How to just GO for it when you find a random stranger attractive

[Standard-Fare]

At this stage of my life I have no problem identifying when I'm attracted to someone. It's fairly rare, but it's obvious.

 

Sometimes, though, that person is just ... a guy in line at the coffee shop with me, or someone sitting across the aisle on the subway ... or a mechanic I'm dealing with for a few minutes. Etc. etc.

 

Beyond making serious eye contact, I have NO strategies for building those brief moments of attraction to a point that would lead to a second meeting (or in some cases, even a full conversation). The cat gets my tongue, or I worry about seeming creepy or overbearing. I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities.

 

Any tips (or success stories of your own) on how to turn these types of small moments into something tangible?

 

Some context: I'm female, mid-30s. So I'm not in that "I'm young and cute and every guy would want my attention" frame of mind. But to be clear, I'm also not man-hungry or desperate.

[jen1447]

You don't have to be younger than 30 for every guy to think you're cute and want your attention.

 

This is really about balls ultimately and no one can help you w that but yourself, but my best suggestion for getting there is to know what kinda look you're projecting. You can knock down a lot of obstacles w a really good smile that's warm and friendly and disarming, so look in the mirror and try to put your best one on so you know how it feels. And then practice doing it reflexively so when the time comes you can blast em with it and have your way.

 

(I always do that w 1st impressions for ppl I'm interested in - bright eyes, warm smile, look at them directly. Works every time. )

[SevenCity]

You don't have to be younger than 30 for every guy to think you're cute and want your attention.

 

This is really about balls ultimately and no one can help you w that but yourself, but my best suggestion for getting there is to know what kinda look you're projecting. You can knock down a lot of obstacles w a really good smile that's warm and friendly and disarming, so look in the mirror and try to put your best one on so you know how it feels. And then practice doing it reflexively so when the time comes you can blast em with it and have your way.

 

(I always do that w 1st impressions for ppl I'm interested in - bright eyes, warm smile, look at them directly. Works every time. )

 

Yea, real easy when you are an attractive woman!

 

I admire the OP. Approaching is usually something women won't do. It's hard for guys to do this as you stand to get rejected.

 

I've only been approached a couple times. I've gotten warm smiles and flat out staring but that doesn't lead to anything unless I approach.

[Standard-Fare]

You don't have to be younger than 30 for every guy to think you're cute and want your attention.

 

This is really about balls ultimately and no one can help you w that but yourself, but my best suggestion for getting there is to know what kinda look you're projecting. You can knock down a lot of obstacles w a really good smile that's warm and friendly and disarming, so look in the mirror and try to put your best one on so you know how it feels. And then practice doing it reflexively so when the time comes you can blast em with it and have your way.

 

(I always do that w 1st impressions for ppl I'm interested in - bright eyes, warm smile, look at them directly. Works every time. )

 

I actually have no problems with the bright eye contact/warm smile part of it. Those are the moments when that "zing" of attraction is clear.

 

But after that, where do you even go? I mean, let's say it's a guy on the bus, sitting across from you. You're not talking to each other, there's other people around, but you both make repeated eye contact and kind of smile at each other.

 

That scenario always end with... okay, one of you reaches your stop and gets off, and you never see each other again.

 

Back in the day, Craigslist's "Missed Connections" was good for that sort of thing - if always a long shot. I'm pretty sure no one still uses that.

 

Sometimes in certain situations, I've been tempted to just flat out be like "Hey, you're cute." Like, take the 1 a.m. drunk bar behavior and bring it to the light of day!

[Methodical]

Sometimes attractive, shy women are perceived as uppity snobs when nothing could be further from the truth. Along with unwavering eye contact and a warm, inviting smile, make a benign comment or give a flattering compliment to nudge the door open.

[SevenCity]

I actually have no problems with the bright eye contact/warm smile part of it. Those are the moments when that "zing" of attraction is clear.

 

But after that, where do you even go? I mean, let's say it's a guy on the bus, sitting across from you. You're not talking to each other, there's other people around, but you both make repeated eye contact and kind of smile at each other.

 

That scenario always end with... okay, one of you reaches your stop and gets off, and you never see each other again.

 

Back in the day, Craigslist's "Missed Connections" was good for that sort of thing - if always a long shot. I'm pretty sure no one still uses that.

