How do I support my wife and make her happy?

[Gdunkman]

Hi, I don’t have really big problems, but I need a piece of advice. We have been married for two years. My wife and I we love and respect each other, but here is a problem.

 

I’m very good at occupying myself, I have a job + small business that I do during my free time, if I still have some spare time – I have a queue of hobby ideas, I just need to choose which one I want to prioritize.

 

My wife on the contrary is bored. She doesn’t work – this part is not a problem for me, I know many families where the wife doesn’t work. The hobbies that she has don’t keep her interested and motivated. I’m trying to give her ideas time to time, but they don’t work for her. She starts to do something, she’s busy with it for a week or two, than she drops it without any result, and starts something different. Lack of results makes her unhappy too. We spend some time together daily, but it looks like it's almost the only time she enjoys during the day.

 

What can I do to help her? I feel like I need to do something in this situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

Absent children, why doesn't she want her own career?

 

Can she get involved in your side business, perhaps in an administrative/bookkeeping capacity?

 

Others in her situation often find volunteer work rewarding. Not sure any of this is a path you can create for her, she'll have to find her own way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

What can I do to help her? I feel like I need to do something in this situation.

 

This is a tough one, because you really can't help someone who can't help themselves. I have a similar dynamic going on where my wife has no real hobbies, no real interests, and no real desire to do anything with her spare time other than watch TV, and maybe workout a little.

 

Does she have friends? Are they they same types of folks?

 

What I do is constantly invite my wife to come with me on my adventures, and then sort of cater to her a bit when she does.

[S2B]

Can she work a part time job so that she's accomplishing something most days?

 

It's her job to be happy all on her own - that's not something you can do FOR her.

[NTV]

You can't make someone else happy. Her happiness is her responsibility. You want her to be happy so that you can be happy with her, but you just can't control what goes on inside someone else's head.

 

 

And truly that's the attitude I think you should take.

[Arieswoman]

Sorry to be unkind OP, but you married someone with a butterfly brain, and now you've got to deal with it.

 

I'm not sure what sort of talks you had before you got married but did you agree to support her totally while she just fluttered from one failed project to another?

 

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but it seems to me that you don't have a wife, just an entitled child.

 

Perhaps you can enlighten us on what she actually does contribute to this relationship that cause you to respect her so much?

[Gdunkman]

Perhaps you can enlighten us on what she actually does contribute to this relationship that cause you to respect her so much?

 

Let's talk first about you judging people you don't know. Why do you think you can do it?

[Arieswoman]

Gdunkerman,

 

OK, let's get this straight. You have come here asking for advice.

 

No-one can advise you unless we have more information

 

You have already said that you love and respect your wife.

 

I am trying to clarify what your wife contributes to the marriage that makes you respect her so much? Was it agreed that you you would be the main financial contributor to the marriage while she indulged herself with various hobbies and other activities?

 

If you want some pertinent advice please tell us a bit more and then people might be able to suggest solutions.

[Davey L]

Let's talk first about you judging people you don't know. Why do you think you can do it?

 

That is a somewhat unfair response. By posting here you are, in effect, inviting people to make a judgement on whatever information you have provided and give advice accordingly. This is what Arieswoman has done and her response is one that I concur with.

 

I suggest that if you feel her comment is somehow incorrect or unfair perhaps you could provide some further background information so that people may form a more complete and rounded view of your situation.

[S2B]

Sorry to be unkind OP, but you married someone with a butterfly brain, and now you've got to deal with it.

 

I'm not sure what sort of talks you had before you got married but did you agree to support her totally while she just fluttered from one failed project to another?

 

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but it seems to me that you don't have a wife, just an entitled child.

 

Perhaps you can enlighten us on what she actually does contribute to this relationship that cause you to respect her so much?

 

Let's talk first about you judging people you don't know. Why do you think you can do it?

 

It was a fair question Aries asked... You answered a question by asking a question.

 

When asking for input - and others ask a question - it's fair to think you would answer a few questions.

 

What exactly does your gal accomplish every day?

[Gdunkman]

What exactly does your gal accomplish every day?

 

I don't mind answering the questions, I just don't see them to be relevant. Last two weeks she was taking care of the house that we are giving on rent. Before that she helped me with administrative work, but it wasn't her thing.

 

Anyway, I understood this is not correct place to ask for advice. Thank you everybody.

[Gdunkman]

Was it agreed that you you would be the main financial contributor to the marriage while she indulged herself with various hobbies and other activities?

 

Yes it was, it's not an issue.

[S2B]

If that was the agreement then let it be.

 

She is keeping her end of your agreement.

 

Until that agreement is changed - she's just doing what you agreed to.

 

How ever she may feel is only up to her.

 

If you don't like the way it seems - then sit her down and change the agreement.

 

 

Otherwise... I can't see what the problem is? Can you be specific if there is an issue?

[Davey L]

If she's feeling bored and unfulfilled my suggestion, for what it's worth, would be to push her into getting a job. Reduce her allowance so that she needs to work to get the money she wants, if that is what it takes. That is what I did for my wife as she suffered from similar issues when she had too much time on her hands.

 

Whether this would work in your situation and with your wife's personality only you can know of course - I'm just going by what you have posted.

[BlueIris]

Has she ever had activities or goals that she found stimulating? Maybe in high school or college? She could do those things again and she might begin to feel more energized and enthusiastic about other possibilities.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You appear to be in your 20's, your wife does not work...

 

Why?? Why does she get to contribute nothing to the household other than cleaning the house? Something does not register here.

