! A (lame) question about behavior after sex...

[Coldfire]

elaine567

 

I totally expect to be wowed by a lover and since he didn't provide that I left. The question is why he keeps texting now. I will never understand men.

 

It looks like I definitely can't deal with FWB or FB but I think I knew this already. Thank you for your perspective.

 

And as he even admits to being highly promiscuous, then the OP may be well down his list of women he wants to sleep with even if he did get horny in a few hours time.

He also has a drinking problem which may have meant he may have "lost" the next few days...

 

The assumption here by the OP is that the OP is someone that this man would be wowed by, and that she somehow deserves "communication" and "attention", when the reality may be that next day he went "meh!", or that "love them and leave them" is his MO.

Just because she doesn't want a relationship and she wants "casual" or a FWB relationship, does not necessarily mean she is someone he wants to see again.

 

I guess some men want NSA sex as that is exactly what it is; NSA.

There is no need to jump through hoops, no need to spare "feelings", no need to "communicate" (not in the way many women want to "communicate" anyway), no need to set up extravagant dates, no need to lavish attention, no need to have long in-depth talks or engage in petty arguments.

 

What it sounds like the OP wants is a bf, not Mr Right, but Mr RightNow.

[stillafool]

Ok maybe I'm judging a but but in a very friendly way! It is just because when I was in grad school I could never hang out at bars and drink that much and wouldn't even think about Tinder. Grad school is a serious job.

 

As I said, he was very hot and intelligent, sex was amazing and I told him this several times! I don't want a rich f-body and am much more impressed by a good lover than by a well paying job! I just felt like he was acting cool and waiting to see if I would beg to see him again. I don't like such games. Yes, I am having second thoughts but it looks like I did the right thing.

 

Who cares? It was just casual sex and he's probably over it by now. You are overthinking this. He's not what you want so go find it!

[stillafool]

Gaeta,

 

Thank you for your comments and I understand that what I want is difficult to find and that this guy can't provide it. However, I would totally not sleep again with someone if he is not showering me with compliments and sharing his excitement about the sex and me the next day. This is just how I am. This is what I need. I have another lover I am seeing occasionally who does exactly this and everything is perfect. We contact each other occasionally, treat each other with respect and admiration and sex is just breathtaking. I can not imagine my life with this man and I am sure he feels the same way but we create this perfect romance when we are together.

 

^^^^^Then this is the guy you need to be with. Why were you having sex with the alcoholic?

[Coldfire]

Redhead14

 

What is the problem with temporary highs and wanting passion, even creating it when necessary? I am very rational and successful in my professional life, and with my family and friends. I have had successful long term relationships. This is just what I need right now and it is not impossible to find.

 

 

 

 

I am far more interested in romance with a person I don't know or understand completely -- I thought you couldn't be more contradictory than you have been throughout this thread, until I read this . . .

 

That's not romance . . . that's hormones and endorphins and living on temporary highs. You are confused to a spectacular degree.

 

Please listen to most of us here, you need to back off dating or whatever it is you are trying to do until you get some clarity for yourself.

 

if he was willing to sustain the illusion of romance -- Hire an actor. You want a guy to pretend to be in love with you and treat you like a woman he respects and adores and who inspires passion in him while knowing all you want is to get laid without any emotion from you. Paleeze.

[Coldfire]

^^^^^Then this is the guy you need to be with. Why were you having sex with the alcoholic?

 

stillafool

 

Good point. I see him once a month and wouldn't want to see him more than this. I would like to have another lover so I thought the alcoholic may be a good option .

[Redhead14]

Redhead14

 

What is the problem with temporary highs and wanting passion, even creating it when necessary? I am very rational and successful in my professional life, and with my family and friends. I have had successful long term relationships. This is just what I need right now and it is not impossible to find.

 

All the best to you in your search.

[Coldfire]

Versacehottie

 

You captured the way I feel so well. What you wrote here has been the most helpful advice I have received.

