Husband Not Realizing he's in an Emotional Affair & Separation Concerns. Wondering if

[Complacency]

So to give some background here: *my husband and I have been together for 7 years and been married for 4. We have a pretty good life, good jobs, decent money. He's a police officer which I admire greatly and I'm a 911 dispatcher and we met before we were even in law enforcement.*

 

In the first few years of our relationship we were trying to better ourselves, I wanted to finish my bachelors degree and he wanted to go to the police academy. I took a year off of work and so did he, we were both willing to help each other out to achieve our goals while the other pursued theirs.

 

Times were good back then and we supported and were compassionate to one another. He was very cuddly and liked being close to me and taking me to dinner or on one day trips a few times a year. He was also sexual and enjoyed being intimate with me and having sex multiple times a week, sometimes once a day for probably 2-3 years.

 

Since getting out of the academy 3 years ago he's had around 5 or more different police jobs with different departments, always keeping at least 2 for commission reasons or because he missed the road, community policing or some other aspect of the other job he had left. He constantly searches for better police opportunities.*

 

I started working full time as a dispatcher for a huge area with 17 plus cities in high crime rate areas. We are both very busy.*

 

So after we both got our higher paying and for established for 2 years in them, that's when my husband starting not really wanting to compromise. The first thing that angered him was that our dogs had puppies. I told him I would love puppies again (we'd only had one litter before) but if it didn't happen then oh well.*

 

I realize that having puppies is a big responsibility and that since we aren't professional breeders it's not always a good idea and there are plenty of puppies in the world etc, but we have German shepherds and a lot of officer friends wanted puppies. So then our female gets pregnant and my husband blames me and says it's my fault bec I didn't separate them enough when we both worked and the dogs hopped the indoor fence to get to each other. So it then went crazy from there because our dog had puppies and I had planned on going a year before on vacation to see my family I never see. I have to take off time at work and worked hard to get enough hours to go and arrangements were already made. So he gets upset I'm leaving bec of the puppies and I can understand that but his mom offered to help every day since she doesn't work and so did my mom and his grandma so I felt it was ok. Which I can see was selfish but I just needed a break. So while I'm on vacation he proceeds to call me and tell me how stressed he is and that he also just found out his uncle isn't taking care of a dog he owns and that we are in fact going to take the dog in when we already had two and a litter of puppies. I say that I don't want another *dog when we have enough and we needed to make sure we spent our money on spaying and neutering them both after this so it wouldn't happen again.*

 

He says that it doesn't matter and the dog needs help and that we are taking her in. I said I don't mind giving her a temporary home but I thought we had enough going on and it wasn't a good idea when he doesn't clean up after the dogs in the house either. I said well keep her until we can find her a good home and he said that no, I was heartless and we have to keep her it's our responsibility. Then his mom started texting me telling me how beautiful the dog was and the reasons we should keep her. *I felt like both of us were wrong in things we said to each other and it was all a huge ordeal and I shouldn't have left him home with the puppies and cancelled my vacation. When I got home he didn't hug me or say welcome back and I just quietly made sure the puppies were ok for the rest of the time we had them, fed them and changed papers. I knew we should never go through that again and that it was selfish of me to want puppies. But I felt that my side of the other dog staying with us was just not going anywhere and so she stayed with us & I just got used to it.*

 

