theotherwoman217 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I have been with my husband for over 20 years (10 of those married) and have a child. I love my husband with all my heart and am still in love with him. While all my emotional needs are met, our sex life has diminished because of a series of his health problems. A co-worker and I have been friends for about 9 months now. He's also married, one older child. It started as a friendship, work only. Gradually, our conversation got flirtatious over a period of a few months and one thing led to another. Our hard limit was no kissing on the lips and no intercourse. Over a period of a month, we had oral sex. Our work environment is, unfortunately, well suited for an affair. His reasoning was because his wife only wants "vanilla" sex just a few times a year, does not give him oral or anal which he likes. He's quick to stick up for her as I am with my husband. We both have no interests to leave our spouses. Socially, we are complete opposites. Sexually, 120% compatible. Trust me, I know there's always 3 sides to every story...yours, theirs, the truth. Our affair is solely physical. We crossed a hard limit and have had intercourse about 3 times. Last week, I crossed another and kissed him. He kissed me back eagerly. Last week, we had sex for over a hour. He showered right after as it was towards the end of the work day. I still smelled my perfume on him, told him and he reshowered. The next day, he told me when he got home his wife smelled either my perfume or the sex smell, because as she asked what that smell was. He said that he had to shower at work, maybe it was the soap. Our department head jobs almost require daily showers, so it's not unbelievable. I told him that although I was the OW, I still had a conscious and said we needed to end our affair so he wouldn't get caught. I truly care that his marriage doesn't end (I know, I know...hypocrite). He agreed. That lasted 24 hours. Hardest day in my life. The next day, while working, we had to be alone in an private area. Tension was there. Long story short, we kissed and had oral sex. We're back to where we were before. No, I don't intend on ending the affair as neither does he. Do I feel guilty? A little. I guess my issues are... Has anyone had such a hard time ending a purely physically affair? When we first had sex, it was anything but vanilla because that was what he got at home. Now, the sex is becoming more, for lack of a better word, romantic. Foreplay, slow, passionate, kissing, looking at each other in the eye during, etc. I still don't have any emotional ties to him and I hope he doesn't also (he says he doesn't). I started out wanting and liking it rough, no emotions. He has expressed that he likes it on the slower side. I'm just afraid when that happens too much, feelings are going to develop. Anyone in a similar position? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Do you actually believe yourself when you say emotions aren't involved? Why was that day difficult when you didn't interact with him? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theotherwoman217 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 S2B, I've thought about the emotions. I truly don't think there are any, at least on my side. As for that day, we had to constantly interact, usually alone. That's what made it so hard. Our jobs require that kind of interaction unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 You're denying the feelings, but the feelings are there. You made a fabulous Freudian Slip, when you said, "I still had a conscious." The more you deny the feelings, the harder the will hammer on the door of your "conscious." Maybe part of you believes that if "it's only physical," you haven't really betrayed your husband. No. Scratch that "maybe," that is what you're doing. "I'm not really betraying my husband, because it's only physical." Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author theotherwoman217 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I know I'm betraying my husband; I never said I wasn't. I'm not in denial over that. That's where I feel my guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I know I'm betraying my husband; I never said I wasn't. I'm not in denial over that. That's where I feel my guilt. I understand about the poor sex life but doing what you're doing will suck the life out of the man you say you're in love with. I'd suggest you do some careful reevaluation of your claim of no emotions as you're will to do this not only to your H but also to a lady that has pledged her life to your OM....How does one justify this to oneself....without lying to oneself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 If you yearn to have him inside you and you crossed that boundary YOU set for YOURSELF - you think your emotions aren't involved when you betrayed yourself by crossing that boundary? How is it you are reasoning these conflicts with yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 If there are no emotions involved then why not just stop? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 But you believe you're not 'betraying him in your heart,' because 'it's only physical.' You say, "I love my husband with all my heart and am still in love with him," yet you are betraying him with another man. You stress that there no feelings for your affair partner. Thats how you're trying to quell your Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance: "This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time. Dissonance increases with: The importance of the subject to us. How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict. Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict. Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a very powerful motivator which will often lead us to change one or other of the conflicting belief or action. The discomfort often feels like a tension between the two opposing thoughts. To release the tension we can take one of three actions: Change our behavior. Justify our behavior by changing the conflicting cognition. Justify our behavior by adding new cognitions. Dissonance is most powerful when it is about our self-image. Feelings of foolishness, immorality and so on (including internal projections during decision-making) are dissonance in action. If an action has been completed and cannot be undone, then the after-the-fact dissonance compels us to change our beliefs. If beliefs are moved, then the dissonance appears during decision-making, forcing us to take actions we would not have taken before." (All credit to David Straker for quoted material above.) I leave this thread at this point, as I've nothing more to add. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 The more you are intimidate with him, the more the feelings will grow. Everyone says the same thing "it's just sex" then when they want to end it they can't. Why? Because it's not just sex. A one night stand is just sex. An affair is anything but that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SnowBaby Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It sounds like his emotions are probably guilt and fear of getting caught. I will say that men use the vanilla sex excuse when trying to start something with an affair partner, or right after a divorce when talking about an ex. That always irked me after I divorced. I was sexually comparable with my first husband, as we were both kinky and sexual explorers. We divorced because of other issues. Anyhow, it seemed like every guy that I dated would tell me how vanilla his ex was, or how he never had sex. It seemed to me to be a ploy to let me show mr vanilla just how sexual I am. Being the confident and sexual woman that I am, I never felt the need to prove anything. It sounds like the guy is out to get his sexual needs filled. He is telling you that he doesn't have any feelings for you. But it does sound like you are getting attached to him. Don't lie to yourself. I am only telling you this before you get really hurt. And hurt your husband, someone you really love. It isn't fair to you and your innocent husband because your coworker can't be a man and ask his wife for something that he isn't getting in their relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Are you sure you're being honest with yourself? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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