LaurenP15 Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 I am happily married for almost a year now (friends for 13 years, dated for 5). We are in our early 30's. I met my husband (let's call him James) in high school and we became friends. At that time I was dating an ex bf (Mike). My husband never liked Mike. We were the on again off again type couple and he was overall not great bf material. I get it, my husband did not like him and let me know that I was too good for him. But he never forced me to break up with Mike and was always there for me. Mike and I dated for 4 years and broke up for good. Like all high school break ups, we lost touch and eventually became strangers. I recently found out that a couple of my good friends (who are husband and wife) are also good friends with Mike. They want to plan a get together lunch and asked Mike and I to go. A part of me really wants to go, thing is, I know my husband does not and will not be ok with him. Should I even ask him? How should I approach the situation? My friend (the wife) told me to just go and not tell James that Mike will be there....to be honest, I have thought about that; but alas, I would not like it if he did that to me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 I would not like it if he did that to me... Isnt that all that you need to know to make your decision? What was that golden rule again? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 No, you shouldn't go. That sounds like a double date and it's weird that they would invite you and Mike together when they know you are married. Your 'friend' sounds like she does some sketchy mess behind her husband's back but that doesn't mean you should do it, too. You could ask your husband, but he will probably say no for obvious reasons and you should respect that because you're not going to explode if you don't see this old high school flame. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 First, talk to James to see if he's amiable to go....if not, politely decline AND tell your friends that their suggestion was disrespectful not only to James but to you and your marriage. Personally, if I ever found out that any of my wife's friends suggested to her that she should do something (mostly like this), I'd ensure that they were ex friends. I'd do the same if they were my friends and asked me to compromise my values as well. I fail to see any "love honor and cherish" in this consideration. What do you plan to do????? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 Isnt that all that you need to know to make your decision? What was that golden rule again? Thank you! I just needed someone to slap some sense into me. I guess the curious side of me took over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 No, you shouldn't go. That sounds like a double date and it's weird that they would invite you and Mike together when they know you are married. Your 'friend' sounds like she does some sketchy mess behind her husband's back but that doesn't mean you should do it, too. You could ask your husband, but he will probably say no for obvious reasons and you should respect that because you're not going to explode if you don't see this old high school flame. You're right...come to think of it, it does sound like a double date. That would be extremely weird. I know James, he probably wont say no, but he wont like it. Thats enough reason for me not to go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 If you want to go to lunch with your friends, just tell them you would love to join them when mike isnt there out of respect for your husband's feelings. Schedule the lunch or dinner yourself even. Invite your husband to go with you. Win win win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aguy80 Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 Thank you! I just needed someone to slap some sense into me. I guess the curious side of me took over. Kinda reading between the lines here... if you TRULY love someone, there should be NO "curious" side... PERIOD. Come hell and high water... heck even if you feel like choking the guy somedays (I know we can get that way sometimes lol). This is how I feel so sorry if I offend you in any way or anyone else. Just my opinion... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 If you want to go to lunch with your friends, just tell them you would love to join them when mike isnt there out of respect for your husband's feelings. Schedule the lunch or dinner yourself even. Invite your husband to go with you. Win win win. ^This^ (ten characters) Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 LaurenP15, If you do this behind your husbands back you are taking the first step to cheating. You may not think you are, but you will have taken it. If you stop there your husband will always wonder, and trust will be broken. He will find out at some time. Seems Innocent, but you are playing with fire. Do not play with it. Your friends are disrespecting your husband and your marriage, you need to reevaluate, if they really are friends of yours. Drop them. In the end, what is more important, your friends or your husband? Time to make a choice, please make the right one. I wish you luck.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 with friends like that.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 You have crappy friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Why wasn't your husband invited? If it's nothing more than an innocent kind of reunion why not invite him? You've been friends, dating + married for a long time. Surely your friends are friends of your husband? They don't sound like friends of your marriage. You don't need friends like this in your life now. It seems like they're trying to tempt you & live vicariously through you. Know what I mean? It's just weird to set-up your pretty newlywed friend with her ex boyfriend to be honest. WHY? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 what do your "friends" have against your husband? Why are they blatantly disrespectful to him and disrespectful of your marriage? Why are they trying to undermine your marriage? That is one question you need to answer. The other question is why were you letting them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 WOW i think we are going overboard. seriously does M really mean you have no freedom at all? this is more like a 'mini' high school reunion. what is wrong with meeting to 'catch up' and reminisce? and being HS in which boy/girl 'friends' were swapped with regularity: within groups... my god my W has friends from HS (this is now going back 30 years). i now get to ban her from these meetings? i did not go to her school so i have no interest in listening about x, y or z --- boring. i should not allow her that simple pleasure? oh i have the same situation with my HS friends. that being said, i am curious why it just 4 and it does seem more like a blind date. i would ask H if WE can go, totally honest with the set up. if he says yes, tell the group H is coming. if he says you can, not him: go, if it does turn to 'a date' be gracious, end it early (have you forgotten the old 'i have an early day tomorrow' or 'my kids wore me out today' or...) and then the next day or so express my disappointment to my girl friend for setting this up and to 'knock it off'. if he says you can't go, keep that bullet in your holster for the next time he wants a 'guys' night out or weekend. one thing every poster missed (maybe why those friends are not so hot on H): I met my husband in high school and we became friends. At that time I was dating an ex bf . My husband never liked Mike. ... let me know that I was too good for him. ... was always there for me. seems like H was submarining their relationship the entire time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 WOW i think we are going overboard. seriously does M really mean you have no freedom at all? this is more like a 'mini' high school reunion. what is wrong with meeting to 'catch up' and reminisce? and being HS in which boy/girl 'friends' were swapped with regularity: within groups... my god my W has friends from HS (this is now going back 30 years). i now get to ban her from these meetings? i did not go to her school so i have no interest in listening about x, y or z --- boring. i should not allow her that simple pleasure? oh i have the same situation with my HS friends. that being said, i am curious why it just 4 and it does seem more like a blind date. i would ask H if WE can go, totally honest with the set up. if he says yes, tell the group H is coming. if he says you can, not him: go, if it does turn to 'a date' be gracious, end it early (have you forgotten the old 'i have an early day tomorrow' or 'my kids wore me out today' or...) and then the next day or so express my disappointment to my girl friend for setting this up and to 'knock it off'. if he says you can't go, keep that bullet in your holster for the next time he wants a 'guys' night out or weekend. one thing every poster missed (maybe why those friends are not so hot on H): seems like H was submarining their relationship the entire time. She is married, hopefully happily. Her "friends" asking her to a lunch with a Ex Bf, who she has slept with, and telling her that her husband, who does not like the ex Bf, does not have to know is a betrayal. If I was the husband, I would at the least really mad, and upset. I would start questioning the whole relationship. It is one thing if she asked, if she could do this, it is another to sneak around a do this. Add the past sexual relationship, and only bad things can happen. SHE broke up with the exBF for a reason, seeing him with out tell her husband, is not a moral thing to do. I wish her luck..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Obviously, don't lie to your H. From your original post, it doesn't sound like these friends were around while you are Mike were together, so I'm skeptical of the idea they are planning a double date. I agree the suggestion from your friend to keep mum is not great...but all you need to do on that score is tell her that you share everything with your H. Of course, if you feel she is not supportive of your marriage then she's probably not a good person to keep around. What do you think is her motivation? Interesting that your H was trying to undermine your rel-ship with Mike from the beginning. Did Mike treat you really badly? You say you're happily married....but how does your H treat you now? How does he treat your friends? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 WOW i think we are going overboard. seriously does M really mean you have no freedom at all? this is more like a 'mini' high school reunion. what is wrong with meeting to 'catch up' and reminisce? and being HS in which boy/girl 'friends' were swapped with regularity: within groups... my god my W has friends from HS (this is now going back 30 years). i now get to ban her from these meetings? i did not go to her school so i have no interest in listening about x, y or z --- boring. i should not allow her that simple pleasure? oh i have the same situation with my HS friends. that being said, i am curious why it just 4 and it does seem more like a blind date. i would ask H if WE can go, totally honest with the set up. if he says yes, tell the group H is coming. if he says you can, not him: go, if it does turn to 'a date' be gracious, end it early (have you forgotten the old 'i have an early day tomorrow' or 'my kids wore me out today' or...) and then the next day or so express my disappointment to my girl friend for setting this up and to 