Not sexually attracted to husband

[FrenchToast]

I think that I am not sexually attracted to my husband would be a way to describe how I feel. I do find him attractive and I am attracted to him but being sexually attracted to him has never been on the top of the list.

 

I could say that I had an idea of what I was getting myself into when I got married but now I am actually worried. Our sex life didn't go from many times a week to a few or none because in the beginning of our relationship, our jobs were on different schedules so it was not a lot in the beginning. I think that I do have a healthy appetite for sex as I've always wanted to have sex - right before we married, I made it a thing to have sex at least 3-4 times a week with our busy schedules. Now...I try to have sex once a week or every two weeks so that I am not depriving my husband of sex. Yes, I know...once a week or every two weeks is depriving him of sex. I just can't get into it with him. He has not done anything to make me dislike him nor does he mistreat me. I think we are a good match in a way that we take care of each other and we can be silly together. The only thing besides sex that I find I have a difficult time connecting with him is conversation.

 

I crave stimulating conversation and it's just not our thing together. I literally fear the day that I meet a guy and we spend an hour or so talking about some subject. I don't think I fear a physical affair but maybe an emotional(?) one. Now that I think about it...I'm not sure if it is sexual attraction or stimulating conversation because long conversations on subjects that are interesting feels close to great sex for me and I am not having either at the moment. Should I have known of this before? Maybe - my husband is military so when he is gone there is no conversation anyway. He is on a non-deployment rotation for a while now.

 

So I think what I am asking is...if anyone out there is or has been in a similar situation. How do you make it work?

[Mr. Lucky]

I could say that I had an idea of what I was getting myself into when I got married but now I am actually worried. Our sex life didn't go from many times a week to a few or none because in the beginning of our relationship, our jobs were on different schedules so it was not a lot in the beginning.

 

This is entirely a problem you've created by marrying him under these circumstances and without communication or warning. "I love you but I see our relationship as more friends than lovers" would have allowed him to make an informed decision

 

What attempts have you made to fix this? Counseling? Communication?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have to agree with Mr. Lucky.

 

Although I completely understand your desire and need for conversation in order to feel stimulated in more ways than one (I'm exactly the same way btw), you admittedly walked into this marriage knowing what you were getting into.

 

I would repeat the same questions posted by Mr. Luck. What have you done to remedy the situation if anything at all?

[MightyPen]

I'm not sure if it is sexual attraction or stimulating conversation because long conversations on subjects that are interesting feels close to great sex for me and I am not having either at the moment. Should I have known of this before? Maybe - my husband is military so when he is gone there is no conversation anyway. He is on a non-deployment rotation for a while now.

 

Lots of people place this high level of importance on stimulating conversation, exchanging ideas, challenging each other intellectually, etc. Trust me, I get it. It's super important to many of us.

 

People can change, but generally speaking, if a person is not already a heavy thinker/conversationalist, they aren't going to become one. I think that's the issue - you married someone who doesn't stimulate you intellectually.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you advice on how to handle this. Is it a deal breaker? It certainly sounds like this is an issue that isn't going to get better.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I'm not sure what to say except I wonder why you married him if you didn't feel like you could share conversation and you were not sexually attracted to him. Two really important things for an enjoyable relationship, for me.

[dichotomy]

Women marry men hoping they will change.

 

Men marry women hoping they won't.

[Cephalopod]

You married a man you had no sexual compatibility with. This is a mess of your own making

 

Then you either ask him to go to sex therapy with you, or marriage coaching, or tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do.

 

If you were my wife I would thank you for the fun and send you on your way. I would divorce you and then find a woman who lusts for me.

[NTV]

Why isn't stimulating conversation your thing together?

 

 

It might suck to start, but I'm pretty sure that if you act interested and engage him, then he will reciprocate and you guys will be having real conversations before you know it.

 

 

And really, what is more stimulating of a conversation than one about sex, lol?

[FrenchToast]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you for responding. There are other qualities about him that I enjoy and admire. Him being a good person and one that treats me right won me over. I have been in "lustful" relationships and they also happened to be either physically abusive or emotionally abusive.

 

As I mentioned before - I do find him attractive. I just don't have that "lustful" feeling that someone mentioned. I also do not see him as a friend or roommate. I love my husband so I work to make our marriage work. I have mentioned counseling before so that we can go somewhere to talk and he does not think that I am just "unloading" all my negative feelings onto him. When I talk to him, it is to work on our relationship and not to bring him down. I have also tried to make appointments but he cannot just leave work to go to counseling. I have communicated that I wish that we talk more but his response is that he doesn't really know about the things that interest me so he does not know how to respond. I cannot get upset at him for not being interested in what I am interested in.

 

Stimulating conversation has not always been our "thing". It used to be that we worked a lot and discussed work or one of us was deployed so our communication was email. A couple years have passed and I think I have "grown" because now I go to college.

 

I do enjoy reading some of these comments about how this situation is a mess that I have created. It always seems to be the women's fault, am I correct? :laugh: As if a lustful sex drive is everything. We have only been married for three years but we have already survived longer than those who married the same year or the year after us. I imagine all that "lust" couldn't keep my friends together when deployment came around.

