A plea to those unsure of your spouse-to-be

[nightskyreader]

In my jaded view of the world, here is a checklist you should run through before taking the plunge:

 

1. Financial independence. Is your fiance capable of bringing home the bacon should times get tough? Are they in debt or have lousy credit? Are they going to be a financial anchor around your neck for the rest of your life? My wife had her car repossessed, never made more than $18K a year, and couldn't pay her student loans due to reckless spending and inability to maintain a budget.

 

2. Family's financial independence. Does your fiance have a close relative who is going to be your dependent for the rest of their lives? You ought to look into it. I run up a credit card buying the car title back for my mother-in-law, paid $800 in cell phone charges because I agreed to co-sign on the contract, currently pay the regular phone bill for the mother and brother-in-law, and watch anywhere from $600-$800 per month go out of my bank account to pay for the in-law's rent and groceries. She does not have a job and probably never will again since she has already filed two workers comp claims. She is my dependent now.

 

3. Do you admire your spouse-to-be? Yeah, we all know the sex is out of this world and they look good in a thong, but are you IMPRESSED with them? Is he ambitious? Does she have a skill that you respect? Is he equally educated and accomplished? My wife finished one year of college and only cares about raising babies, whereas I have earned a doctorate degree and strive to set and reach career goals, and practice at my various hobbies so that I can excel in them. I think you have to look at your fiance and think "Damn, that is one awesome person right there! I would be sooo lucky to marry that person."

 

4. Why are you marrying? Yeah, yeah, of course you love him, that's a given. Don't believe all that fairy-tale talk about Love Is All You Need though. Has he passed the above criteria, or are you just marrying him because you have been together for so long already. Why not marry that person, right? I mean, people get married all the time after living together for X years. You should too, right? Wrong.

 

5. Are they complacent and fat already? Hmmm... Sally's been packing away those ice cream sandwiches lately. How much has she gained already, 10, 15 pounds in the last six months? Well you better do something about it now, because if you tell her to go on a diet after you're married then you are a sonnovabitch according to your friends. By age 50 she'll have diabetes, hypertension, and hypercholesterolemia, and Medicare won't kick in for another 15 years, so get ready to shuck out $350/month for medication and doctor visits. See number 1 above. Plus, she won't look as good in a nightie as she did when you first started dating, but by then she owns your ass so just pony up to the bed, close your eyes, and think happy thoughts as you get to the dirty business of your sexual obligation. It's your spouse, after all.

 

6. Is your fiance crazy as a ****-house rat? Are your friends visiting less and less often? Have some of them told you, "You're seriously *&^%ing up if you tie the knot with that." Has he thrown a book at one of your friends at a party, caused the whole place to come to a deathy still silence, and made you want to crawl into a little hole somewhere to avoid the looks of disappointment from everyone in the room? Run away while you can!

 

My purpose isn't to dissuade you from marrying the perfect person, but for the love of all that is holy, make SURE he is the perfect person. I think that everyone gets cold feet before a wedding, but search your soul. If you know in the depths of your heart that this isn't the person for any of the above mentioned reasons, DON'T DO IT.

 

Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck in your marraige.

[moimeme]

Sadly, too few people will read this before marrying. It'll be the ones separating and divorcing that'll be reading that and saying 'cripes, if only I'd thought of that!'.

[nightskyreader]

Yeah well I'm no prophet, that's for sure. Those words come from experience, and being in the situation now where I am seriously contemplating a divorce, I can definitely say "Why didn't someone write these words for me?" Oh they were written alright, not in words but in clues. I failed to heed them, however. If can, through this thread, deflect just one dysfunctional marraige before it happens, then my work here is done.

 

Thanks for the supportive post, moimeme. I love that signature, by the way. Those words ring true.

[moimeme]

I can definitely say "Why didn't someone write these words for me"

 

Well that's the thing. There are many, many books about what to do to prepare yourself for marriage (Barbara DeAngelis' 'Are You The One For Me?' comes to mind but there are more) and there are marriage preparation courses but it's still not accepted wisdom that people about to marry should do more than fall in love and then marry. I still think that people ought to be made to attend marriage prep courses before they're allowed to get a license. Parents should buy their kids those books for graduation presents. But despite the amount of information that exists, each new couple reinvents the wheel.

 

I love that signature, by the way. Those words ring true

 

Glad you like it!

[Thinkalot]

sorry you sound so unhappy nightskyreader. I hope things change for the better for you, one way or the other.

