Results of trying some of the "180" stuff...........is this to be expected?

[southernbelle1970]

I DID read it! And tried to get him to read it. He refused, so I told him I would copy the sections that pertained to my love languages (which was physical touch and affirmation) and what I thought were HIS love languages (acts of service and quality time). He says he read through them, but then accused me of trying to psychoanalyze him and trying to change him into someone he is not. I truly believe in the love languages concept and all about it. He, unfortunately has shut it down.

 

I think the both of you need to sit down and study up on the 5 love languages.

 

My relationship is the exact opposite of yours. I'm HD and physical touch is my top love language, while my wife's is words of affirmation (physical touch is last for her). She is also similar to your husband, she's an independent person who does not like to discuss feelings and keeps a lot bottled up. She's much worse at communicating that I am. I feel the need for the communication to build intimacy and she'd rather not.

 

We did the exercise though.. as I had on my own narrowed down that words of affirmation and acts of service were probably her top 2 upon reading about it. So I started doing it... after a few weeks, I sat her down and explained it to her. We both listed out our top love languages and what was important to us from 1 to 5. I think it opened her eyes to see how I was actively pursuing hers and that mine were vastly different than her order.

 

That said... I'm Physical Touch 1 and Quality Time 2. She's Words of affirmation 1 and acts of service 2. QT and PT are bottom of her list. So I do wonder whether than can actually work long term between 2 people.

[southernbelle1970]

Unfortunately, fear of the alternative is probably my biggest reason, second only to not wanting the kids to have to go through this. Fear of what? Fear of not being able to make it on my own without living in poverty AND fear of winding up more alone than I already am (i.e., maybe I am just looking for something that isn't out there or doesn't exist.............sure, maybe I get someone who is physically affectionate, but maybe they are hooked on drugs or alcohol.............or have declared bankruptcy five times................or wouldn't do the little "acts of service" that my hubby does so well. Maybe there is nobody out there that exists that would be "better" for me.

 

There are lots of good reasons to stay married, some of which you've listed.

 

A bad reason would be that you're simply afraid of the alternative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

AGREED, he would feel better. It's a horrible topic for us and I just can't bring it up (the weight part). As far as the rest, YES, I have done that several times and get the same response ('I'm not willing to make any more changes than I already have so if you can't cope with the way it is, you have the option to go.............."). NOT what I had hoped to hear (( This has been going on AT LEAST eight years. I know. Crazy.

 

why not just sit down and say something like "i think we have a good marriage, but i want a GREAT marriage. i am willing to do what it takes to make it better. do you want to also???" and see what he says.

 

and tell him to lose some frigin weight, you will like it, he will like it, and he will live a lot longer too.

[southernbelle1970]

Wow. I honestly didn't think about it like that! I see you point.............wow. So I wonder if there is a happy medium...............something between the 180 and just putting up with things the way they are. Any ideas are welcomed. I sure as heck don't want him thinking something else is going on. It's already hard enough to be in this situation with all of the tension and built up resentment - really on both ends. Me resentful because I feel rejected and him resentful because he feels like I am badgering him all of the time and trying to make him change. IS there a happy medium???

 

Just a thought... if the way you talk in life is how you type here, and the semi 180 you've been doing.... if I were your husband... I would assume you were having an affair.

 

 

More clearly put... you said you had a need and have probably expressed that need to him for a while. Maybe he didn't realize the importance of the need to you, or felt helpless to do anything about it, or gave the kids a higher priority because... well heck they're kids, but whatever the reason the need wasn't met. Then, all of the sudden, you stop acting like you normally do. You stop asking him to meet that need. He sees his value in your eyes diminish rather quickly.... yeah, those signs point to an affair even if unintentionally.

 

 

And what can anyone do about their spouse having an affair?

 

 

1. shut up and take it

2. leave

3. go nuts.

 

 

Usually a little bit of all three right after they just found out, but more the 'going nuts' part when they just suspect but don't know for sure.

 

 

So yeah.... you used a hammer to clean the windows and you're confused why he's wondering why you hate the house? lol

[Mr. Lucky]

He has told me before - in an aggravated tone - that he just can't change anything else about himself, feels like he re-arranged his whole life once we got married and had kids. So he basically has said don't ask him to make any changes.............it's all on me as to whether or not I can handle life 'as is'.

 

There you go, you've been noticed. Pretty clear what he is - and isn't - going to do.

