I'll never love again

[Chuff]

Thanks guys for making me feel young. I just turned the big 4-0 recently and with the break up this year I have just been having a really rough time coping with everything. I have never been married and have no kids and just feel like most people have done those things by my age. I have never really put a timeline on things in my life but this year has made me really put things into perspective. I want to be happy and being alone does not make me happy. I have a supportive family and friends but at the end of the day I still go home to an empty house and that makes me sad. I hate to be such a Debbie Downer. I used to be a somewhat bubbly person but not too bubbly that I was annoying..ha! Life has just made me jaded now.

 

I didn't marry until I was 40 and just recently separated, but we're still excellent friends - we just grew apart.

 

The 40s is a great decade. I understand where you're coming from, so maybe take some time to love and nurture yourself. Re-invent yourself. Go on that adventure you've been dreaming about. Do something that makes you uncomfortable because that's when you grow as a person.

 

Sending hugs!!!!

[StalwartMind]

I think it's safe to say that most people don't enjoy loss, rejection, failure or negative experiences. Since life is so random and we can only influence things to a certain degree, I do believe it's healthy for everyone to understand that sometimes someone just is incredibly "unlucky".

 

If you've had every or most people leave or reject you, then it's no wonder your mind will be greatly affected by such in negative ways. It can make you question if there is something wrong with you or if you are just not meant to be with someone. The sad fact is that some people just don't run into the right person until a late age, that can be when they are in their thirties, fifties or even older. There just are no guarantees in life and no matter what we do or who we choose to spend our time on, everything can come to an end at any moment.

 

As such we all have a choice in regards to what we want to do. Personally I will never let any past experience dictate my desire for a future. I know it's not fun being hurt or having experienced loss of any kind, but I believe that there are plenty of great people out there who can provide me with great experiences. Everything really is about attitude, people who close off and believe that nothing good will happen to them, that usually ends up being the case. No matter what you do need to have some positive mindset, or you are never going to find what you may look for. This leads me to the one part which is very tricky, and that's finding someone who truly will care about you and will also keep showing that. Relationships do require effort there is no way around that, at least if you want to increase the chance of them lasting and being strong.

 

Communication I do believe is one if not the single most important part of any healthy relationship, because if you can do that without ending up in arguments or being at each others throat, plus you do share similar goals and interests, then there really shouldn't be much standing in your way. It doesn't matter if you are shy or someone who is extremely confident, knowing how to talk to someone and making them feel comfortable and safe is always a healthy trait. We all have different struggles or things we wish we were better at. Being able to handle difficult situations with composure usually yields better overall results.

 

A lot of things, such as reading the above I wrote may not be super exciting or interesting, but if people can actually find someone who is willing to consistently make an effort, and you both are fairly open minded and will respect each other, then all the more fun things will typically follow fast and there will be a lot less time spend on addressing the "less exciting" stuff. No matter what any of us do, it's good to remember that we'll never appeal to everyone and that is precisely as it should be as well. Sometimes we'll only manage to capture someone's attention for awhile, and at other times we may just hit jackpot and find someone who will appreciate all that we can offer, including the parts that perhaps are less than "ideal".

 

On a last note to everyone who is questioning life, love and all such, I will say something which has already been echoed in this thread. I think it's a shame if you give up on something you really would like to happen to you. Don't let the people win who gave you bad experiences, don't let them take away the joy or change who you are. None of us know who we will run into or when. Don't underestimate others or yourself, because everyone of us are capable of creating great things, but we do need to have the will to do so. The world needs more people that actually do care and will give a f*ck, because despite we live in a society where everything is disposable or replaceable, I will never think that way about people. Everyone is unique even if we may share a lot of similar traits. If people spend more time exploring each other and how their mind work, you'll easily notice small differences.

 

Old man ramblings even if I'm not that old \o/

[MzMelanie]

Well said StalwartMind. Your words are very wise and encouraging. Thank you very much. Reading your post has really made me feel better about things.

