Scratches and bruise on his body

[NomiMalone]

I saw scratches on my boyfriend's chest and a bruise in the middle of his lower back. The scratches have been present for a good few days, but the bruise I have just discovered (which is not to say that it hasn't been there for a few days).

 

Apart from that, I have no real concerns as to his faithfulness.

 

He shaves in chest regularly so the scratches may have come from shaving.

 

I'm hesitant to ask him about the scratches and bruise in fear of being offensive and out of line. (He is a kind, loving, good natured person.)

 

Should I raise it with him? And if so, how do I do it in a non-accusatory manner? Or am I just being paranoid? What would you guys do?

[JewelD]

I think you can tell the difference between sex scratches and shaving nicks. If you're not sure, don't say anything.

 

Even if they are from sex, it's doubtful he will admit to it anyway. But do ask yourself why cheating even came up in your mind if he is a nice and good natured man?

[NomiMalone]

Thanks JewelD. When I think of my own nicks from shaving my legs, they are definitely not in the form of longish scratches. So it would appear that his scratches are unlikely to be from shaving his chest. The only other thing I could think of was that he could be scratching in his sleep.

 

My comment on his nice nature was more to do with not wanting to be offensive to him in my approach if I confront him. I believe that when it comes to the crunch, even the "nicest" people are capable of infidelity.

 

Totally agree though, to not say anything unless I'm sure.

[NomiMalone]

It also just popped into my head - I recently saw by accident that one of the recent destinations on his phone GPS was a hotel in the city centre. I saw it when we were driving and he needed me to look up a route.

 

It could be completely innocent as for work, he sometimes has to meet/pick up clients from interstate and it could just well be that clients were staying at the hotel. He doesn't give much details about his day at work.

 

None of this makes me feel comfortable.

[NomiMalone]

Double post - my apologies!

[ChickiePops]

Wait..why won't you ask him about it again? I don't really understand...

[Chuff]

The next time you're together and he doesn't have a shirt on, gently touch the scratches/bruise and say something like, "Ouch! What happened here?" in a concerned tone.

 

Based on his response, follow your gut.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been together?

 

I would just ask him casually what happened. I know I have had random scratches or bruises and it certainly doesn't mean I was with another man. And yes, I am referring to marks on my torso.

 

Something in you doesn't trust him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm the first one who often advises not to over think/analyze things or jump to conclusions BUT I'm also someone who firmly believes in listening to one's gut. You clearly have a battle going on internally regarding your boyfriend's loyalty which should raise some red flags. Your gut is never wrong and more often than not, where there is smoke there is fire.

 

I think Chuff provided a decent suggestion about how to bring up the conversation about his scratches if only to gauge his response. Sometimes you just need to hear how they respond before making further assumptions. But be warned that even if he is guilty of something he will never admit straight up.

 

Good luck.

 

Regardless,

[Lois_Griffin]

It also just popped into my head - I recently saw by accident that one of the recent destinations on his phone GPS was a hotel in the city centre. I saw it when we were driving and he needed me to look up a route.

 

It could be completely innocent as for work, he sometimes has to meet/pick up clients from interstate and it could just well be that clients were staying at the hotel. He doesn't give much details about his day at work.

 

None of this makes me feel comfortable.

Wow, he's sure got you snowed into thinking he's a choir boy. Worse yet, you're afraid of your own shadow and won't ask him what the hell is going on.

 

He's walking around with long obvious scratch marks on his chest and hasn't even TALKED about it to you. Who does that? He obviously knows you're too timid to ask, so he doesn't even have to lie to you about it.

 

Find your voice and stand up for yourself.

[Dis]

Ok...I have a personal experience to share

 

When I was with my ex (we were in a LTR) he took off his shirt one day and I saw tons of scratched on his back

 

Right when I saw them I asked him what happened

 

He told me I did it the last time we had sex

 

Hmmm...considering we hadnt had sex in two weeks...I'm pretty sure that wasnt me..he gaslighted me all the time so I stupidly surrendered and made myself believe I was the cause of the scratches

 

Like another poster mentioned...bring the scratches up casually....and gauge his repsonse..but do keep in mind that a cheater will never...ever...tell you the truth (After I broke up with my bf I found out he was cheating...of course)

 

End point..follow your gut

 

Best of luck hun

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for your wise words. So I got ready this morning to take Chuff's advice and enquire in a concerned manner about his bruise. But it has faded and so has the scratches... to the point that it would be weird to bring them up.

 

I acknowledge I find it difficult to trust in my relationship. This partly stems from my own anxious attachment style and also my boyfriend being a man of few words when it comes to chatting about his day etc. I genuinely believe that if I were a less secure, younger woman, I wouldn't be able to handle his lack of communication and emotional reassurance.