 

Sometimes in certain situations, I've been tempted to just flat out be like "Hey, you're cute." Like, take the 1 a.m. drunk bar behavior and bring it to the light of day!

 

Start by saying "Hi". It's the best opener in the biz.

 

Saying "Hi, you're cute" is a great, ballsy approach that will force him to either say he thinks you're cute too or he's not interested.

 

I don't know many guys who would be upset with a compliment like that.

[jen1447]

But after that, where do you even go? I mean, let's say it's a guy on the bus, sitting across from you. You're not talking to each other, there's other people around, but you both make repeated eye contact and kind of smile at each other.

 

Flex your girl balls. Life's just a series of calculated risks anyway so go ahead and take one.

 

Are you at all intimidating looking? I come off that way a bit sometimes (not scary intimidating, just 'can't deal' intimidating) so if that's the case you can't rely on sending signals, you just have to do it yourself.

[AMJ]

I actually have no problems with the bright eye contact/warm smile part of it. Those are the moments when that "zing" of attraction is clear.

 

But after that, where do you even go? I mean, let's say it's a guy on the bus, sitting across from you. You're not talking to each other, there's other people around, but you both make repeated eye contact and kind of smile at each other.

 

That scenario always end with... okay, one of you reaches your stop and gets off, and you never see each other again.

 

Back in the day, Craigslist's "Missed Connections" was good for that sort of thing - if always a long shot. I'm pretty sure no one still uses that.

 

Sometimes in certain situations, I've been tempted to just flat out be like "Hey, you're cute." Like, take the 1 a.m. drunk bar behavior and bring it to the light of day!

 

I had a bus crush last year. Ohmygosh he was a silver fox. My problem was this was at 7am and we'd be the only two people on the bus, and he got off at literally the stop right after I got on, which gave me about 30 seconds, sometimes a whole minute to talk to him. And sometimes he'd get off at my stop so I wouldn't have any time to talk to him. One time he was talking to the driver and she was cracking up about whatever they were talking about. So when he gets off the bus I couldn't help it, and started asking her about him. And she got all serious and didn't want to answer my questions, and thought I was crazy. Him and I would usually say hello and good morning but it never progressed much further. I was kinda sad about that. But I also figured he probably wasn't single.

 

Anyway I say just go for it when you can. Though I have a much easier time approaching strangers than people I know. I have nothing invested in a stranger.

 

One time I hit on a guy and he told me it was a turnoff. He kept staring at me, so I did the smile and stare back thing, and waited for him to come over, but he didn't come over. So I got tired of waiting and walked over to him and said hi. He says "Ugh! Why did you do that! I was supposed to come talk to you!" Me- "Well, yeah, but you were taking too long" Him- "You should have waited." And he walks away!! I was baffled by that one but- what a weird guy.

[JuneJulySeptember]

At this stage of my life I have no problem identifying when I'm attracted to someone. It's fairly rare, but it's obvious.

 

Sometimes, though, that person is just ... a guy in line at the coffee shop with me, or someone sitting across the aisle on the subway ... or a mechanic I'm dealing with for a few minutes. Etc. etc.

 

Beyond making serious eye contact, I have NO strategies for building those brief moments of attraction to a point that would lead to a second meeting (or in some cases, even a full conversation). The cat gets my tongue, or I worry about seeming creepy or overbearing. I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities.

 

Any tips (or success stories of your own) on how to turn these types of small moments into something tangible?

 

Some context: I'm female, mid-30s. So I'm not in that "I'm young and cute and every guy would want my attention" frame of mind. But to be clear, I'm also not man-hungry or desperate.

 

Women could do pretty well if they decided to hit on men.

 

The only problem is that based on pure initial physicality, most women typically find the same guys attractive.

 

At least that is what I have observed. Those men tend to be coveted, and the women who hit on them might get played. But if average women decided to hit on men who were averageish ... holy @#$% they'd have a field day, if at least for sex.

Edited August 10, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Imported]

Start by saying "Hi". It's the best opener in the biz.

 

Saying "Hi, you're cute" is a great, ballsy approach that will force him to either say he thinks you're cute too or he's not interested.

 

I don't know many guys who would be upset with a compliment like that.

