and strength to you.

[aliveagain]

We went to couples counselling last night. She is distraught, but we both want to make a go of this. I am virtually permanently angry, it's taking every bit of inner strength not to beat the creature to a ulp for what he's done. I am devastated that every aspect of our intimate life has been given away to someone else and at times I'm really struggling to stop the mind movies playing endlessly.

 

I've told her that any future plans are on hold, including holidays as I don't honestly know whether we'll still be together in a year's time. I'm prepared to work at this as there are some anger issues I need to work on and also my tendency to 'hold on' to grudges and my bitterness at 'slights' towards me. She's going to IC tonight to try and get to the bottom of what lead to this. I' currently on a rollercoaster of emotions, loving her one minute, hating what she's done and wanting to hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt me the next, cold and distant one minute and crying my eyes out the next then wanting to hug her and tell her everything's going to be ok.

 

I have some rather 'skilled' ex-colleagues who, when the dust has settled on this and he thinks it's a dim and distant memory, will be paying him a visit and delivering a rather large dose of karma.

 

Friend, your focusing your anger in the wrong place. The POS is only an available penis, your wife is the one that was in control of an affair happening. All she had to do was shut him down, this was no one night stand and affairs take a lot of planning, planning with the other man against you. Your issue is your wife. She is supposed to have your back when your not there to do it yourself. The hardest thing for you will be dealing with the imbalance that the affair has created. She gave everything sacred to you away to a POS. She put you at risk, destroyed your trust and tainted what you hold so dear. Once you kill "The Special" in your marriage, what do you really have left? The other man is not the problem, your wife is, that is where you need to start. Can you live with the imbalance, can you move on with her knowing there will always be a white elephant in the room?

Edited August 11, 2016 by aliveagain

[drifter777]

We went to couples counselling last night. She is distraught, but we both want to make a go of this. I am virtually permanently angry, it's taking every bit of inner strength not to beat the creature to a ulp for what he's done. I am devastated that every aspect of our intimate life has been given away to someone else and at times I'm really struggling to stop the mind movies playing endlessly.

 

I've told her that any future plans are on hold, including holidays as I don't honestly know whether we'll still be together in a year's time. I'm prepared to work at this as there are some anger issues I need to work on and also my tendency to 'hold on' to grudges and my bitterness at 'slights' towards me. She's going to IC tonight to try and get to the bottom of what lead to this. I' currently on a rollercoaster of emotions, loving her one minute, hating what she's done and wanting to hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt me the next, cold and distant one minute and crying my eyes out the next then wanting to hug her and tell her everything's going to be ok.

 

I have some rather 'skilled' ex-colleagues who, when the dust has settled on this and he thinks it's a dim and distant memory, will be paying him a visit and delivering a rather large dose of karma.

It's much easier to blame the other man than to see the reality that your wife picked this guy to invest her emotional and sexual energy in. His crime? He just didn't turn down easy, no-strings sex. Make no mistake, this is all on your wife.

 

I understand what you are doing even if you don't want to hear it. Nearly all betrayed husbands start out blaming the other man for a while and then start making excuses for her like "she was vulnerable because our marriage wasn't perfect" and on and on. Things will happen over the next few weeks that will convince you to finally face the truth. The main issue will be finding out just how much she lied to you about her affair. The intensity, length of time, frequency of sexual rendezvous, just if/when her contact with him truly ended .... all of these are the kinds of things WW's lie about all the time.

 

It's all too raw for you right now. You are stunned and emotionally disoriented and in no condition to make any decisions. Forget about couples counseling right now - you need the support you will get in IC. Forget about your wife's IC - it will take years for her to "fix" herself and, probably, she never will be able to even understand why she needs the attention and adoration of other men. For now just hold on and think about getting help for yourself. We can give you support based on each of our personal experiences - and I hope this can give you some measure of solace - but you need help from a professional right now.

[Cephalopod]

Why are you directing your anger at the OP? He didn't promise to love you and be yours exclusively. He did not make vows to you on your wedding day. Your WW did. She wanted the affair as much as the OM did, and she is most likely the one who did the pursuing. The OM is a player, your WW is an idiot who fell for it.

 

Your WW is the one who you need to channel your anger and disgust towards.

 

Filing for divorce and then making her work to change your mind will be the best medicine you can take for yourself. It will also be the litmus test to determine if she really wants to be married to you. If she does, she will move heaven and earth to earn your trust and love again and prove to you she is worth giving a second chance to.

 

File for divorce and then let her convince you to stop it.

[Lobe]

From experience, yes:

 

Forget about couples counseling right now - you need the support you will get in IC.

 

From experience, yes:

 

File for divorce and then let her convince you to stop it.

[BluesPower]

Just say hi if nothing has changed, we just want to know that you are OK.

[sd63]

Here's the situation. I have had the truth...I have phone tracking results, emails, FB messages. She has 'fessed up and I sent her away to her folks so I could deal with this. She wants to make this work. She is in IC to dig up why this happened, I am in IC to process this and work on the evil, vindictive streak that manifests itself in me when things like this happen. I appreciate all the advice and comments, but ultimately, I have spent seven years with her, married for three and the girl who did this, is not the girl I married. She needs to explore what led her down this path and, in reality, these last three months are a small fragment of the time we have spent together and an even smaller fragment of the rest of our lives. The POS will get nothing out of this. I refuse to let this subhuman take anything of my life. If I can find a (legal) way to completely destroy his life...then he will get what will be coming. We are also in couples counselling to work through this. I am under no illusion that this will be a long, sometimes difficult time ahead, but I'm not giving up on this. If it ever happens again, well.... you can all say 'we told you so'......