 

Yes, our sex drives are incompatible but at some time they were compatible. My hopes for this thread was that I could get ideas on how to keep my marriage working when I feel that I am in a rut. Thanks guys!!! :lmao:

Edited August 10, 2016 by FrenchToast

[Mr. Lucky]

I have also tried to make appointments but he cannot just leave work to go to counseling.

 

Don't understand what you mean. Couldn't you set appointment times for his time off or before/after his work day? No different than visiting the dentist.

 

I do enjoy reading some of these comments about how this situation is a mess that I have created. It always seems to be the women's fault, am I correct? :laugh: As if a lustful sex drive is everything.

 

Actually, it's always the fault of the partner that doesn't address a major issue like sexual compatibility before marrying, regardless of gender...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Survivedtothriving]

Question: there is no other man in your life right now, correct? You haven't found these qualities in another person that you have your eye on? I am not accusing you, just asking!

 

 

I think if you keep on this path, when a situation presents itself, you may find yourself falling for another man. You even said, "I literally fear the day that I meet a guy and we spend an hour or so talking about some subject." An affair would make your situation much, much worse.

 

 

Second, if he is in the military, I am positive he can get time off for marriage counseling once a week as long as he isn't gone away from work for hours at a time. All branches of the military put a lot of effort into keeping their members happy and focused on task. An hour a week of counseling is a lot better then hours and hours a week of lost time because of a divorce, bad marriage, affairs, etc. Did he ask for time off?? Does he truly want to go?

[FrenchToast]

I can see how this is a mess that I created if I chose to do nothing and then complained about our relationship as if I did not have any responsibility in it at all and decided that I wanted to end my marriage.

 

Survivedtothriving: There is no other man in my life right now. Before my marriage, the majority of my friendships were with men but since I became married I have sought out friendships with other women. So now I only hang out with other men with their wives or on group dates. In the past, I did have stimulating conversations with men and I cannot seem to find that in friendships with women. I hope one day that I can find a female friend that I can have long conversations with so I am not depending on my husband so much.

 

I do not think he ever asked for time off. I think that he does not want to go because all he would say is that he can't just go because there is not another person to cover his job at work. I think he doesn't want to bring it up to anyone at his work. And that is ok - I have realized today that I can start going without him. I have spoken with him and he says that he is happy with the way things are so I think a good place to start is with myself.

[BluesPower]

I don't think it is all you fault, you bear some maybe even most, of the responsibility. It is really hard to say for sure in these situations.

 

Men can get complacent in relationships, I have done it myself and I found out that you have to put the work in on the marriage.

 

I am not saying that sex in a marriage has to always be earth shattering all the time. But, is anyone's needs are not getting met, it is a recipe for disaster.

 

I think it is good to work on yourself, but even if your husband thinks everything is fine, that does not give him a pass. You have told him that some of your needs are not being met the way that you need them to be.

 

That should be a clue to him to take action, not just say "Oh, well I cool, it is your problem". At some point he has to get involved in counseling with you or he is not doing his duty as a husband.

 

So work on yourself and when you get to a good place, you are going to have to insist that he participate if there are still unmet needs.

 

For the love of Pete, do not let yourself get into an affair. I you think you are above it, think again. You have to be on guard in the state that you are in. Most sane people think they would never cheat on their spouse until they do.

 

Good luck and keep posting to let us know how it is going.

[Cephalopod]

I do not think he ever asked for time off. I think that he does not want to go because all he would say is that he can't just go because there is not another person to cover his job at work. I think he doesn't want to bring it up to anyone at his work. And that is ok - I have realized today that I can start going without him. I have spoken with him and he says that he is happy with the way things are so I think a good place to start is with myself.

 

Newsflash: Most men do not like going to any kind of marital counseling, because it requires two things we hate: being open about our feelings and communicating. Your husband is no different than 90% of us. Don't single him out as being the exception, because he is not.

 

You make the appointment anyway, and you tell him he does not have the option of not going.

 

You look him in the eye and you tell him that even though he may be happy with the status quo, you are not.

 

Start standing up for yourself and quit being passive. This is your marriage. Fight for it.

[stillafool]

 

I have communicated that I wish that we talk more but his response is that he doesn't really know about the things that interest me so he does not know how to respond. I cannot get upset at him for not being interested in what I am interested in.

 

 

 

Just start talking about the things that interest him to start the conversation. Really show an interest in what he's interests him. Then work the conversation into what interests you. If he doesn't know anything about it teach him as you talk.

[Aloha808808]

French toast I totally get where you are coming from and I'd love to chat with you further on this if you want to.

 

I'm also a military wife who's had to deal with the demands of the job and I think the longest we were out of contact for was 6 weeks with absolutely zero communication. It's hard, I get it. I've had the same doubts and questions after not having seen them in months. But it sounds like you genuinely want to improve your marriage and that's a good place to be in.

 

For those making comments about him just asking for time off work for marriage counseling I wonder how familiar you are with the military? While there are some good resources and services available to service members and their families; unless you have a really great command their priority is the military not your family. The common phrase is "if you needed a wife we would have issued you one". When my husband and I have experience difficulties, even medical health concerns, it's not uncommon when he has requested time off to attend appointments etc, for him to be told "just divorce her". So just asking for time off to get marriage counseling isn't as easy as you think it would be.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you tried watching documentaries, interesting movies, taking-up new projects to do together to improve the conversation?

