! A (lame) question about behavior after sex...

[Coldfire]

You want a F buddy but you want him to act like a BF. F buddies don't have to obey by the dating rules because it's not dating! You should look up the rules of F buddies.

 

Gaeta,

 

I am confused! i wouldn't have sex with someone if it wasn't amazing and I could't wait to see him/her again. F buddy or whatever. Can you please explain. Why waste time on a mediocre lover?

[Coldfire]

So to avoid being "dumped", you "dumped" him?

 

I'm a bit confused here. Did you want to see him again, or not?

 

If so, it doesn't make much sense to "dump" him.

 

I would want to see him again if he also thought that we had a great time and wanted to see me again. I wouldn't waste time if he wasn't very excited and this is what I perceived from his behavior.

[Coldfire]

Great advice! Thank you. This is exactly my point. I don't want to serve as ego boost to someone if he doesn't treat me right. I had a great time and should leave it at that. There are more guys on Tinder.

 

Leave it alone. The only chance you have if you want to see him again is to leave him.

 

If you keep texting he will get put off by it. If you just leave it he may want to see you again.

 

I had the same happen to me. Slept with someone I wasnt that bothered about after 2 dates. Then it bothered me when he vanished but i think it was only ego for me.

 

He eventually got back in touch over 2 weeks later and asked me out again.

 

Just leave him well alone and keep dating.

[Coldfire]

You didn't overreact. There is nothing wrong with using someone for sex, especially if you think you are better than them. Itch/scratch. It's empowering when women do that to men.

 

TxGuy

 

Thank you!!! Just to clarify, we both used each other. I was not thinking I was better but his behavior was just not good enough if he was hoping to sleep with me again.

[Coldfire]

Somehow this would be a great post for girls/ women to read after they have been dumped by guys just after sex and complain guys only want to have sex. You were looking for a provider, he is not for the long term and in the meantime you got what you wanted. Good luck.

 

Thanks, Vado. I dumped him because he was playing it too cool. Even if it's just sex it must be exciting and we must both be craving each other I think. His lack of enthusiasm was a turn off.

[Coldfire]

He had a one-night stand with frills on. So did you. He was totally honest about the kind of guy he is. You made a decision based on what he told you - and I think he was being honest. I take it he has not responded in any way to your "let's not meet again" text. That says all you need to know.

You were horny, he was horny, it worked. It's ok to be horny, and it's ok to have sex providing it's what you both want and enjoy. Many women need to accept and appreciate that we too are sexual beings and it's ok to get laid now and then, on a 'free to do as I like' basis. Sensible moderation and human caution. Enjoy your life. You don't have a repeated performance at the end of this one.

 

Yes! You are right. I think it's best I ended it like this - it was a great night and repeat performance wouldn't have been better.

[Coldfire]

Nah.

 

Just let it go and don't bother to text or phone again.

 

It was sex. It scratched an itch. You have got all you are going to get out of him so leave it there. Let him be your rebound guy rather than some other poor soul who does actually want more. Better that way than upsetting a good guy for no reason.

 

Carry on with your healing and be satisfied knowing that you are one hot chick!

 

Thank you! I feel that my decision was totally adequate and you are so right?

Better to leave things this way.

[ASG]

The man is an alcoholic or has that escaped your notice?

 

He is a self proclaimed promiscuous alcoholic, so would I denounce any man for dumping a girl he had sex with who said she was a promiscuous alcoholic? No of course not.

I would congratulate him for doing the right thing too.

 

No, he said he was an alcoholic. I say that often amongst friends. In fact, most of my friends describe themselves as alcoholics as well. It just means we like to go out and have a drink. Not that we're ACTUALLY alcoholics.

 

He also said he's [promiscuous].

 

Basically, he's a party boy. That might not be someone the OP wants to associate with, but it doesn't mean he's an alcoholic in the true sense of the word.

 

And, fun fact, party boys (and girls) are also very capable of sustaining LTRs.

 

Obviously, everyone is free to associate (or not) with any kind of person. The OP chose to actively associate with this self proclaimed party boy...

Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Gaeta]

Gaeta,

 

I am confused! i wouldn't have sex with someone if it wasn't amazing and I could't wait to see him/her again. F buddy or whatever. Can you please explain. Why waste time on a mediocre lover?

