Results of trying some of the "180" stuff...........is this to be expected?

[southernbelle1970]

New poster here, but long-time reader. My "story" in a nutshell, been married 24 years, 2 kids, GREAT relationship in all areas except he is LD and I am not what I would really call HD, but I need physical affection and contact more than he does. We have battled this for years, tried going to counseling and he refused to go back after one visit saying the counselor was "biased" towards me because she was a "she" AND that he didn't like talking about feelings. Offered to let him pick a counselor and he doesn't want to do that.

 

SOOOO- after having frequent fights over a period of years, I decided to try some of the stuff on the 180-list. That list is LONG and really seemed to be geared towards people in affair situations, struggling with separation/divorce, etc, but I found myself doing some of the things on there without even realizing it................putting more focus on myself (have always worked out and am in excellent shape, so not much more I can do there, but I am finding new hobbies and areas of interest for a "side" career in addition to my regular job), NOT badgering him about being physically together (used to make requests, give hints, etc. a whole lot and I think it drove him further away). I also quit giving in to some of the things that he likes me to do with him since he wasn't reciprocating in other areas. Don't know what I expected, but what I got was after about two weeks of that, we basically had a blow up, he says "you are so detached, it's obvious you aren't happy in this R, etc., going to give you an out if you want it." I guess I thought I would just get my frame of mind into another place and we would continue on in a LD relationship, only I wouldn't be bothered by it anymore. Quite different than what I got which was anger, offering to let me go, etc.

 

Is this to be expected? Have I made things worse trying to change my state of mind where LD doesn't bother me anymore? Any thoughts?

[BettyDraper]

[]

 

He's angry because he's no longer in control of the situation.

Edited August 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted quote of immediately preceding post ~6

[southernbelle1970]

OMG, BettyDraper, he was ANGRY! And to give me an "out"?!? What am I supposed to do, keep living like we were feeling rejected all of the time? I am much happier now that I have found new things to occupy myself with................I would think HE would be happier because i"m no longer complaining about our LD love life. I honestly don't know what to do now if this is making it worse...................I thought it would be the solution. Do I keep it up knowing that it is infuriating him? Or go back to the way it was? Seems like neither is a good solution. Thoughts??

[TrustedthenBusted]

When someone offers you an out, it's usually because they don't have the balls to make the decision themselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's angry because he's no longer in control of the situation.

 

So true, there's an old adage saying "he who cares the least has the most power".

 

He no longer seems to be the one caring the least...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

So what should I do? Keep on 'doing my thing' and have him get more and more upset that I am detaching? I'm not really trying to detach COMPLETELY, just trying to keep myself occupied, busy, and anything except focusing on the one area of our M that I am unhappy with. I actually think I was SUCCEEDING about not really feeling like I need that aspect of our R any more. Which is part of the goal of 180, at least in my circumstance, right?? So what do I do? Go back to 'badgering' and showing interest? Or keep moving along doing other things???

[southernbelle1970]

I kind of wondered this....................and why would he even offer it if he didn't somehow didn't want me to go? He claims he would be devastated. But the fact he offered it up, makes me wonder if he really would.

 

When someone offers you an out, it's usually because they don't have the balls to make the decision themselves.

[southernbelle1970]

Why does that bother him, though? I thought me not badgering, harassing, and trying to otherwise get some attention from him would be just what he has wanted all along. I started to sense the resentment of me asking and trying to solicit from him, which the natural thought is 'back off' and give him some space, as much as it hurt me to go weeks without any physical contact. *I* am the one that has felt rejected for years, so now he is feeling REJECTED after two weeks when I quit doing what he has resented me doing so much?? I just can't make sense of it, I really can't.

 

So true, there's an old adage saying "he who cares the least has the most power".

 

He no longer seems to be the one caring the least...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

Forgot to add that during the blow-up, he says the reason why he isn't as interested is because he has self-confidence issues in multiple areas, including his weight. Which I could care less about his weight and told him it doesn't bother me. Is the "self-confidence issues" legit or just a cop-out? I do get the concept of not having any self-confidence would equate to not really wanting to have an physical relationship, but also just wonder if it's an excuse? And also makes me think back to the old adage of you can only change yourself, not other people......................so there really isn't much I can do to help him with a self-confidence issue other than just to be as encouraging as possible, right? Or IS there?

