No friends

[JellyTot]

As the thread title says: I have no friends and never have had. I have no idea why.

 

I'm fairly average looking, the nerdy and intelligent type. I try to be decent, kind, polite and considerate. I probably don't say a lot and have been told I'm "a puzzle" and difficult to read.

 

As a child I was ostracised at school and had no friends at all for a number of years. To be fair to the other children, some of them probably would have spoken to me if they weren't afraid of the bullies who had decided I was to be excluded.

 

As an adult I've never been very good at making friends and don't know how other people do it. I've gone out and joined hobby groups, and while I've been accepted as a member of the group who pays the monthly fee and is allowed to join in, none of the other people there are actually my friends. When there are get-togethers outside of the hobby such as a group of people going for a meal together, I'm not invited. There has been a lot of back stabbing and mean things done and said. There are people there who I've known for years, yet a new person joins and within a couple of months other people are cuddling them when they walk through the door and inviting them out. Some of the people they've chosen as friends are selfish or have done unpleasant, spiteful things. I try my hardest to be decent but I am not chosen as a friend. They have never cuddled me.

 

I try to make friends but nobody seems to want to be my friend. I had a birthday party and invited lots of people who enjoyed themselves at my expense. A few weeks later, several of them got together and hatched a plan to go behind my back and exclude me from a small sub-group of our hobby which I had been enjoying participating in. I didn't cry in front of them.

 

I'm highly qualified but can't get a decent job. I'm aware that a lot of recruitment is based on whether they like the person and want to work with them. I've been turned down for a lot of jobs but only one employer was honest (nasty?) enough to write me a rejection letter admitting that they thought my personality was too withdrawn, I didn't smile enough, I wasn't personable or friendly enough, and they therefore felt I wouldn't fit in with clients or employees. I feel discouraged because I'm a quiet person and that's just who I am; I can't change that. I'm never going to win a popularity contest and clearly qualifications aren't enough to get a decent job.

 

I don't know what else to do. I'm clearly not wanted or liked by other people, though I have no idea why. I would just like some nice, decent, trustworthy people to be my friend and spend time with me, and treat me as a friend and not stab me in the back.

[preraph]

Sounds to me like you need to rehabilitate your image, which would take work and wanting to do it. Have you ever been tested for things which might be causing you to have some sort of communication and body language deficit? I think you might want to rule that out.

 

Then maybe the right life coach (hopefully cheaper than a shrink) could spend time with you and give you honest feedback about what is putting people off. There must be something. Whether it's fixable easily or not depends what it is. Maybe you're tuning out when people talk or only talking about yourself or not giving them any feedback so they feel you are just blanking on them. Maybe you have a face that always looks mad or petulant or indifferent, which you could work on by changing facial expressions. Maybe you contradict everything someone says. That is infuriating. I have a friend who sometimes does it. Like if I say "This traffic is awful," you might always take the adversarial position and say "No, this is nothing. It's usually much worse."

 

Maybe you have nothing to talk about and are boring.

 

Maybe you are unreliable and don't do what you say you're going to do. Maybe you're too demanding or too clingy.

 

Without a friend to tell you these things, you need to hire a stranger who is willing to hurt your feelings and be honest with you. If you have any siblings, I'm sure they'd be glad to tell you all your flaws! They usually are.

[ChickiePops]

I'm sorry you feel ostracized and alone..it's a terrible feeling. Which is why I must preface what I'm about to say by making sure you know that I'm not trying to be cruel, only helpful.

 

If every single person you've ever encountered has felt the same way about you then it's not them, it's you. Are you sullen? Withdrawn? Cold? Unintentionally rude? Holier than thou? Arrogant? What you see as quiet can easily be misinterpreted as any of those.

 

Why not try to smile more. People are not going to flock to you unless you invite them in.

 

Best of luck, honestly. I hope you're able to overcome this. I'm sorry you're so lonely.

[JellyTot]

It's probably that I'm boring. I'm a bit of a nerd and don't watch sport or reality tv; I'm more likely to talk about current affairs or science. I'm withdrawn and tend to listen more than I speak. I'm also not good at small talk or gossip, and I'm very serious and probably don't smile a lot. If someone did cuddle me I would be slightly taken aback and feel it was an invasion of my personal space.

 

When I was a kid I wouldn't do anything that I considered to be breaking the rules, which was pretty much everything the other kids wanted to do. I was polite and did my homework and didn't smoke or hang around on street corners. I am still a stickler for the rules.

 

Regardless - you'd think there would be other people like me, or at least people who found me interesting, or even bearable. I don't think I could make myself be interested in football or care about celebrity gossip. I can't change my personality. And even if people don't particularly like me, I don't see why they have to do mean things behind my back.

