Stay Gone? Or Go Home?

[morrabby]

So I just recently left my husband, and I need outside advice. To give some background, we were high school sweethearts and each other’s first loves. We met when I was 15 and he was 18. We dated for a couple years, broke up…dated for a couple years, broke up…then got back together and got married. I would describe him as the best man on this planet. He’s one of those people that everyone loves. I have never heard of one person disliking him. He’s amazing. That being said…he was not always amazing to me.

 

The first time we dated, he lied to me many times. He would get drunk and text girls telling them to come over to his house. He had sex with someone while we were on a “break” and I asked him repeatedly if anything ever happened with anyone and he denied denied denied and then I finally heard it from someone else months later. The second time we dated, he completely cheated on me. He told me and felt bad but denied my request to work it out. And the third time we were together(married), I genuinely don’t think he was doing anything behind my back. However, I DID find out that someone I had previously questioned him about over and over and over again that he swore he never did anything with-he did indeed have sex with her at some point. Also, there was a day that I found woman’s underwear in my bathroom that were not mine. He seemed to be telling the truth that he didn’t know where they came from however I can’t say I can fully trust or believe him.

 

Despite all these things, he was always the one for me. I always KNEW I’d end up with him. I always wanted him more than anything in the world. However, deep down I always knew it wasn’t quite the same for him. He says that it was, but I don’t think I was ever his “one.” He treated me well in the sense that he was never mean, and would do anything I asked of him. Despite all the darkness in our relationship, it was still always so light. We had the most ridiculous and hilarious times together. I will always love this man. For the last 7 months of our marriage, I told him over and over again that I needed more love from him. I told him I felt like he didn’t care and I needed him to show me something. He would say he understands and he’s sorry but then still…nothing. Then one day we got into a fight, and he seemed so cold to me like how he used to be when we were together in the past. I felt like I just all the sudden had this HUGE perspective change. I felt like all of the sudden, I was angry at myself for allowing myself to take so much crap from him for 10 years. I felt like if I had had ANY self worth as a teenager, I would have NEVER stayed with him over a year and a half.

 

Mix this with the fact that we had zero passion. I don’t know if we really ever did. I think we only had sex so much as teenagers because we were teenagers! Maybe it was because I never fully trusted him, maybe it’s because he never truly loved me, idk..but I’m a very sexual person and I never ever wanted to have sex with him.

 

Mix this with the fact that we had NOTHING in common. We never really did each other’s hobbies, or hung out with each other’s friends-but we were supportive of each other. We each had our own lives which was such a pro for me for so long. But all of the sudden, it just seemed like it was too much.

 

Mix this all with the fact that I have daddy issues and perhaps was always just attached to him because he's the first man who showed me love? I don't know.. But So, I told him all of this and I told him I was leaving. He said he would do anything to make it work. He said he didn’t want to lose me. He’s lost 20lbs since I left and I know he’s sad. But I don’t know what to do. Seeing pictures of him is so painful. Thinking of our amazing times is so painful. I’ve cried almost every single day for over 3 months. But I’m so confused. I don’t know if this is normal for a breakup…or if this means I made a horrible mistake…I don’t know where to turn.

 

 

 

Everybody thinks we should be together. My life is set with him. He makes great money and would always take care of me. He would be a great father. He is the most amazing person ever put on earth. I have so much fun with him. I’m certain I could be content with him forever and ever. His family is my family and I love them so so much. I love him and will always love him and I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else as much. But somehow, I still don’t know if it was the right place for me…? Anybody have a similar situation? Am I crazy? Am I right to do this? I need help so badly

[KBarletta]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Welcome to LS.

 

Have you ever been to counseling? You should not be suffering and trying to answer these questions without trying to work through it with him (as it does sound as though you love him and genuinely want it to work, if it can.)

 

BUT ... I'd also advise you to stop putting him on a pedestal. "He is the most amazing person ever put on earth." No, he isn't. He has cheated on you and lied to you. How does that jibe with what you said? He is flawed. We all are.

 

IF you want this to work out, I'd advise you to talk to your husband, share your feelings of ambivalence with him, and suggest joint marriage counseling.

 

It is possible to rekindle your passion and to work through your other issues, but I think it's going to take a 100 percent commitment from both of you and lots of counseling.

 

I wish you luck.

[pteromom]

He’s amazing. That being said…he was not always amazing to me.

 

The first time we dated, he lied to me many times. He would get drunk and text girls telling them to come over to his house. He had sex with someone while we were on a “break” and I asked him repeatedly if anything ever happened with anyone and he denied denied denied and then I finally heard it from someone else months later. The second time we dated, he completely cheated on me. He told me and felt bad but denied my request to work it out. And the third time we were together(married), I genuinely don’t think he was doing anything behind my back. However, I DID find out that someone I had previously questioned him about over and over and over again that he swore he never did anything with-he did indeed have sex with her at some point. Also, there was a day that I found woman’s underwear in my bathroom that were not mine. He seemed to be telling the truth that he didn’t know where they came from however I can’t say I can fully trust or believe him.