 

To be honest computers, mobile devises have been the death of conversation for us too. It's something I'm trying to work on. It's hard. So many things in life are mostly habit. We get into our own little ruts far too easily. This goes for sex also.

 

It took me a long time to accept that marriage is work sometimes. I always wanted to believe in true love & all that stuff!

[Els]

I don't really understand. If the reason is lack of conversational compatibility, then surely he was the exact same way in the beginning of your relationship. People can get fat, start balding, etc - but intellect isn't something you just lose (barring severe neurodegenerative diseases). So, how is it that you were sexually attracted to him in the beginning? What changed?

[Mr. Lucky]

I could say that I had an idea of what I was getting myself into when I got married but now I am actually worried.

 

Elswyth, the issue predates her marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[caregiver]

If you don't have children then maybe you should do him a favor and divorce him and let him find someone compatible.

 

Men don't do well in sexless marriages. Its not healthy for them both physically and emotionally. Soon he will be posting here about how he is losing his mind and wanting to cheat cause he never gets his needs met at home. He is not going to change and learn to live with a meaningless sex life.

 

You never should have married him if you felt this way. Sorry to be so rough on you. I have been thru this. And counseling was a waste cause the counselor never figured out what the problem was. We did it on our own by communicating and being honest. And with minor compromise we worked it out. We had to as we had children and their needs became more important.

 

I think in your case you are into your marriage more than you are into your husband. You will both suffer a lot if this doesn't change.

Edited August 13, 2016 by caregiver

[Just a Guy]

Hi French Toast, having read your OP it seems apparent that you are faced with a genuine problem in your relationship. Also, from what you wrote about dreading meeting a man who is a great conversationalist it seems that you are a woman of character and would be loathe to cheat on your husband. Some of the other things that emerge from what you have written about your husband and yourself are that you do, indeed, love your husband, that he treats you with respect as opposed to your previous bad boy BFs who was/ were physically and verbally abusive, all the while providing you with reasonably good if not mind blowing sex, which in your book supercedes the sex that you enjoyed with these guys/guy. It also seems that for you, good conversations are a turn on something like fore play and therefore an essential ingredient in your being able to bond sexually with anyone. Since your husband is not fulfilling this vital requirement for you, you are finding it difficult to feel attracted to him sexually.

 

Assuming the above statements are true, you have to find ways and means to generate feelings of being attracted to your husband such that both of you are able to enjoy good sex together so that each of you actually feel fulfilled. In finding a path forward please remember that you have to get you husband on board. As is said colloquially, you cannot clap with one hand. Passing you have been able to convince your husband to work on this problem jointly with you, the next step would be to explore strategies on awakening attraction within yourself for him, sexually. Both of you could discuss this problem with a psychologist who deals with marital problems who could suggest ways in which you could shift emphasis from the importance of conversations to get you attracted to him to some other aspect of his persona. I am not a psychologist so I cannot say what can be done, just that I know that there will be a solution if you pursue it persistently. Another strategy the two of you could use may involve the use of male and female pheromones that you could get on prescription from your doc and use these at an appropriate time to turn yourselves on. The fact is that both of you need to be proactive rather than passive in finding ways and means to turn each other on. I guess I could go on but the gist of what I am saying is, don't look at this as a problem but rather as a challenge that both of you have to meet head on, together. Cheers.

[MissFour]

Maybe it's the lack of an emotional connection, and that in turn has caused you to be less interested in sex. Maybe with deployment and all, you drifted apart...also causing him to not feel close and nothing to talk about. How about getting a "hobby" -- something to discover together; just the two of you. Maybe get to know each other again -- if you have a hobby or some interest you enjoy, ask him to join you. And then have him introduce you to something he enjoys. Maybe then the conversation will flow more and you'll get back to the physical intimacy ???

 

But I think I follow you...I'm a talker. My husband and former flames have all been minimal talkers (especially compared to me )...but we did talk and talked more in the beginning to where it didn't seem like an issue per se before marriage. But as the relationships progressed, the conversations were less frequent, and shorter. I think we women thrive more on that and need it more to sustain physical attraction. Just keep engaging him.

 

Hope it works out

[Just a Guy]

Hi French Toast, something I forgot to mention in my previous post was that a marriage requires a lot of compromise and a military marriage even more than normal civilian marriages. Aloha made a good point in her post when she said how difficult it sometimes can be for a military husband to get time to attend to his family and domestic requirements. However she did not say how she and her husband coped with this problem. In your case you may be the one who has to make the bigger compromises to keep your marriage going. Just a thought.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Els]

Elswyth, the issue predates her marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, the conversational issue does, but she states she was still having sex with him frequently then. So what changed her desire to do so?

[Mr. Lucky]

So what changed her desire to do so?

 

I think one can only "fake it til you make it" for so long. Out of the honeymoon period, she's lost her will to do something she sees as work...

 

Mr. Lucky