The next big thing was that I wanted to make improvements to the house and try to make a list of to dos to sell it one day because the basement had flooded from old pipes the year before and cost a ton of money to replace and the fact that I just felt with our jobs we could sell and get better and something that wasn't falling apart because it's an older home. I moved in with my husband to a house he already owned. He started saying I didn't appreciate the house and that we weren't going to try to sell because it wouldn't pass inspection bec his mom sold him the house as a realtor and she knows it won't. I'd ask reasons why and then she would say siding and Windows needed redone. So before planning on getting a home improvement loan I decided to call around to realtors and window people and siding to get an idea of what we needed to do. He said I went behind his back even though I told him the day after I called. But I can see what he means there I guess I should have told him beforehand but I really didn't see why it was a big deal. He said that I should just trust him and his mom because they know what they are doing and I told him I'd prefer if his mom wasn't our realtor and didn't want to mix business and family and he told me that it would kill his mom not to be our realtor and I just let it go. I ask if we can at least try putting a sign in the yard and selling bec I talked to a few other realtors and they saw the house and said it was in good shape and the new plumbing would help. He said we can't sell now and to stop asking when I know the reason why. We ended up getting a loan to fix the siding and Windows and I just feel uncomfortable bec I felt he wouldn't try selling but maybe I don't even know. I just never felt the house was ours together and only his and wanted to start fresh in an apartment or just somewhere else to get out of a house that kept having leaks and furnace issues and the floor boards and ceiling is cracking. I just felt for us with our jobs it was too much maintenance, especially since I'm the one who cleans and buys groceries and does most of the laundry, I felt I should be able to live in an easier house to maintain. But maybe that's not fair. I don't know.

 

 

 

His job has rotating days off and mine has fixed. His rotate to weekends off one month to week days off the next, so basically I feel that I only see him on weekends because we are night shifters and have to sleep in the day and our shifts conflict a bit with him on 12s and I'm on 8s or 12s or 16s depending on overtime.*

 

So we already know our jobs are high stress and it can change our demeanors at times. Since becoming a police officer he has been through a lot and he was never very good at dealing with them/tends to suppress things and get angry much later. Including him being distant and unemotional and pushed me away after one year of being an officer. It's now been 3 years and after our first initial argument he told me all the things he was keeping from me that he now thought about me.*

 

For a year before this argument he told me he didn't want to be around people or me as much, that he deals with too much at work. And he doesn't know how to handle emotions any more and isn't a person. Said he didn't really enjoy sex or cuddling because again it meant touching.*

 

He wanted me to let him play his video games upstairs and leave him alone. When I asked to see him on weekends because I don't see Him in the week, he would say I wouldn't give him enough time to unwind and needed to give him more space.*

 

So I started giving him space and let him play his games because I understood he has stress and wasn't sure how to deal with it. When I'd ask him to come down to spend some time with me to watch tv or just talk hed say is make him feel guilty that he was on a time limit for how many hours he could play. I told him it would just be nice to see him for 5 hours each on the weekend *but he said that he again didn't like the time constraint.*

 

There was a day I asked him to go on a car ride with me during Christmas to go see Christmas lights while my girl friend drove. He said it was too cold. I said could you just do this for me please? I want to enjoy the time of year and plus my friend already has her car warmed up. He then came along and made she he griped *about it and texted a friend instead of just talking with us, the whole ordeal lasted 30 mins and he went home to play his games.*

 

 

So after almost a year of him telling me no to cuddling and no to going places like festivals or *an occasional walk outside, he tells me one night how unhappy he is with me that I don't give him space and how he feels "I'm going to leave him and divorce him so he was pushing me away because of it" and also says "I thought I might find you in bed with someone because I know you're sexual and I'm not"

So I asked why he'd think that because I only want to spend time with him, don't have guy friends I hang with and I was just very confused why that'd pop into his mind. He said again because you're sexual and in not and I wouldn't have blamed you if you did...at this point I realize he's probably depressed or suffering PTSD from dead bodies at work and trying to save a guy from cpr that didn't make it. I know it hits him hard and I tell him I want to be there for him but he says he just doesn't know what he wants anymore and feels he has to be on high alert *everywhere he goes to make sure we are safe and no one has weapons. Which I said I understood but that he was no longer enjoying life and it may be a good idea for us to do marriage counseling or have separate counseling for our individual issues. He didn't agree and said I could go if I wanted, which I now am.

 

 

But my mom was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at this time too and I told him I needed support and cuddling and affection and most nights he would let me cry and lay his arm out for me to cuddle but he was very limp. I told him I'd like more but I know he hates touching more now. He says he's trying and doesn't always feel like kissing either but he'll do what he can. I tell him I wish there was more or would pull him closer but he wouldn't respond much.