 

You said yourself you do not want a relationship and would like to find someone to just have fun and maybe it be nice if it lasted a month or so. That is what we call a F buddy or a FWB. Of course the sex should be amazing and you should be looking forward to your next <fun> but you cannot expect a F buddy or FWB to invest time and courtship in you, that is for people looking to date.

 

If you like this guy as a bedroom partner than tell him and he'll be more than happy to service you when you wish it but to expect him to court you as if he'd be interested in dating you is unrealistic.

 

If you want sex than explain that to him FIRST. Hey! I am looking for FWB and someone that could see me 2-3 times a week. No man will refuse that opportunity but you have to be CLEAR about what your needs are and stop thinking men should guess what you want or they should court you to get sex.

[Lois_Griffin]

You were looking for a provider, he is not for the long term and in the meantime you got what you wanted. Good luck.

 

LOL...did you even read the OPs post, or were you just too driven to repeat your usual mantra about how women are gold diggers, and you missed the part in her post where she says she has a good job and owns her home?

 

Lover boy is still in college and fills HIS spare time with trips to the bar with his frat buddies and chasing skirts. The guy couldn't support a damned goldfish.

 

OP, I think you were smart for dumping this guy. It wouldn't have lasted anyway.

[VeveCakes]

OP hands type one thing but her brain says another.

 

You wanted a hook up then get mad when he doesn't call you. He isn't going to unless he wants to get laid on his time. That's how hook ups work. Figure out what it is you actually want from a guy before sleeping with him next time.

[TXGuy]

The man is an alcoholic or has that escaped your notice?

 

He is a self proclaimed promiscuous alcoholic, so would I denounce any man for dumping a girl he had sex with who said she was a promiscuous alcoholic? No of course not.

I would congratulate him for doing the right thing too.

 

She knew both those things (promiscuous and alcoholic) prior to having sex with, and then dumping, him.

 

So it seems your position now is that you would encourage men to sleep with, and then dump, [promiscuous partners].

 

[]

Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and content

[joseb]

Thanks @smudge21! I needed to hear this.

The thing is that I would't mind seeing him again for sex even if this was going nowhere but his lukewarm attitude was a turn off. I read online about an 'unwritten' rule that a guy should call within 72 hrs. This doesn't make any sense and I would never wait around for so long. Guys, if someone sucks your **** for an hour and you both agree that sex was amazing, anything short showering of telling her what a great lover she is the very next day (if you want to see her again) is inadequate in my opinion. I felt he liked me but was playing a game to make me feel insecure and I totally lost respect because of this.

 

What game is he playing?

 

If was a hook up, so he's not going to be whispering sweet nothing's and telling you how great you are.

 

Doing that, when really wanting casual would be game playing.

[Coldfire]

This is absolutely hilarious, your post made me laugh so hard. He definitely can't support a damned goldfish and I was ok with that.

 

Yes, I was looking for a fun, exciting lover! One if the best things about being a successful woman is the freedom to date/ sleep with whomever we want. However, I can't accept the above mentioned "rules" regarding f@@@ buddies vs dating. A man should always, regardless of the situation make an effort and treat a woman with respect and make her feel special and desired. This is how I treat men too, even if they are no more than short term lovers. It's a matter of self respect I think.

 

So you are right, it was ok to dump him. I just thought maybe I wasn't patient enough but it wouldn't be different if I waited longer.

 

LOL...did you even read the OPs post, or were you just too driven to repeat your usual mantra about how women are gold diggers, and you missed the part in her post where she says she has a good job and owns her home?

 

Lover boy is still in college and fills HIS spare time with trips to the bar with his frat buddies and chasing skirts. The guy couldn't support a damned goldfish.

 

OP, I think you were smart for dumping this guy. It wouldn't have lasted anyway.

[Redhead14]

Hi!

 

I would really appreciate some feedback, especially from guys.

 

I recently ended a long term relationship. Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

I met a guy on Tinder and had sex with him on Friday after a couple of dates. I didn't want him to stay over but he insisted and we went for breakfast in the morning. I was very attracted to him although he appears to be pretty unreliable. <snip>

 

I didn't want him to stay over but he insisted -- what does this mean? If you didn't want him there, you should have stuck to your guns. Learn how to set boundaries and enforce them -- #1.