[road]

Being separated makes it impossible to recover your marriage.

 

 

Being mad at a WW's affair is normal for the BH, but to not control his anger is wrong.

 

 

Letting the WW know that she has her BH mad is normal. You have no control and that is not good.

 

 

Your posts indicate you can not control your behavior. In a way your lack of control is similar to your WW having lack of control with her OM.

[Wade Lamare]

Here's the situation. I have had the truth...I have phone tracking results, emails, FB messages. She has 'fessed up and I sent her away to her folks so I could deal with this. She wants to make this work. She is in IC to dig up why this happened, I am in IC to process this and work on the evil, vindictive streak that manifests itself in me when things like this happen. I appreciate all the advice and comments, but ultimately, I have spent seven years with her, married for three and the girl who did this, is not the girl I married. She needs to explore what led her down this path and, in reality, these last three months are a small fragment of the time we have spent together and an even smaller fragment of the rest of our lives. The POS will get nothing out of this. I refuse to let this subhuman take anything of my life. If I can find a (legal) way to completely destroy his life...then he will get what will be coming. We are also in couples counselling to work through this. I am under no illusion that this will be a long, sometimes difficult time ahead, but I'm not giving up on this. If it ever happens again, well.... you can all say 'we told you so'......

 

Ok, good.

 

We all know where you stand. You would at least like to take a crack at reconciling.

No "I told you so" from me if it doesn't work out. If you and your wife give it your best try and it doesn't work out then at least you know you gave it your all, but in your case it wasn't recoverable. You can't ask for anything more than that.

 

Good work on the counselling, an excellent first step. As far as the anger thing goes, while I'm not trying to downplay it, as it obviously does need addressing, I would look on that as secondary to the affair.

The choice to have an affair was 100% your wife's choice and the why and how she got to that point have to be examined first.

Things such as your vindictiveness/anger issues would, to me, come under the 50% of the marriage problems which are yours.

If your wife is human she isn't perfect and I'm sure she carries 50% of the blame for any of the problems in your marriage too.

The only difference is that you, although experiencing problems in your marriage, didn't go off and play Mr Wobbly Hides his Helmet with some available woman in your office.

 

First of all I would try to make sure you have the whole truth. One of the most damaging shocks to any reconciliation is being subjected to trickle truth. For many people the betrayal is bad enough but the subsequent lies and eventual trickle truth are the final nail in the coffin. It might be worth showing your wife Josephs Letter.

 

I honestly think that if they are working together reconciliation is extremely difficult. Ideally one or the other should leave. At the very least they need to be separated. If they are working together it will be a constant concern for you. For them they will find it very difficult as seeing each other every day makes it hard to have a clean break.

 

It can take many couples several years to heal to the point where they can function normally and your wife has to understand that this will not be fixed in a month. She has some hard, hard grafting to do and she has to be absolutely sure she is up for it. No "can't you get over it already" nonsense.

[Wade Lamare]

If you look at the top of the forum there is a thread "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know"

 

Print off the section headed 'Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.' and give it to her. Although not everything may apply to you it gives her a good idea as to what is expected.

 

If she balks at that there is no point in continuing.

[Mr. Lucky]

The POS will get nothing out of this. I refuse to let this subhuman take anything of my life. If I can find a (legal) way to completely destroy his life...then he will get what will be coming.

 

Others have already pointed out the contradiction between forgiving your WS and destroying the OM's life.

 

Of the two affair participants, only one vowed to love and honor you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OneLov]

but ultimately, I have spent seven years with her, married for three and the girl who did this, is not the girl I married. She needs to explore what led her down this path and, in reality, these last three months are a small fragment of the time we have spent together and an even smaller fragment of the rest of our lives. The POS will get nothing out of this. I refuse to let this subhuman take anything of my life. If I can find a (legal) way to completely destroy his life...then he will get what will be coming.

 

Unfortunately, she's the same person she was seven years ago. This person made a choice to take a path. At, minimum, she exercised bad judgment and followed; no one led her.

 

The problem with thinking he is "taking" implies she is a possession without the ability to think or make rational decisions.

 

You're also communicating you will tolerate disrespect from your wife but not a complete stranger? What does that say? I'm not saying you should tolerate disrespect, but why would you communicate that to her? And by focusing all on him that is what you're communicating to her.

 

Do you see your wife as an independent person or just an extension of yourself? I am trying to understand why you feel like her AP is directly attacking you?

Edited August 12, 2016 by OneLov

[drifter777]

Here's the situation. I have had the truth...I have phone tracking results, emails, FB messages. She has 'fessed up and I sent her away to her folks so I could deal with this. She wants to make this work. She is in IC to dig up why this happened, I am in IC to process this and work on the evil, vindictive streak that manifests itself in me when things like this happen. I appreciate all the advice and comments, but ultimately, I have spent seven years with her, married for three and the girl who did this, is not the girl I married. She needs to explore what led her down this path and, in reality, these last three months are a small fragment of the time we have spent together and an even smaller fragment of the rest of our lives. The POS will get nothing out of this. I refuse to let this subhuman take anything of my life. If I can find a (legal) way to completely destroy his life...then he will get what will be coming. We are also in couples counselling to work through this. I am under no illusion that this will be a long, sometimes difficult time ahead, but I'm not giving up on this. If it ever happens again, well.... you can all say 'we told you so'......

Every single point you make - every one - is as typical and predictable as the sun rising in the east. Good luck.

 

For the record, the girl who did this is exactly the girl you married. You were then and are now simply unable to see this.

[Buckeye2]

They would hang horse thieves in the old West. They did nothing to the horse because it was a dumb animal and had nothing to say in the matter. Do you see where I’m going?