 

I wouldn't be upset, but it's just awkward. Just say "hi" or smile at the guy. Don't make assumptions. Give him a minute or two to think before you get all blatant. I don't like being put on the spot, but maybe I'm just slow. I hear other guys saying they wouldn't mind at all, but maybe they never actually experienced it.

[Standard-Fare]

(OP here)

 

Okay, I get the suggestion of just saying "hi," but that's really just a minor step above eye contact. In most cases, the guy would just say "hi" right back and that's where things end.

 

Certain situations lend themselves more naturally to conversation, like: "Your dog is cute, what type is he?" or "So how long have you been working here?" but sometimes there's just no inroad.

 

To give a specific example that happened to me this week:

 

I happened to be in a Subway at 11 pm. Yep, the sandwich shop, not my finest moment. Totally empty except me and the cashier. But while I'm ordering, this guy walks in ... and he's just my type physically. (*Which - to respond to a commenter here, no is not just the coveted stereotypical hot guy.)

 

He and I are making eye contact and smiling up a storm. But the cashier rings me up, the guy starts HIS order, and simply it's time for me to leave. Lingering around and waiting for him would be just creepy.

 

I did call out, "Enjoy your late-night sub!" as I was leaving, and he laughed, but... I mean, how on earth could I have turned that into anything more?

 

I wouldn't think twice about moments like this, except it IS rare that I find someone attractive and feel that little spark, and to just let those die off is disappointing. Meanwhile I'm doing online dating and finding very little chemistry in these two-hour dates with people that make sense only on paper.

[jen1447]

Easy - ask him if he'd like some company having his dinner. (I assume there was seating in there.) And don't be afraid of the answer ....if he's married he'll prob say no but who cares?

 

Side note - never let bit players interfere w your game. The sandwich person can wait while you talk, NBD. They're not the priority so don't defer to them or let them run the dynamic. If they see you're engaged they won't do anything til you're ready.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Why don't you talk to a few guys you are attracted to, ask them out and tell us what happens?

 

As a woman, you should know there is no magic formula for a guy getting a yes from a woman. So, it stands to reason there would be no magic formula for getting a yes from a guy.

 

From a personal standpoint, I can tell you I have never been hit on (at least that directly), really ever, so if it did happen, I would without a doubt, see where it went. I can only assume it would be a similar reaction for other non-traditionally non-hot guys. Take it for what you will...

Edited August 10, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[losangelena]

One time I hit on a guy and he told me it was a turnoff. He kept staring at me, so I did the smile and stare back thing, and waited for him to come over, but he didn't come over. So I got tired of waiting and walked over to him and said hi. He says "Ugh! Why did you do that! I was supposed to come talk to you!" Me- "Well, yeah, but you were taking too long" Him- "You should have waited." And he walks away!! I was baffled by that one but- what a weird guy.

 

Haha! What a dope, that guy.

[SevenCity]

(OP here)

 

Okay, I get the suggestion of just saying "hi," but that's really just a minor step above eye contact. In most cases, the guy would just say "hi" right back and that's where things end.

 

Certain situations lend themselves more naturally to conversation, like: "Your dog is cute, what type is he?" or "So how long have you been working here?" but sometimes there's just no inroad.

 

To give a specific example that happened to me this week:

 

I happened to be in a Subway at 11 pm. Yep, the sandwich shop, not my finest moment. Totally empty except me and the cashier. But while I'm ordering, this guy walks in ... and he's just my type physically. (*Which - to respond to a commenter here, no is not just the coveted stereotypical hot guy.)

 

He and I are making eye contact and smiling up a storm. But the cashier rings me up, the guy starts HIS order, and simply it's time for me to leave. Lingering around and waiting for him would be just creepy.

 

I did call out, "Enjoy your late-night sub!" as I was leaving, and he laughed, but... I mean, how on earth could I have turned that into anything more?

 

I wouldn't think twice about moments like this, except it IS rare that I find someone attractive and feel that little spark, and to just let those die off is disappointing. Meanwhile I'm doing online dating and finding very little chemistry in these two-hour dates with people that make sense only on paper.

 

"I was thinking of trying that sandwich!"

"I thought I was the only one who got Subway this late!"

"I'm glad I'm not the only one here!"

