should i quit trying to get back with my ex?

[idlez]

we were together for 2 years, we were going to get married, she ended up leaving me right before she turned 21. we had a bad relationship for while, she never worked or went to school. she just sat around all the time. i ended up starting to treat her badly. she moved to san diego outta the blue and we stopped talking. she got in a relationship about 2 weeks after we broke up and slept with 2 guys since. it's been about 6 months since we broke up, i haven't lost any feelings for her at all. i'm still deeply in love with her. i just went down to san diego and visited her, we saw each other everynight i was there. we didn't have sex or anything, but you could feel a chemistry there. she says she still loves me, when she gets drunk she says shes still in love with me. whenever she is sober she is very closed up. we talked today and talked about getting back together, she said she doesn't know about that, it could happen when we grow up and stuff. she also said if we stay friends she doesn't want to start dating someone and me go crazy from that. i'm ready to start working on things with her, not get back together, but work on things and see if anything could work out. if she sleeps with someone else after i've told her how i feel, i don't think i could ever take her back. i'm not intrested in anyone else, i know where my heart is and want to follow it...

 

ok, enough rambling, should i keep trying and just be myself and hope for the best or is this a lost cause?

[idlez]

i've been reading some of these topics in here, here is some more...

 

she tells me all the time how she hates sex now, how she can't get close to anyone. she tells me she misses me, tells me how she talks about me to all her friends. she isn't throwing things out like she wants to date anyone, it's mainly the "if" she doesn't she doesn't want me to get hurt. she throws a lot of signs out to me that she wants to, but i don't think i can handle if she dates someone else again...

 

i'm not one of the guys that wants to know "how can i make her get back with me". i just want to know if i should keep trying (ie. being friends, listening to her when she needs someone to talk to her) or if i cut our conversations to once a week instead of 4-5 hours a day... yes, we talk 4 or 5 hours a day.

[NightsEcho]

Dude listen to me. You are hurting yourself okay man. Every little thing she says leads you on, plays with your heart, drags you through the mud and sets you back. I know you love and care for her more then anything in this entire world. As a guy who just went though a breakup after 3 1/2 years please listen.

 

No more talking....not forever 1-2 months to start..you dont wanna know who she is F$%$ing anymore. She needs to understand you have feelings and by being there for her you are just making it easier for her to let you go. She came out and basically said "Hey Bit$%, your my backup, if I find a guy I like great, if not well maybe i'll come back.

 

You need to make this girl realize you are a human being with feelings, not a doormat. Listen it's hard, read my posts and you know I have so many issues myself but the best thing I did was NC.

 

Feel better and start NOW! not tommorow or next week NOW

 

I'm here if you need to talk

[idlez]

Originally posted by NightsEcho

Dude listen to me. You are hurting yourself okay man. Every little thing she says leads you on, plays with your heart, drags you through the mud and sets you back. I know you love and care for her more then anything in this entire world. As a guy who just went though a breakup after 3 1/2 years please listen.

 

No more talking....not forever 1-2 months to start..you dont wanna know who she is F$%$ing anymore. She needs to understand you have feelings and by being there for her you are just making it easier for her to let you go. She came out and basically said "Hey Bit$%, your my backup, if I find a guy I like great, if not well maybe i'll come back.

 

You need to make this girl realize you are a human being with feelings, not a doormat. Listen it's hard, read my posts and you know I have so many issues myself but the best thing I did was NC.

 

Feel better and start NOW! not tommorow or next week NOW

 

I'm here if you need to talk

 

thanks bro, if you have aim or yahoo i wouldn't mind talking to you a bit more...

[sonyman]

Hey dude,

 

You need to shower her with compliments, tell her that you will always be there for he etc. Females heads tend to be F**cked up. They over analyse everything which is why break-ups are so painful. She is testing you dude, she wants to really know if you want her. Keep at it an dyou will get her, just gonna take time. I know exactly how you feel i am still trying to win my ex back from her current realtionship, you have just got to hang in there mate.

 

Good Luck with it all

[mixwell]

Originally posted by sonyman

Hey dude,

 

You need to shower her with compliments, tell her that you will always be there for he etc. Females heads tend to be F**cked up. They over analyse everything which is why break-ups are so painful. She is testing you dude, she wants to really know if you want her. Keep at it an dyou will get her, just gonna take time. I know exactly how you feel i am still trying to win my ex back from her current realtionship, you have just got to hang in there mate.