[SixxChick]

One of the problems with getting involved in a relationship in later years is that worlds collide. It's not like building a life together when you are in your 20's. By the time you reach 40 and beyond, the chances of meeting someone who is divorced, has kids, multiple families, commitments, etc., complicates things beyond the normal struggles that relationships have to overcome. You have to have thick skin sometimes to persevere with some people. But, once you've given it your all to someone at this point in your life and got majorly burned? It really makes you wonder. And I don't mean to sound like an old Led Zepplin song here. But this has been the case for me.

 

I have never been married. I don't have kids. But I have been open-minded enough to invite all of the aforementioned stuff into my life. But none of it has panned out. So I feel better just watching from the sidelines. If that's depressing to some, it's really not to me. Because I'd rather be happy on my own, than be a used doormat to someone just looking for a supply source. That's been the story of my life, and I want to write not just a new chapter, but a whole new book.

[SevenCity]

One of the problems with getting involved in a relationship in later years is that worlds collide. It's not like building a life together when you are in your 20's. By the time you reach 40 and beyond, the chances of meeting someone who is divorced, has kids, multiple families, commitments, etc., complicates things beyond the normal struggles that relationships have to overcome. You have to have thick skin sometimes to persevere with some people. But, once you've given it your all to someone at this point in your life and got majorly burned? It really makes you wonder. And I don't mean to sound like an old Led Zepplin song here. But this has been the case for me.

 

I have never been married. I don't have kids. But I have been open-minded enough to invite all of the aforementioned stuff into my life. But none of it has panned out. So I feel better just watching from the sidelines. If that's depressing to some, it's really not to me. Because I'd rather be happy on my own, than be a used doormat to someone just looking for a supply source. That's been the story of my life, and I want to write not just a new chapter, but a whole new book.

 

Wow that just depressed the crap out of me. . My ex was 41 (I'm 44) and neither of us had kids (both divorced though).

 

This is a lot of the reason I want to work it out. Finding someone without baggage at our age is nearly impossible. Then people look at us like we're nuts for not having kids.

 

I'm pretty young looking for my age so I'm hoping to get a girl in her 30s to start fresh. Unfortunatly, as much as freshmen girls always wanted an older senior, the same doesn't apply to guys in their 40s. I'm not looking to be a sugar daddy either - that's not my thing.

[SixxChick]

I'm pretty young looking for my age so I'm hoping to get a girl in her 30s to start fresh. Unfortunatly, as much as freshmen girls always wanted an older senior, the same doesn't apply to guys in their 40s. I'm not looking to be a sugar daddy either - that's not my thing.

 

Me too. I've always dated younger men. My ex was 14 years younger than me. I don't really see that as the problem as it was more an issue about immaturity. And not wanting to work things out, as you mentioned. Communication is key. I brought it, he bailed. It was a one-way street, and I now see I was just a sugar momma. But I allowed it. And that's something I have to come to terms with.

 

Consequently, since I always seem to have been the caretaker in relationships, my radar is too keen and I'm probably in a mindset now to expect too much to make up for all that was lacking. Does that make sense? I don't even know. All I DO know is that my heart has never been more guarded. Why else would I be on this forum pouring my soul out?

[Hoosfoos]

Oh no that is so sad please please don't deprive another great woman of the best you can be. Just because you were with someone who didn't appreciate it or didn't know how should not determine what you give to someone else.

 

Why else go into another relationship if not to be the best version of what you could me.

 

Oh this makes me so sad to read.

 

Sorry. You wouldn't believe the lengths I went to, to accommodate her needs.

[sooshi]

Sorry. You wouldn't believe the lengths I went to, to accommodate her needs.

 

Next time, ensure that your needs are being met too, and that you have a partner whose needs don't require you to go to unbelievable lengths to accommodate (and vice-versa).

[SevenCity]

Me too. I've always dated younger men. My ex was 14 years younger than me. I don't really see that as the problem as it was more an issue about immaturity. And not wanting to work things out, as you mentioned. Communication is key. I brought it, he bailed. It was a one-way street, and I now see I was just a sugar momma. But I allowed it. And that's something I have to come to terms with.

 

Consequently, since I always seem to have been the caretaker in relationships, my radar is too keen and I'm probably in a mindset now to expect too much to make up for all that was lacking. Does that make sense? I don't even know. All I DO know is that my heart has never been more guarded. Why else would I be on this forum pouring my soul out?

