Boyfriend's family using him financially

[minxx]

I just joined this community to get an answer regarding an awkward topic that I need to bring up to my boyfriend.

 

It has been causing me stress and making me feel physically sick, resentful and upset.

 

First off we have been dating 3 and a half years, planning on moving out soon (supposed to be spring but keeps getting postponed).I love my boyfriend dearly he's such a good person and we want to marry each other and have kids within the next five years. (we're both 27). I love his family and they are very welcoming and kind to me, so everything is good on that aspect.

 

I have noticed in the past that he has paid for his sisters education $10,000, paid for her to drive a brand new lexus and gave her a down payment for that $10,000 and she was barely 20 years old! She disrespects me and talks down to him and is very ungrateful for all he has done which pisses me off. He bought his brother a car and then his brother crashed that so he bought him a second car and his brother sold that car and kept the money for it and bought another car which he drove until he got a dui. He has paid for his parents deck to be built tickets for his parents to fly back home, expensive tvs so much more but cant think off the top of my head. Whenever his parents ask him for money he gives it without blinking an eye. He still lives with them and they get into fights with him and tell him to move out etc after he pays for everything! His parents never ask for money from his perfect capable brother and sister. but my boyfriend has to pay his share and their share as well.

 

I also found out him his brother and sister pay the parents $140 per month for life insurance they took out on all the children. So they can collect money if they die. My boyfriend doesnt even know what he's giving his money away for monthly when i asked him. He even told his mom he doesnt wan that anymore because he's savings ( so am I) so we can move out finally snd start our own lives.

 

I found out today he's paying for his brother to have a blower machine put into his vehicle because his brother isn't working now but is in his early 20s and more than capable of working. He's also paying his brothers cell bill etc. His parents even fight with him from time to time about land my boyfriend purchased in their home country that is an investment and is growing in value every year. His parents want him to sign the land over to them for less than 1/4 of the cost he paid!!!!!! Im getting beyond frustrated with all of this.

 

I know Im not his wife and cant tell him what to do with his finances blah blah blah but i cant hold this in anymore. I want to start a life soon and when we have kids or get married i don't want my kids or my family missing out on things in life because his family is taking advantage of him financially. I think its sickening his parents use him when they seen him trying to save to buy his own house and have his own family finally. They always make comments "when you moving out, you should own your own home by now" and "you should have children by now" but how the hell is he supposed to do that when they just take take take from him?

 

I feel like I don't want to continue this if this is how it will always be, I am not paying for his family when their above middle class and make more than both my parents while i am starting my career and life. My parents never ask me for a dime and make less than his. I really need to say something to him and know it will be a fight but i don't care, I just don't even know how to approach speaking to him. It also makes me upset his own family ****s on him and uses him, i hate watching people be used nevermind the man i love.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on what to say?I appreciate any and all advice

[CarrieT]

You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time.

 

When/If you two really decide to move in together is when you can start talking about finances. At that point, you should each contribute 50/50 towards rent, household expenses, and utilities.

 

Beyond that, what he does with his money is his business.

 

As long as he is completing his financial responsibilities towards you, than you have no right to say anything about where the rest of his money goes.

[scooby-philly]

Ok - two distinct thoughts here

 

1. Where does he get all this money? I mean even at a salary of like 125-150k a year (if he's on Wall Street or really really good with tech and at a solid company) after taxes, his own rent, car, phone, etc - that would be a lot of the rest of his money to give away. Just curious

 

2. I disagree with CarrieT's viewpoint for two solid reasons - You've been together for 3 1/2 years and you're already talking about marriage and kids. I agree with her sentiment - there's a threshold you have to cross in a relationship before you can start intervening in that sort of stuff, but I believe you've already crossed it.

 

You haven't described enough about him and his family for me to be sure of the exact dynamics - but he could be looking to win their praise, come off as the nice guy, or something could have happened where he was emotionally lead to believe he had to take care of his family.

 

Regardless, (and I can relate to a lot of this - though not on the expensive car thing) if you are already 3 1/2 year in and are talking moving in together, marriage, family, then you owe it to yourself (and to him) to at least ask him why he does it. He may say he's only doing it b/c he can and he'll stop when you move in together or get married. Even that I would be concerned w/ because his sister already feels entitled and ungrateful based on what you've described.

 

And, it appears that his relationship with his parents is a bit messed up. I mean, it's one thing to take care of your parents when they become old & feeble or to do a big surprise for their 25, 30,, 50 anniversary or for a big birthday - but it appears that they've lost perspective on him being the son and that may never change.

 

I'd personally hurry up and have that conversation. You've already invested a lot of time into this - if he can't break free or doesn't see a problem, you may want to face the broken heart now rather than 5 years down the line.

[Gaeta]

I also wonder where he is getting all that money? At 27 only and throwing 10k left and right and this since he is 20?

[Els]

You mentioned "in their home country", so I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your bf is from an Asian culture (or similar, maybe Middle Eastern?).

 

Adult children giving money to their parents and younger siblings is the norm in some cultures, this is usually in return for the parents supporting them through college so they graduate debt-free. This is different from Western cultures where both parties typically are financially independent of each other as soon as the kid turns 18. Your bf's expenditure on his family does strike me as rather above the norm (even for Eastern cultures), but since it sounds like he's the eldest child and also fairly well-off, it isn't entirely unusual.

