Do I have a right to see my nephew?

[turnera]

I'm pretty sure that, unless she has some sort of issue where people don't like her, they don't have a problem having her around or even babysitting, whenever she's in town. Babysitting as in in their house. I'm pretty sure their issue is the thought of taking their toddler to a big event in a PARK.

[Taramere]

I think particularly when children are young, there are certain boundaries whereby you don't "take over" the parenting role - even as an auntie - and I would see taking young children to a family reunion without their parents as crossing that boundary a bit. It's not about being incapable or untrustworthy or anything like that. It's more about respecting that there are some aspects of child care that you leave to the parents. And I would class the special thing of introducing children to extended family members as being among those aspects.

 

As far as having a legal right to see a nephew goes, I don't know how things work where you are...but where I live, there would be nothing to stop an aunt or uncle raising an action for contact. However, if both parents defended it then unless those parents were deadbeats or very clearly being malicious (and acting in a way that was contrary to the child's interests) by withholding contact, a court would tend to take the view that parents are entitled to be left to make these decisions without courts interfering.

 

I would generally say that if you start out with the question of "what rights do I have a right in respect of a particular child?" then you're probably going to proceed along the wrong path of thinking. What's in his interests? That's the important part. Is it really in your nephew's best interests for an aunt he hasn't seen in 6 months to take him along to a reunion full of relatives-but-still-strangers, without either of his primary carers or people he sees on a regular basis close at hand? Imagine him getting stressed out. Feeling shy around all these strangers, but not having a primary carer close at hand to snuggle/hide behind when it's all becoming too overwhelming for him.

 

My niece felt comfortable putting me in that surrogate mother-to-hide-behind role from a very young age, but my nephew wouldn't be "mothered" in that way by anybody other than my SIL. And I lived very near, had very regular contact with them when they were small. If you haven't seen your 20 month nephew for 6 months then I'm really not surprised that his parents aren't keen on the idea of you taking him out to a family reunion where he's likely to get stressed and confused, as toddlers do, and need the comfort of primary carers close at hand.

 

I don't think you need to perceive this as a slur that you're not a capable person to look after children. No doubt if you did take him to the reunion you'd cope, but that still doesn't mean it's a great experience to subject a little toddler to (ie the busy social environment without a primary carer there), and I can understand why his parents said no to the idea.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Taramere

[Butterflying]

I went there a day before the reunion as planned. My nephew welcomed me with open arms. I'm not sure if it was because he remebered me. Or he was just happy to have someone to play with. I brought him a new toy that he played with the whole weekend. He followed me around the house. Everything I ate I had to share with him because he was curious. He didn't stop asking even when I gave him vegetables that he spit out into his hand & put back into my plate. Lol. He's just a normal, healthy kid.

 

So when the time came for me to go to the reunion, he cried because I was leaving. His mother & I had to distract him so I could go without him.

 

In the end, it would have been nice to have had him there. Most activities were inside the recreation center because the summer heat was too extreme for outdoor activities. There were many children there of all ages from a 2 week old infant & beyond.

 

However, I realized that my nephew does have temper tantrums & some behavior that is not ideal socially. His parents aren't teaching him to respect anyone, not even themselves. He hits, bites, screams, & throws things at you if he doesn't get his way. As I witnessed this firsthand, his mother assured me.

 

"See that's the reason we're not letting you take him to that reunion by yourself," she said. "He's a handful."

 

So many of you were right. There were unforeseen circumstances involved with their decision. This experience confirmed I was letting my emotions get in the way. I love my nephew with all my heart no matter what. But I don't want to "parent" him (unless I have to). As his auntie, I want to nurture & inspire him. I'll teach him things. But the basic stuff like manners is his parents responsibility. Unfortunately they don't seem to be doing that, and they aren't giving anyone else an opportunity to do it either. I just hope he learns before it's too late & he doesn't grow up to be a person nobody likes. Otherwise, I'm glad I didn't take him to the reunion this time around.

[JewelD]

I went there a day before the reunion as planned. My nephew welcomed me with open arms. I'm not sure if it was because he remebered me. Or he was just happy to have someone to play with. I brought him a new toy that he played with the whole weekend. He followed me around the house. Everything I ate I had to share with him because he was curious. He didn't stop asking even when I gave him vegetables that he spit out into his hand & put back into my plate. Lol. He's just a normal, healthy kid.

 

So when the time came for me to go to the reunion, he cried because I was leaving. His mother & I had to distract him so I could go without him.

 

In the end, it would have been nice to have had him there. Most activities were inside the recreation center because the summer heat was too extreme for outdoor activities. There were many children there of all ages from a 2 week old infant & beyond.