 

He honestly doesn't sound very amazing. He sounds like he is able to say and do things in a way that cause people to like him. That is NOT the same thing as being a man of integrity and honor - which he is obviously NOT.

 

Despite all these things, he was always the one for me. I always KNEW I’d end up with him. I always wanted him more than anything in the world. However, deep down I always knew it wasn’t quite the same for him. He says that it was, but I don’t think I was ever his “one.”

 

Maybe not. But you can't view this as a fault of YOURS. He may not be capable of having a "one". It sounds like he really enjoys being with different women, and he might just not share your desire to truly commit to each other from the heart.

 

Despite all the darkness in our relationship, it was still always so light. We had the most ridiculous and hilarious times together. I will always love this man.

 

It's ok to always love him. That doesn't mean he is right for you.

 

For the last 7 months of our marriage, I told him over and over again that I needed more love from him. I told him I felt like he didn’t care and I needed him to show me something. He would say he understands and he’s sorry but then still…nothing.

 

He probably doesn't know HOW to give you "more love" in the way you want it.

 

Mix this with the fact that we had zero passion. I don’t know if we really ever did. I think we only had sex so much as teenagers because we were teenagers! Maybe it was because I never fully trusted him, maybe it’s because he never truly loved me, idk..but I’m a very sexual person and I never ever wanted to have sex with him.

 

It's because you can't be vulnerable with him. If you can't be open and vulnerable, sex isn't good. And you can't be open and vulnerable with someone who has repeatedly cheated on you.

 

Mix this with the fact that we had NOTHING in common. We never really did each other’s hobbies, or hung out with each other’s friends-but we were supportive of each other. We each had our own lives which was such a pro for me for so long. But all of the sudden, it just seemed like it was too much.

 

This wouldn't matter if he was meeting your needs and making you feel loved when you were together. But when he didn't, then all the distance just seems that much greater.

 

He said he would do anything to make it work. He said he didn’t want to lose me. He’s lost 20lbs since I left and I know he’s sad. But I don’t know what to do. Seeing pictures of him is so painful. Thinking of our amazing times is so painful. I’ve cried almost every single day for over 3 months. But I’m so confused. I don’t know if this is normal for a breakup…or if this means I made a horrible mistake…I don’t know where to turn.

 

You don't HAVE to make a decision right now. If your heart is torn, create a path for him to earn his way back to you.

 

1 - NO DATING or sleeping with other people while you are considering reconciliation. If you find out he is seeing anyone else, it is immediately over.

2 - He must begin individual counseling to learn why he cheated and work through some of his issues. You can do the same at the same time for your issues.

3 - When his (and your) counselors say you are ready, if you are both still open to reconciliation, you will start joint counseling to talk through the issues in your marriage and see what happens.

4 - No sex or dating or seeing each other until the counselors give the ok. It just confuses things, and you should both be working on yourselves during this time.

 

If he will really DO ANYTHING, he will agree. And whatever happens will happen organically without you having to make a decision based on "what ifs".

 

If he doesn't see it through, it means that he won't really DO ANYTHING. He'll just AGREE to anything, which isn't at all the same thing.

[DKT3]

You've changed your expectations of the marriage and he hasn't adjusted to it.

 

Is he fighting for you back? If he is, it maybe worth another run, if not it maybe time to keep moving forward.

 

I saw my parents go through this dynamic. When my siblings and I were growing up my mom focused 125% of her time and energy on us. Helicopter mom. My father pretty much lived a separate life in terms of husband and wife. Spent alot of time with friends .

 

Once my little sister left, after 24 years of totally focusing on us, she turned it on him. All if a sudden she wanted his attention. They found that they actually had very little in common. After a few years they found common interests and renewed vigor for their marriage. Don't know about sex and passion, don't even want to think about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

He’s one of those people that everyone loves. I have never heard of one person disliking him. He’s amazing.

 

I felt like if I had had ANY self worth as a teenager, I would have NEVER stayed with him

 

Can't help but feel these two things are connected. To feel better about yourself, you have to see him as this "amazing" person, boosting your value just by being the object of his affection. The effect of this has led you to gloss over some pretty reprehensible behavior on his part.

 

He makes great money and would always take care of me. He would be a great father. He is the most amazing person ever put on earth. I have so much fun with him. I’m certain I could be content with him forever and ever.

 

Will any of this matter if you can never trust him or feel safe in the relationship? He's consistently indicated he won't be faithful (women's underwear in your bathroom? Hmmmmm...) or concerned with the effect of his infidelity on you and your marriage.

 

Doesn't sound very hopeful ...

 

Mr. Lucky