"Sorry, I just got the last sandwich :)"

 

In reading my pick up books Im finding its best to make statments to foster conversation rather than interview questions and waiting for a response. It can lead to more conversation and the person asking questions of you.

 

Sure, it's easy to Monday morning quarterback and we've all gotten frozen like a deer in headlights and our brains shut down when faced with a person we find attractive

 

But, I really commend you. This is what guys go through EVERY SINGLE TIME. Very few women have the balls for it.

 

You sound slightly introverted like me. I think the trick for both of us is to get comfortable engaging strangers. That way, it's not do or die when all the chips are on the table.

[Standard-Fare]

Easy - ask him if he'd like some company having his dinner. (I assume there was seating in there.) And don't be afraid of the answer ....if he's married he'll prob say no but who cares?

 

I knew someone was going to say that, and on paper that might sound like the right call. But think about this with some cold realism:

 

He and I had both stumbled into a Subway at a weird hour, wearing basically pajamas, not really expecting or wanting to see any other human. The shop was silent and vacant, the lighting was harsh. The tired old woman running the place was counting the minutes before she could go home.

 

That whimsical suggestion of "You wanna sit down and eat together?" was just not going to fly. And can you imagine if the poor dude just wanted to get on his way home, the stammered excuse he'd have to give me.

 

I guess all I'm really concluding here, through talking about this, is that a lot of the time you just CAN'T do anything more with these situations. And that's life.

 

But I'm going to try to keep more of an open mind, and be more bold, in situations where I DO see a natural inroad.

[jen1447]

You sound like you're finding reasons not to. Those are easy and the mentality tends to be self-fulfilling.

[Methodical]

The guy on the train/subway/bus, in the coffee shop, etc. faces these same challenges. But if neither one of you are willing to assert yourself, opportunities will continue to pass you by. You may encounter a rejection or two, but if you never try, the result is essentially the same.

[S_A]

The cat gets my tongue, or I worry about seeming creepy or overbearing. I feel like I miss a lot of opportunities.

 

Women can get away with a lot more than guys can in the "creep" department. Women have a bigger buffer (or whatever you want to call it) before they enter the creepy zone. Take advantage of that!

 

thing - if always a long shot. I'm pretty sure no one still uses that.

 

Ok, was this really a thing? Did this actually work? So that means two people, after their biref encounter, would probably think about the other person non-stop, would find each other on Craigslist because they regret not making a move, and then meet again with huge butterflies in the stomach. I may be romanticizing it a bit, but that sounds pretty amazing.

 

One time I hit on a guy and he told me it was a turnoff. He kept staring at me, so I did the smile and stare back thing, and waited for him to come over, but he didn't come over. So I got tired of waiting and walked over to him and said hi. He says "Ugh! Why did you do that! I was supposed to come talk to you!" Me- "Well, yeah, but you were taking too long" Him- "You should have waited." And he walks away!! I was baffled by that one but- what a weird guy.

 

Reading this was so disappointing that I wish I never clicked to even open this thread :|

 

I happened to be in a Subway at 11 pm. Yep, the sandwich shop, not my finest moment. Totally empty except me and the cashier. But while I'm ordering, this guy walks in ... and he's just my type physically. (*Which - to respond to a commenter here, no is not just the coveted stereotypical hot guy.)

 

He and I are making eye contact and smiling up a storm. But the cashier rings me up, the guy starts HIS order, and simply it's time for me to leave. Lingering around and waiting for him would be just creepy.

 

I did call out, "Enjoy your late-night sub!" as I was leaving, and he laughed, but... I mean, how on earth could I have turned that into anything more

 

I know hindsight is 20/20, but in a think-fast type of situation where you could use more time until you figure out your approach, one thing you could have done is to buy yourself more time. You could have done this by sitting at a table as if you did not get your sandwich to go. I mean, this may not have been the best approach, but it would have been better than walking out the door and the opportunity at the same time.

 

I wouldn't think twice about moments like this, except it IS rare that I find someone attractive and feel that little spark, and to just let those die off is disappointing. Meanwhile I'm doing online dating and finding very little chemistry in these two-hour dates with people that make sense only on paper.

