Just a Guy Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Hi folks, I think the OP was not amused with the replies that she got and so has stopped responding. The fact is that she will have to take a leadership position in her marriage if she wants to restore the magic that brought the two of them together. Otherwise it is going to be the same old story of two people drifting apart because each feels that the other is not meeting their needs. Maybe an infidelity or two will be added to the mix and then of course the inevitable break up will inexorably result. Hope the OP wakes up in time. After all, according to her, she is the one who has perceived a problem in the union and not her husband. Just a thought! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 I think one can only "fake it til you make it" for so long. Out of the honeymoon period, she's lost her will to do something she sees as work... Mr. Lucky The OP says that "I've always wanted to have sex - right before we married, I made it a thing to have sex at least 3-4 times a week" though -the 'I did it because I didn't want to deprive him of sex' part only seems to have kicked in recently from what I'm reading. I guess I'm picking on this point because I think the way forward for the OP depends entirely on this - whether she ACTUALLY desired sex with him at the beginning or not. If she did, it might be salvageable, it's possible that their current rut is circumstantial or at least fixable. But if she has NEVER desired sex with him, I sincerely doubt all the counseling in the world will help them. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 OP, if you come back, no one is saying this is always a woman's fault. But apparently your husband right now has no clue you are "faking' it with him, or at best just going through the motions. And since he apparently is able to perform with you, it is YOU that has the issue. That is not blaming. It is stating a fact because he is sexually attracted to you. The fact that you in three years have lasted longer than your lustful friends in not relevant at all. You need to get YOURSELF to therapy to find out what the problem is in YOUR mind. military marriages are difficult to begin with and it is NOT being mean or attacking you to state the obvious, which is if you have no sexual attraction for your husband at some point you are going to run into a man who you DO have chemistry with. That will happen anyway. Very few people go through a long marriage without ever encountering a member of the opposite sex that they have some sort of attraction to. it is those that resist the urge to act on it that remain married in most cases. So until you figure this out, you are doing the correct thing staying away from having male "friends" to interact with. You might want to read a book called "Not Just Friends", which will reinforce for you how male friends can send even people who ARE sexually attracted lustfully to their spouse off the slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
linqer Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Can someone explain why good conversation is so important? I am a man and trying to understand What needs it's fill? Why for women's it's usually more important? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Can someone explain why good conversation is so important? I am a man and trying to understand What needs it's fill? Why for women's it's usually more important? How does one explain attraction? It's like asking someone who's into women with long hair "why is long hair so important?", or asking someone who's into dark-skinned (or olive-skinned, or fair-skinned, or whatever) women "why is skin so important?", or asking someone who's into boobs "why are boobs so important?" For some of us that's just what conversation is - it's part of attraction. I'd be more likely to be attracted to a man with a beer belly whom I could have great conversations with, than to a man with a Mr. Universe physique whom I could barely talk to. Also, conversation has the benefit that while looks fade eventually, good conversation can continue well into your 70s or 80s (til death or Alzheimers, whichever comes first). But speaking for myself, that isn't the primary reason. Even if conversation were as fleeting as good looks, I'd pick conversation anyday. It's not just women either, I know several men who require a connection and great conversations as an integral part of attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 It seems someone has had French Toast for breakfast! Have'nt heard from her in a while. Chuckle! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FrenchToast Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) WOW! Thanks everyone for your awesome replies! I guess I can't leave for a while and not having anyone come looking for me. It's kinda like my pets. I go to take a piss and they start banging on the door because they can't see what's going on. Okay bad comparison but... I thought the thread had pretty much died down so off I went to go work on myself to better my marriage. As for what changed - we as people change all the time. I'm not sure how many times my husband or I might change throughout our years together. Whenever he deploys, I get used to being on my own again. Of course I am married but I do everything by myself and when he comes homes there's an adjustment period. At one point, I was the one with the high sex drive but he had 12 hour work days so it was eat and sleep when he was home. I was resentful at first but then I got used to it. I can't be mad about his job. I told him about it later on so I cannot still be feeling resentful about it. As for faking sex - I've told him straight up that I cannot orgasm every