 

 

I just wonder if it's our communication or what exactly it is, I try to think of him before I do things but I don't appreciate him undermining my decisions or not thinking of my side.*

 

Other instances include him telling me the place I got my oil change was too much money and I should have gone to the cheaper place he told me, and I should have not waited 3 weeks to get my crack in my windshield fixed on my car when I had work and had to find a cheaper place because I knew that concerned him. So I got it fixed on my own and he says that "sometimes I think you wait too long to fix things and just wait until they get worse" which I get because cracks get bigger and it's dangerous etc. he says it's because he cares and has been around the block a few times, and I should trust his judgement. which I know he does care and it's something guys sometimes do to show they care by suggesting things to help but I feel he doesn't think I can do anything right on my own. I'll tell him this calmly and he just says I know but I'm just trying to help and you shouldn't ask for my help if you're not going to take my advice.*

 

 

He also has anxiety where after we have sex he will ask me if I put on my birth control patch correctly. I'll tell him yes but it bothers me because it ruins the moment when we do actually have sex. We both don't want kids but help say hurtful things like I am just worried I don't want to bring a life into this world when we are rocky and also I don't think we'd have the same views on raising the child and we would just fight. I tell him I think we'd make it work and compromise if I did get pregnant somehow even with condoms and the patch but he just acts like I should understand why he asks after each time.

 

He had actually been assaulted a few weeks ago at work by a patient and knocked out and it really scared me. He came home to tell me about it while I was asleep and turned on the light and I looked at him confused because I was half asleep. In the "morning" more like 5pm or so we talked and I told him I was glad he was ok and I'm so sorry he dealt with that. He tells me he's ok and he's glad his coworkers helped and that they gave him a CT scan and everything was ok. He just wanted everyone to stop asking. So I tell him I need a hug and hold him close while he stares off into space.

 

The next few weeks he starts acting weird and going out with a bunch of coworkers which isn't like him since he says he hates people but hey, I get it. I don't mind him going out with groups or guy friends and occasional girl coworkers every once in awhile.*

 

I try to leave him alone about asking a out the assault because he kept mentioning out loud how he hated people like his mom asking and didn't want to relive it. So I stopped asking. But he then tells me a month later that I disappointed him and I should have shown care more. I thought I had but was also trying to give space that I'm used to him wanting and I felt he was asking for. He still didn't want to be intimate or cuddle then.*

 

 

And now the final straw has been him hanging with a coworker who he became friends with a few months ago. He says he realizes from the assault that he could die any moment and to hang on to friends he has. He started taking to her for an hour every other day on the phone and one day drove around the block twice before coming inside (I happened to be grocery shopping and came home behind him)

 

I ask who he was on the phone with and he said Susan. I say why'd you go around the block a couple times to talk? He says he knew I'd get mad. I said well it's ok to talk but seems like you're hiding it from me. He says he didn't want her to cut off her story of how a guy was stalking her and that'd be rude

 

 

So I proceed to get more uncomfortable the next few days over him calling her and going to get house and saying they tried new food together when he always says some excuse not to go anywhere new with me, unless it's food.*

 

I ask him if he could please stop seeing her as much for a month just so we could take a step back and try to focus on our marriage more and he says that I'm controlling him and he's allowed to have friends and that I should trust him bec he's never given me a reason not to.*

 

I get upset and go to bed. He then wakes me up and says he has a question and wants to know if it's ok if he goes shooting with her. I say I'm not ok with it and we just had a convo about that. He says well it's in the day and not night and I won't go to her house so it's ok and she needs help staying away from a stalker. I said I'm still not comfortable but I can see you don't see my side. So he goes and takes pics of her smiling and shooting a gun and it just makes my heart hurt. She tells him how much fun he had and how she hopes he slept ok in a text to him. Nothing sexual but to me emotional.*

 

 