 

Good Luck with it all

 

I have to disagree with you and agree with NightsEcho on this one.. She is using you big time.. Personally if my ex F'ed 2 guys I wouldn't get back with her.. Well im sure my ex has F'ed her new b/f now so theres no way in hell i would get back with her.. that special thing you had with her is pretty much gone.. On top of that she is saying she cares about you but isn't sure about getting back together (basically she is saying she wants to have her cake and eat it too) Thats not right for you and you deserve better.. You should spend this energy on a new girl.. and if you dont think it was hard for me i have NightsEcho topped.. I was with my ex for 7 years.. i am 22.. We were together since I was 14 and were each others first.. I don't think there will ever be another girl that comes that close.. So if I can do it you can too.. Find someone else and work on improving yourself bro !!

 

Take care,

 

PS.. You cannot make her want to be with you if she doesn't want to.. I tried and tried with my ex only to realize I was wasting my time.. The sooner you realize that the better.. Think of it this way.. If you broke up with her and were with someone else or even single and you wanted to get back with her wouldnt you be the one to contact your ex? Its obvious.. she is choosing someone else over you so that should be your answer.. I mean if she comes back to you on her own when she wants to and you feel the same way then maybe you can work it out. But do take things slowly !! Don't jump back into the frying pan.

 

Peace

[NightsEcho]

Hey man,

I have MSN, if you want I will PM you with my e-mail so we can chat.

I know what sony is saying comes from the heart, but listen, there are no such things as tests in love. You loved her right? Would you ever dump her to test that? Probably not. Her having sex with 2 guys disrespected any chance she would be able to just breeze back into your life. Your always being there and talking for 5 hours makes it so easy on her.

 

Oh I just had sex...I feel guilty.....but talking to you justifys my actions.

 

If you are no longer there...she will notice...hmmmm where is he know...is he with women??

 

If not at least your saving yourself heartache of hearing about her new fling

[idlez]

ok, so i sent her a few emails... and she responded, her is was i said in the my first email:

 

i've sat and thought about our conversation. i respect what you want and like i've said a ton of times, i don't want anything to come between us. right now, i feel it's best if we slow down on talking, i know my feelings for you and see that we are on 2 different levels and i feel it's best if i go out and try and date a bit. i need to get my feelings down a few notches to keep talking to you so i don't hurt myself by desiring a relationship so badly with you and also so i don't overbear you with my feelings. i do hope things can work eventually and time will tell us where things should be between us. above all else i want you and me both to be happy. i'm not saying i can't be happy unless i'm with you, it's just something i want, and at this rate i'm scared that my feelings will get to strong and ruin the friendship, which is what i don't want.

 

in no way am i saying i don't want to keep talking to you or being there for you, i just feel it's best to cut the amount down a bit so that our friendship lasts longer. i'm still going to help you with everything i said i would and i will keep helping you because the stuff i'm doing for you has nothing to do with getting back with you, it's simply something i want to do to help you so you're not as stressed and can be happy because that's what i want to see from you have, regardless weather we are together or not.

 

her response was:

 

r u still coming>?????

 

she asked if i was still going to san diego for fourth of july to visit her.. that's all her response was so i responded with this

 

Body: i really want to but i don't know if it's the best thing babe. i sat and thought about all that you said, the you didn't want me to be hurt. i understand you don't want to be with me, i understand that i did some ****ed up things and any of the "this is why" or "i felt that" lines don't matter. i was in love with you and shouldnever have. and i understand that you don't want to go that route again, but i want to at one point show you... so i don't want to make myself want you more and hurt myself or hurt you.

 

i hope you understand, i'm doing this for both of us. i said you're my soul mate, i don't want to lose that. i will take what i can get, but for awhile i think it's best for both of us to not talk as much, not saying not talk at all, but slow down a bit.

 

i don't know, if you have any thoughts on it, let me know. i just feel this is best for both you and i.

 

lol, her response was a bit weird

 

yeah my thoughts are im irritated. and this is what always happens when we talk and honestly it pisses me off

 

when i talked to her on the phone i asked why it made her mad, she said this always happens. i told look, i know how i feel, if we keep this up i have a feeling i will want a relationship with you to much and will get hurt or i will push you away. i feel cutting down our conversation is the best thing to do. we discussed a few things, she was calm, she finnaly said ya she agrees if i feel it's right. she even said that she doubt we will be able to because "we can talk all day and always have something to say to each other and she loves that". i asked her, then why in the hell wouldn't you want to build off of that. she said it's because we already tried. i told her and why can't we try again, she said because we haven't changed enough. i told her we have, i told her how she has changed, and i told her how i changed. she then said she wasn't ready to try.

 

i'm getting the feeling she wants my "relationship" without the comminment.... i think that is kinda jacked up. right away, she called me 2 times this morning without me even answering. she has sent me 3 text messages without me responding. all telling me how she doesn't feel good today, she is having a bad day and so on. i'm starting to feel used now.

