Miss my ex, NC for 6 months

[mn12bird]

I posted a much, much longer version of this previously that no one probably wants to read. Sorry, I will try and keep it shorter this time!

 

I am 36 and have only had one relationship my entire life due to shyness which ended this past January. I met my ex online, she lived 45 minutes away and we only saw eachother on weekends mostly. We really hit it off and had damn near everything in common. We hit a roadbump the first time we tried to have sex which didn't go so well partially due to an ongoing medical issue that can affect things for me, but we talked it through and things were great from there. She was doing all kinds of little things for me that 'say it without saying it'. She was socially awkward so anytime she met my friends she didn't say 2 words around them and communication in general could be difficult with her, talking to her could be more like a job interview on occasion if that makes sense but then we'd be alone and her personality would shine through and it would be awesome. Sex could still be a problem throughout because I wasn't very experienced and was admittedly insecure and nervous about not being good enough for her. Despite wanting to have as much sex in as many ways as she would let me, I somewhat avoided it on occasion because I didn't want to disappoint her if it wasn't great. Her behavior didn't help much in that area though, she had a thing about not touching me hardly ever for instance. We always held hands, but other than that she didn't touch me hardly at all. Getting a simple hug from her was a challenge. She also took issue with my job, and rightfully so because I needed to move on and I was doing that, but I think she got really frustrated that it wasn't happening quickly enough.

 

So 3 months in and we had Thanksgiving together and that night I tell her I love her, first time I'd ever said that to anyone. She didn't say it back and didn't react well to me saying it. But things were still great from there, we had an amazing time leading up to Christmas, every weekend was incredible. Xmas Day had a couple miscues including her Dad seemingly leaving me hanging on a handshake, don't think her parents liked me much. She was different in January starting with getting puke drunk on NYE which was very out of character for her. We took a trip mid-January to Vegas with friends of mine and she again didn't say barely a word around them, but we were definitely still having fun...until she suddenly shut off on our last day there after I mistakenly got a table inside when we wanted a table outside at a restaurant. She wouldn't even talk to me, she was so mad at me and I can only guess that something built up with her that cracked. She broke up with me two weekends later saying that she just doesn't love me and never will, I didn't do anything wrong, I treated her better than anyone ever has, she wished I were more selfish (not sure what that means), she commented on how hard it is to find someone that has all the things in common like we did (then why are you leaving?), she didn't mean to lead me on among other things.

 

They say the key to reconciling is knowing why the relationship really ended. I don't think it was because of not being in love or not thinking that she would be down the line, I think she left because our sex life needed work, she was frustrated with my job, communication in that we never even talked about any of these issues or tried to work on them and the times I did try to talk about things she would give me the silent treatment, her past relationships and the walls she put up because of them (her previous 2 ex's did nothing but lie to her and cheat on her, one of whom she was engaged to but he married someone else during their engagement. Think she had trust issues), and I don't think her parents liked me which meant she wouldn't like me eventually either. Her parents owned her.

 

She said things during our relationship like how she doesn't understand why her friends break up and then get back together, she said when she's done with someone she's done. So I don't hold out high hopes for her ever getting back to me without me doing something. I've sent one text since she left, just an innocuous text that I kinda sent on accident about a movie to which she responded to immediately, other than that it's been NC. I want to reach out to her, I still love her and miss her so much and think about her all the time. All we needed to do was talk, I think that's it and things would've been fine. I don't know what to do.

Edited August 9, 2016 by mn12bird

[Silver_star]

I did read some of your post before, but it was quite long and I struggled finding your question....

 

 

I still am not 100% sure what your question is in your situation.

You say you don't know what to do...about what? You can only control your behavior not hers. You sound a bit desperate for her approval, and dependent on her for your happiness in this post, and that is not attractive to anyone. Even if she were to take you back, it wouldn't be for the right reasons.

 

 

Her actions and behaviors would tell me that she is NOT at all willing to be in a mutually beneficial relationship with you. She told you that straight out with her words. She doesn't love you and she doesn't want to be with you. But Actions speak louder than words...and she has consistently been showing you that she doesn't want to be in this relationship 100%. She pushed you away at every opportunity.

 

 

I would cut your losses and move on. Sorry, but that is life. Doesn't always work out.

[Cephalopod]

You cannot make someone love you.

[mn12bird]

Thank you for your replies. It's extremely difficult for me I think due to this being the one and only true relationship I've ever had. And again, I don't think it truly ended because she didn't love me or didn't think she would at some point, it ended because of my complete inexperience with relationships, sex, etc. I was lost because I had never done these things before and I think she grew frustrated with it all more than anything else.

 

I am fortunate in that I feel I have a good amount of friends I think, but the catch is that I hardly ever see any of them. They're all married, they all have kids, we all have our lives, I never see them hardly ever. So finally having someone to do things with, having someone to be with, having someone to finally be invited to couples activities with, go to the movies with, lay in bed with, to have plans with, to do fun 'date' things that you can only do with a gf like going to see Christmas lights and what not...when I've never had that before in my life and it's just gone in an instant, it's pretty hard to take suddenly going back to being alone again. But unlike before, this time finally knowing just how great it is to have someone in your life which makes being single again so much harder. And it's not like another girl is just waiting around the corner for me, it took me 36+ years to find my first true relationship.

 

So yeah, it's difficult to swallow. Very difficult. I have no idea how to forgive myself for screwing up the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because it is entirely my fault that she left.

[Silver_star]

If you want to put yourself through some emotional hardship you can play the blame game and call yourself out on every wrong thing you ever did in this life, but it's very ineffective in actually moving you forward in life.

 

People don't find love if they are not open to it. BEing open to it, involves putting themselves in situations where relationships of any kind can occur. Joining a sport, or an activity that you like, going out to community events, joining clubs. It takes some effort, especially for 30 and above folks to find people during their already hectic life schedules, but it happens ALL of the TIME. So get out there, and don't put so much pressure on yourself and others to be your everything. People pick up on that vibe and it's negative energy. Be your own everything and seek companionship in your life.

 

 

If you want to sit around and sulk about your misfortune in your love life that is your prerogative, and you can do that, but I am just saying from experience that it does not move you forward it only keeps you held back and focused on that past. Just allow yourself to move on and meet new people without the expectation of anything, and you will find relationships (of any kind) will follow.