Emotionally Confused

[Nur]

This may be rather detailed and long, but bear with me. I could use some advice.

 

I've known a guy friend of mine for three years. We've seen each other at our best and worst, and I used to have a tremendous crush on him when I was a sophomore. He didn't seem to return the feelings, so I contented myself with being "just friends" and got quite used to and comfortable with the role. I recently graduated high school, and went to a trip on which this guy friend of mine was one of the five people going.

 

Now -- we'd been hanging out a lot during those years... going to movies all the time (I brought my sister, since I didn't realize it was anything more than just friends getting together) and we even went to prom together (as a friend, I assumed). But on this trip, he was confusing me by putting his arm around me, and wanting to spend time with me, and I believe he told the other guys (I was the only girl out of the five) about his "real emotions" because somehow he was conspicuously next to me all the time, and I would sometimes see them giving me knowing smiles, as if there was some inside joke that they alone knew.

 

On the plane ride home (after he'd switched with someone so he could sit next to me) I was done with the strange guessing games. I plain out asked him, "How do you feel about me?"

 

His answer shocked me. Apparently he'd secretly liked me for all those years... every time I ran into him after school he'd been waiting just so he could see me... whenever he walked me to class it was to be with me (and not just to be with me as friends) and he said that he really, really liked me and that he'd do anything for me. Then he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to know why he never told me, and he said he'd been afraid I'd say no. Admiring his courage to finally ask, and his dedication for me all that time (I certainly would have gotten over it and moved on) I said yes. Also, I know that this will be a short relationship, as I fully intend to be boyfriendless when I go to college, and have a clear path ahead of me. I don't like living in the past.

 

The relationship confuses me, though. I still think that he is very cute, and can tell that he has intense feelings for me, but it frightens me, as well. I've never had a boyfriend before. We went on our first official date yesterday -- out to a movie, then sat by the lake. It turned into my first kiss. I wanted to kiss him really badly, but it also felt wrong, somehow -- like a battle of mind and hormones. Afterwards I was trembling and shaking even though I felt really turned on for the first time in my life, and I don't know if that's normal. Today when he came over I found myself avoiding his touch... even though I felt my heart beating really fast from having him nearby.

 

I know I am physically attracted to him, but some sort of hesistancy is holding me back. What is wrong? Am I not ready? Is desire and friendship the definition of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, or not? I know something is amiss, but no matter how hard I think about it, I can't decide what it is. If anyone can help me out, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Marshbear]

Also, I know that this will be a short relationship, as I fully intend to be boyfriendless when I go to college, and have a clear path ahead of me. I don't like living in the past.

 

The problem is in your mind. You will not let your emotions go there and you are confused by his desires and your reactions. You have decided that you will not get into a relationship with him because you want to be free when you go to college. There is nothing wrong with this but you need to make him understand that fact and not let him believe you are exclusive to each other.

Since he has liked you for quite a long time his feelings are probably pretty strong for you and you are scared. Communication is the answer to your problems. Let him know how you are feeling and then decide what to do with this "friendship" that has fell into your lap.

It is common to be scared in a first relationship. It was your first kiss. How do you respond? You have so many emotions and are confused by what to do with them. Take things slow. See what happens and if you still feel the same when it is college time, tell him.

 

Peace...

[JP166]

I honestly wonder why in the world, after all this time and now that you've finally gotten together with him, you would want to break up with him before going to college. Now I know from experience, because I'm in my fourth year of college, that so many friends of mine dumped their significant others before going to college to see "what else" was out there.

 

Let me tell you plain out and simple. College for the most part is nothing new. Unless you're going to college really far away from him, then I don't see how it can't work out. Usually I find that by waiting for something better to come along gets people nowhere, or they're waiting for a really long time.

 

It sounds to me that this guy is totally into you, and the best part is that you guys have a history together. Sure you could definitely meet someone in college, but I'd give this kid a chance before you break up with him. Wait to see after you're already in your first semester if there's anyone catching your eye. You can keep your options open in a very neutral way. But to let him go just for the sake of being single going to college probably isn't worth it.

[Nur]

Thanks so much for the responses; they have been really helpful so far. I suppose you're right about not being in a rush to break things off; I never realized (to tell the truth) that anyone would keep something going after such a branch of ways as going to different schools. I guess I am just a really practical person, and it never occured to me that you would keep a relationship going with a guy you know you aren't going to marry or anything after moving two hours away.

 

Frankly, I guess I know it will have to end sometime (I like him, but I am not head-over-heels in love with him) and I am not looking forward to the inevitable breaking up. I suppose I figured that if it ended at a natural turning of the ways it would be easier than trying to maintain a relationship where we only see each other on weekends or whatever, and I end up finding someone I am more "on the same path" with...

 

Meh. He's just a really nice guy, and I don't want to have to hurt his feelings. I guess I should just enjoy it while it lasts, and stop worrying about the future...

 

It's like I am reluctant to let my emotions surface, so I won't wind up missing him in the end...