 

Sorry I am just rambling with multiple posts. It's helping me to process all of this and type it out, it just comes in bursts and isn't very cohesive.

[Mr. Lucky]

Forgot to add that during the blow-up, he says the reason why he isn't as interested is because he has self-confidence issues in multiple areas, including his weight. Which I could care less about his weight and told him it doesn't bother me. Is the "self-confidence issues" legit or just a cop-out? I do get the concept of not having any self-confidence would equate to not really wanting to have an physical relationship, but also just wonder if it's an excuse? And also makes me think back to the old adage of you can only change yourself, not other people......................so there really isn't much I can do to help him with a self-confidence issue other than just to be as encouraging as possible, right? Or IS there?

 

If I had self-confidence issues, the sexual advances of a pretty southernbelle might certainly help me get over them .

 

Does a lack of self-confidence show up in others ways than the bedroom for him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I think you have woefully misunderstood the purpose of the 180.

 

The 180 is absolutely NOT a system or strategy for getting someone to be more cuddly and affectionate. It is not a means to connect and bond with someone more closely in a relationship.

 

The 180 is a means to move on and move forward with your own life after someone has dumped you or is actively cheating on you or mistreating you.

 

It is a means to insure that an ex doesn't use or manipulate you and keep you hanging on after a relationship has ended.

 

It is NOT therapy or a means to reconcile a past relationship or fix or improve a current one.

 

The 180 is about moving on after a break up.

 

Doing the 180 in a current relationship that does not involve some kind of maltreatment is like throwing gas on a fire

[southernbelle1970]

Well, it wasn't my intent to DO the 180, just realized that some of what I was doing was some of the same things. To keep my sanity, I just don't know what else to do.................made sense to me that given that I can only change myself and not hiim, the only way not to obsess about it, and the only way not to continue to approach him when he clearly isn't really into it (or "badgering" as he perceives it) is to focus on myself. 90% of the other stuff on that list is not really relevant, just the re-focusing and minding my own business and activiies is really what I am trying to do. What *is* the other option except to keep getting disappointed and making him resentful for approaching him, which leads to a negative home environment. Just not sure what else I could do.

 

 

 

 

I think you have woefully misunderstood the purpose of the 180.

 

The 180 is absolutely NOT a system or strategy for getting someone to be more cuddly and affectionate. It is not a means to connect and bond with someone more closely in a relationship.

 

The 180 is a means to move on and move forward with your own life after someone has dumped you or is actively cheating on you or mistreating you.

 

It is a means to insure that an ex doesn't use or manipulate you and keep you hanging on after a relationship has ended.

 

It is NOT therapy or a means to reconcile a past relationship or fix or improve a current one.

 

The 180 is about moving on after a break up.

 

Doing the 180 in a current relationship that does not involve some kind of maltreatment is like throwing gas on a fire

[southernbelle1970]

LOL, yes, I see your point. He tells me I am beautiful and look 20 years younger than my age, while he looks 15 years older than his age. Keeps talking about why I would want to be with someone who is "on the downside of life" - even though we are both only 2 years apart. It doesn't seem to spill over in any other area of his life, not that I can tell. I just WANT that connection, and am not getting it with this "roommate status".....................yet I'm doomed if I push for things, or evidently doomed if I detach and try to work on myself. And he has already written off a counselor, so I have no idea WHAT to do. I sincerely don't.

 

I almost feel like if the kids were gone - which they will be in five years - I would just go ahead and let him go. I feel like i am pressuring him to be something he isn't. But the thought of it makes my heart break and just incredibly sad. And scared. Guess I am afraid of being alone or maybe looking for something that I will never find (( Have said time and time again that I would hate being in the dating scene these days.

 

If I had self-confidence issues, the sexual advances of a pretty southernbelle might certainly help me get over them .

 

Does a lack of self-confidence show up in others ways than the bedroom for him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

I just WANT that connection, and am not getting it with this "roommate status".....................yet I'm doomed if I push for things, or evidently doomed if I detach and try to work on myself. And he has already written off a counselor, so I have no idea WHAT to do. I sincerely don't.

 

If he won't do MC, individual counseling might still be of value in determining a path forward for you. Life will always have risks, sometimes we have to be brave in our choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

I'm a little confused here... why do you say you're afraid of being on the dating scene again like you were on it recently and yet you have kids that are going to be grown in 5 years?