[idlez]

and sony - you have to realize, i'm not trying to win her over, i'm trying to make sure i'm not setting myself to be hurt. all i want from her is to stop showing me signs that we would be good together and be close to me but not be with me.

 

you have to realize you can't make someone want you. the more you try, the more you lose them. take what you can get, if she is talking to you, accept that. now if she is with someone, just be her friend.. even if she isn't with someone, still just be her friend. don't do things you wouldn't normally do just to make her want you more because if you do get her back, those things you were doing to "make her want you" will stop and she will see the real you again and you will be back where you started, without her. tricking someone into getting back with you is lame and that my friend is not true love.

 

i don't NEED to be with her, i want to be, i feel we are meant to be. i just need to know if i'm being strung along.

[NightsEcho]

Hey again,

Okay I understand that you sent the e-mail thats okay. I did this kind of stuff to. And then she responds, but its not really what you wanna hear anyway. I'm not quite sure what you meant when you said you did something to her. What I do know is she is slowly weaning herself off you. She is not wanting to get back together, but yes she still wants to talk. Wants to "justify" her feelings for leaving you.

 

No more e-mails, she knows how you feel. Until(if ever) she is ready to work it out what is the point of talking to her. Let's be honest here, you don't wanna be her friend. That's like getting a burger when you really want a steak. It leaves you unsatisfied, and hungry for more. It sucks.

 

I say you just cut it off. It's not like you never have to talk to her again, but this continued contact aint doing anything. In month or two your gonna look back with such a different perspective. It's not really an overnight thing. It's like when you do renovations you slowly see the changes as they happen so you don't notice it, but then someone walks in and goes WOW! its so different.

 

Stay strong bud

[idlez]

as far as what i did, for the whole relationship she never worked, never went to school... i paid for everything. after awhile that put a drain on me. i started being rude to her, i never called her a skank or whore, i was just rude. i never hit her or anything.

 

i see what you're saying to a point, but you are wrong a bit, i do want to be friends with her, if i can't have a relationship with her, i'll take a friendship. at this moment though, you are right. i can't be friends with her because it leaves me wanting more.

 

i'm cutting her off as of today. i suppose it's time to take her off my insurance (i've been paying for her medical insurance even when she was dating other guys) and sending her 100 bucks a month to help her live. there are a few more things i was going to do for her that i'm not going to do now.

 

i feel kind of bad cutting her off and not explaining, but she isn't explaining the truth to me.. so not my fault i suppose.

 

how do i check my PM's to get your msn name?

[mixwell]

If you really want her back then send her an email that just says I dont think we can be friends.. ignore her ass man. You know the saying people want what they cant have right ? you are still making yourself too available for her. she knows she has control over you. Just stop contacting her. Make her curiousity get the best of her. Seriously if you want her back this is the best route to go !!! If she knows what you are doing and where you are 24/7 then she has no worries. She knows she can have you anytime she wants..

 

If you stop contacting her now and act like you don't care if you get back with her then it might put some fire under her arse.. Honestly please just follow this !! I had soo many people tell me to do this when I was doing what you are doing (contacting the ex and telling her I will always be there for her and this and that) Its not the right way to go. Once you stop calling her you will find that she will start to call you a lot more !! she will be soo worried about what you are doing. This will creatve some attraction and curiousity.. Does it make sense to you ?? And by her saying in her response she is irritated that you aren't coming to visit for the 4th of July. Who the F does she think she is ?? You aren't with her , you have no obligations to go !!! WTF.. I mean seriously.. How does she get the nerve to even say that.. I would say listen bltch you are the one that broke up with me and chose to not be in my life !! Shes being soo selfish man !! I hate to see you go through this !!

 

Its exactly what I went through until I started to just not contact her and act like I didn't care. I even would make my ex jealous at times.. haha.. Don't think for a minute also that no contacting her will create distance and you will lose contact. I guarantee it will do the opposite.. It will make her curiousity get the best of her and call you.. when she does call though dont even bring up anything about a relationship. If she asks what you are doing say something like "im about to go out to dinner/lunch" If she asks with who just say "oh just a friend" Dont give her too much info.. I really wish you would listen and at least try what I am telling you !!

 

ok im out

 

Peace

[idlez]

i'm going to apply all that you have said. i've already thought this myself but i needed someone else to say it. i don't really want to trick her into getting back with me nor do i want her to get back with me out of pitty. so i just want to know the best route. you all have given me some good advice and i will mix it all together and use it.