'knock it off'. if he says you can't go, keep that bullet in your holster for the next time he wants a 'guys' night out or weekend. one thing every poster missed (maybe why those friends are not so hot on H): seems like H was submarining their relationship the entire time. Nah, i got that. I think YOU missed some things. OP was trying to figure out how to do something that would upset her husband, without upsetting him. Even thought about going behind his back to do it. She knows her husband wouldnt be ok with it, yet was brain storming on how to do it anyway. This has absolutely nothing to do with freedom, its about deliberately disrespecting your partner. She knows better then that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Obviously, don't lie to your H. From your original post, it doesn't sound like these friends were around while you are Mike were together, so I'm skeptical of the idea they are planning a double date. I agree the suggestion from your friend to keep mum is not great...but all you need to do on that score is tell her that you share everything with your H. Of course, if you feel she is not supportive of your marriage then she's probably not a good person to keep around. What do you think is her motivation? Interesting that your H was trying to undermine your rel-ship with Mike from the beginning. Did Mike treat you really badly? You say you're happily married....but how does your H treat you now? How does he treat your friends? Undermine? I don't know about that, some time there is genuine concern that a friend is with someone bad for them. I'm curious about her statement that he never forced her to break up with him, that is interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Hi All - Thanks for all the great responses. After some great advice & some time to think, i've decided not go meet them up. First and foremost out of love and respect for H. I'm going to try and elaborate more on my though process. I've been BFF with H since high school. At the time, I was dating ExBF. The reason H never liked ExBF was because throughout our 4 year relationship, ExBF would flirt with ALMOST every girl he meets (might not be a deal breaker for some, but that bothered me a lot), on top of that, whenever he bumps into girls he knows, he would never introduce me (i would end up introducing myself, and that drove me nuts). Also, because of our age difference (he's 4 years older), when he turned 21, he liked to hang out at bars and I was always left alone and therefore had a lot of time to hang out with H and complain about ExBF. H ended up always feeling bad for me (he was my sounding board). Main reason I wanted to meet with with my friends and ExBF for a get together was because ExBF was my first love, and I always felt bad that I broke his heart (his words) when I broke up with him. My friends do not know H personally. I met them (husband and wife) at an Ex company and they knew ExBF from high school (ExBF went to a different HS) H and I have a great marriage and I would be stupid to throw that away. Thanks again, everyone! Great community! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Lauren, one question though....how do you feel about your friends suggesting that you go behind your H back? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husbands buddies told him to go to a meet up with an EX that you never liked, knowing that they were suggesting he do this deceptively to the demise of a marriage. I know this sounds somewhat judgemental but actually, I'd like to see what your perspective is in your case. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Lauren your friends sound a little self centered, but nothing way out of the ordinary. Edit the advice here, it sounds like some want to watch your blow your friendships up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 I think this is weird...all of this bc of a highschool boyfriend? Just be honest with your H or ask him to go too. He really can't get over a guy he didn't like in high school? this whole thing sounds like high school. You're friends that are married probably don't think it's a big deal just a catch up lunch & that's that. Don't make a bigger issue where there isn't any. To H "I'd like to go with some old friends for lunch & Mike will be there too, would you like to go?" You've known your H for 19 years, if he doesn't trust you by now, you have bigger issues than going to a lunch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 I think this is weird...all of this bc of a highschool boyfriend? Just be honest with your H or ask him to go too. He really can't get over a guy he didn't like in high school? this whole thing sounds like high school. You're friends that are married probably don't think it's a big deal just a catch up lunch & that's that. Don't make a bigger issue where there isn't any. To H "I'd like to go with some old friends for lunch & Mike will be there too, would you like to go?" You've known your H for 19 years, if he doesn't trust you by now, you have bigger issues than going to a lunch. Yes, and that works. Ask the husband if he is all right with it. The big sticking point was going behind the husbands back, with the friends suggesting such. Things that are open and discussed between spouses, are usually good, things hidden and done in secret, are just bad, and do not lead to any good place in a marriage. Rule of thumb, if you have to hide it from your spouse, then it is the wrong thing to do. This applies to MONEY as well as relationships. My 2 cents...... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) I'm glad you decided not to go. Ex-lovers have no place in a marriage. None. Edited August 11, 2016 by Cephalopod 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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