 

I know what you mean - like the bar has been set impossibly high for the next person.

 

For me the situation is different. My ex was everything I ever wanted before I knew I did. Our breakup wasn't planned by either but has caused possibly unrecoverable damage.

 

I was super hurt prior to meeting her by being used and tossed by another girl. I knew nothing about her at first. But for some reason I decided to say "F-it" and instead of setting expectations, making assumptions and guarding myself I just opened up and went with the flow. All the while not allowing the risks to affect my actions. I had never done this before - I always had a plan B and tried not to invest myself too much.

 

What resulted was the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had in my life. I knew a closeness and partnership that had eluded me my entire life.

 

The problem is now that I've experienced it, I don't want anything but.

 

Part of me wonders if the success of the RL (before we broke up of course) was not so much due to her but due to me. If it was me giving 100% trust and not thinking "I'm gonna get screwed like I always do when I fall for a girl" that allowed it to flourish.

 

I think she realizes this too but will only come back once it's too late. Right now she says she doesn't ever want a RL like this again because it is too painful. I get that, but I also get that eventually hurt subsides.

[sorano]

I'm 46 and got dumped 2+ years ago by someone that I gave every bit of myself to. I've accepted that she's gone - however I will not go above and beyond for anyone else, ever again, like I did for her. The best version of my self was a rejected, wasted effort. Never again.

 

Bingo. Thats exactly to the T how I feel. Your not alone

[sorano]

Honestly? society changed. Here in new york? Dating? HAAAAA. Good luck.

 

The word divorce now a days is thrown around like its nothing. People don't even try in some relationships and give up over the dumbest little things. Oh ok bye, no more, im not happy, etc etc. Everybody is replaceable and the grass is greener on the other side. People have been desensitized.

 

am I the only one thats left that still believed in fairy tales, love at first site, being loyal, truthful and all that good stuff? Romance? when I mention this to women, they look at me like I have two heads. OMFG a nice guy!!! what do I do!!! help!!!

 

I am DONE. Over. Nobody will love me as much as I do myself.

 

I am spoiling myself and I am back full swing in body building. My body is looking insane again. Its all good energy now and when I get pissed off again? It motivates me to go harder. I just want to thank my ex gf for doing this bc honestly, I am literally making myself into a better person. I am taking risk, and not scared of anything anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still a gentleman. Gentleman always carry a certain code and follow them. I am also not telling people to give up on finding someone. This is just whats working for me. I feel so much better that I am ending this relationship game. I'm free.

 

You will still see me at a lounge, cafe saturday nights dressed in slacks, sports jacket having a gin and tonic. Only difference is, I am not browsing or trying to pick up women.

Edited August 13, 2016 by sorano

[caregiver]

When I was a young man, I finally started dating my first real girlfriend. The homecoming queen. She sent me a "dear john' letter for my 18th birthday. I was in the military and far from home. Far from family and friends. I had to endure the pain by myself. I went running down the road, and I realized, I don't know where I am going or why I am running. It took me a long time to get over her.

 

I went home on leave and my father had a sit down with me.

He told me that the older you get, the more women there are who might be available. And it was true. And from what I see with my friends, even in their 50's, it is still true.

 

I was too picky. Always wanting perfection. I did marry near perfection a few years later and it has been a really good marriage.

 

I don't buy into the soulmate stuff. What I do believe is that there are many multiples of people out there who would be the right person for you.

 

Being in love is a wonderful thing. Lasting love takes work. A relationship requires communication. If you can't talk about any subject without fear, then you are not communicating.

 

7 billion people on this planet. If you cant find at least one that you like, you are not looking in the right places. You have to put yourself in places and situations where you will find like minded people of the opposite sex.

 

More important than sex, finances, looks, attitudes and everything else is one question. Do you enjoy each others company? Do you do things together other than argue or tune out in front of the tv?

 

Never give up looking. You may miss the perfect mate trying to get you to notice. If your head is hanging low and you are feeling sorry for yourself, you won't see them and likely drive them away.

[sorano]

100%. There is no such thing as "the one". You can fall in love over and over again. For those who want to continue that journey, caregiver is right.