[NTV]

I don't mind answering the questions, I just don't see them to be relevant. Last two weeks she was taking care of the house that we are giving on rent. Before that she helped me with administrative work, but it wasn't her thing.

 

Anyway, I understood this is not correct place to ask for advice. Thank you everybody.

 

You're welcome! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Wish you would put some thought into my words though... they were learned the hard way.

[Keats]

Hey,

 

She just hasn't found herself yet. She hasn't found her thing.

 

I'm the same. Well was the same. It's a state of mind. And yes it can get you down not finding that thing that clicks with you. Ever. But it's not really a thing. It's more that she needs to know what's she's passionate about. I too spent a few years doing things for weeks then dropping. Before that was even worse where I wasn't doing anything at all. Now I do loads. It's a phase. Can be a long one.

 

People are also very judgemental about it. And also judgmental about wives that don't work, as you've seen on this thread already.

 

I would say just accept her. As she is. It's a good thing she is trying stuff and then letting it go. These are things that don't suit. It's a good thing there are a million things to do. And that they can all be tried. It's a discovery.

 

It's sweet that you want to help her. But a best thing a man can do for a woman is listhen to her, let her cry, and then just hug her and be there. More important than anything to understand and accept her for whatever she is. Rather than fix things. Fixing messes things up. It sends a message to her that she is wrong and needs to be fixed. So youfixing her could lead her to be depressed.

[BaileyB]

Though it is kind of you to try, you can't make her happy. Nobody is or should be responsible for someone else's happiness. It's really up to her to find some way to occupy her time and bring her the things at are important to her - a sense of accomplishment, joy, friends... Whatever that may be.

 

I truly believe that for a relationship to work well, both partners have to happy, healthy, and whole before they come together. I hope she finds this because otherwise, I worry that it will put a strain on your relationship long term. Best wishes.

[anika99]

One reason your wife is unhappy is because it's not normal for a young healthy woman (in the absence of children and illness) to not work or support herself. People raise their self esteem and feel a sense of purpose when they work and make their own money even if their job is menial or low paying. Also by going out to work everyday and interacting with the world is one way we learn about ourselves and discover our passion.

 

You are not contributing to your wife's happiness by allowing her not to work. If you're not having kids right now then this is the time for your wife to be securing herself and her future. She needs to be working or going to school so that if years down the road something should happen to you she will be able to step up and take care of herself and any children you two may have. If your wife is waiting for some sort of dream job or interest to fall from the sky into her lap then she is going to be sorely disappointed with life. Anything worth having or doing takes work and practice and sacrifice. Nothing is fun all the time. Even children don't get to spend their days doing nothing while complaining that they are bored. In the real world kids go to school and adults work, even when it's not fun. Tell your wife to get a job and then keep that job whatever it is until she can secure a better job that she likes more. That's how adults function.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let's talk first about you judging people you don't know. Why do you think you can do it?

 

Anyway, I understood this is not correct place to ask for advice. Thank you everybody.

 

A lot of good feedback, and these are the OP's two main responses ???

 

You can lead 'em to water...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FrenchToast]

Hi Gdunkman!

 

How long have you two been married and did you move to somewhere new or are you two living in the same town as before you were married? What is the situation with family members? Do you have any near by or do the two of you communicate a lot with family?

 

Boredom can suck and drain the life out of you! I've been there after moving to a new place and not knowing anyone and not having any way to get around since we only had one vehicle at the time.

 

Have you tried talking to your wife in a way that gets her thinking about her life? What are her dreams? What does she see herself doing in 5 or 10 years? Sometimes talking about the future or about dreams can get people thinking beyond the present moment.

[Amy4663]

I think it is great that you want to help your wife in this way! You mentioned that you have a list of hobbies that you are itching to try. Are there any that you could do together? This way you can complete your list and spend quality time together. You also mentioned that your wife starts and stops various projects, but that might be ok. If she continues to try different things until she find something that she really likes... then it will be worth it. She may want to try different classes (art, singing, dancing) or even blogging? What a fantastic blog that would be if she tried a variety of things and then shared that information with others! I hope this helps!

[RecentChange]

What did your wife do to occupy her time before you got married?

 

Did she used to work? What is her education level? Any prior sports, hobbies, etc? Surely there was a time when she didn't rely on you to occupy or fulfill her.

 

I have often turned to the things I enjoyed in my youth to give me fulfilment outside of my working life.

 

I loved horses, now I have one and ride 5 days a week. I loved the outdoors and took an interest in the natural world, so I took classes in biology and geology. I enjoy drawing, so I have practiced that. I find all of these things quite enjoyable, and I find that the things I was drawn to as a 5 year old bring me joy as an adult.

 

Maybe we are all a bit jealous too, I wish I had I unfettered free time!

 

I would surely take more college courses. Spend more time hiking out on the trails. More time in the saddle. Volunteer more often with the therapeutic riding center. Maybe help out at second harvest food bank because they do such amazing things for the community.

 

I wish I had enough time to be "bored".

 

The bigger question for your wife is, why doesn't she have a passion? Why can't she find anything she can stick with?

[Ana-Iva]

Looks like some form of depression to me. She lost interest in living a normal life, basically... Nothing motivates her. Yup, a depression. She needs a psychologist to talk to.

Does she have friends? Family? Anything that USED to interest her and keep her motivated?

Your love for her and her love for you aside, if your relationship is to last AND be happy, she has to find out what is going on with her and fix it. Otherwise, it is just going to get worse.

Good luck.