 

If this is part of his culture, you are not going to be able to change him. It isn't viewed as 'using' them in some cultures, it's viewed as 'duty' and 'filial piety'. You need to decide whether you will be okay with this or not, because it WILL carry on for the rest of his life, even after you get married. If you aren't okay with it, now's the time to bail.

[Els]

1. Where does he get all this money? I mean even at a salary of like 125-150k a year (if he's on Wall Street or really really good with tech and at a solid company) after taxes, his own rent, car, phone, etc - that would be a lot of the rest of his money to give away. Just curious

 

I'm guessing he doesn't pay rent, since she mentioned he lives with them.

[Tribble]

Why hasn't he moved out yet? If he wants to and his parents are asking him to move out? You say he is saving so you two can move in together but with all the money he's throwing about, surely he can afford this already? What's the hold up?

[sunshine2]

This would drive me crazy too and I think you have received some good advice. First, if you are going to move in together soon, then it is important to discuss finances BEFORE you move in together. You need to know who is paying what and how you are going to deal with checking accounts, etc. So I don't think it is to soon to have that discussion.

 

For the other stuff, it sounds like he has put off moving because his savings account is hit with the big expensive stuff he is buying for his siblings and paying his parents. At the rate he is going he will never have the money to buy a house. Maybe you can convince him to rent a place with you first? That would get him out of the home and hopefully out of all the money he is dishing out so he might be able to save some to buy a home. Im assuming you also are contributing to the savings for the home since it is going to be for the both of you.

 

But I do caution you that since he seems not to be able to say NO to his family, this will continue to happen even if he is on his own. It sounds like it is expected of him. Unless he cuts all ties to them, there is really nothing you can do to make it stop. He has to want to make it stop and start standing up for himself and say NO.

 

I wish you the best, but I really don't see that part getting any better.

[smackie9]

Me personally, this would be a deal breaker. There's no way I would be involved with someone who needlessly spends that kind of money on deadbeat family members. And to boot, be disrespected by them because i was looked at as competition for his money. **Also being lied to about it and hiding it.

 

Love will not save you from this mess, but walking away will. I wouldn't believe his words if I were you.

[kendahke]

You two living together or getting married isn't going to stop this dynamic. He'll just find a way to hide it from you to keep from hearing your mouth about it. It's been in train for a whole lot longer than you being in his life. So there's that. Learn to deal with it or find someone else.

[JewelD]

So he's got tens of thousands of dollars to blow but he has to save up to move out?

 

He must not really want to move out.

[scooby-philly]

I'm guessing he doesn't pay rent, since she mentioned he lives with them.

 

Yeah - I wrote having forgotten she mentioned he lives with his parents. And good call out too on the cultural thing. I completely missed that part - he could be foreign born.

 

Regardless, it appears to be a sore point with her and she needs to address it now and not wait.

 

Personally I hate people making those kind of assumptions about how something should work, etc. Guess that's why I'm finding life in corporate hard.

[longjohn]

Regardless of culture I'd suggest talking to your bf and pointing out the obvious if something happened to him tomorrow and the cash flow dried up everyone of them are in the poor house again. He should be teaching them to fish not blindly feeding them. I can understand wanting to help family but you have to draw the line. Luxury items and wasting money on people that won't or don't work I don't think so. He should understand if he keeps this up he'll forever be their piggy bank and I think in the end he'll lose you.

[Ruby Slippers]

So he's got tens of thousands of dollars to blow but he has to save up to move out?

 

He must not really want to move out.

Seriously!

 

His dynamic with his family isn't likely to change much, if any. This has been ingrained his whole life. You need to either accept the bad along with good, or move on. If you complain about this, it will probably just lead to arguments.

 

I've heard that the big 3 topics you need to agree on with your partner are family, money, and sex. Make sure you can find a place of agreement on these points before you make a greater commitment.

[Els]

Yeah - I wrote having forgotten she mentioned he lives with his parents. And good call out too on the cultural thing. I completely missed that part - he could be foreign born.

 

Regardless, it appears to be a sore point with her and she needs to address it now and not wait.

 

I agree completely. The fact that it is (most likely) cultural doesn't mean that the OP should just put up with it. I brought that up because I wanted to point out that he is unlikely to change even after her talking to him about it. They might be able to work out a compromise where he reduces the AMOUNT he gives them, but the general dynamic will not change. Especially if he is the eldest son (as I gather), in some cultures it is expected that the eldest son will take over as 'head of the family' after the father retires or passes away (which basically means providing for two families - his birth family and his family by marriage). I have never agreed with this aspect of my culture, but it is the way it is and some people comply with it.

 

So if the OP doesn't feel it's right for him to be giving his parents money, she should seriously reconsider being with him.

[LexiB]

Ok - two distinct thoughts here

 

1. Where does he get all this money? I mean even at a salary of like 125-150k a year (if he's on Wall Street or really really good with tech and at a solid company) after taxes, his own rent, car, phone, etc - that would be a lot of the rest of his money to give away. Just curious.

 

If he worked on Wall Street, he'd be making more than that.