 

Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either. -- Evidence to the contrary in this situation.

 

You are being wishy washy about your goals and boundaries. Either you want to date casually without sex or you want to have sex without a relationship. Until you get clear in your head about what you want, you will find yourself in confusing situations often.

 

I don't understand this line of thinking:

 

On one hand you say,

 

Not looking for something too serious immediately

 

And, then on the other hand,

 

but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

You ended up having casual sex with this guy and kinda knew he wasn't going be all in for moving forward (which you don't want anyway), and yet you're concerned that you aren't hearing from him?????

 

Casual sex usually means once and done or simply goes into an FWB situation. And, a woman who doesn't have her dating goals and boundaries in order cannot maintain an FWB without getting hurt or end up hoping for more with that person.

 

Figure yourself out before you go out into the dating world. A person who is recently out of a relationship needs to give themselves plenty of space to make sure their head space in clear and focused . . .

Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote

[Versacehottie]

i think you staged a pre-emptive strike with saying you didn't want to see him anymore. It's was fumbled attempt at trying to protect yourself from getting hurt because you already cared whether he was gonna mess you about first. Now you have regrets. It's 2016--some of the rules have changed but some things never do. Clear as day to me.

[SoThatHappened]

LOL...did you even read the OPs post, or were you just too driven to repeat your usual mantra about how women are gold diggers, and you missed the part in her post where she says she has a good job and owns her home?

 

Lover boy is still in college and fills HIS spare time with trips to the bar with his frat buddies and chasing skirts. The guy couldn't support a damned goldfish.

 

OP, I think you were smart for dumping this guy. It wouldn't have lasted anyway.

He provided sex, not money. And I didn't know you knew his financial situation.

[Coldfire]

ASG,

 

I saw the guy drinking. Definitely an alcoholic. A very hot one

 

I said in my initial posting that I am accepting this but the truth is that if a person approaches life so differently it is difficult to relate....i was just wondering if I should have waited longer and if I misinterpreted his actions...

 

No, he said he was an alcoholic. I say that often amongst friends. In fact, most of my friends describe themselves as alcoholics as well. It just means we like to go out and have a drink. Not that we're ACTUALLY alcoholics.

 

He also said he's [promiscuous]

 

Basically, he's a party boy. That might not be someone the OP wants to associate with, but it doesn't mean he's an alcoholic in the true sense of the word.

 

And, fun fact, party boys (and girls) are also very capable of sustaining LTRs.

 

Obviously, everyone is free to associate (or not) with any kind of person. The OP chose to actively associate with this self proclaimed party boy...

Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[heartfeltlove]

He provided sex, not money. And I didn't know you knew his financial situation.

 

What part of this -

 

...he is still in grad school, hangs out at bars every night, and has several roommates. He also described himself as [promiscuous] and "alcoholic"

- Do you consider encouraging or positive? And how many fabulously wealthy students do you know to be living a single lifestyle? To be fair, it doesn't sound like a person who has a lucrative situation to play with... Edited August 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Emilia]

ASG,

 

I saw the guy drinking. Definitely an alcoholic. A very hot one

 

I said in my initial posting that I am accepting this but the truth is that if a person approaches life so differently it is difficult to relate....i was just wondering if I should have waited longer and if I misinterpreted his actions...

No and you should have a bit more self respect when it comes to jumping into bed with people. Picking someone who clearly doesn't give two hoots about you, says a lot about how you see yourself.

[ASG]

ASG,

 

I saw the guy drinking. Definitely an alcoholic. A very hot one

 

I said in my initial posting that I am accepting this but the truth is that if a person approaches life so differently it is difficult to relate....i was just wondering if I should have waited longer and if I misinterpreted his actions...

 

If you saw me and my friends drinking, you'd say the same. Like you say, it's a different approach to life and it can be hard to relate to.

 

An alcoholic is someone who is dependent on alcohol. Not just someone who drinks a lot and often. It's someone who *needs* it to function (albeit, badly) and whose life is taken over by the need to drink, to the detriment of work and personal relationships.