 

The thing with online dating, at least from what I've perceived (I have never actually done online dating), is that you're trying to determine who is the best for you based on a picture and a resume. Yeah... a resume. Online profiles are supposed to try to sell the person (like a resume sells a person to an employer), but romance doesn't work that way. What's more is that there is so much more to a person than a dating profile with a 2-dimensional picture can ever tell you. These dating profiles can't even come close to giving you a real glimpse into who the real person is. I'd bet that a lot of people who have what seems like a shallow profile have a lot more depth to them than we can ever imagine.

 

I toyed with the idea of online dating for like a minute, but quickly got turned off because going through profiles and determining who a contender was etc made me feel shallow in a way. The whole process of judging people based on their profiles was a huge turn off for me (the women weren't turn offs, the process was). It almost made me feel guilty to leave a profile without finding something I liked about the person first.

 

I'm thinking OLD is better for those that are just looking for hook-ups. Guys get a little more leverage in such an environment though.

Edited August 10, 2016 by S_A

[Standard-Fare]

Ok, was this really a thing? Did this actually work? So that means two people, after their biref encounter, would probably think about the other person non-stop, would find each other on Craigslist because they regret not making a move, and then meet again with huge butterflies in the stomach. I may be romanticizing it a bit, but that sounds pretty amazing.

 

I can't comment on whether anyone uses Missed Connections these days, but at one point in my life - about 6-9 years ago - I was living in a city where it was "known" enough that people did use it frequently.

 

AND... drumroll... I actually met one of my past boyfriends that way! This dude and I noticed each other at the movie theater (seeing the same movie) and then later coincidentally ended up on the same subway home together, where we made eye contact, smiled, all that. But he got off the train earlier then me. I checked Missed Connections later, and he'd written one. We met up for a drink... and dated for a few months, actually. Crazy.

 

I'm not living in a city anymore where Missed Connections is popular, or maybe it's just died out of favor in general. There's probably "an app for that" somewhere but I would guess it's being used by people younger than me.

[AMJ]

What! A missed connections relationship! That's amazing. My friends and I used to read those just to entertain ourselves. It's always a woman jogging somewhere or leaving Trader Joes in yoga pants.

[S_A]

Haha I'm reading Craigslist right now. These are awesome! Some of them are good reads. Too bad we'll never know if the missed connection discovers their listing.

[Standard-Fare]

I would guess that 99 percent of Missed Connections on Craigslist continue to be missed connections.

 

The best chance people have is if it's someone specific who works in a public place - like "The guy who works at X restaurant on Saturday night, I think you're cute." There's a chance that other people will see that, identify who he is, and get the word back to him.

 

I will also say that in the few times I've tried it myself, I got responses from random, pathetic guys trying to use that as their way "in" with a woman. Either they'd pretend to be the guy I was looking for, until a couple emails later it was obvious they were NOT ... or they'd do something like:

 

"I was very intrigued by your post, you sound like an attractive woman who knows what she wants. In the event your guys never sees this you should drop me a line" - then describe how handsome they are or lay down an ab pic. Just SAD if anyone thinks that's going to work out for them.

[S_A]

Yea based on what I read, there are a bunch of guys that pretend to be the missed connection. Pretty stupid.

 

I've been thinking though... Had a known about this from the start, I do not think I would have used it. Can't 100% say I recall missing a connection.

[SevenCity]

I knew someone was going to say that, and on paper that might sound like the right call. But think about this with some cold realism:

 

He and I had both stumbled into a Subway at a weird hour, wearing basically pajamas, not really expecting or wanting to see any other human. The shop was silent and vacant, the lighting was harsh. The tired old woman running the place was counting the minutes before she could go home.

 

That whimsical suggestion of "You wanna sit down and eat together?" was just not going to fly. And can you imagine if the poor dude just wanted to get on his way home, the stammered excuse he'd have to give me.

 

I guess all I'm really concluding here, through talking about this, is that a lot of the time you just CAN'T do anything more with these situations. And that's life.

 

But I'm going to try to keep more of an open mind, and be more bold, in situations where I DO see a natural inroad.

 

You are just trying to make yourself feel better. If the guy got on a train that was pulling out of the station sure. But in the above scenario I speak for most single interested guys that he wouldn't care if he hadn't slept in days.

 

If a guy is interested very little will stop him - other than fear