[JewelD]

It's probably that I'm boring. I'm a bit of a nerd and don't watch sport or reality tv; I'm more likely to talk about current affairs or science. I'm withdrawn and tend to listen more than I speak. I'm also not good at small talk or gossip, and I'm very serious and probably don't smile a lot. If someone did cuddle me I would be slightly taken aback and feel it was an invasion of my personal space.

 

When I was a kid I wouldn't do anything that I considered to be breaking the rules, which was pretty much everything the other kids wanted to do. I was polite and did my homework and didn't smoke or hang around on street corners. I am still a stickler for the rules.

 

Regardless - you'd think there would be other people like me, or at least people who found me interesting, or even bearable. I don't think I could make myself be interested in football or care about celebrity gossip. I can't change my personality. And even if people don't particularly like me, I don't see why they have to do mean things behind my back.

 

Not everyone who has friends talks about celebrities, cuddles and breaks the rules.

 

Part of your issue may be that you think you are inherently unlikable. It's probably something you're doing that you're not conscious of.

 

You're a bit pessimistic and that can make uncomfortable. You don't have to smile all day, but if you don't make people feel good when they are around you, they will not want to be around you.

 

You also seem fairly sensitive. You can't take everything personally. It's not stabbing in the back when people go out and don't invite you. Sometimes they just want to hang out with a particular person. It doesn't have to be the same group every time.

 

There are other people with similar interests to you, but you have to be willing to find them and approach them. It takes work to maintain friendships and regardless of what your personality is like, you have to put in the effort.

 

Not to mention you will run into a lot of ppl who just aren't good quality friends. I had friends in college I only hung out with when I went out to party. That's all they were good for. Then I had friends who I talked to only in class. Then I had my real friends who I talked to about serious stuff and hung out with on a daily basis.

 

You really only need one good friend, and most people, even those who hang out in huge groups, still only have one or two people they consider close friends.

[sickoflove11]

Everyone on here has given great advice so far. I just thought I would add that I too have no real friends. I wish I had even one person I was close with. BUT I have grown to realize that half the problem, if not more, may be my own fault. Most of the time I cannot stand other people. It's hard for me to deal with difficult issues and people so I just would rather be alone. I try to get close with someone and then I just see all the issues and drama it will bring to my life. I feel no one understands me and I must just make things too difficult to be my friend.

This may not be the case for you at all, but after awhile of seeing a pattern, we need to reevaluate what the real issue is. I've realized that even though I crave friendship all the time, I am just not the greatest at being close friends with many people. It will take a special person to deal with and understand me, this I understand and have accepted.

[ChickiePops]

It's probably that I'm boring. I'm a bit of a nerd and don't watch sport or reality tv; I'm more likely to talk about current affairs or science. I'm withdrawn and tend to listen more than I speak. I'm also not good at small talk or gossip, and I'm very serious and probably don't smile a lot. If someone did cuddle me I would be slightly taken aback and feel it was an invasion of my personal space.

 

When I was a kid I wouldn't do anything that I considered to be breaking the rules, which was pretty much everything the other kids wanted to do. I was polite and did my homework and didn't smoke or hang around on street corners. I am still a stickler for the rules.

 

Regardless - you'd think there would be other people like me, or at least people who found me interesting, or even bearable. I don't think I could make myself be interested in football or care about celebrity gossip. I can't change my personality. And even if people don't particularly like me, I don't see why they have to do mean things behind my back.

 

You sound very judgmental, uncomfortable, and arrogant in this post. It seems like you think you're smarter than everyone. If you act this way in real life then I bet this is why...

 

Were you aware?

[preraph]

It's probably that I'm boring. I'm a bit of a nerd and don't watch sport or reality tv; I'm more likely to talk about current affairs or science. I'm withdrawn and tend to listen more than I speak. I'm also not good at small talk or gossip, and I'm very serious and probably don't smile a lot. If someone did cuddle me I would be slightly taken aback and feel it was an invasion of my personal space.

 

When I was a kid I wouldn't do anything that I considered to be breaking the rules, which was pretty much everything the other kids wanted to do. I was polite and did my homework and didn't smoke or hang around on street corners. I am still a stickler for the rules.

 

Regardless - you'd think there would be other people like me, or at least people who found me interesting, or even bearable. I don't think I could make myself be interested in football or care about celebrity gossip. I can't change my personality. And even if people don't particularly like me, I don't see why they have to do mean things behind my back.

 

Well, two borings don't make an exciting. It just doubles the boring. However, you may just be working the wrong crowd for starters. Lots of people are interested in current affairs and some in science. Those are not boring, although going on about a science project to someone not a scientist IS boring and I can attest to this because I had a scientist boyfriend at one point and he would go on and on about his master thesis which involved a certain kind of clam and it was way over my head and BOR-ING.

