Post affair facebook question

[understand50]

A couple points to throw in here.

 

The AP is a woman. My wife was with her on and off over 2 years. This woman used to come to our house often, eat dinner with my family, her parents have visited us for gods sake. It's a very unusual situation, not the typical for sure. It's all the more difficult because I could not follow the everyone should know about it rule. For one, I don't want everyone to know about it and 2 it would almost be cruel and unusual punishment to out her affair with a woman to everyone.

 

Second point, the AP partner is BLOCKED on facebook, she cannot see anything my wife likes or posts there. I know she's blocked for a fact, especially because I check often and you cannot re-block someone for 48 hours if you unblock them. The AP also rarely uses facebook, I also know this for a fact.

 

What she did was wrong and I have clearly stated that to her, she has voluntarily just shut down her entire facebook account but is not happy about it.

 

She doesn't think it was nearly as wrong as I do simply because I never specifically stated NC with the parents (who I personally know as well.. again complicated situation) and the friend. She knows and I know that the AP wouldn't see it, so I had to go as far as explaining/asking her... if I was sitting right next to you watching when you liked those posts, do you think I would get upset? And of course the answer is yes.... so why the **** did you do it... and really the answer is that she didn't think I would see it, she just won't say that.

 

Anyways, she knows i'm not happy about it, ... she shut down her facebook account and isn't happy about that and me yelling at her. So I think I'll take some advice here and just back away for awhile.

 

cc_zero,

 

In the end, you must do what is right for you and your wife as you see it. Every couple is different, and every situation needs its own different response. You want to reconcile, and as in all things with human relationships, it never is a smooth process. Even the best will be rocky sometime, as in marriages in general.

 

All we suggest, is not to become a doormat, but I think you are far from that. Also, just being controlling, or mean to the WS, does not work, as in the end that is not a real good marriage. I always remember, that WS have human rights as well, if we believe in redemption, and people changing we must allow them to grow, and slip from time to time.

 

As you explain it, I do not think this is a major slip needing a huge response. I would let her have her Facebook account back, and just ask to have it open for you. DKT3 is right. She is an adult, and knows for the most part what is required, but there can be gray areas. Being able to talk out these gray areas, with out fighting, will be one large sigh post on the way back.

 

I wish you luck......

[Just a Guy]

Hi cc, apparently your wife is lesbian or at least bisexual. If that be the case then some questions arise. Firstly, does her affair mean that she ignores you and denies you sex? Has she become less affectionate towards you? If yes I would think your marriage is over. If no then maybe you could allow her to have her cake and eat it too if it does not interfere with your marital relationship. I have read about a case where a wife had a woman as a lover and her husband was cool with this fact because he got to have sex with the woman too. I don't recommend that in your case but as long as your wife's involvement does not interfere or jeopardise your marriage you can let her be. However, if it does impinge on your marriage or you have very strong views about something like this then by all means put a stop to it. In my view if your wife is a confirmed lesbian or bisexual then it is best to let her go because she will never be happy with you.

 

Lesbianism or bisexual traits are something a woman has no control over. It is in the nature of her sexual orientation. Best to let her go and explore her sexuality with her OW. Just my opinion. Warm wishes.

[NTV]

Anyways, she knows i'm not happy about it, ... she shut down her facebook account and isn't happy about that and me yelling at her. So I think I'll take some advice here and just back away for awhile.

 

 

 

Well, it sounds like you know where you're at. Just hoping you have a gameplan ready just in case things go (more) south.

[dichotomy]

My WW best friend (at the time way back when) was also very good friends with OM.

 

The thing is - is that this GF thought my wife had told me about OM (and all her past wild times) when we started dating. This GF just assumed I accepted that she was a mistress to this MM before me - and that she remained "friends" with OM now that she was with me.

 

Therefore I waffled on whether my wife should have blocked this best GF on FB. In the end - she simply stopped interacting or speaking to this old GF without blocking her. I did see one communication 3 years after Dday from this GF that she met with OM and he missed her and wanted to re start the great sex they had. I blew up at wife for not telling me her GF was relaying a message. But its not like wife responded or reached out to GF or OM in anyway directly or indirectly. She just passively let attempts come in.

 

I have not read your back story - was their long standing connections to OM's parents ?

[lolablue17]

When you like a post in FB, everyone who can see the post, can also see that you liked it. So liking a post that the AP can see, is making a clear unambiguous signal to the AP. She did it only for that purpose - for the AP to see her signal.

 

She broke the NC boundary. You caught her. She's upset, and childishly "punishing" you by deactivating her FB account. A cheap lame manipulation.

 

It is very natural by her to be curious about the AP. You can't control her mind. That's the problem with forced boundaries that are kept only to make you satisfy. It doesn't prove she will cheat again. It doesn't prove anything.