 

Me, I am done. I honestly don't need another heart break. I don't want to invest my time like I just did again. I just cant and came to terms with it.

[SixxChick]

Honestly? society changed. Here in new york? Dating? HAAAAA. Good luck.

 

Same as in L.A. I can relate with your entire post.

 

Some refer to such posts as depressing. We who post them are being realistic.

[Majormisstep]

Morten, 41 is not old!

 

Even though I'm in the same camp as pretty much everyone else on this thread (won't meet anyone - doomed to a solitary life with my cat etc), I have to share this story.

 

A friend of mine who is a +10 Type A personality, divorced twice, extremely picky, demanding and would never settle for anything below exceptional levels in a partner, preached to me over the past 3 years that she had hope and faith she would find the perfect guy for her. I thought not in a million years would there be a man on this planet that would meet her criteria. She - in my mind - would definitely be alone forever. Not so. A friend of hers introduced her to a coworker and now they are over the moon, head over heels in love and a perfect match for each other.

 

As happy as I am for her it's making me feel that much more alone. All of my friends are now in new relationships. Good thing my cat likes to watch NFL football with me. Ugh.

[Newt86]

First post on these boards, but a long time reader.

 

I can relate to this whole thread. All my friends are either married or in new relationships. I stepped away from dating after my last heartbreak and just recently poked my head back up, only to have my heart beaten to a bloody pulp again. So I'm going to hang my hat up also. I am just going to concentrate on the one person who needs a lot of attention: Me.

[Bialy]

Honestly? society changed. Here in new york? Dating? HAAAAA. Good luck.

 

Same as in L.A. I can relate with your entire post.

 

Some refer to such posts as depressing. We who post them are being realistic.

 

Same as in Washington, D.C.

[bummer]

Next time, ensure that your needs are being met too, and that you have a partner whose needs don't require you to go to unbelievable lengths to accommodate (and vice-versa).

 

This thread is great. As I reflect on myself and I read some of the unhealthy codependency fellow posters share , i wonder if you give too much, can you actually push someone away?

 

100% effort is great in little league sports. But I side with others in so few words who argue the importance of boundaries, compromise, communication, shared expectations, and enjoying each other's company. I'll never give so much of my balance to another woman again. It's unhealthy.

 

Having a strong sense of self, knowing the limits of your efforts towards reciprocated needs, and having a sense of compromise to learn those limits together, these are keys to the balancing dance of a relationship. Perhaps stereotypically, the unnatural pace and culture of major cities, where immediate gratification is an uber ride away, doesn't allow real compromise or real independence to grow?

[SixxChick]

Sorry. You wouldn't believe the lengths I went to, to accommodate her needs.

 

Same for me with him, Hoosfoos. I'm guessing that we didn't establish requisite boundaries.

 

When I ask my trusted girlfriends, who know me well, why I allowed this to happen (and they all told me to dump my ex early on), they said it is because I have a big heart. Well, if that is the case, thanks to him, my heart has been tarnished. I hate him for that.

 

But I also have to take responsibility, and quit with the self-loathing, for being so blinded by love. And ignoring the red flags and not heeding the sage wisdom of my close friends.

 

In the meantime, it's hard to put your heart back out there when it can be so readily abused for whatever supply source a person might need.

[Hoosfoos]

Same for me with him, Hoosfoos. I'm guessing that we didn't establish requisite boundaries.

 

When I ask my trusted girlfriends, who know me well, why I allowed this to happen (and they all told me to dump my ex early on), they said it is because I have a big heart. Well, if that is the case, thanks to him, my heart has been tarnished. I hate him for that.

 

But I also have to take responsibility, and quit with the self-loathing, for being so blinded by love. And ignoring the red flags and not heeding the sage wisdom of my close friends.

 

In the meantime, it's hard to put your heart back out there when it can be so readily abused for whatever supply source a person might need.