 

I am going to work on my trust issues but at the same time, I'm also going to keep my eyes and ears open.

 

I agree that a cheater will never tell you the truth if you question them up front, and if you ever arrive at a point where you feel a need to snoop/follow your partner, you may be better off not being in the relationship.

[smackie9]

Not only work on your insecurity/trust issues, but also encouraging your partner to communicate better with you. Me and my husband have a good chat/vent about our day over a beer when we get home from work everyday. Should give it a try.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks smackie9, we do do that as well - in fact I "enforce" it when I moved into his place and it has become routine. When we first started dating, he said so little that I started researching current events and fun fact type things to chat about before a dinner date to draw him into conversation and avoid awkward silences. I feel we have come a long way from that, although I still feel he doesn't talk about about the ins and outs of his working day, or anything, really. I have come to accept that this is just "him".

 

So a general update for all - I found an opportunity to raise the hotel GPS mystery and to my relief, he cleared it up. He said it was for a recent work conference and he actually did briefly tell me about it at the time. I was the one who'd forgotten!

 

But this saga is far from over - I found what I'm pretty sure is a small lipstick stain on our bedsheet this morning in a completely different colour to what I wear. It came off when I scrubbed it with my finger and a bit of water, so it seems to be a recent stain. I remember finding a smidgeon of the same substance on the edge of our kitchen bin when I came home one evening 2 months ago and was completely mystified. (Like someone had thrown something into the bin with that substance on it but it swiped the edge).

 

After much thought, I have decided not to raise it with him, as that alone is not enough ground to stand on. And I would hate to throw a perfectly good relationship away over a mistake.

 

Will continue to keep my eyes open for now.

[NomiMalone]

Disillusionment373, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry to hear of your experience. I'm glad he is no longer in your life! I'll never understand why people like that even enter relationships in the first place!

 

 

Ok...I have a personal experience to share

 

When I was with my ex (we were in a LTR) he took off his shirt one day and I saw tons of scratched on his back

 

Right when I saw them I asked him what happened

 

He told me I did it the last time we had sex

 

Hmmm...considering we hadnt had sex in two weeks...I'm pretty sure that wasnt me..he gaslighted me all the time so I stupidly surrendered and made myself believe I was the cause of the scratches

 

Like another poster mentioned...bring the scratches up casually....and gauge his repsonse..but do keep in mind that a cheater will never...ever...tell you the truth (After I broke up with my bf I found out he was cheating...of course)

 

End point..follow your gut

 

Best of luck hun

[JDPT]

I kinda think that if he wasn't hiding anything he would simply say something to the effect of "oh I got these blah blah" but the fact that he has not said anything and is perhaps waiting for you to take the initiative tells me something may be going on. I can be wrong of course.

[Poutrew]

 

But this saga is far from over - I found what I'm pretty sure is a small lipstick stain on our bedsheet this morning in a completely different colour to what I wear. It came off when I scrubbed it with my finger and a bit of water, so it seems to be a recent stain. I remember finding a smidgeon of the same substance on the edge of our kitchen bin when I came home one evening 2 months ago and was completely mystified. (Like someone had thrown something into the bin with that substance on it but it swiped the edge).

 

After much thought, I have decided not to raise it with him, as that alone is not enough ground to stand on. And I would hate to throw a perfectly good relationship away over a mistake.

 

Will continue to keep my eyes open for now.

 

 

Okay, this really is a cause for concern. First, before you resort to drastic measures, wrack your brain for alternate possibilities. Could it be: paint, candle wax, crayon, chewing gum, food stain, blood, etc,...? If he is bringing in another woman and banging her in the same bed you are sleeping in, it means he has absolutely no respect, let alone love, for you. It also sounds like this is a regular occurrence. You got lucky with the lipstick stain, but my guess is he is boffing her quite often, when he knows you aren't home. If you want to find out, get a small, USB digital voice recorder (DVR) and place it under the bed or in some out of the way place he wont be aware of, and my guess is, you wont have to wait long for your answer. You can get them on Amazon for around $20 and they work amazingly well, and are simple to operate. But I do warn you, be prepared for what you will be listening to... I can already tell you, you wont like it...

[NomiMalone]

Poutrew, many thanks for your thoughts and suggestion.

 

First of all, I am 99% sure the substance on the bed sheet and bin was not paint, blood, chewing gum etc.

 

As for the DVR suggestion - I do think this is the most practical solution so far for my dilemma. The only things I'm afraid of are that:

 

1) it's a gross invasion of his privacy should he prove to be innocent.

 

2) What if he's already sensed my suspicion due to my query earlier about the hotel GPS thing and simply takes his cheating elsewhere?

 

3) What if I keep it going for weeks and find nothing? This alone does not mean he didn't cheat. When does the snooping stop?