[Friskyone4u]

CC

 

You either want the truth or you do not. If you do, you do not stop snooping. if you give her space and she is still at it, then you need to make sure you understand that whenever you catch her again that it is YOUR decision that got you whacked again. if you can live with that fine.

 

if you want to know if moving forward that you are in a true reconciliation, then you insure you have the truth. And if that means telling her she is off the leash but she will take a polygraph test sometime in the future, that is what you do.

 

by the way, her reaction to that, whether you had any intention of doing it or not, will tell you something.

[Noirek]

When you like a post in FB, everyone who can see the post, can also see that you liked it. So liking a post that the AP can see, is making a clear unambiguous signal to the AP. She did it only for that purpose - for the AP to see her signal.

 

She broke the NC boundary. You caught her. She's upset, and childishly "punishing" you by deactivating her FB account. A cheap lame manipulation.

 

It is very natural by her to be curious about the AP. You can't control her mind. That's the problem with forced boundaries that are kept only to make you satisfy. It doesn't prove she will cheat again. It doesn't prove anything.

 

No, but the OP knows more about FB than this poster. When someone is blocked they are blocked. The blocked person cannot see their name or posts. It is like they don't exist. Except there is a small footprint. The number of liked/comments will include the invisible person. But when you click to see names it won't show the name.

 

My affair was in a social circle. It can be complicated. I no longer have FB (not at all related to the affair) but when I did I had mutual friends. And common sense and empathy, not being dictated to, controlled and lockdown, told me that I didn't like or comment on any posts related to AP or his family... Even when AP became unblocked.

 

And I screwed up a lot and did a lot wrong.

 

Someone in this thread mentioned blocking their IP so their spouse can't even search for xOW. Sometimes marriage is rough. And only you OP gets to decided what you can live with. But ask yourself how you want to live. And how long you want to control your wife's behaviour. Because if she isn't (slip up asides) being a good partner to you and working on this marriage alongside you, things won't get better. If she is still minimizing what she did or pretending it didn't happen, nothing will change in her. Following rules you post on the wall only goes so far. It won't change her heart.

[ladydesigner]

When you like a post in FB, everyone who can see the post, can also see that you liked it. So liking a post that the AP can see, is making a clear unambiguous signal to the AP. She did it only for that purpose - for the AP to see her signal.

 

She broke the NC boundary. You caught her. She's upset, and childishly "punishing" you by deactivating her FB account. A cheap lame manipulation.

 

It is very natural by her to be curious about the AP. You can't control her mind. That's the problem with forced boundaries that are kept only to make you satisfy. It doesn't prove she will cheat again. It doesn't prove anything.

 

I know my forced boundaries weren't used to satisfy, they were used to see if my WH would cross the line and he did and he got consequences.

[Mr. Lucky]

The AP is a woman. My wife was with her on and off over 2 years. This woman used to come to our house often, eat dinner with my family, her parents have visited us for gods sake. It's a very unusual situation, not the typical for sure. It's all the more difficult because I could not follow the everyone should know about it rule. For one, I don't want everyone to know about it and 2 it would almost be cruel and unusual punishment to out her affair with a woman to everyone.

 

I don't understand why these distinctions are important to you ???

 

Cheating is cheating and, if LBGT rights really do exist (as they should), then so do the equivalent responsibilities and consequences. Outing her is affair is not only the right thing to do, it's the smart thing to do for the very same reasons that would apply were her AP a man.

 

Think of it this way - were her affair common knowledge, she wouldn't be liking her AP's birthday wishes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

I don't understand why these distinctions are important to you ???

 

Cheating is cheating

 

ditto this

[Cephalopod]

I don't understand why these distinctions are important to you ???

 

Cheating is cheating and, if LBGT rights really do exist (as they should), then so do the equivalent responsibilities and consequences. Outing her is affair is not only the right thing to do, it's the smart thing to do for the very same reasons that would apply were her AP a man.

 

Think of it this way - were her affair common knowledge, she wouldn't be liking her AP's birthday wishes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

QTF

 

The core issue here is that your wife is disrespecting you period. She is not remorseful. Hell, she doesn't even sound guilty or regretful.

 

Why would you want to continue on with someone who doesn't respect you? Why would you want to spend the rest of your marriage waiting for the other shoe to drop? I couldn't do it with my xWW. It tore me apart to divorce her but I am so much better off, and you would be too.

[Whoknew30]

I understand what you are saying here Whoknew30 but if the WS does not 'obey' the boundaries that the BS has set forth there is no M. Mutual understanding and respect is not breaking NC because you want to save your M.