 

To clarify, typical things I did for her were things like comforting her when her cat was deathly ill (she had texted me saying how sad she was), taking care of her when she was sick (Norovirus), dealing with a torrent of her vomiting when she had a bad reaction to pot brownies, taking her to the hospital and stayed by her side when she suffered from an intense bout of gastritis, picked up all the camping supplies for our summer trip when she was too busy with school, gave her a care package when she got braces for her teeth (as an adult, and she was in pain), picked up a laptop from her uncle across town when she was utterly swamped with assignments and losing her s#it, helped her rearrange her entire apartment (twice) when she was getting either new carpets or the place painted, buying a new modem and installing it when old one died and she was too busy and stressed with school to do it herself (with no time).

 

Before anybody brands me too much of a saviour with no boundaries, it is important to point out that she ASKED for support in most of these scenarios, and yes, she appeared grateful for having someone that would do these things for her. And who wouldn't do such things for someone they genuinely cared about? But it was always never enough. Her bitching and complaining was never ending.

 

These things were relatively easy things to do that make a huge difference in your partner's life, if you believe in the relationship. I guess they didn't mean that much to her since she dumped me immediately after getting her masters degree (one time there was even hell to pay when I "forgot" to commemorate one event of her schooling when I had to attend a work function). If I hadn't acted on the situations listed above, it would have made me a s#itty, lazy, complacent partner. I still maintain that part of her academic success was due to my logistical and moral support. I didn't even get to go to her convocation ceremony (she was sure to text me to tell me she when it was though - not an invitation). During all this, I was working on a degree of my own as a mature student, consolidated all my debts, and endured a couple of oral surgeries.

 

She bolted after my failure to get a job upon graduation. Like all women, she wanted to go after better prospects. I had to return to school to upgrade my qualifications (I just finished this year).

 

I'm done. No way I will ever go back on that hamster wheel again. I now live selfishly and will not make another person's needs my business. Writing this down is therapeutic for me. It reminds me what a s#itty person she is.

Edited August 17, 2016 by Hoosfoos

[sorano]

Same as in L.A. I can relate with your entire post.

 

Some refer to such posts as depressing. We who post them are being realistic.

 

It is being realistic. I tell people, this is just MY opinion and how I feel. We are all different. I, cannot go throw this again. I cannot go on dates anymore, start over, do the whole song and dance, I can't. some are stronger than me, some agree with me. Its getting really old and I am just exhausted.

 

Will I go out to find a date, join sites again, go out to lounges or whatever to find women? Absolutely not. No chance. lol. The rest of you who believe in the one, want a family, kid, and your dreams arent shattered, by all means, do it. I will smile and wish you all the luck and hope you guys a blessed life.

[Bialy]

I don't believe in "the one." With billions of people on this planet, I have to think there are a decent number of men out there who would be compatible to me. The problem, of course, is meeting another one.

 

Some days are better than others. This weekend I've been feeling like I might be OK living solo. Doing my own thing, maintaining friendships, building new friendships, continuing to enjoy my financial stability, continuing to take care of my health, maintaining ties with family members back home, etc.

 

But I know in a few days or so, I'll feel differently. It's a bit of a rollercoaster. I'll start to feel the void that I miss from sharing my life with someone.

 

I'm 34 w/o kids.

 

I just get deeply sad when I think about living my 70's and 80's on my own. Having a partner to grow old with - I keep my heart open to love and a new possibility for that reason.

[juniorrocha]

However, I think it's important to keep in mind that absolutely nothing lasts forever. That's just how life goes. I like to see it as when you were born, you're given a number of days, and it's your obligation to live them the best way possible. Because each day that goes away, you get closer to your final number.

 

With that said, we don't know what tomorrow is going to bring us. So let's enjoy today. You don't have to speculate whether love will ever appear in your life again or not, but you should live your life freely for whatever that comes. Especially if it's something that you want. I see that people here want to love. But are too afraid due past situations.

 

And this thread reminded me of Lykke Li's latest album, "I Never Learn", which is about the pain of breaking up. In fact, there's even a song called "Never Gonna Love Again". 2 years later and guess what? She's pregnant (or had her baby, not sure), is now dating some guy, and is building a family with him.

 

You never know what tomorrow will give you. Don't use the word never, it's too strong and it reinforces negativity. Keep your mind open, be happy with what you are and are given. Easier said than done, but that's the only way to enjoy your days until the last one comes up.