 

You said it perfectly, I do need date-like behaviour from a hookup type arrangement. Most men and women would never understand this but some really appreciate it. I want to add that this is not really an act or a lie. I am a very intense person and typically immerse myself completely in everything I do. People normally either love or hate me. I know that what I want is a lover I share beautiful and powerful experiences with, challenge intellectually and pursue sexual fantasies with. I don't want this to translate into a serious relationship because, frankly, this kind of intensity can not be sustained in a serious, committed relationship. I actually think men understand this better than most women do and are more likely to be as commitment-phobic as I am, even if for different reasons.

 

Thanks again for your message, I really appreciated the fact that you did not judge me for my somewhat untraditional needs and expectations.

 

 

You can make your own rules but if he plays by another set of them, then there will be a disconnect between you two.

 

I think wanting date-like behavior from a hookup type arrangement is not what you will typically get, which I think is what a lot of people are saying, ie the majority of people play by the other set of rules.

 

You should probably keep your search going so maybe you can find someone who wants no commitment but will treat you like you are dating. I think both of those things are at odds though so it may be a tough ask OR a long search.

 

But if you think about it like this: the "search" will satisfy your goal; you will keep getting hookups where the first or second time may have a date like quality and then you keep it moving. As long as you realize that your "process" can sort this dilemma out for you. As a matter of fact, I think its a strategy guys use as a no brainer--date with first goal to hookup and not really in a place to commit to a relationship so they jump from short term thing to short term thing, effectively hookups disguised as dates. As a distant goal, they are evaluating the person for a real relationship but it takes a lot for it to stick if that's possible at all; sometimes they are not honest with themselves or the people they are dating about their intentions because they have trouble understanding the intentions themselves. It's less common for a woman to do it, but you could do that. And get what you want from the process rather than a person. Not exactly the clearest of intentions BUT it is a solution. I feel like if you keep using tinder for your dates, they are effectively on notice about this as a potential outcome.

 

I think the one person you need to make sure you aren't lying to is yourself. I think biologically it's pretty hard for the majority of women to just hookup without having feelings. In fact, your thread is almost a conformation of that, ie you want someone who will "date" you and make you feel like he's got feelings for you and should be someone suitable for a relationship even though you SAY you don't want to act on that portion of it for your own reasons.

[stillafool]

stillafool

 

Good point. I see him once a month and wouldn't want to see him more than this. I would like to have another lover so I thought the alcoholic may be a good option .

 

Well now you know he isn't the one. I agree with whomever said you should hire an actor/escort to pretend he's in love with you while having sex. Otherwise you are going to be disappointed unless you stick with your current once a month man.

 

BTW, if the other guy still texting you is a problem you can always block him from contacting you.

[katiegrl]

 

I know that what I want is a lover I share beautiful and powerful experiences with, challenge intellectually and pursue sexual fantasies with. I don't want this to translate into a serious relationship because, frankly, this kind of intensity can not be sustained in a serious, committed relationship.

 

I actually think men understand this better than most women do and are more likely to be as commitment-phobic as I am, even if for different reasons.

 

 

I understand this believe it or not.

 

I had this in my last RL, which was actually a committed RL that lasted six years.

 

You may not know my history but there was an immediate intense and powerful attraction from the first night we met and it never really subsided.

 

However, we both were a bit commitment phobic and gave each other tons of space even though we lived together (as odd as that sounds). So perhaps that is why it worked for us.

 

That type of RL may not have worked for most people (as attested to by many when I posted about it on several occasions), but it worked for us at time.

 

It was very emotionally draining at times though too and ended badly.

 

I am pretty much completely over it now and don't regret a thing... but next time, I DO want something deeper, less intense I think.

 

Course I will never know until it happens.... it's possible my next RL could be just as intense as my last one.... perhaps that is what I am destined for.

 

Unlike you though, I do need this within the context of a committed RL which can happen when you find the right person who shares this same perspective.

 

Intense passionate sex once a month, while we are both pursuing, dating and/or engaging in FBs or FWBs RLs with others leaves me cold.