 

I agree a WS shouldn't be breaking NC but if they do, then the BS would now know where the WS is coming from. A WS should be doing these things bc they want to, not bc their being made to. If they're not showing mutual respect after A then the ball is now in the BS court & why drive yourself crazy babysitting your spouse...that's not much of a marriage either.

[Lobe]

A WS should be doing these things bc they want to, not bc their being made to. If they're not showing mutual respect after A then the ball is now in the BS court & why drive yourself crazy babysitting your spouse...that's not much of a marriage either.

 

I caught WH slip a few times in those first couple of days and then he went to his brother's house and got a separation agreement slapped on his lap. The ball was entirely in HIS court to prove he was remorseful, deferential, and apologetic. I had no desire to play pick me or watch him send smoke signals. Ain't nobody got time for that sh*t. Send her packing and see if she goes to him or stays with family and begs to come home. What's that cheesy saying? If you love something set it free, if its' yours it will come back and if it doesn't hope the door hits her on the *ss on her way out?

[ladydesigner]

I agree a WS shouldn't be breaking NC but if they do, then the BS would now know where the WS is coming from. A WS should be doing these things bc they want to, not bc their being made to. If they're not showing mutual respect after A then the ball is now in the BS court & why drive yourself crazy babysitting your spouse...that's not much of a marriage either.

 

Totally! Yeah I have stopped the babysitting ever since False R. I made myself sick doing it and every time I found something I blamed myself

 

But you are right in that I am not in much of a M... true that!

[BettyDraper]

I don't know about this..."disobeying" that is more what you say about a child, not an adult. There are such things as boundaries but if someone is going to continue to cheat they're going to do it no matter what & just be smarter about it.

 

A lot of people in false reconciliation "obey"...it's about mutual understanding & respect..not putting "restriction" on a spouse. It's just not how you save a marriage.

 

Breaking marital vows by cheating is a very childish thing to do. I stand by my wording.

Those who show that they cannot abide by adult commitments they have made will be monitored like children if they want to reconcile with their spouses. Boundaries have gone out the window if someone is cheating and then has the nerve to continue to contact AP's friends.

[BettyDraper]

I agree a WS shouldn't be breaking NC but if they do, then the BS would now know where the WS is coming from. A WS should be doing these things bc they want to, not bc their being made to. If they're not showing mutual respect after A then the ball is now in the BS court & why drive yourself crazy babysitting your spouse...that's not much of a marriage either.

 

Yes, spouses should not have to babysit each other and I agree that the OP now knows how his wife truly feels about reconciling.

[Whoknew30]

Breaking marital vows by cheating is a very childish thing to do. I stand by my wording.

Those who show that they cannot abide by adult commitments they have made will be monitored like children if they want to reconcile with their spouses. Boundaries have gone out the window if someone is cheating and then has the nerve to continue to contact AP's friends.

 

If you have to behave like a mother to a spouse...what is the point of staying? Just have an actual child. It's waisted energy & for what, if someone chooses to continue to contact the AP let them go be with them. It's just self destruction to drive yourself crazy like that.

[cc_zero]

As far as making a distinction between an A with OM and AW.. I don't really have a distinction. I realize at first glance many would not think so, but to me the way it played out, it is almost worse.

 

The difference for me on outing it is that there's a big difference between "Hey everyone on facebook and all parents, my wife disrespected me and had an affair with some random guy at work that none of you know" ... and " Hey everyone, my wife had an affair with that girl that all of you know and her parents know her parents and you all know that she used to hang out all the time and have dinner at my house" ... I personally don't want everyone to know almost as much as she doesn't. I don't want to see the look on everyones faces the next time I have to see them. I'd probably turn into a hermit.

 

As for the the other points, she has been trying, she has complied with everything, I think she just had a slip up on the AP's birthday. ... That said, I will only deal with so many slip ups... I have already begun researching my rights in case of divorce.

 

For now, I'm just backing off and have told her point blank i'm not going through her stuff anymore... she can turn Facebook back on or leave it, I don't care.

[Mr. Lucky]

The difference for me on outing it is that there's a big difference between "Hey everyone on facebook and all parents, my wife disrespected me and had an affair with some random guy at work that none of you know" ... and " Hey everyone, my wife had an affair with that girl that all of you know and her parents know her parents and you all know that she used to hang out all the time and have dinner at my house" ... I personally don't want everyone to know almost as much as she doesn't. I don't want to see the look on everyones faces the next time I have to see them.

 

Shouldn't that have been HER concern before the affair?

 

Guess we'll just disagree, to me the central issue is infidelity, not the AP's gender. And there are known approaches that maximize your chances of success, exposing the affair is one of them.

 

Regardless, I know it's a tough situation. Hope you get the outcome you want ...

 

Mr. Lucky