 

The one thing you can fix that will help you meet people right now is to force yourself to smile. It doesn't have to look natural. Find your best smile in the mirror and use it. Preferable a big toothy smile but any will do. I am not a natural smiler either and I wish I had been told to change my frowny ways in my 20s because I'd have had way more boyfriends. I would later find out from a couple of men that I look intimidating. One big smile fixes that and makes you look fun. I found out a funny thing just about 10 years ago, which was even though I'm not a big smiler, I noticed people out in retail responding to me if I just looked at them and acknowledged them by raising both my eyebrows and a little smile. So I started testing it, and sure enough people would make eye contact and then say hi or something when I did that. That was my personal thing that opens my frowny face up. There's a way to make things work for you. So start there.

 

Be sure the current affairs you stay up with include a wide variety so that even if you hate reality shows, as I usually do, you at least know what someone is referencing, and you can do that as simply as by doing what I do, which is watch Wendy Williams' show, and she does entertainment gossip and you'll soon know at least who a lot of people are who are current in entertainment. And she's funny, so win/win.

 

Then get out of your rut by pushing the envelope and trying different types of books than you normally read, different movies than you normally watch, different activities. I too don't do sports and it hasn't crippled me socially though I have been very bored at many a business lunch (I live in Texas - sports is all anyone here is fluent about). If you can get interested in any sport enough to keep up a little, then great. My thing was music, so that was my fanatical conversation piece.

 

Again, you may not have found your crowd. But once you do find it, you'll need to make yourself smile. Being a good listener is one thing. Being silent and not giving feedback is quite another and the same as not being there at all. To be a good listener, practice listening well to an important part of what they're telling you and then to show them you're listening, rephrase a bit of what they said and repeat it back. This is an old trick used by motivational speakers and journalists to make a person feel you are really on their wave length and sympathetic and to keep them talking. So if she says, "I'm having some stress at work because my assistant manager is giving me a hard time and I don't know what I can do about it," you might nod and say, "Oh, it sucks when you get crossways with your manager, doesn't it?" or "Oh, jeez, what is he doing?" Feedback.

 

Listen, it's not that hard to change just these little things to make yourself more appealing socially, and it's well worth it. Before long, you will be interesting because you will have a social life and experiences to talk about. Good luck.

[smackie9]

You should take assertive training course, a sales course and public speaking. I think this will give you a chance to develop some confidence and some social skills. Pull you out of your comfort zone. Then try a more physical hobby like indoor rock climbing...something that challenges you.

 

And of course you have friends here.....you can come by anytime to talk.

[Satu]

A fair question in this discussion is:

 

Do you like people?

 

Not anyone in particular, just people in general?

[Fair]

First off... don't start bashing yourself. There are many reasons people struggle with these issues in life and they don't always mean there's something wrong with you. In fact, it can mean there's something VERY right about you instead.

 

Gifted people for example, struggle with more challenges personally and professionally than most people... ironic but true. So don't automatically believe people who tell you you need to fix yourself. You need to understand yourself instead.

 

Start by going online, and not on a forum like this one, and start doing some research into yourself. Try Carl Jung's personality test and go from there. That alone was a blessing to me, who has had many of the challenges you're facing now. You may be surprised at what you find.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Fair

[Fair]

Here's a website you might find interesting. See if it applies to you...

 

Characteristics of Gifted Adults ? Gifted, Talented & Creative Adults

[Mr_Fox]

Jelly - if I were you I would not worry about it at all. Be yourself!

 

I had loads of friends growing up but now I am quite happy to have few friends. Yes, I do have some good friends from the past but have also been let down by the back-stabbing types too.

 

I have found that if you smile at people they can suddenly open up to you as they see you in a different light. It really works well with the opposite sex. :-)

 

But you have to realise most people like chatting about pointless things such a celebrities and local gossip.

 

Try taking this online personality type test to better understand yourself...

Myers Briggs Test | MBTI Personality Types

 

I also like chatting about current events too. So you can always chat with me! ,-)

[TheWoman]

I could see one of my sons posting something similar when he gets a bit older. Except he knows that he has Asperger's, so he wont need to. Might be something worth looking into. Aspies can be very high functioning, often achieving much more academically than neuro-typicals. A diagnosis, even later in life, is liberating. Not that I am diagnosing you ! The issues just seem similar.

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like you are deeply introverted. Unfortunately, we live in a society where the majority of people are extraverts. You don't need to change who you are, but it may help to try and develop your extravert traits. You do have some - everybody does. You don't need to act like a super outgoing person, but you can learn to be a little more friendly and talkative during certain situations. A lot of extraverts feel uncomfortable with silence or feeling as if they can't read a person. I'm introverted, and small-talk is a pain in the ass for me, but it's better to go along with it sometimes. I see it as humouring the other person to help them feel comfortable, not as changing myself.

 

Although... I think there is more to this than just being a quiet person. I suspect that you're afraid to open up to people. In the two years that you have been going to this group, how much would you say that they know about you? I'm not asking that to be mean, but to get a better idea of how you interact with people.

Edited August 19, 2016 by SpiralOut