 

However, I realized that my nephew does have temper tantrums & some behavior that is not ideal socially. His parents aren't teaching him to respect anyone, not even themselves. He hits, bites, screams, & throws things at you if he doesn't get his way. As I witnessed this firsthand, his mother assured me.

 

"See that's the reason we're not letting you take him to that reunion by yourself," she said. "He's a handful."

 

So many of you were right. There were unforeseen circumstances involved with their decision. This experience confirmed I was letting my emotions get in the way. I love my nephew with all my heart no matter what. But I don't want to "parent" him (unless I have to). As his auntie, I want to nurture & inspire him. I'll teach him things. But the basic stuff like manners is his parents responsibility. Unfortunately they don't seem to be doing that, and they aren't giving anyone else an opportunity to do it either. I just hope he learns before it's too late & he doesn't grow up to be a person nobody likes. Otherwise, I'm glad I didn't take him to the reunion this time around.

 

That's good that it all worked out. Still, why didn't they tell you if that was the reason? Seemed kinda rude to tell you it was because you don't have kids and don't know how to handle them. Apparently that's irrelevant if they can't even handle him.

[turnera]

I'm glad things worked out. wrt kids that age, though, temper tantrums are common. They are in the 'me' stage and haven't learned to share yet, typically. And you only saw one little portion of his life, so I'd warn you against assuming he goes around biting or kicking all the time. Having a new person in his life is very exhilarating to a kid that age, so they become 'ramped up' and have an even harder time controlling their impulses.

 

I know it makes you feel better to believe they're bad parents and it 'wasn't you,' but try to take an even perspective going forward if you want to become a mainstay in his life (and not tick off his parents).

[xxoo]

Tantrums are perfectly normal at that age. It doesn't mean his parents aren't teaching him. I'm sure they teach him every day, and maybe chose their battles carefully when you were visiting to make the visit smoother.

 

It has always been very difficult for me to leave my little children with family members who've criticized my parenting. I don't trust them.

[Butterflying]

Tantrums are perfectly normal at that age. It doesn't mean his parents aren't teaching him. I'm sure they teach him every day, and maybe chose their battles carefully when you were visiting to make the visit smoother.

 

It has always been very difficult for me to leave my little children with family members who've criticized my parenting. I don't trust them.

Well regardless of parenting, I never want to be responsible for an unbehaved child. So a parent with unruly children who chooses to keep them to themselves is doing everyone a favor!! Lol

 

A child's behavior is a reflection of the parents (however unfair). That's why many go through great length to teach their children well. I would never criticize a persons parenting to their face. That would be rude. But I know now to take an assessment of a situation before making a request.

[preraph]

You have no legal right to see your nephew.

[BettyDraper]

Well regardless of parenting, I never want to be responsible for an unbehaved child. So a parent with unruly children who chooses to keep them to themselves is doing everyone a favor!! Lol

 

A child's behavior is a reflection of the parents (however unfair). That's why many go through great length to teach their children well. I would never criticize a persons parenting to their face. That would be rude. But I know now to take an assessment of a situation before making a request.

 

This is not true at all!

 

Children can have health challenges which cause them to act a certain way.

Haven't you ever heard of developmental delays? Different stages of childhood bring certain undesirable behaviors. Do some research on "The Terrible Twos" as well as negativism. You may also want to look up the emotional effects of hormonal changes which come with adolescence.

 

Sorry to say this but it seems like you're very naive about children and that alone makes you unsuitable for looking after your nephew. Your viewpoints are completely uninformed.

[BettyDraper]

Tantrums are perfectly normal at that age. It doesn't mean his parents aren't teaching him. I'm sure they teach him every day, and maybe chose their battles carefully when you were visiting to make the visit smoother.

 

It has always been very difficult for me to leave my little children with family members who've criticized my parenting. I don't trust them.

 

Yes and I don't think any parent would trust a caregiver who thinks a toddler's tantrums are all their fault.

[JewelD]

Some of yall must just have some bad ass kids and you don't want to admit it. But yes, the way children act (with the exception of disabilities/disorders which NOT EVERY CHILD HAS) is related to parenting.

 

That's why when a child is polite, we look at the parents as having done a good job. When a child curses and spits/kicks at their parents, part of it may be due to age, but a lot of parents coddle their children. They'll let their child spit in their face and not do anything about it because they're "just being a kid".All that's fine and dandy until they grow up and enter the real world and start wreaking havoc on society.

 

Sorry but if you let your child beat your ass, you have failed as a parent.

[basil67]

This is not true at all!

 

Children can have health challenges which cause them to act a certain way.

Haven't you ever heard of developmental delays? Different stages of childhood bring certain undesirable behaviors. Do some research on "The Terrible Twos" as well as negativism.