 

Not judging you for it though, to each his own.

 

I really admire your honesty and candidness on this thread CFire.... it may me realize some things about myself too, which is always a good thing.

 

Best of luck!!

[Redhead14]

I not judging you either. You can do whatever you like. That's your choice. Here's my concern, this type of emotional stance/commitment-phobic is actually unhealthy and so attempting to accommodate it is not pro-active. It is avoidant behavior. I think you would be better served to address your emotional concerns and attempt to resolve or improve your ability to connect on a deeper level rather than creating a false sense of "connection" and based on physical needs. At some point, this is going to bite you in a very negative way or ways and I can almost guarantee it.

[katiegrl]

I not judging you either. You can do whatever you like. That's your choice. Here's my concern, this type of emotional stance/commitment-phobic is actually unhealthy and so attempting to accommodate it is not pro-active. It is avoidant behavior. I think you would be better served to address your emotional concerns and attempt to resolve or improve your ability to connect on a deeper level rather than creating a false sense of "connection" and based on physical needs. At some point, this is going to bite you in a very negative way or ways and I can almost guarantee it.

 

In looking back at my last RL, I would have to agree with this^^.

 

Although our connection was very "real" albeit a bit unhealthy since much of it revolved around our sexual passion and intensity.

[elaine567]

stillafool

 

Good point. I see him once a month and wouldn't want to see him more than this. I would like to have another lover so I thought the alcoholic may be a good option .

 

When is an alcoholic ever a good option?

Why would you want to sabotage what you have by messing with an alcoholic and why would you want to mess with his head either.

The last thing any one vulnerable needs is another person just using them for sex...

[Redhead14]

When is an alcoholic ever a good option?

Why would you want to sabotage what you have by messing with an alcoholic and why would you want to mess with his head either.

The last thing any one vulnerable needs is another person just using them for sex...

 

Actually, an alcoholic would be the perfect candidate because alcoholics are masking their emotions as well and can, therefore, "play" the role she wants. What she is seeking is actually a classic co-dependent relationship -- two people who are attempting to negate and avoid emotional involvement by focusing on something else rather than focusing on and tending to their emotional deficit and pushing aside the natural need for human connection.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta,

 

Thank you for your comments and I understand that what I want is difficult to find and that this guy can't provide it. However, I would totally not sleep again with someone if he is not showering me with compliments and sharing his excitement about the sex and me the next day. This is just how I am. This is what I need. I have another lover I am seeing occasionally who does exactly this and everything is perfect. We contact each other occasionally, treat each other with respect and admiration and sex is just breathtaking. I can not imagine my life with this man and I am sure he feels the same way but we create this perfect romance when we are together.

 

It took you 8 pages to finally spell out what you want.

 

How is a man suppose to know what you want if you don't tell him first hand?

 

Don't you think you'd have more chances finding someone who wants the same as you if you spelled it out from the start? instead of going around and expecting men to read your mind?

 

So this man you slept with did nothing wrong, can you see that? You're the one with unusual unspoken needs.

[Gaeta]

When is an alcoholic ever a good option?

Why would you want to sabotage what you have by messing with an alcoholic and why would you want to mess with his head either.

The last thing any one vulnerable needs is another person just using them for sex...

 

She wants a man to perform and pretend once a month, not relevant or important he is an alcoholic or not.

[katiegrl]

She wants a man to perform and pretend once a month, not relevant or important he is an alcoholic or not.

 

Not understanding the "pretending" part.

 

Could not the emotions be very real... even though their desire is to only engage once a month?

 

Commitment phobic RLs are about distance, distance, distance.

 

Having other RLs (FBs, FWBs) is a way to create and maintain that distance.... as well as intentionally agreeing to engage with each other only once a month.

 

But still the emotions (sexual and otherwise) are very very real.

 

Again, it's not what I want or could even handle but I do understand OP's perspective on this.

Edited August 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Not understanding the "pretending" part.

 

Could not the emotions be very real... even though their desire is to to only engage once a month?