 

remember, me and her didn't have contact for 6 months already, and shes been making all this contact. i think what happened is she saw how much i still love her and now is exploiting it. i think i may go back to just doing my thing. it really sucks that i have to be just as depressed as i was when we broke up again. i wish i never saw her again.. bah

 

i'll keep you all updated if you'd like.

[idlez]

oh and btw, i already did the "getting ready to go out to lunch"

 

she text messaged me and said her stomach hurts earlier, before you said anything about doing that. i just kinda ignored it, said "musta drank to much hahah"... when normally i would say "awww, are you ok? what happened?".... she explained some stupid reason and i said "well hey i gotta get ready to go out to lunch.. i ttyl".....

 

=)

[mixwell]

haha.. see it sounds like you have gotten it down but you are going through a weak point right now.. just stick with man !! yeah let us know what happens..

 

take care,

 

peace

[idlez]

god i hate her.

 

she finds out i'm still going to san diego, she asks what we are going to do. i told her nothing, i told her its not healthy for me to see her.

 

she hasn't slowed down the talking, she calls and texts me and IMs me all day. i tell her i can't keep doing this, that she gives me mixed signals and seeing her would make me want her even more. she said she is bothered by this. she gets mad, says she doesn't want to talk about it and to call her when i leave and when i get there.

 

i don't understand this, she shows all the signs that she wants more, but then backs down from it when it comes to REALLY dicussing it. i'm going to san diego, haivng fun with my friends and not even letting her know when i leave or get there. maybe then she will get the point that she needs to make up her mind and quit playing ****ing games with my head.

 

this is ****ing bull****, she is bothered by this? she is getting mad? shes isn't the one that has the feelings i have, she has it is.

 

BAH, the cool thing with all of this is i'm starting to get angry with her, which makes it easier to cut her off.

[VirginiaBob]

"should i quit trying to get back with my ex?"

 

No. You didn't really need me to tell you that though, did you. There is a reason it didn't work the first time.

[mixwell]

If I were you I would tell her to stop contacting you until she has made her mind up.. If she says she wants to be friends just tell her there are too many feelings involved for that and that you already have enough friends.. Plain and simple... You know you don't have to answer everytime she contacts you.. You should honestly take like 1 out of 5 calls from her (in my opinion)

 

Just tell her look I told you how i feel and you know this and everytime i mention the relationship you get angry.. Say then you act like you care and want me in your life at other times.. Just say you are done playing games.. Let her know and then just cut her off and give her little of your time.. At least she still contacts you..

 

I told my ex that I cannot be friends with her because too many feelings and shes says "uhhhh ok" like a jackass.. She hasn't contacted me once since then and that was about 1 1/2 months ago.. Im glad though because it has helped me move on and see the person that she is.. I mean after 7 years and growing up since you were 14 with someone and you just end it like that for some new douche bag ?? thats messed up on her part in my opinion.. O well she has low self esteem and is clingy so I doubt she would risk her pathetic new realtionship.. sorry i was just venting a little.. haha..

[idlez]

i feel ya mean.

 

i know she is thinking about the relationship again, i can tell. she is just closed up. if she isn't thinking about it then she is playing games with my head. i can live with her being scared to try again, but she needs to be open with me.

 

she texted me on my flight to san diego (i'm here now) and she tells me that shes sick and she is depressed. i asked her why she is depressed and she said all of life... "everything ya know". i said i hope it has nothing to do with me being back in her life and us talking, she didn't say no. i asked her if there was anything i could do (i know i shouldn't have) and her response was "be my friend lke you have been and be there for me". i replied with "i can try, but you know my feelings for you and just make sure i don't get hurt". no response on that.

 

i'm gonna not see her while i'm here in san diego and not talk to her, when i get back up to sacramento on tuesday i'm going to talk to her, my guess i she will ask why i didn't contact her.

 

i told her earlier she keps confusing me and throwing out signs, she said no shes not. when i get back and talk to her i'm going to tell her this:

 

i've expressed how i feel, i do want to be friends with you at the least.. you know i'd love to have more. as it stands now, i keep seeing mixed signals from you, for whatever reason. i'm not sure if you are playing games or not, you have me in the dark. my love is good enough for you to be there for you with everything, but you can't say you want to be with me. you want your cake and eat it to (or something like that). i can't do that. i will be hurt. until i stop being in love with you, it's best if we don't talk.

 

i'm planning on keeping her on my medical insurance and sending her money to help her with dental expenses (i'm a man of my word, and money is nothing...)

 

the whole time we had NC and she was with the other guys, i still paid for it all. but i'm not going to talk to her until she can give me 100%. what she is doing is having me pour my heart out to her and have me be there for her when she needs someone to complain too and to make herself feel better when she is down.