I explain again the next day that their relationship developed fast and don't like how he defends it and goes out with her and not me. He says he takes *me out to eat. Soo I say I'd like a one day vacation or I'd like to just try being nice for a day to each other and compliment each other etc. he says he gets no vacation time at work and has to use it to get more police jobs. (He has to take sick days as vacation days too, he is limited) but I tell him we have weekends occasionally. He just shrugs it off.*

 

He tells me he texted Susan and told her I was jealous or something and I told him I didn't like that. He told me I made it awkward for him at work and I told him if she's really your friend you can make it through a month without contact. And also asks me if "I'd be ok if he slept with me before he saw the girl coworkers" bec he knows sex makes me feel better. I tell him that hurts me But he just says well I won't text or see her as much ok?

 

He also says calling him shady about driving around the block to talk to her hurts him.*

 

So I'm still angry and the next few days I tell him calmly maybe I should stay at my moms and we should try separation

 

He says maybe and we talk and he's very calm and we discuss our issues (once again, that's basically all we do on weekends together every other month and go out to eat) and just starts to get sad and starts getting emotional and holds me close like he hasn't done in years, then asks why does our problems seem ok right now and why is he not mad at me right now for some of our issues? I say I don't know bec for some reason I'm okay too, for only that night. We have sex where he asks me before hand if "this changes anything bec he doesn't want to give me false hope" and I say I know sex doesn't change anything..I just want this moment

 

 

Sooo in the morning I am up and he's still being lovey pulling me closer while sleeping which again is not normal. I tell him it's nice but not something I'm used to from him and think it seems strange he's doing it now I'm about to leave.

 

And that's where I am today. I know the dynamic isn't healthy but I can't really figure out what ways exactly.*The counselor says he isn't working on his side and my other counselor friend says it sounds like he's trying now, but she doesn't know the whole story..neither of them do bec I've only been in counseling a month. My counselor says I'm going through adjustment disorder which Def makes sense to me. I've had a lot going on, and I don't know.

 

Then today he says he came up with a solution : we'd have his best guy friend stay with us and help clean and cook for us with a $250 react. I say I don't think it's good to involve someone else when we are rocky but he says it sounds fun and he won't need to hang with others if he's around. I just sigh and say it's a strange idea that doesn't seem good to me. But I can se he's trying in his own weird way.

 

I just need new perspective. I can't view what's right or wrong

Edited August 9, 2016 by Complacency

[LifesontheUp]

Its totally unacceptable what he is doing. At the least he is in an emotional affair with Susan.

 

To be fair you have given him a number of chances to put you first before this OW but he hasn't. Perhaps its time to pack his bags and tell him if he wants her go get her.

[anika99]

I see two huge problems in your marriage, the first one being the OW. Is she still in your husband's life? Are they still hanging out and emotionally bonding? When he told her that you were jealous that was a major betrayal to you. Your marriage will never improve unless she is out of the picture. You have to draw a clear line in the sand about him ending that relationship.

 

The other deep issue I feel you have is that your husband clearly has intimacy issues and it seems like he is always introducing new elements into the marriage to protect himself from getting close to you. His mother, the new dog, video games, weird accusations about you possibly leaving him one day, the OW, and now he wants his friend to move in. It seems like he is always looking to put a buffer between you two so that he can avoid intimacy in the marriage. I really can't imagine anything improving long term until your husband gets rid of the OW and gets himself some counselling.

 

Also it sounds like you may want kids someday but it seems like he is never going to want children. Are you sure you want to sacrafice motherhood? It appears that you two are not anywhere on the same page and do not share the same desires concerning your marriage. Try to get him to at least a few sessions of marriage counselling so that at least you can get a clear picture of your marriage. I feel like you two are avoiding the big issues by putting your focus on the smaller issues, like puppies and repairing windshields.

[elaine567]

It appears that you two are not anywhere on the same page and do not share the same desires concerning your marriage.

^^^^this^^^^

 

Even after all that transpired & with you threatening to leave, his solution is to bring a buddy home to stay with the two of you...!!!!