single time but it sure does feel good for me when he does. I've told him that it feels better for me when we have sex once or twice a week every two weeks because it's the truth and I'm being honest with him. I have also told him that I understand that men have needs (I too was in the military and have seen some guys stray) and that I will have sex more often for him to meet his needs - so is it faking or is it pleasing? For me - the longer the wait - the better the results. I don't care at all that some of you are harsh and would divorce me in a heartbeat I appreciate blunt/abrasive people - things need to be said and give me perspective to think about - but I wouldn't have dated your type in the first place! For the others who say they don't mean to be mean - thank you - I get it - the truth can be rough! I went online with my husband and we browsed through some adult websites for toys and talked about what we could use or might use and that was something for us to bond over. I have also taken an interest in some of his hobbies and spent some time in areas of his interest or however you would call it and I think that it's brought us closer together. I admire his qualities. Now I remember what initially attracted me to him. We used to work together and he was usually the first to take initiative and he had a great work ethic. Now that I no longer work with him, I don't really ever see him in action. Now I get it. Just a guy: The female pheromone prescription you mentioned sounds very interesting. I would like to talk to my doctor about it since I think it really could help me out. I get stressed out with my college work - I wonder if that is a buzzkill all on its own. Edited August 18, 2016 by FrenchToast 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 I think you've mistaken the usual ebb and flow of a relationship for a loss of passion and interest. The fireworks of dating have dispersed and now you're less sure of things. It happens to everyone but you need to learn to work through it or you risk leaving a marriage and never actually learning how to move beyond new love/infatuation. Look at how much better you feel now you and your husband have put a little effort back into things. You have to keep trying and not just deciding unilaterally that your man will never be able to satisfy your needs. He has to try as well of course but you need to show him how. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 I went online with my husband and we browsed through some adult websites for toys and talked about what we could use or might use and that was something for us to bond over. I have also taken an interest in some of his hobbies and spent some time in areas of his interest or however you would call it and I think that it's brought us closer together. I admire his qualities. Now I remember what initially attracted me to him. We used to work together and he was usually the first to take initiative and he had a great work ethic. Now that I no longer work with him, I don't really ever see him in action. Now I get it. It's great that you've worked out your feelings and found out what changed. Do you think it's possible to reignite that spark by working on a project together or something? I get stressed out with my college work - I wonder if that is a buzzkill all on its own. Stress can be a buzzkill for both sexes for sure, and in general it tends to affect women worse than it does men. Are you able to take some time off to just pamper yourself and relax, once a week or so? Personally, I've found that just having a bit of time to relax regularly can do wonders for your libido. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 I went online with my husband and we browsed through some adult websites for toys and talked about what we could use or might use and that was something for us to bond over. I have also taken an interest in some of his hobbies and spent some time in areas of his interest or however you would call it and I think that it's brought us closer together. I admire his qualities. Now I remember what initially attracted me to him. We used to work together and he was usually the first to take initiative and he had a great work ethic. Now that I no longer work with him, I don't really ever see him in action. Now I get it. . Win/win. Hope you have some good adult fun... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 OP have you heard of the twenty five day sex challenge? I read it somewhere that this helps couples who are having a hard time engaging with each other sexually. What you do is, starting after the last day of your period, you and your husband have sex once or more every day for 25 days straight. No missing a day, no excuses, whether you or he are "in the mood" or not. I read that couples who do this have found that it forces them to reconnect and re-bond with one another, and that by the end of the 25 days they are actually looking forwards to having sex with each other instead of just it being a chore. But you have to do it and be consistent with it every day. You cannot skip. It has to be something the two of you commit to do together and you have to set aside time each day to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr_Fox Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 FrenchToast - Maybe the main problem you have with your partner is really being apart for much of the time and maybe that is causing you both problems? It is like living a single-life on your own and then when he returns you are expected to switch to be a loving Wife. Not easy for either of you! If it is intellectual chat you like then you can always chat with me! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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