 

Betty Draper, your post just put a little extra sun in my day after all the vitriol towards a mother of a child with behavioural issues on another current thread.

 

Having been *that mother* when my child had meltdowns in public or did other inappropriate behaviour, it's nice to know that some people consider causes other than bad parenting.

[basil67]

Some of yall must just have some bad ass kids and you don't want to admit it. But yes, the way children act (with the exception of disabilities/disorders which NOT EVERY CHILD HAS) is related to parenting.

 

That's why when a child is polite, we look at the parents as having done a good job. When a child curses and spits/kicks at their parents, part of it may be due to age, but a lot of parents coddle their children. They'll let their child spit in their face and not do anything about it because they're "just being a kid".All that's fine and dandy until they grow up and enter the real world and start wreaking havoc on society.

 

Sorry but if you let your child beat your ass, you have failed as a parent.

 

I think it's great that you withhold judgement for children who have learning disabilities.

 

But when you see a child acting out in public and blame his mother, how do you know whether or not he/she has special needs? Do you ever make a mental note about withholding judgement because you realise that you may not know the full story?

[xxoo]

Some of yall must just have some bad ass kids and you don't want to admit it. But yes, the way children act (with the exception of disabilities/disorders which NOT EVERY CHILD HAS) is related to parenting.

 

That's why when a child is polite, we look at the parents as having done a good job. When a child curses and spits/kicks at their parents, part of it may be due to age, but a lot of parents coddle their children. They'll let their child spit in their face and not do anything about it because they're "just being a kid".All that's fine and dandy until they grow up and enter the real world and start wreaking havoc on society.

 

Sorry but if you let your child beat your ass, you have failed as a parent.

 

Some days I was the mom with the polite child, and I got praised and judged as a wonderful parent.

 

Other days I was the mom of the kid having a violent meltdown, and I was maligned and judged as a horrible parent.

 

Same kid, same parent. That kid is now a very lovely, enjoyable, and responsible teenager, so there you go. It's a matter of maturation and teaching, both of which take years.

[JewelD]

Some days I was the mom with the polite child, and I got praised and judged as a wonderful parent.

 

Other days I was the mom of the kid having a violent meltdown, and I was maligned and judged as a horrible parent.

 

Same kid, same parent. That kid is now a very lovely, enjoyable, and responsible teenager, so there you go. It's a matter of maturation and teaching, both of which take years.

 

True, but let's not act like there are no bad/lazy parents on this planet. Unfortunately, there are many.

[JewelD]

I think it's great that you withhold judgement for children who have learning disabilities.

 

But when you see a child acting out in public and blame his mother, how do you know whether or not he/she has special needs? Do you ever make a mental note about withholding judgement because you realise that you may not know the full story?

 

Do you assume every single child/person doing something bad/unruly must have a mental illness/disability??

 

Clearly this is your favorite topic but you have to accept the fact that there are babies having babies, adults who can't even function in the real world bringing new lives into this world. Yes, sometimes it IS the parent's fault.

 

The way you raise your child has a lot to do with who they become in this world and how they interact with other people.

 

I have some relatives around the same age as me and my siblings. They have a ridiculous amount of kids between them, some live at home with their mother WITH their partner and kids. No job. But their mom let them run wild as kids. Had she punished them or enforced any type of rules, they might be in a better position in life.

[turnera]

IMO, if you see a child being unruly once, for a period of only a few hours, you have no right to judge the parenting skills of the adults. However, if you see these antics repeatedly, feel free to judge, and maybe even make suggestions.

[BettyDraper]

Betty Draper, your post just put a little extra sun in my day after all the vitriol towards a mother of a child with behavioural issues on another current thread.

 

Having been *that mother* when my child had meltdowns in public or did other inappropriate behaviour, it's nice to know that some people consider causes other than bad parenting.

 

I have a lot of experience with children who have developmental and physical challenges. I have worked with kids who have autism, Down Syndrome, Rett Syndrome, Auditory Processing Disorder, lesser known chromosomal disorders...you name it, I've encountered it. That's why I take a dim view on oversimplification of children's behavior. It's usually those who are uneducated about such matters who have the most to say.

 

A parent can mitigate the effects of a toddler's natural inclination to form his own identity in negative ways. They can set boundaries and be firm. However, even the most wonderful children will misbehave or test his caregivers.

[BettyDraper]

IMO, if you see a child being unruly once, for a period of only a few hours, you have no right to judge the parenting skills of the adults. However, if you see these antics repeatedly, feel free to judge, and maybe even make suggestions.

 

I would never make a suggestion because I'm not a parent so my advice would not be well received. I try to minimize judging parents because I think parenting is a very difficult and thankless job. It seems hard enough would people pointing fingers, right?