 

I am a newlywed. My husband and I are far from perfect ( I am overcoming OCD which causes issues right there), but thankfully I can say we have run through (and passed) all the points on your checklist!! We thought long and hard about the decision.

 

I always feel anxious when I see people who get married within a year or even 6 months. It can work of course, there are always examples, but you dont really know all there is to know about someone in such a short timeframe.... heck, I dont think you EVER know all there is to know about someone..you just keep learning.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

All of the things you list boil down to issues of RESPECT.

 

If someone is recklessly spending household money, then they are disrespecting the other person and their financial well-being.

 

If someone does not take care of their physical health, becomes obese or adopts and unhealthy lifestyle, then they are not respecting themselves, and therefore are disrespecting their spouse. Just like loving oneself and loving another, respect is something that you cannot give if you don't have self-respect.

[Thea]

It's amazing how some people leap into marriage with their eyes closed. These same people would never enter a business partnership in the same way. They would check references, compatibility and have a signed agreement of how to manage the partnership. I am not suggesting you would do that for a marriage but some sort of agreement and knowledge is required.

 

Over fifty per cent of marriages fail - mostly because people didn't look further into the future than bedtime.

[smile95]

Great post....not getting marriedanytime soon, but made me realize who I do and do not want to marry! I have in my head that I am 28 and need to be married. I guess I would rather be single than be able to say I am married and be unhappy, only to divorce yrs later.....thanks.

[Thinkalot]

I think that it is so true that it is vitally important that you respect and admire your partner...not just the way they look, but the person they are, the things they do etc.

 

My husband and I have at times treated each other with a lack of respect. That is the worst thing that can happen. Usually we realise that we are treating each other poorly, and address the problem.

 

Luckily, though, overall we respect each other, and the people we are. It's so important.

I feel so proud of my husband and his achievements. I am proud to stand next to him at a party for example, proud to introduce him as my husband. He often says he's proud of me too.

[bab]

I'm getting married next spring, and I agree very much with what you've said. My fiance and I have been dating for 4 1/2 years, and we've already discussed some of our long term financial goals. Actually, we did that BEFORE we got engaged. I'm just finishing grad school now, and even with a post-doc he'll be making more than I am, but long term we've got about the same earning potential. We both agree we want to live below our means, because peace of mind about finances is a ton more rewarding than having a huge house.

 

We haven't done any pre-marital counceling yet, but we DEFINITELY will. Nobody can be truely objective when it come to matters of the heart, but we're trying. We've also agreed that at any time during the marriage either of us comes to the other with the request for Marital Counceling, that we go, no questions asked.

 

Here's an interesting question. I understand that infatuation and wonderful sex doesn't carry a marriage, (which SHOULD be obvious), but how much do they matter? What I mean is, say you've got a couple that pass the 6 questions with flying colors, and even are best friends, but don't neccessarily have that "love" (I believe that one of the huge shortcomings of the English language is that there is only one word for love) that we associate with modern marriages or extreme sexual desire. Should they marry? (This isn't my situation, but something I've been wondering)

[nightskyreader]

I think the love, passion, sexual attraction, whatever you want to call it, HAS to be there also. Otherwise, you'll go looking for it somewhere else. That is a strong emotional need, heck it's a deeply rooted biological drive. I'm not sure what would be worse, having a wife who you lusted after but she was worthless in every other matter away from the bed, or having a wife who was great for you in every way but you just didn't find her attractive at all.

[moimeme]

What I mean is, say you've got a couple that pass the 6 questions with flying colors, and even are best friends, but don't neccessarily have that "love" (I believe that one of the huge shortcomings of the English language is that there is only one word for love) that we associate with modern marriages or extreme sexual desire. Should they marry? (This isn't my situation, but something I've been wondering)

 

It depends. If both of the individuals are lackadaisical about sex (which can happen) then it doesn't matter. It has been my experience that love generates desire, but apparently that's not the case for evryone. I have trouble even comprehending that but I guess I'm wired differently. Anyway, it is certainly possible to have a pragmatic marriage based on love, respect, etc. but lacking in sexual passion but obviously that will only work if both partners feel the same way about the importance of sex to a relationship.

[Groovy]

I like this post too. I just got engaged today! I looked at this checklist before I came to this post. Too many people are into good looks and don't look at financially responsibility, the ability to take care of own's self or emotional maturity. Without those any marriage will indeed suck.