 

I'm surrounded by "party people". My industry is one where having a drink (or 7) after work is almost a must. Most are NOT alcoholics (though some definitely are, obviously, even if mostly functioning)

 

Anyway, regarding your reaction to the guy, I think you jumped the gun, but then... it's not clear what you wanted out of your interaction. After hook ups, guys don't really call or text straight away to tell you how wonderful you are. That is not a thing. That's in the purview of dating and relationships.

They might get in touch (or you can get in touch, it works both ways) to see each other again, soon. And *that's* how you know they think you're a great lover!

 

But nevermind. You've said you don't want to see him again, move on!

[SoThatHappened]

What part of this -

 

- Do you consider encouraging or positive? And how many fabulously wealthy students do you know to be living a single lifestyle? To be fair, it doesn't sound like a person who has a lucrative situation to play with...

???

When did encouraging or positive come up? I was simply talking about his financial status. The guy could be making good money selling drugs. He's in the right environment for it, apparently.

 

Also, OP, you seem confused and tried to avoid getting hurt by pre-empting a let-down by him. It's fine and we've all probably been there.

 

However, it's confusing to the other person you claim to like and want to see again when you tell him the opposite and expect something different.

[Coldfire]

Gaeta,

 

I respectfully disagree. I think there shouldn't be established rules. It's not all black and white, FB vs dating etc. We define the rules with each person we engage with. I was very straightforward in explaining what I wanted - intellectual stimulation, great sex, flirting etc. Not LTR. There is no way I would tell anyone that I am interested in having sex, how many times etc. How would I even know if I will want to have sex with him again? I told him I would take this one day at a time and if we both love it,we should keep seeing each other. He agreed. In my view, there should be mutual pursuit even if the relationship is limited to sex. Otherwise it gets too boring.

 

 

 

You said yourself you do not want a relationship and would like to find someone to just have fun and maybe it be nice if it lasted a month or so. That is what we call a F buddy or a FWB. Of course the sex should be amazing and you should be looking forward to your next <fun> but you cannot expect a F buddy or FWB to invest time and courtship in you, that is for people looking to date.

 

If you like this guy as a bedroom partner than tell him and he'll be more than happy to service you when you wish it but to expect him to court you as if he'd be interested in dating you is unrealistic.

 

If you want sex than explain that to him FIRST. Hey! I am looking for FWB and someone that could see me 2-3 times a week. No man will refuse that opportunity but you have to be CLEAR about what your needs are and stop thinking men should guess what you want or they should court you to get sex.

[Coldfire]

OP hands type one thing but her brain says another.

 

You wanted a hook up then get mad when he doesn't call you. He isn't going to unless he wants to get laid on his time. That's how hook ups work. Figure out what it is you actually want from a guy before sleeping with him next time.

 

 

I didn't say that he didn't call/text and I got upset because of this. We were in touch but he just didn't seem sufficiently excited about seeing me again so I decided that I don't want to waste time and it's best to move on! I had second thoughts because perhaps I didn't give him enough time. That's all. It's best to have a good memory about one night if the next one won't be that great!

[Gaeta]

Gaeta,

 

I respectfully disagree. I think there shouldn't be established rules. It's not all black and white, FB vs dating etc. We define the rules with each person we engage with. I was very straightforward in explaining what I wanted - intellectual stimulation, great sex, flirting etc. Not LTR. There is no way I would tell anyone that I am interested in having sex, how many times etc. How would I even know if I will want to have sex with him again? I told him I would take this one day at a time and if we both love it,we should keep seeing each other. He agreed. In my view, there should be mutual pursuit even if the relationship is limited to sex. Otherwise it gets too boring.

 

People get in FWB for different reasons and most of the time it's because they have no time or any personal feelings to invest in someone else. They feel like being intimate so they call each other up, set up the deal, meet and that's it till next time. Once in a while you shoot them a text about something random but nothing more. Why? because people cannot give more of themselves.

 

You want the more, you want the time, investment, efforts of a man but for what? to have sex once in a while? it's not going to happen.

 

Sure he said he wanted the same as you but what happened? He had sex then he did not want to put in the extra effort to maintain a relationship with you because *he does not want a relationship and the efforts that come with a relationship*. Before the sex maybe he felt he was up to it but after, after the sex was out of the way, he realized he does not want to deal with the extra effort.

 

I predict you will meet a lot of guy like this one. A guy that just wants sex and no relationship is not going to embark in something where he has to put in relationship efforts.