At a loss with what's happening and I am doing

[ConfusedatWork]

I am 40, male, and married with 3 kids. A few months ago I started a new job.

 

A month or so into the job, I was assigned to work on a project with a single, female coworker who is a few years younger than me. We hit it off and work well together. At first, all our communications were strictly professional/friendly.

 

Over time, we discovered we have similar senses of humor and are also pretty competitive with one another. This competitiveness has become a running joke between us.

 

She knows I am married, though I find myself not talking about my family too much to her. I know she is single and dates a bit. But she has also gone to great lengths to avoid telling me that, but other people have mentioned it to me.

 

Then, at an office trip to a sporting event, she spent much of the game with her leg pressed firmly against mine. The day after that, we were at corporate seminar about IT security. During the client security presentation and she sent me a link to a secure messaging app we learned about. I joking texted back in it that she was being paranoid and she replied "You laugh now, but later you'll be happy you have it."

 

A few weeks after that, a large group of us attended a conference. The first night, a large group went out to dinner and drinks. A guy joined our group who was clearly trying to hit on her, but she spent much of the night talking with me. I assumed this was because she was trying to signal to the other dude that she was not interested.

 

The second night, a smaller group of us went to a bar. The same guy from the night before as there too. We were all seated in a row, with him to the right of her and me to her left. While that guy was trying to talk with her, buy her drinks, etc., she began to rub her leg against mine under the bar again. We spent much of the night like that.

 

Later that night, we were having a very intense conversation about work stuff. Mainly how I like when work gets really busy because it lets my shelve my underlying anxiety and throw my self 100% into something for a few weeks and ignore everything else. It was the sort of room full of people, but we were the only two people there kind of moment for me. Intense eye contact, etc. Then, she suddenly broke off the conversation and said "I need to go to bed," and shot out the door.

 

After that, we fell back into a pattern of working together well, but no overly flirtatious stuff. Some kidding here and there. Jokey teasing, but nothing sexual. We text and email after hours, but only about work stuff. I don't do that, however, with anyone else in my office.

 

If we're ever in a room together for work, we tend to keep close to each other, but never touching. If there's a group lunch, we usually sit together. A few people have commented that she and I have a lot of projects together, but more in the sense that some people find her hard to work with and they are glad that she and I get along well.

 

A month and a half ago, we had to take a day trip out of town for a meeting. The meeting happened to be in the town where I went to college and I hadn't been back in years. After the meeting, we had a long drive back, but I asked if she minded if we swung past a few of my old haunts. We ate lunch at my favorite coffee shop and talked a lot about each other's childhoods in a way we have never talked before. As I drove her around town, it had, to me, a very "first date" kinda vibe.

 

Fast-forward to last week. During a meeting to figure out some scheduling stuff, I mentioned that we have three giant projects that would all get very busy at different times in the next year. She lives very close to the office, I have a long commute. In response she said "Well, if you ever don't want to make the drive home, I have an extra bedroom."

 

That last statement threw me for a loop. She said it very non-chalantly, as if I mentioned I didn't have a pen with me and she had an extra. I can't even remember how I responded.

 

Is that possibly a friendly offer? I can't imagine how it could be, but there was no innuendo in it.

 

So now I am having a mild freak out.

 

Most of me wishes I could say "You're a great colleague and friend, but cut that other stuff out. I spent a non-trivial amount of time in therapy because of **** like this." Part of me thinks she is a pretty incredible person and likes what has been going on, but is also afraid of losing much of what is so important to me. And yet another part of me thinks (fears) she is just messing with me since she knows I dig her and she thinks it is fun/likes the attention.

 

Yesterday, everything was 100% professional or just friendly.

 

It's like we swing back and forth; hot and cold; so that I can't get a read on what's going on or even how to act around her.

 

All thoughts are welcome.

 

It is obvious that she knows I like her. I wish that I didn't. But the thought that she might dig me is very excited. But, I also wonder whether she is just messing with me and gets some excitement in stringing me along.

 

What gives?

[ksol9]

40 year old male who loves and cherishes his wife and 3 children.....think long and hard before you play with fire. You are already playing with the heat. Excitement comes and goes. This is temptation and you hold the key to your own fate. It is up to you to set boundaries or to cross them. I read as you went back and forth about liking this woman who clearly knows you are married. She is tempting you and then pulling back until you catch up. Before long, you will cross a line that you can not go back. It's also sounds like you've been down this road before so you know what you are dealing with and what ramifications will follow. I don't think you're a bad person, I think you're human and human make mistakes. This is the world we live in. Men and women do things like far to often. I don't understand it. There will always be attractive women, women who want to tempt you into an exciting affair. This doesn't mean you don't love your wife and family, it means you have to be strong enough to stay clear of these temptations in order to preserve what you don't want to lose.

 

 

Always think about how your actions and decision will effect those you love and care for.

[PegNosePete]

What does your wife think about this situation?

 

You did tell her, right?

 

What does she think about the fact you allow a woman at work to press against your leg, to play footsie under the table, to have secret chats and feel all special and connected and go on "first date"s with?

 

What do you think would happen if she found out?

[smackie9]

Just STOP IT. You are heading down a real bad path here. If your wife was doing these things with a male coworker how would you feel? You KNOW you are over stepping your boundaries. It's turning in a emotional affair....it doesn't matter if you are talking about work, you are still communicating after hours, flirting with each other, she's rubbing legs with you, and come on, what woman offers a man let alone a married one, to sleep over at her place?? Give your head a shake...if you value your marriage, and the life you have now, cut this lady off before it's too late......you are messing with fire.

[ksol9]

No words anyone writes on this board will stop you. You have to stop yourself. You came here for help because you already know you are going down the wrong road.