 

I know there is Susan the friendly co-worker, but I just got a feeling here suddenly, a bit of a wild card, but could he be gay?

[Complacency]

That made me laugh, I don't know if in a good or a bad way but I'm actually bisexual and have not really seen him act gay in any way or show interest in men. But yeah, he just keeps bringing seriously weird things up and it makes me wonder how he even thinks? I'm hoping some guy will comment with some sort of insight. A coworker of mine said it was "sweet" he was trying to bring someone else in to help with the house?!?! Lol I'm sorry but it's hard not to laugh at certain things because I feel a lot of this is just so crazy.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[Complacency]

I think you guys are right. There have been things I've seen whee I don't see us going in the same direction at all. I mention it to him but he says he doesn't know what happened and that he feels like he can't enjoy life...yet with his friends etc it seems to me he is even when he says he's not. We have discussed the big issues, I just brought up the windshield and puppies thing bec he made such a huge deal of them and to this day says he feels I'm not honest enough with him.

 

 

On the children thing, I know I never want to be pregnant, I'd rather adopt or maybe just find children to have fun with like big brother or sister. Just don't have the want to be pregnant, but he makes me feel insecure when he says well just fight if something were to happen.

 

I find it so strange he's being emotional now. I can't tell if it's manipulatively what it is. I don't know of I'm codependent or ?? I'm trying to understand I guess and maybe that's not possible

 

 

As for "Susan" I'm not sure. It's only been a week since the shooting thing and I don't get to see him until the weekends. (Every other month)

[Complacency]

But thank you for your comment on the intimacy thing...I suppose I never thought of it that way. His parents have a very strained marriage that they don't believe in divorce yet his mom is telling him to stop dragging his feet and be careful because I may want alimony and part of his retirement. He asks if I'd take the dogs and the house and I tell him I wouldn't do that, he can have them and should know I don't have a desire to keep them. It'd be easier for me to start new. Just sucks when I'm forgiving and have feelings still, I love him and he's a good provider but I can't even tell what he wants and he says he doesn't know what he wants and he gets in his own way.

 

 

I keep trying to make a clear line for him with the girl but he thinks I'm being unfair and all. Which just feels like he won't accept my feelings but I'm always wondering if I am controlling/not appreciative of what I have because of what he says

[aileD]

It is really difficult being married to a cop. They have to control things at work all day and tend to try to do the same thing at home.

 

He seems to be having some PTSD issues. Issues dealing with being a cop. You said some very concerning things here. About him not feeling like a person anymore, not wanting to be around people, getting assaulted, worrying about birth control (not wanting to bring kids into world), worrying about being outsid and if anyone has guns.

 

Especially now, are you in the US? Cops are being threatened daily.

 

I do not think his behavior is ok, but just reading it, I can clearly see he news psych help immediately.

 

I have a close friend who was a cop and committed suicide because of stuff like this.

 

Stop talking about divorce and get your husband help. Please.

[Complacency]

I know he needs help but if he refuses to go how am I supposed to make him? I have suggested online counseling and that's what I'm currently doing. I've told him I'm concerned about him and how he doesn't deal with his emotions. We tried one marriage counseling session together and he almost walked away before we went inside. But he went in, he talked a bit about all the things he saw wrong with me and how he's on high alert constantly to the counselor but she only compared being an introvert herself to how he doesn't like people etc. he got upset because he felt she didn't understand the cop world and he tells me I don't either. I know why he's like this, or makes sense to me and I see some of his world in 911 calls and try to protect officers myself by asking important information from the callers.

 

 

I am currently talking to a friend who is a licensed counselor about him and she thinks he has PTSD and suggested him talking to her but he won't after that initial counseling session we had. My actual counselor hasn't said much on him yet because I've only had 2 sessions so far. So i don't know how to help, even though I tell him he should probably talk to someone and needs to get stuff off his chest.

[aileD]

he needs to tell his department, there are resources for officers.

 

it is not safe for him to be working like this. Not safe for him, not safe for others, not safe for your family.