 

Maybe the right thing to do would be to just leave him, given that my trust for him has been totally shattered by the lipstick discovery on the sheet. But I would just hate to walk away from an otherwise perfectly good relationship with no solid proof of infidelity.

 

Thing is I can't even casually ask him about the lipstick as I have already scrubbed it off in an effort to identify what it was, and so have zero ground to stand on.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks JDPT, I do think your point is very valid. However, with my boyfriend being a "man of few words", his lack of explanation for the scratches was not out of character. Scrambling to offer explanations on the other hand, would have raised a giant red flag.

 

I kinda think that if he wasn't hiding anything he would simply say something to the effect of "oh I got these blah blah" but the fact that he has not said anything and is perhaps waiting for you to take the initiative tells me something may be going on. I can be wrong of course.

[NomiMalone]

Just wanted to add - the lipstick stain I found on the sheet was small and can easily be missed. It was towards the end of the bed on one side, just a tad larger than a third of an inch in "diameter". A tiny spot had seeped on to the mattress protector below.

[Hopeful714]

Are you sure this was lipstick? I'm finding it hard to believe lipstick would seep through a sheet to a matress pad. I just don't see that happening. Get the var.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks Hopeful714. That's the thing - I'm just not sure. The colour of the substance was a darkish shade of magenta. Maybe it was one of those "liquid" lipsticks that get applied with a wand, and I suspect the spot of seepage onto the mattress protector occurred when I cleaned the stain with water. (I only ever use the "normal" lipsticks in tubes so I'm not familiar with the consistency of other types of lipsticks). But then again, a substance like that would be highly staining on fabric (even after a wash) and so why am I not finding it all over the bed/towels/his clothes?

 

I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

With the DVR, I am seriously considering going down this route. However it's not a decision I believe I should take lightly, because I feel it's highly offensive and an intrusion of privacy akin to hacking into someone's phone. Particularly when I don't actually feel an "off" vibe from him and he is a genuinely great guy who has always prioritised me and our relationship in his life.

 

If he discovers the DVR, he would be so hurt and livid (and rightfully so), to the point he'd find it hard to trust me or feel comfortable in our own home. I don't know if I can take that chance without more concrete evidence of infidelity.

[h0000]

Thanks Hopeful714. That's the thing - I'm just not sure. The colour of the substance was a darkish shade of magenta. Maybe it was one of those "liquid" lipsticks that get applied with a wand, and I suspect the spot of seepage onto the mattress protector occurred when I cleaned the stain with water. (I only ever use the "normal" lipsticks in tubes so I'm not familiar with the consistency of other types of lipsticks). But then again, a substance like that would be highly staining on fabric (even after a wash) and so why am I not finding it all over the bed/towels/his clothes?

 

I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

With the DVR, I am seriously considering going down this route. However it's not a decision I believe I should take lightly, because I feel it's highly offensive and an intrusion of privacy akin to hacking into someone's phone. Particularly when I don't actually feel an "off" vibe from him and he is a genuinely great guy who has always prioritised me and our relationship in his life.

 

If he discovers the DVR, he would be so hurt and livid (and rightfully so), to the point he'd find it hard to trust me or feel comfortable in our own home. I don't know if I can take that chance without more concrete evidence of infidelity.

You would rather spy on him then TALK TO HIM?? If the relationship is like this I really don't think it should continue. I'm speechless that you are too scared to just ASK HIM. Are you actually just too scared to find out the possible truth that he may be cheating?

 

 

Is his place your property? If not, doesn't it violate the law by installing cameras?

 

 

You are not going to have peace if you don't ASK HIM! You will forever be in doubt. Express your concerns to him! If he can't handle this issue, if he blows up just because you have doubts, then he is not going to be a good partner who can be with you long term.

[NomiMalone]

h0000, thanks and I completely understand where you're coming from about asking. The reason I haven't asked is because I don't believe cheaters will ever tell the truth when asked. I don't think asking will bring me any peace - in fact, it'll be the opposite. Asking may just alert the partner to your suspicion and they might just take their activities underground. I've read so many threads on here where people have queried their partners and have come away more confused than ever.

 

We live together in a rented property. And yes, I agree that the recording stuff (it'd be just audio, not visual) does not sit well with me, at this stage.

[NomiMalone]

And to answer your question about fear of finding out the truth - at this stage I'm more afraid of falsely accusing him and losing a great relationship, than being cheated on. IMO (and I know this will sound strange) being cheated on is not the worst thing in the world. It is not something within our control. It says nothing about me and everything about him. It will suck nonetheless, but I can always pick myself up eventually and start again. Cheating is never forgivable (in my books) however, and I need to find out so I know whether to stay in my relationship or leave.

Edited August 15, 2016 by NomiMalone