[southernbelle1970]

Yes, I guess I could do that. I am afraid either way (whether I go see a counselor on my own or not) it will come down to me having a decision to make since I know a counselor isn't going to tell you "Do this" or "Don't do that"..................guess I don't want to have to make any choices, so doing nothing is less scary. But it could provide some clarity on the situation, for sure. Something I will definitely consider!

 

If he won't do MC, individual counseling might still be of value in determining a path forward for you. Life will always have risks, sometimes we have to be brave in our choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

No, I just mean if heaven forbid at some point we both decide it's just not worth it anymore, I would not want to live the rest of life by myself, so assume I would want to meet people at some point. I have a few friends who have been single by choice for a while and every now and then will try the dating scene, and they've all had nothing but horror stories to tell. Which means, if I want a life with a partner where I have a real connection, it just may not be out there to be had. WHich means, not doing anything and accepting the R I have - even if it isn't what I would like it to be - would be the better choice.

 

As bad as it might get, I do not want to make any major life changes as long as I still have kids living at home. And then of course there is always the possibility at some point something will click and things improve.

 

 

 

 

I'm a little confused here... why do you say you're afraid of being on the dating scene again like you were on it recently and yet you have kids that are going to be grown in 5 years?

[BluesPower]

I just have some thoughts...

 

First, you guys are what about 45? Kids? Gone from house? Your husband sounds like he is chronically depressed possibly. It would describe low libido and self confidence issues.

 

It sounds like he really needs to take a look at himself and get it together. He may also have some ED issues? Does that come up?

 

Maybe he wants out of the marriage, it is kind of hard to say.

 

But, I will tell you this, if my wife told me she needed more sex, she would not be able to walk for a week. So something is going on here.

 

It could be low testosterone and a host of other things. From what I am reading, you have been very patient, and trying to encourage him to be more interested in sex.

 

I really don't think it is right for one of the marriage partners to be wanting in the sex department of a marriage. I know a lot of people will say that that is the way that it is, but I don't think it has to be that way.

 

At some point you may have to decide if you can continue to live in a situation where you are not getting an important need met.

 

So you feel you could live in a low sex/low sex marriage for the rest of your life? I know that I could not.

 

Let us know how it is going.

[ShatteredLady]

My husband won't even go to a swimming pool with the kids! There are many men who, just like women, become incredibly self conscious about how they look naked.

 

Was he different when he was in-shape?

 

I know that communication can be incredibly hard. You say that you've tried to improve this area of your marriage but have you sat down with a bottle of wine & told him some of the things that you've said here? Reassured him?

 

Does he have any other bedroom problems? Men can be incredibly sensitive about this stuff. The old cliche of men always wanting sex makes it even harder for women (& many men) to understand.

 

For me it's all the other things that come with a good sex life that I truly miss.

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

[NTV]

Just a thought... if the way you talk in life is how you type here, and the semi 180 you've been doing.... if I were your husband... I would assume you were having an affair.

 

 

More clearly put... you said you had a need and have probably expressed that need to him for a while. Maybe he didn't realize the importance of the need to you, or felt helpless to do anything about it, or gave the kids a higher priority because... well heck they're kids, but whatever the reason the need wasn't met. Then, all of the sudden, you stop acting like you normally do. You stop asking him to meet that need. He sees his value in your eyes diminish rather quickly.... yeah, those signs point to an affair even if unintentionally.

 

 

And what can anyone do about their spouse having an affair?

 

 

1. shut up and take it

2. leave

3. go nuts.

 

 

Usually a little bit of all three right after they just found out, but more the 'going nuts' part when they just suspect but don't know for sure.

 

 

So yeah.... you used a hammer to clean the windows and you're confused why he's wondering why you hate the house? lol

[spanz1]

why not just sit down and say something like "i think we have a good marriage, but i want a GREAT marriage. i am willing to do what it takes to make it better. do you want to also???" and see what he says.

 

and tell him to lose some frigin weight, you will like it, he will like it, and he will live a lot longer too.

[cc_zero]

I think the both of you need to sit down and study up on the 5 love languages.

