tna Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 i have a bit of a problem. i was dating this guy for almost 4 years. all of a sudden out of no where he breaks up with me about a year ago. he dated a couple girls after me, but nothing serious. (i also have dated a couple guys after him). now i still have feelings for him, i mean he was my first of almost everything. now back in September of last year, we started hanging out, he started calling me again and i even thought we were going to work things out. but he met this other girl, to whom he is with now. but the thing is, is they weren't going out that long and she is pregnant and he just proposed to her. now he keeps calling me, wanting me to come over their house wanting to talk. and when i do, we just talk. but one day it went further than talking. i mean when i went there and he acted as if everything between us was good (bf/gf good). well we did have some physical activity on a couple of these get together, but not many of them. i just don't know what to think. he tells me how happy he is, but if he is so happy, why is he calling me? his ex? he says he only cares about me as a friend, but i don't know. i don't know what to think about this. help me. please Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 tna if you can come up with a concrete answer of "why the ex calls?" I would like to know as well! Boggles my mind but I have old home week every few months where a flood of ex's "touch" base with me! Guess they were not educated as to "WHY" we are the ex!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tna Posted July 2, 2005 Author Share Posted July 2, 2005 i don't know. its like everytime i get ahead of myself and feel as if i am getting over him, he calls and i run to him. he wants to hang out and talk or someething. i just don't know what to do. i tell myself i need to stop. i mean this break up was horrible and he treated me like crap. but i still go running. im just not sure anymore. everything seems so unreal sometimes. blah! Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Probably as a bit of an escape mechanism too. After all he is going to be a father and has proposed to the mother of his child. Things like that might have scared him a bit. However, that should not give him the freedom to play with another woman's heart, and betray the woman he is going to marry. He is going to be a father, and he can't run from all his responsibilities, stringing others along. He has to deal with the consequences of his actions. You did not make his fiancee pregnant, did you? If he is not happy with her, it is his responsibility to do something about it. Not yours. If he is all happy with her, I don't see the point why you should engage in any physical activities with him. He has proposed to another woman - not to you. The more you keep him close, the harder you will make it on yourself to move on. It is not fair on his soon to be wife - to keep him as this kind of friend. You would probably hate the idea of your future husband doing something similar to what your friend is doing now. Break things off completely, as he clearly cannot set boundaries for a friendly relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tna Posted July 2, 2005 Author Share Posted July 2, 2005 i have tried to break it off plenty of times. ive told him to leave me alone and everything. but it will last a couple of weeks and then he will start it up again. my problem is is that i do care for him still, very much. thats where my fault is. i mean i just don't get it... if a man claims to be soooo happy with another woman, why would he be coming to me, an ex girlfriend, looking for a friendship. most of the time we just talk. ive asked him why he just didn't call one of his other friends and he makes up some kind of excuse. i know this is all just stupid, but im just so confused. i know he is stringing me on, but i don't exactly know how to cut the string. he always mends it back into one piece and wheels me in again Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 The thing is, you are not obliged to return his calls, especially if it is detrimental to your own situation. Being in contact with him, and talking with him about whatever is on his mind - and the two of you have not kept it entirely platonical - is what friendship would be. You still have feelings for him. Feelings that are preventing you from cutting the guy out of your life, and move on with it. His claimed happiness, is a stressful happiness. It might be not true at all. And the way he behaved suggests that it is not true at all. He is just hiding a bit of his unhappiness. But what goes on in his mind, is hard to make out. What he is getting out of it? Someone to listen to him, and his opinions, to indulge in the occasional physical expression. Talking about whatever is on his mind. And you can judge by the nature of the subjects what his intentions are. His motives can be plentiful - from sympathy for the poor guy, he might portray himself to be, someone who keeps on listening to all his personal thoughts and problems without ever calling him to get his act together. If there is a woman to talk to for him, it should be his fiance, and not an ex-gf. And some men can't handle the idea of an ex-gf moving on. As a result of that, they keep in touch with the ex-gf and keep up a "meaningful" relationship with the ex, but paralyzing her pursuits to find her happiness. You recognize that he comes up with lame excuses why he can't talk to his friends and must talk to you. It is clearly a ploy, and you are the best judge of his motives. Does he talk about his fiance, and the coming baby with you? If so, he is using you as an emotional crutch - without caring too much for the restrictions he places on you, the injuries he inflicts upon you. The best way to get out of this mess, is to start No Contact, and not responding to his phone calls. It is very hard to do, but staying in this friendship is very hard too - and he makes the calls, and he does not seem to have your best interests at heart. Nor of his fiancee. And you must realize why you are doing it - not to punish him, but for yourself. To allow yourself to heal, and not be involved in the problems of your ex-bf and his fiancee anymore. Those problems are for them to solve. Link to post Share on other sites
nightskyreader Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 This guy is about to make a commitment like he has never made before. He just wants a little strange before he ties the knot, and he probably has you pegged for a sure thing because he knows of your feelings about him. He is using you like a cheap tool. It's 4th and long, sweetie. Time to punt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tna Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 thanks for all of your advice. especially u d'. u really made me think about a lot of things. i know i need to move on, thats what i have been trying to do. but it is hard. but life is hard, therefore i need to try harder. i guess deep down i just want him to love me again, it makes me sad to know this girl has everything i should have right now. i need to stop and get my life back on track. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tna Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 so do u think the reason he acts like we did when we were together is because he isnt gettin what he had with me at home now? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by tna so do u think the reason he acts like we did when we were together is because he isnt gettin what he had with me at home now? Yes, and the reverse holds also true. You might have a few qualities his now fiancee does not have. Or, if she has communication skills, it does not allow them to talk almost stress free about everything. Right now she is getting married too, plus having a baby. These are all inducing stress, making it harder for a couple to make everything go as smoothly as without all the problems. Partly you are an escape to him - when he was with you he did not have to fear pregnancy, and all responsibilities that comes with it, as much as he has to now. But partly you are a second girlfriend to him. Although his intentions are not necessarily bad, the effects it can have on you or his impending marriage are big. He is already taken, he has already given his word to another woman. You are now in a situation, in which you can't win. You can't have him. And if you would have him, the trust issues would be so severe that a healthy relationship is almost impossible. I know there are still feeling present, and they will get hurt one way or the other. The best thing now is to extract yourself from the situation. It will be painful, but a lot less painful than if you go the entire ride (until he discover that he is supposed to get married to the mother of his child) with him. Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 "well we did have some physical activity on a couple of these get together" he probably goes home after this thinking "mission accomplished", and you fell for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Iluvsiamese Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 He may be calling you because he has gotten himself into a mess and doesn't like it. But he doesn't have the guts to either call off the marriage or really accept his responsibility. What he is doing here is pretending to "do the right thing" but is acting out that he doesn't want to. You, as someone else stated, are safe for him. The other thing is that you are easy for him--you boost his ego. After 4 years, he knows you and knows what to expect from you--that's called comfort. However, consider this: what will happen when he is married? As long as you allow this to continue, he will take whatever you are willing to give. Are you willing to be "the other woman?" He has stated clearly that you are just a friend so why are you willing to sacrifice yourself for his convenience, comfort and entertainment? Supposing he announced that he wanted more from you, can you trust this guy? Even if he dumped his pregnant fiancee would you be able to relax and enjoy life? Being with someone you can't trust is more miserable than being without them. Say "bubye" girl! Link to post Share on other sites
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