I lost the one I love

[benpom]

I grew up in a family with dysfunctional relationships, where everyone was constantly put down by each other, and I was at the bottom of the food chain. I was taught to study and work, to not communicate or to enjoy life. I grew up believing I was very ugly, because I was constantly told so at home. Later in life I realized I was not ugly because many girls and guys complimented my look. (My parents are actually not mean people. They love me and my siblings. They simply acted this way because of their environment.)

 

When I met him, it was kind of love at first sight. I thought I might have finally met the one, then shortly after we started dating, he mentioned his ex fondly… That really hurt me. It is not betrayal, but it gave me the level of pain similar to a betrayal situation.

 

I could not open my heart to him anymore afterwards. I trusted him in everything else, except with my heart. We had fights over this ex issue a lot. I was disappointed by his reaction to this matter and things escalated every time. When he told me he was still thinking about sleeping with her after we got married, it really crushed me. I could literally feel the pain in my chest. I still feel the pain whenever I am reminded of these words. On the other hand, he said since he could not convince me he did not have feelings for her for many years, he thought it was better to just admit fault then ask for forgiveness.

 

After a lot of conflicts with lots of anger from both sides, he gave up and left me.

 

After my anger settled down, I started wondering how my life failed so miserably and how to move forward. I went to therapists. After some time, I started realizing how my childhood baggage affected my life, my career and all my relationships with people. I realized I was far from being a good girlfriend or a good wife. I was not even a good friend to my friends often times. I could have been a better mother too. I could also have been a better coworker. I realized how terrible I was at communication and many other things. I realized how those negative habits and views of mine from early life were holding me back from everything - parenting, relationship, career and everything.

 

Shortly after he left me, I started missing him. Despite the fact that he hurt me a lot, I still love him. I miss the times he was happy, but I can't remember when was the last time he was happy with me. I feel sad to see him sad or tired. I wish I could have being nicer to him when we were together. If there was no ex issue, he really would be the perfect husband I can think of: he is supportive, caring, he loves our children, and we share the same dream about future.

 

I have forgiven him but I think he does not forgive me. He probably does not love me anymore, because I hurt him a lot. I know he hates me.

 

Long time ago, I read that we grow up when we lose something we truly care about. Now I can say that I have lived the experience.

 

I am more or less at peace with my situation now. In the past few months, I read a lot about relationship to help me move forward. Now I hope my experience can shed light to some people. If you can perform the miracle to reunite my family together, I will certainly appreciate it very very very much.

Edited August 10, 2016 by benpom
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[sandylee1]

If my husband said he still wanted to sleep with his Ex or thought about it, I would divorce him. That's just far too disrespectful.