Late Nights Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Hello! I am new to this site and i didn't know who to turn to for some advice so i came across this forum and i hope i can get some input. I just want to know from a females point of view is there still a slim chance of me winning her back? We have been with each other 3.5 years and we had our ups and down throughout the whole relationship that wasn't that serious. We always ended up working it out because it was mostly small disagreements and misunderstanding. She is an Aries and i am a Virgo so she is kinda stubborn while me on the other hand is always chill so those 2 signs can clash. We mutually broke up because i didn't try hard enough to be in her life meaning her family and friends. She would always come hang out with me and my friends. While on the other hand she would invite me to hang out with her friends and i would slightly decline. Its not that i don't want to its that im just a shy person so its very hard for me to be around a group of totally new people. Iv'e met her friends but i just feel uncomfortable because i have nothing in common to talk about. Last weekend was the final straw she invite me and i beat around the bush and said no again. I feel like such a total A**hole. After the weekend she has been short and distant with me throughout the week. I finally called her just to see what up and hows she was doing and we ended talking about how we still felt. She still loves me and wants to be with me and she doesn't want to be with anyone else. She is to the point where she is emotionally drained and feeling numb right now. The whole week she was just relaxing and listening to music just doing her time not thinking about anything or the relationship. Now i brought up the topic of "do you think its best if we wasn't together?" Which i regret even bringing up. Now we mutually agreed and broke up even tho that wasn't what i wanted. She is just tired of being sad and emotional and all of this was because i didn't go with her to hang out with her friends over the weekend. I understand she wants her man to be apart of her life as much as she has became apart of my life with my friends. I told her i only want to be with her and she told me if i want to be with her then prove it. Other then that we still are broken up so now i she is testing me to see how bad i want to be with her. I know what i have to do and that is to PROVE to her that I want to be apart of her life. By doing so i will have to come around her friends and then come over to her house even tho i have my own place. She told me that if i truely wanted to be with her that i will have to show it and prove it to her. She is done chasing so now i have to chase an show her. From a females prospective how long do i have before she is completely gives up on me? By her telling me i have to prove it i think that is a better chance then non but other then that we are still "broken up" sorry for the poor grammar i just cant think straight right now. BTW: i woke up super early today to go get flowers and balloons sent to her work place to hopefully cheer her up a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
runup Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 It's very immature to break up with someone in the hopes that the dumpee comes to prove their love. Rather than talk about these issues prior, why are they happening post breakup? Is this all that has happened? You should never have to chase after someone who says they want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would put that effort in as well! I think it's best you don't chase her. A lot of times, when the dynamic of a relationship changes (where someone is chasing another) things only get worse. If you go limited contact I think her actions will speak louder than her words. She broke up with you. She had reasons and no one (including you) changes overnight. If it was really this much of a struggle for you, why did it take her breaking up with you for you to want to change? That shows either a lack of respect for her/relationship or poor communication prior to the breakup. Either way, there ARE some negatives emotions in her mind. That's why I implore you to go LC. It's not what you want to hear; but, if you chase her, it's a very slippery slope. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 You know, if you want to be with someone, that includes being part of their lives, not just YOUR life. If you can't even put forth enough effort to fake being nice to her friends, then I don't know why anyone would want to make a life with you. It's like you think ANY effort on your part is too much to ask. You're being lazy and selfish and only thinking of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted August 11, 2016 Author Share Posted August 11, 2016 ^^ I totally agree with you. The past 3 years when we first met my life was at a downward spiral. I was upset about my job which i worked for family and all the negativity from that kinda spilled over into our relationship. She treated me right was always there for me for everything. You can say that i met her at a time where i was slowly starting to become stressed out and depress. I know she is a good girl and in the beginning i always questioned myself "Why did i have to met her at this time in my life?" I was just to the point in my life where i just wanted to be us and nobody else and yet i became greedy. At first she didn't mind just us but after a few times of not being around her friends.. we are here. I know the only thing i can do now is to get out of my comfort zone and CHANGE myself for the better of me to do better for the relationship. Im 33 shes 26 with a 6 year old daughter. Shes mature but sometimes she can be naive sometimes. I do love her and i do want to be with her. With that being said the ONLY thing i can do is try HARD and very hard to be in her life. Now the next thing is that since she is emotionally drained and feeling numb about the whole situation. My best bet is to just let her be and give her space? BTW i woke up super early this morning to send her flowers and some smiley face balloons hoping that it will somewhat cheer her up? I guess i will find out if she even text me or reply. Ill keep update. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 Update: My current mood is still unsure of what direction this "relationship" is going. So after the day of the flower delivery i didn't contact her i waited until she did. She texted me after work thanking me for them. I replied "you're welcome and i hope you had a good day" kept it short and casual. The following friday she is always off work i texted her on my lunch just to see what's she's having. I get no response so i just left that alone. About when i got back to work i was surprised she showed up to my work dropping me off coffee which she always do from time to time. That right there threw me off because i knew she was very upset about the whole situation. Since then we have been small time texting back and forth and the conversations seems to feel like we are kinda new to each other again. Of course shes texting back a bit more then before. So rn i don't want to say anything is in the clear. But im just at a confusing spot. What do you guys think of this situation? I know ill just have to keep it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 (edited) I think you guys both love and care for each other. The flower was very sweet of you and the coffee was very sweet of her I have a suggestion, not necessarily the only way to go, but my way How about sending her a text saying : "I'm picking you up at 6 pm tonight Beautiful, date night" Take her somewhere nice (unexpected) and have a peaceful chit-chat. Maybe explain to her that you realize that you hurt her feelings by avoiding her friends. " You met my friends, it's only fair that i meet yours AND I DO WANT TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS ! (don't say that you guys have nothing in common, like above!) "I have social anxiety, would that be OK if I meet all of your friends in "smaller increments" first ? Such as a double date, or 1 friend at a time...eventually the whole group of friends can be together. This way it's way less stressful on me. " What do you think ? This issue is something that can be smoothed over and shouldn't jeopardize an otherwise very well working relationship, right? So, don't give up on each other for this! Sweep her off of her feet ! Edited August 15, 2016 by Captivating Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 ^^ Thank you! Yes we both do still care for each other very much. She ALWAYS tell me that she doesn't want to be with anyone else and she only wants me. She wants to have a future with me and get married. Her views remains the same(i hope so) even after what had happen. So im hoping shes still holding on a little bit longer. I just get overwhelm when im around a large group of people who i don't know. Specially if she was to take me to go hang out at her friends house. Its like throwing me into a fire pit. Yes the best idea is to start small and get to know them in a small setting. Yes i was thinking about the same thing is start small by asking her to go do some things. Well today i was thinking that maybe i should ask her if she wants to goto the gym later on at night. I know she always wants to go so i guess ill start there and see what she says? I don't want to spontaneously ask her to go do something just yet because i tried asking her to go watch a movie on Friday and she already had plans so i just didn't bother her over the weekend. I know that might of been too soon to ask her so i understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Just ask her! Even if she is not available on the day of, ask her how about tomorrow ?? Be assertive ! It's manly ! GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT ! Take her out to eat somewhere NICE, where you guys can talk. Then maybe walk after ? In the gym you cannot talk....it's not a romantic setting with you guys sweating and breathing heavily Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted August 19, 2016 Author Share Posted August 19, 2016 It might sound weird but i guess us going to the gym is like a neutral thing to do. Reason why is that we have already "talked" it out so many times and everytime we do bring up the subject to talk about our problems its just drains her more and pushes us away. We already know what needs to be done so for me i just want to see her and by doing something casual the gym will keep both our minds off the subject. Plus she likes going to the gym lol. A little update from the past week up until today. Like you said if you want her then go her. Since the last reply to you i just started texting her first and ofcourse her replies were slow. I understand i kept it cool. i didn't want to blow her phone up so i waited a day or so to call her instead. One day i didnt text her all testing to see if SHE would even text me first. She didn't so I decided to pick up my phone to call her and see how her day was. She picks up and i kept it short and we just talked for like 5mins or so and then i told her good night. Thru out the week leading to the weekend we started texting more. Friday- came around and ofcourse it kept it casual