His Family Won't Accept Me - That Scarlet A

[Redwood66]

I have been in a committed relationship for several years, and we have been living together for one year. Our history began back in the 90s when we were in an affair. The affair ended, and 20 years later his wife had an affair and divorced him.

 

After his divorce, he was in what he describes as a rebound relationship that he ended (due to the girlfriend's infidelity) about a month prior to us reconnecting. His former girlfriend has accused him of leaving her for me. Much gossip has been spread around his small town by both of his exes.

 

I'm not sure there's anything I can do to change the fact that my boyfriend's family has absorbed alot of the gossip, and it's manifested itself in ways such as not accepting my Facebook friend requests, snubbing me whenever boyfriend is not by my side, etc. No one has come out and confronted me in any way, but they continue to have contact with the ex wife and the ex girlfriend - and it's obvious some of them are sympathetic to the exes.

 

I feel it's hypocritical of the wife to play the victim, since her marriage ended not because of my affair with her husband over 20 years ago, but because of her own affair and decision to move in with the affair partner. She is simply angry that her husband has chosen to move on with me, in particular.

 

As far as the ex girlfriend, she has no moral high ground to stand on at all. Her relationship with my partner was over long before he reconnected with me, and it ended because SHE cheated.

 

I just want a chance to be close to his family, because he is very tight with them. I am a good person who made a bad mistake decades ago. I was very remorseful and personally apologized to the ex-wife for my conduct. It doesn't seem fair that I am ostracized now for what both of my boyfriend's exes seem to have been given passes for by his family. Wherever we go, there is someone who knows or is related to one of his exes, and you can TELL gossip has poisoned the well for me before I ever meet these people.

 

My boyfriend, by the way, has spoken to his family about the situation and told them that it's NOT okay for them to snub me and ingratiate themselves to the exes who were disloyal. His relatives either play stupid about it or promise to be supportive of our relationship, but then the subtle shunning continues behind his back. I've chosen not to make an issue of it with him, because he is in the middle and has no power over what others think or do.

 

I think, in reading through this post, that my only option is to focus on him and just accept that I may be the outsider forever. I just don't want it to come between us.

[JewelD]

This entire situation is all typed of fked up to the point where you should not be expecting things to go well with his family. and just bc he said his relationship ended a month prior to you guys reconnecting doesn't mean it is true. He doesn't seem like an honest person with a good track record, and you should recognize that even though you are part of that record.

 

So 20 years went by and you had nothing to do with him at all during that time? I just find that hard to believe, especially if his family is still upset with you.

 

Nobody appears to be innocent in the situation. They may always snub you but there's really nothing you can do about it but ignore them and move on with your life.

[todreaminblue]

Hey redwood, the only thing you can do is treat his family with respect and be the best you can be.....over time when they see your dignity respect and grace that you carry yourself with , and in that dignity and kindess you show theyw ill see how you love respect and treat their son and or family member they may warm to you......if they dont....then you arent guilty of anything and your partner will see that and you will feel it...be at peace with who you are and your past..others and their pasts...have no bearing on what is in yours.....anymore......i wish you well..deb

[Redwood66]

So 20 years went by and you had nothing to do with him at all during that time? I just find that hard to believe

 

Yes, 20 years went by and I had nothing to do with him at all. Over that time I was married and faithful, and never in a MILLION YEARS thought I would hear from him again. By the time I did, I had been divorced and alone for 18 months.

 

As far as his honesty regarding his ex girlfriend, there is plenty of corroboration about what happened and when, including emails from her to him after their break-up.

[Redwood66]

Hey redwood, the only thing you can do is treat his family with respect and be the best you can be.....over time when they see your dignity respect and grace that you carry yourself with , and in that dignity and kindess you show theyw ill see how you love respect and treat their son and or family member they may warm to you......if they dont....then you arent guilty of anything and your partner will see that and you will feel it...be at peace with who you are and your past..others and their pasts...have no bearing on what is in yours.....anymore......i wish you well..deb

 

Thank you so much, Deb. I will do my best to continue being kind to them when I'm around them and to love him through the ups and downs of life.

When they see how loyal I am and how supportive I am of his relationships with them (despite how they treat me), maybe that will change their conduct.

If not, I will just have to let it go.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you so much, Deb. I will do my best to continue being kind to them when I'm around them and to love him through the ups and downs of life.

When they see how loyal I am and how supportive I am of his relationships with them (despite how they treat me), maybe that will change their conduct.

If not, I will just have to let it go.

 

its hard not to warm to wards someone...who is truly warm.....i can tell you are...because it actually means something to you, that they would warm to you....i dont feel you will have to wait long......:0)...what you give...will come back you...you will get what you give........best wishes..deb

[minimariah]

I think, in reading through this post, that my only option is to focus on him and just accept that I may be the outsider forever. I just don't want it to come between us.

 

this.

 

if it doesn't work out... it doesn't work out - between you & his family. you tried, you were nice & friendly and well... their move now. amazing to see your boyfriend fully supporting you & backing you up in front of them... that's important. as long as you continue to communicate openly + as long as you act as one unit... all good. your relationship should be #1 for the both of you -- when others see that... they'll accept it and treat it that way, too. it seems to me that you're just hurt... i don't think it will come between the two of you if it did not by now. good luck.

[Standard-Fare]

Winning over the entire family is just not going to happen. However, it could be possible to break through the wall with at least one or two of them.

 

I would focus on a family member who has shown you some openness. Be consistently friendly and warm with them, act like the messed-up background here is no big deal. Let them see you as an actual human being, not just a "mistress from the past."

 

If it feels right, extend some kind of social invitation. Maybe at some point you'd be able to candidly share your own side of the story.

 

If you establish good terms with at least one of them, that should deflate at least a little of the negativity.

[darkmoon]

I would not try too hard to win anybody round, if at all. It looks desperate.

 

You sound a tad young, even immature, to be giving a damn. They have their own lives to lead, so you are not central to their lives at all.

 

Sorry that they are central to yours to the extent that you need Loveshack. Just be pleasant as the need arises. You are probably prettier than them.

Edited August 11, 2016 by darkmoon

[Redwood66]

I would not try too hard to win anybody round, if at all. It looks desperate.

 

You sound a tad young, even immature, to be giving a damn. They have their own lives to lead, so you are not central to their lives at all.

 

Sorry that they are central to yours to the extent that you need Loveshack. Just be pleasant as the need arises. You are probably prettier than them.

 

I do feel immature sometimes, but I'm actually 49, and I don't want to be central to their lives - I think I just want to be accepted more than I can realistically expect to be.

 

As far as being prettier than them, well..I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.

[BettyDraper]

I would not try too hard to win anybody round, if at all. It looks desperate.

 

You sound a tad young, even immature, to be giving a damn. They have their own lives to lead, so you are not central to their lives at all.

 

Sorry that they are central to yours to the extent that you need Loveshack. Just be pleasant as the need arises. You are probably prettier than them.

 

Where is the desperation in the desire to foster close family relationships? The desire to be close to a partner's family is normal and mature.

 

This has nothing to do with the OP wanting to be "central to their lives."