 

My relationship is the exact opposite of yours. I'm HD and physical touch is my top love language, while my wife's is words of affirmation (physical touch is last for her). She is also similar to your husband, she's an independent person who does not like to discuss feelings and keeps a lot bottled up. She's much worse at communicating that I am. I feel the need for the communication to build intimacy and she'd rather not.

 

We did the exercise though.. as I had on my own narrowed down that words of affirmation and acts of service were probably her top 2 upon reading about it. So I started doing it... after a few weeks, I sat her down and explained it to her. We both listed out our top love languages and what was important to us from 1 to 5. I think it opened her eyes to see how I was actively pursuing hers and that mine were vastly different than her order.

 

That said... I'm Physical Touch 1 and Quality Time 2. She's Words of affirmation 1 and acts of service 2. QT and PT are bottom of her list. So I do wonder whether than can actually work long term between 2 people.

[Mr. Lucky]

Which means, if I want a life with a partner where I have a real connection, it just may not be out there to be had. WHich means, not doing anything and accepting the R I have - even if it isn't what I would like it to be - would be the better choice.

 

There are lots of good reasons to stay married, some of which you've listed.

 

A bad reason would be that you're simply afraid of the alternative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

OK, I don't know how to do multiple quotes, so I'll just respond all at once.

 

Yes, I am 45, he is 47.............kids are 14 and 16. About 8 years ago we went through something similar and turns out at that time he did have low testosterone. Went to get the shots weekly for about 2 years and life was really pretty good, and we were about a match in terms of HD/LD. But he decided at some point HE couldn't feel a difference in how he felt (his reason for going was not LD, it was because he was tired, having the weigh issues, etc., so felt he didn't any difference there and just quit after two years). He has never had any ED issues. We are together about 1x a month and there have never been any ED issues.

 

He has told me before - in an aggravated tone - that he just can't change anything else about himself, feels like he re-arranged his whole life once we got married and had kids. So he basically has said don't ask him to make any changes.............it's all on me as to whether or not I can handle life 'as is'.

 

I just have some thoughts...

 

First, you guys are what about 45? Kids? Gone from house? Your husband sounds like he is chronically depressed possibly. It would describe low libido and self confidence issues.

 

It sounds like he really needs to take a look at himself and get it together. He may also have some ED issues? Does that come up?

 

Maybe he wants out of the marriage, it is kind of hard to say.

 

But, I will tell you this, if my wife told me she needed more sex, she would not be able to walk for a week. So something is going on here.

 

It could be low testosterone and a host of other things. From what I am reading, you have been very patient, and trying to encourage him to be more interested in sex.

 

I really don't think it is right for one of the marriage partners to be wanting in the sex department of a marriage. I know a lot of people will say that that is the way that it is, but I don't think it has to be that way.

 

At some point you may have to decide if you can continue to live in a situation where you are not getting an important need met.

 

So you feel you could live in a low sex/low sex marriage for the rest of your life? I know that I could not.

 

Let us know how it is going.

[southernbelle1970]

It's been a LONG time since he was in shape, but no, we never had those problems them. And he also won't go in a swimming pool without a shirt on. I have sat down with him and told him that I love him for HIM and not whether he is in or out of shape, but have told him he would probably feel better if he was in shape. I just feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. Like I told one of the other posters, he has basically told me in no uncertain terms if I don't like the way things are, then he will let me go to find somebody I can be happy with. Not willing to make any more changes. Which hurts my heart. Says he loves me and feels like he made a lot of sacrifices getting married and having kids, so feels like he shouldn't have to make any more changes more than what he already has (which is not going out all of the time, being at home doing family activities, giving up single lifestyle, basically - those are his sacrifices - which I admit are sacrifices, and I am grateful, but does that mean he can't change ANYTHING else??

 

My husband won't even go to a swimming pool with the kids! There are many men who, just like women, become incredibly self conscious about how they look naked.

 

Was he different when he was in-shape?

 

I know that communication can be incredibly hard. You say that you've tried to improve this area of your marriage but have you sat down with a bottle of wine & told him some of the things that you've said here? Reassured him?

 

Does he have any other bedroom problems? Men can be incredibly sensitive about this stuff. The old cliche of men always wanting sex makes it even harder for women (& many men) to understand.

 

For me it's all the other things that come with a good sex life that I truly miss.

 

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.