 

Commitment phobic RLs are about distance, distance, distance.

 

Having other RLs (FBs, FWBs) is a way to create and maintain that distance.... as well as intentionally agreeing to engage with each other only once a month.

 

But still the emotions (sexual and otherwise) are very very real.

 

Again, it's not what I want or could even handle but I do understand OP's perspective on this.

 

Katie, she doesn't want emotions, she wants the illusion of passionate sex without having a deeper connection. She wants what a real loving couple would experience between them but only for the time she's spending with the guy. In order for her to have what she's looking for, she would have to find someone who actually loves her and is passionate about her and then be able to shut that off. Somebody's going to get hurt somewhere along the line.

 

Real passion involves emotions. Sex doesn't have to include emotions -- but without real emotion and connection with a person, it's purely raw, animal urges. That's not passionate, it's monkey lovin.

[katiegrl]

Katie, she doesn't want emotions, she wants the illusion of passionate sex without having a deeper connection. She wants what a real loving couple would experience between them but only for the time she's spending with the guy. In order for her to have what she's looking for, she would have to find someone who actually loves her and is passionate about her and then be able to shut that off. Somebody's going to get hurt somewhere along the line.

 

Real passion involves emotions. Sex doesn't have to include emotions -- but without real emotion and connection with a person, it's purely raw, animal urges. That's not passionate, it's monkey lovin.

 

Okay I see, thanks for clarifying.

 

In that case, then I did not have that with my ex, as ours was a very intense emotional as well as sexual attraction and RL.

[Coldfire]

katiegrl

 

The emotions are VERY real. Of course they are more superficial in this case since I just met this person. I don't sleep with people unless there is something about them that I find special and unless there is true passion. Yes, it may not last, yes we may not be on the same page but I took the chance and I am not sorry. I don't understand the condescending comments. Just because I am not able to be a part of a normal "loving couple" right now doesn't mean that I should accept sex that is not passionate and emotionally fulfilling.

 

This person may describe himself as an alcoholic and yes, he is unreliable and Doesn't have a career but with his work he has had a greater intellectual impact on this world than most of us ever will. And I found him immensely attractive sexually.

 

Do I see myself with this man in the long term? Hell No. Do I approve of his lifestyle? No. Do I still have respect for his writing and intellect? Totally. Was I sincere with him? 100% . Is it an illusion? Yes. Because I chose to ignore the negative and focus on the positive.

 

 

Not understanding the "pretending" part.

 

Could not the emotions be very real... even though their desire is to only engage once a month?

 

Commitment phobic RLs are about distance, distance, distance.

 

Having other RLs (FBs, FWBs) is a way to create and maintain that distance.... as well as intentionally agreeing to engage with each other only once a month.

 

But still the emotions (sexual and otherwise) are very very real.

 

Again, it's not what I want or could even handle but I do understand OP's perspective on this.

[Gaeta]

katiegrl

doesn't mean that I should accept sex that is not passionate and emotionally fulfilling.

 

You don't want to invest emotion in someone but you want emotionally fulfilling sex.

 

Could you be anymore contradicting.

[salparadise]

I have to admit I freaked out that he may ignore me after having the sex so, to avoid being dumped (!) I texted him yesterday that I feel like it would be best to not meet again.

 

Ha, you dumped him because you were afraid he'd ghost. Yea, that sounds like a good deal... the best deal, as you know who might say... or do.

 

So from now on, when you get bedded by a don juan and he does a disappearing act, you won't need to cry victim and vilify... because you know to run with the big dogs.

[Coldfire]

I just asked if I should have waited a bit longer. He didn't appear too excited about it but he wasn't ignoring me or anything. I was't complaining or vilifying.

 

Ha, you dumped him because you were afraid he'd ghost. Yea, that sounds like a good deal... the best deal, as you know who might say... or do.

 

So from now on, when you get bedded by a don juan and he does a disappearing act, you won't need to cry victim and vilify... because you know to run with the big dogs.