[BettyDraper]

Do you assume every single child/person doing something bad/unruly must have a mental illness/disability??

 

Clearly this is your favorite topic but you have to accept the fact that there are babies having babies, adults who can't even function in the real world bringing new lives into this world. Yes, sometimes it IS the parent's fault.

 

The way you raise your child has a lot to do with who they become in this world and how they interact with other people.

 

I have some relatives around the same age as me and my siblings. They have a ridiculous amount of kids between them, some live at home with their mother WITH their partner and kids. No job. But their mom let them run wild as kids. Had she punished them or enforced any type of rules, they might be in a better position in life.

 

I agree that parents certainly play a part in how children turn out.

I just don't think it is sensible to always point the finger at parents when kids do not do well.

 

What about kids who were raised in "good" (Morally sound, affluent, two parent) homes but they grow up to be murderers, drug dealers or porn stars? Ever hear of Annabel Chong, Jennifer Pan, Brian Shin, Karla Homolka, Dylan Klebold, or Russell Williams? Read about those folks and then tell me if raising kids a certain way will always result in normal and successful adults.

 

Parents have very little control over outside influences and inborn traits.

[JewelD]

Life is a difficult experience and yet this entire forum would not exist without the judgment of cheating spouses, prude dates and unforgiving partners. We all judge. Whether you say it out loud is your choice but that might be why message boards are based around anonymity. So we can all express ourselves without anyone really knowing it's us posting our judgment of people and situations.

 

But apparently we have to draw the line at parenting. Lmao. Right.

[JewelD]

I agree that parents certainly play a part in how children turn out.

I just don't think it is sensible to always point the finger at parents when kids do not do well.

 

What about kids who were raised in "good" (Morally sound, affluent, two parent) homes but they grow up to be murderers, drug dealers or porn stars? Ever hear of Annabel Chong, Jennifer Pan, Brian Shin, Karla Homolka, Dylan Klebold, or Russell Williams? Read about those folks and then tell me if raising kids a certain way will always result in normal and successful adults.

 

Parents have very little control over outside influences and inborn traits.

 

 

They are the exception, not the rule. And those affluent households aren't necessarily better. There's plenty of wealthy "nice" people who don't actually take the time to parent.

 

But why not educate yourself on the impacts of parenting by looking at the case of Yummy. Tell me his parenting or lack of had nothing to do with what happened to him. He's just one of many.

 

You can't say parenting is important and then ignore the impact unfit parents can have on their children. Roll them eyes upon a book since you want to talk about education.

 

Regardless, I'm not going to hijack OP's thread to shove my viewpoints down anyone's throat.

 

Good luck with your situation, OP.

[basil67]

Do you assume every single child/person doing something bad/unruly must have a mental illness/disability.

 

No, I don't assume anything. I don't assume disability and I don't assume bad parenting. What I work on is the fact that I don't know what the real story is and don't have any right to make a judgement call.

[basil67]

I agree that parents certainly play a part in how children turn out.

I just don't think it is sensible to always point the finger at parents when kids do not do well.

 

What about kids who were raised in "good" (Morally sound, affluent, two parent) homes but they grow up to be murderers, drug dealers or porn stars? Ever hear of Annabel Chong, Jennifer Pan, Brian Shin, Karla Homolka, Dylan Klebold, or Russell Williams? Read about those folks and then tell me if raising kids a certain way will always result in normal and successful adults.

 

Parents have very little control over outside influences and inborn traits.

 

So true. And even at a lesser level, on many occasions I've seen the same parents turn out two completely different children. One with perfect behaviour and one with many behavioural challenges.

[BettyDraper]

They are the exception, not the rule. And those affluent households aren't necessarily better. There's plenty of wealthy "nice" people who don't actually take the time to parent.

 

But why not educate yourself on the impacts of parenting by looking at the case of Yummy. Tell me his parenting or lack of had nothing to do with what happened to him. He's just one of many.

 

You can't say parenting is important and then ignore the impact unfit parents can have on their children. Roll them eyes upon a book since you want to talk about education.

 

Regardless, I'm not going to hijack OP's thread to shove my viewpoints down anyone's throat.

 

Good luck with your situation, OP.

 

If you understood my simple post, you would know that I spoke of morals and two parent households as being indicators of a "good" home. For some unknown reason, you chose to focus on the mention of affluence as the deciding factor in whether or not a child will turn out well. Either money is a sore point with you or deductive reasoning is something that you struggle with.

 

It's impossible to have a mature and intelligent conversation with someone who chooses willful ignorance. I will continue to roll "them" eyes upon my books and articles which you refuse to read because you're afraid or unable to expand your knowledge. The bottom line is, parents can only do so much to form a certain kind of adult.

Edited September 23, 2016 by BettyDraper