 

You shouldn't need confirmation from anyone here in this forum...turn around and walk away from this dark place you are going with this woman.

[frigginlost]

You've already crossed the line if you're on these boards asking about it...

 

You have shot a great big hole in the ship you are sailing on.

 

You can either jump in a life boat and save the life you have with your wife and children, or you can go down with the ship...

[aileD]

I am 40, male, and married with 3 kids. A few months ago I started a new job.

 

A month or so into the job, I was assigned to work on a project with a single, female coworker who is a few years younger than me. We hit it off and work well together. At first, all our communications were strictly professional/friendly.

 

Over time, we discovered we have similar senses of humor and are also pretty competitive with one another. This competitiveness has become a running joke between us.

 

She knows I am married, though I find myself not talking about my family too much to her. I know she is single and dates a bit. But she has also gone to great lengths to avoid telling me that, but other people have mentioned it to me.

 

Then, at an office trip to a sporting event, she spent much of the game with her leg pressed firmly against mine. The day after that, we were at corporate seminar about IT security. During the client security presentation and she sent me a link to a secure messaging app we learned about. I joking texted back in it that she was being paranoid and she replied "You laugh now, but later you'll be happy you have it."

 

A few weeks after that, a large group of us attended a conference. The first night, a large group went out to dinner and drinks. A guy joined our group who was clearly trying to hit on her, but she spent much of the night talking with me. I assumed this was because she was trying to signal to the other dude that she was not interested.

 

The second night, a smaller group of us went to a bar. The same guy from the night before as there too. We were all seated in a row, with him to the right of her and me to her left. While that guy was trying to talk with her, buy her drinks, etc., she began to rub her leg against mine under the bar again. We spent much of the night like that.

 

Later that night, we were having a very intense conversation about work stuff. Mainly how I like when work gets really busy because it lets my shelve my underlying anxiety and throw my self 100% into something for a few weeks and ignore everything else. It was the sort of room full of people, but we were the only two people there kind of moment for me. Intense eye contact, etc. Then, she suddenly broke off the conversation and said "I need to go to bed," and shot out the door.

 

After that, we fell back into a pattern of working together well, but no overly flirtatious stuff. Some kidding here and there. Jokey teasing, but nothing sexual. We text and email after hours, but only about work stuff. I don't do that, however, with anyone else in my office.

 

If we're ever in a room together for work, we tend to keep close to each other, but never touching. If there's a group lunch, we usually sit together. A few people have commented that she and I have a lot of projects together, but more in the sense that some people find her hard to work with and they are glad that she and I get along well.

 

A month and a half ago, we had to take a day trip out of town for a meeting. The meeting happened to be in the town where I went to college and I hadn't been back in years. After the meeting, we had a long drive back, but I asked if she minded if we swung past a few of my old haunts. We ate lunch at my favorite coffee shop and talked a lot about each other's childhoods in a way we have never talked before. As I drove her around town, it had, to me, a very "first date" kinda vibe.

 

Fast-forward to last week. During a meeting to figure out some scheduling stuff, I mentioned that we have three giant projects that would all get very busy at different times in the next year. She lives very close to the office, I have a long commute. In response she said "Well, if you ever don't want to make the drive home, I have an extra bedroom."

 

That last statement threw me for a loop. She said it very non-chalantly, as if I mentioned I didn't have a pen with me and she had an extra. I can't even remember how I responded.

 

Is that possibly a friendly offer? I can't imagine how it could be, but there was no innuendo in it.

 

So now I am having a mild freak out.

 

Most of me wishes I could say "You're a great colleague and friend, but cut that other stuff out. I spent a non-trivial amount of time in therapy because of **** like this." Part of me thinks she is a pretty incredible person and likes what has been going on, but is also afraid of losing much of what is so important to me. And yet another part of me thinks (fears) she is just messing with me since she knows I dig her and she thinks it is fun/likes the attention.

 

Yesterday, everything was 100% professional or just friendly.

 

It's like we swing back and forth; hot and cold; so that I can't get a read on what's going on or even how to act around her.

 

All thoughts are welcome.

 

It is obvious that she knows I like her. I wish that I didn't. But the thought that she might dig me is very excited. But, I also wonder whether she is just messing with me and gets some excitement in stringing me along.

 

What gives?

 

 

 

I haven't read all the responses I just want to say: What does your WIFE think of all this???

 

Oh, wait...you didn't tell her

 

Then YOU KNOW where this is headed and trust me. If you love your kids, you won't let it go there because an affair will ....I'm sorry, did I say--WILL-- 100% DESTROY your life.

 

It will destroy your wife's life and the lives of your children.

 

Tell this woman to cut it out, don't let her touch your damn leg any more and TELL YOUR WIFE what's going on. If you downloaded the messaging app, delete it.

 

If you care at all about your life, your children, your wife, your house, your money and your family. DO NOT GO THERE.

 

It's. Not. Worth. It. Trust. ME

[aileD]

and why did you post this in the DATING forum? It should be in the Married/infidelity area.

 

you're not going on a "first date" with this woman, you're beginning to make

her your mistress.

 

look up emotional affairs.'

 

This isn't special. It's HOW THEY ALL START .

[benpom]

Let's imagine that you get to be with your mistress, then what?

You wife and children might leave you. Even if they don't, they will be hurt tremendously. They will lose respect for you.

If you get to be with your mistress, it's going to be very short-lived, because you two will have trust issues. She will worry about you being unfaithful. Then you two will fall apart.

Then, you two can not maintain professional work relationship anymore. She might quit the work place, or you will have to. You might lose your job. Worse things might happen - someone might accuse this situation as sexual harassment.