 

i mean, she seems to be taking every emotional part that comes with a relationship without the relatonship.

 

ok, sorry for the long post guys. i just need to vent and i'm sure all f you understand a lot more then my other friends.

 

i'm really thankful for all your guys input on this and helping me threw this hard time.

[NightsEcho]

Hey bud,

 

I love San Diego, I was there about a month ago, in the carlsbad area. I will be going back down in about 3 weeks to catch the dreamtheatre and System of A Down Concerts.

 

Anyway, I think this girl deserves nothing. I know how your medical works in the States, but damn dude. What has she done to earn anything on your part. Deep down you wanna look like the bigger man, and maybe be a provider to this confused lost girl. I'm at the mental state now, where I would kinda be like CANCELLED! (4 months of progress, oh ya) Lol do what you must friend.

 

Look she probably is confused, and unsure, but you always being available to her is making this way to easy. Cut it off and really do it.

 

Now before you say to yourself this guy doesn't get it at all, I want you to know I ignored all the advice people on here gave me and always did what I thought would be the bigger thing. I had romantic visions in my head like in "The Notebook" or other cheesy crap they play on the radio. AHHH first loves. I was a romantic, still am, but they call time a teacher for a reason.

 

You sound like a cool guy, and I know when i was in San Diego I totally forgot about my ex. Meet women, don't give up and one day, wheather this one returns or not, you will be looking back on this and laughing.

[idlez]

you know, when you said "you wanna look like the bigger man"....

 

i thought about it, one of the reasons i keep my word is because of the "hope" that one day we will get back together. i feel if i stop helping, she has no reason. at least thats what i'm thinking after you said that.

 

i have no problem with the ladies, last time i was in SD i could have taken a few girls back, but i didn't. in all honesty, i'm not really into the whole random ****ing thing, i've been with enough women. i don't need more numbers.

 

i suppose you're right, i don't really care to get in any relationships, but there are plenty girls i will be taking out on dates. hopefully i don't blabber on about her the whole time..hahah

 

btw, i still haven't gotten your msn name, so here

 

aim=idlezz

yahoo=iamidlez

[email protected]

 

any of you feel free to contact me and let me know your names, even though i'm having problems, i also can be helpful if someones in need...

[NightsEcho]

i know man.....I kinda had the feeling that's why the hope that you will reunite. Hey, i'm not saying it won't happen either. I believe that if it was meant to be it will. But if you honestly want any relationship to work, except that what you had is gone. It can never be the same. You see if in 15 mins. she called and begged you back, it would make you feel good, then the doubts you have been going through will resurface. You will always be wondering if she will do this to you again and such. That's why some good healthy time for YOU is in order. Get totally away from this. It's SO hard, because you have to kill the demons you face of wanting them to come back. (sidenote: even if you kill these feelings, they have a tendancy to come back to life from slight things) You must pull away, give yourself time, and then and only then can a reconcilliation happen. Couples that are on-off don't work. But couple that breakup and reunite a year later often do. Why is that? Both parties have grown and become new people. Don't mistake this growth as that person not being the one you still loved long ago, but a better model of the one you remember.

 

My MSN is [email protected]

 

Chin up

[idlez]

ya, the more i talk to you guys the more i realize... why would she need to get back with me right now? she has every part of the relationshp she needs/wants... i'm always there for her emotionally, i help her with medical/car expenses. she knows i'm not sleeping with other people... and all at the sametime she can go and do whatever she wants with whoever she wants.

 

it's clear she needs me, but what happens when she finds someone who gives her what i am? she will just leave me high and dry.

 

i'm going to just ignore the hell outta her and do my thing. when she comes back to me, it's not going to be me who has to prove anything, it will be her. cause you are right, if we got back together right now, i wouldn't trust her for anything...

 

woohoo, see, you all rock... hahah

 

i'm off to the beach, i'll have a beer for ya'll while i'm out =P

[mixwell]

you basically are giving her the relationship without the attachment... She basically doesn't have to choose right now because she is under no pressure.. she can take as long as she wants and she knows that you will still be there for her.. you should make her choose in a sense. So after your trip to SD you should just start NC and work it from there..

 

Peace

[RecordProducer]

Asmuch as i understood, you treated her badly and that's why she left you. If you want her back you should:

 

1. Make sure she loves you and wants to give you another chance

2. Deserve another chance

3. make sure you don't lose her this time.

 

Maybe she is the love of your life and you will be together forever and maybe you were not meant to be. Nobody knows that right now. You still have a chance to win her back, it's not over until it's over. Good luck!