and played it cool. Things are looking positive for the moment. I asked if she wanted to watch a movie Friday night (Sausage Fest) lol but she had other plans so cool. I texted her around 7pm to tell her to have fun and ofcourse i get no reply which was fine. As it got later i get a text from her asking what im doing at 12am. I took some time to reply to her and i told her i was out with my friend. Her reply back was quick and the thing that caught me off guard was the she wanted me to come over to her house. I was kinda hesitant but i knew she was probably buzzed but we ended up not seeing each other because it was late. Saturday- i texted her in the afternoon to see how was her day. Her response time was fast within the same minute i sent her the text. Almost like she was waiting for me to text. So throughtout Saturday we were texting back and forth like how it used to be. She had plans that day so later on we last spoke at like 7pm. Sunday- i decided to not text or call just to see if she will text me first. Nope. I call her at 10pm just to say goodnight. This following week- Kept the chase up. Call her after work to see how her day was. One day after work i texted her to see if she wanted to go eat. She says she has a busy day and was tired. I said that was fine so that was the end of our conversation of the day 6pm. 10 oclock came around to me surprise she texted me saying she just woke up and is going back to sleep and a goodnight. Sofar things are going good right? Shes more responsive now then before. And then today... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 Hey everyone. So lately my and my ex have been slightly seeing each other like once every other week it seems or longer. We finally just started simply with going to grab a quick dinner, went to the movies with her, attended her daughters bday and such. That was better then nothing. Anyways I know as a man sometimes i get insecure about things. so over the past weekend i called her to ask if she was "talking" to anyone and her answer was no and she got defensive. I know shes always on her phone so it was a simple question. I remember way before we started talking her gf was having some guy problem and i remembered my (EX) told her something along the lines of "No matter what he say always deny it no matter what" and i always remembered that. Lately ive been thinking she was doing the same towards me now. We are currently not talking as of right now after i received her last text right after i called her and questioned her. This is what it reads: "Don't ever come at me like that again. If that's what you are going to do to me from now on is not trust me and question me about everything then don't ever hit me up at all anymore" since that last text Sunday i never replied. I still care and all but i just don't want to be hurt. I know the more contact the more possible chance of us bumping heads since she is a stubburn girl. Idk what it is but since the breakup her attitude changed. ANd im not sure its a mix of the anxeity pill + her drinking idk. Im guessing is just best for me not to say anything right now and just do a NC? Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 You can't explode at someone with absolutes and generalizations like that. It's not healthy. If you break NC and wander back to being her lap-dog ex-boyfriend, you sacrifice more of your dignity and condone her ill-temper and bad attitude. Just speculation, but she is doing more than just "talking" to other guys. Run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 You can't explode at someone with absolutes and generalizations like that. It's not healthy. If you break NC and wander back to being her lap-dog ex-boyfriend, you sacrifice more of your dignity and condone her ill-temper and bad attitude. Just speculation, but she is doing more than just "talking" to other guys. Run. I completely understand its best to just leave it how it is and just let it play out on its own? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 She's an ex. You aren't in a relationship with her. She can do whatever she pleases. Her response is her way of telling you it's none of your business because she is not committed to you and that she can do whatever she likes. If you want to be the fallback guy, then you accept the fact that she will and probably is dating other guys without questioning it. NC and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Absolutely NC and move on. You're way too raw on this right now. You need some distance between you and her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 What she does is fine and i understand that is HER business. For me i just wanted to know from HER if she is talking to someone. Because if she IS then im going to stop trying with her. Does that make sense? I don't want to make myself convenient for her to be the "fallback" guy and waste anymore time. That was the only reason why i did what i did. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) What she does is fine and i understand that is HER business. For me i just wanted to know from HER if she is talking to someone. Because if she IS then im going to stop trying with her. Does that make sense? I don't want to make myself convenient for her to be the "fallback" guy and waste anymore time. That was the only reason why i did what i did. Anticipate that she is because she's not going to tell you what she's up to. Look at what she told her friend. Her response was telling. Never go back to a situation that keeps you feeling like an option. If you both are going to work at trying again, communicate that and give it your all. None of this half baked stuff. Edited October 19, 2016 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yea i know im going to just leave it as is. Nc her will let her know that i dont trust her. Our communication isn't the best and its hard sometimes to put some sense into someone who is hard-headed and stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 It looks like you are looking at the possibility of rekindling your relationship with your ex. While you didn’t share why you guys broke up in the first place, I strongly believe that a relationship where there is no trust or honesty has no positive future. Take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) It looks like you are looking at the possibility of rekindling your relationship with your ex. While you didn’t share why you guys broke up in the first place, I strongly believe that a relationship where there is no trust or honesty has no positive future. Take care! Yes! That is exactly what im looking towards is to rekindling our relationship. Just a little history We mutually separated ONLY because she felt like i wasn't involve as much with her and her side of the family+ friends. I understand i messed up. At the time when we met i was depressed and stressed out over work(family business) also because of being around my dad at work who was always in negative. working 11+years for family has really got me to the point of waiting to leave the business. So understand when your always feeling down its hard for me to go out and pretend to be happy. I dont want to be like that towards a good girl that took care of me. But i guess she couldnt hold on much more and just changed and let go. I completely understand. Fwd to now. After the separation it seemed like we would still bump heads. Eventually we managed to get good with one another to finally slowly spending a somewhat time with each other. We didn't see each other as much as before but it was better then nothing. I would text here and chase her and she would text me back finally. It got to the point where she would text me daily to "goto the gym". This was better then her not even trying to do anything with me at all. Just last week i expressed my feelings for her and told her that i dont' want to be with anyone esle but her and want to hopefully one day get married and start a future with her and that i do truely love her and miss her and i hope we can get back on the same page and IF she wants to see if there is more out there then i understand. Her reply back to me was in short.. I never said i wanted to see if there is more out there and shes having time to herself and finding herself. She misses me too and there isn't a day that goes by where i don't even run across her mind. She is just not settling for anything less the next guy or whether it will be me. That is where we came to. She does make and effort to just even do the littlest things such as wanting me to go with her to drop somethings off. At times i know she has a guy friend that has a daughter and is friends with her daughter and he recently came to pick up her daughter for the noon time to hang out with his daughter. This was where i blew up on her. Sometimes when you under the influence you start to think and assume things. So just a little insight of what has been currently going on. We never had any really down time to where we just needed a NC for awhile to let thing settle. Maybe this is the time to let that be now since i took it to this point? Edited October 20, 2016 by Late Nights Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 NC and move on for your own good. Her text was really putting you in your place. She's telling you she can do what she wants and you're nobody to question her. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 oh man, you got a road ahead of you still. I can assure you your "mutual separation" wasn't mutual. Her short answer to your plea for marriage? was the truth. "After the separation" should mean after our relationship, there wasn't any. It was over because she moved on and so I chose to move on too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 Welp everyone. She finally texted me today. "Miss u" Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Welp everyone. She finally texted me today. "Miss u" Don't respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Yea its too late. I just to be extra cautious of my own feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Late Nights Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 (edited) Im going thru this phase now and i sometimes find it hard at times. One day i would be doing fine and the next im back to thinking. If you read my last post suppose me and the ex are "friends". For me once i know there isn't a chance of getting back i am gone. This time around i find myself doing circles. Every time i tell her its best for us to both move and i need to find my way. She always text me back asking "can we atleast be friends? you was my best friend for the last 3 years." I know for a fact i have NO chance of anything with her. She tells me "there is no garauntee we are getting back together". In my mind thats just her saying we are done in a nicer way. Since that is the case she still wants to remain "friends". Ofcourse we still had sex 3 weeks ago but its so confusing me. We don't even talk on a day to day basis anymore. She atleast wants to be friends and ofcourse still have sex at times. Im not sure anymore im just confusing myself. How does everyone deal when you are in a state of confusion like this? Edited November 4, 2016 by Late Nights Link to post Share on other sites
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