 

southernbelle1970, if you stay in the marriage, it's on you. Like leaving, remaining is a choice and you can't have it both ways. 10 years from now, can't complain of sacrifices or missed opportunities if you voluntarily stay in such a flawed relationship.

 

Not a decision I'd take lightly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! Will you be honest here? I think it's very important. The whole making changes for you? You say......

 

"he feels like I am badgering him all of the time and trying to make him change."

 

.....but when you list the big changes (not going out all the time, no single life etc) what you're listing is called "Being Married", growing-up & all that stuff. They're NOT sacrifices!! How is spending time with your wife "sacrificing"? I'd find that heart breaking!

 

 

....so the truth?!? Are you constantly nagging him to change? Different clothes, new hair style, new house, your decorating, no hobbies etc etc?

[sandylee1]

I would feel quite peeved if my husband told me he'd made sacrifices by getting married and having kids. Surely if he has, you have too?

 

I've made sarlcrifices by having to work reduced hours when the kids were younger and not being able to take a higher paid job that meant travelling a lot. My career was affected, not my husband's.

 

It's like you should be grateful to him.

 

I can understand why you've started doing your own thing, as it's a way to cope with the lack of intimacy and to distract you from the issue. The thing is you have to assess after a while if that's making you happy. Unfortunately your husband is fine with you not getting your needs met, but when it affects him he's not happy.

 

Similar advice was given to a woman living with her partner, joint mortgage and a child who wanted marriage. She said she was implementing elements of the 180, to try and be happy within herself and ramp up her social life ... to take her mind off him not wanting to marry her. Just to see if she could be happy as a lifetime girlfriend. It's intended as a coping mechanism.

[BluesPower]

I have read all of these posts, and I am asking you and everyone some questions. I am hoping to be kind of comprehensive about this because all lot of this thread really seems broken up.

 

1) Don't you think she has a right to expect her husband to fulfill her need for affection and sex? I mean she has spoken to him, maybe nagged, but she has communicated her needs and he just says no? Is that ok with every one?

 

2) She tries to occupy herself and he gets pissed off? Does anyone think this is cool.

 

3) He has allowed himself to get so heavy that he is ashamed of himself? This is not good for him or his family. When a man (sorry girls, the traditional leader of the family) allows himself to get like this, what kind of example or leader can he be.

 

4) He feels he has made sacrifices by being married? What? Who says that? I am a man that raised 3 kids alone for the most part, because my wife was addicted for 25 years, long story. It has really been a tough road, but being a father and raising my children is the greatest honor that I have or ever will have in my life. He has made sacrifices?

 

Am I missing something here?

 

Belle, If you are not happy and he refuses to change in any way. You may want to think about ending the marriage, maybe separating or something.

 

Maybe the shock will wake him up and maybe it won't. It just seems to me that everyone has a right to try and be happy. Good luck.

Edited August 13, 2016 by BluesPower

[southernbelle1970]

It's just hard. After 24 years, longer than that if you count how long we have known each other, it's just HARD to say "hey, I'm letting go." He is a good person - great dad, great provider, good-hearted person, doesn't do drugs or get drunk, doesn't go out carousing, let's me do what I want around the house, we don't fight about money..................there are so many good things, it seems like I would be throwing all of that away just because of a single issue - our levels of affection aren't comparable. I think I've made it this long honestly because when the kids were babies, we were both too tired to care. As they got older, they still needed time.............now that they are both teenagers are gone more than they are here, I'm face-to-face with that difference and no distractions (kids) to help me ignore it. You are right, though...................It's all on me and I surely can't complain if I stick it out and things stay where they are. Just makes me so sad (

 

There you go, you've been noticed. Pretty clear what he is - and isn't - going to do.

 

southernbelle1970, if you stay in the marriage, it's on you. Like leaving, remaining is a choice and you can't have it both ways. 10 years from now, can't complain of sacrifices or missed opportunities if you voluntarily stay in such a flawed relationship.

 

Not a decision I'd take lightly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[southernbelle1970]

ShatteredLady, the only thing I have "badgered" him about is why he isn't more interested in me "in that way" and trying to get him to be more physical. Haven't said a thing about his weight in YEARS, never talk about any of the things you mentioned. It's all that one topic.

 

We went on a family vacation - separate room for the kids- which was one of those 'trip of a lifetime' kind of trips, one of the most beautiful places in the world. Not one time during the entire week did he approach me. I thought for sure being away from the stress of work would make a difference (work stress is one of the big things he blames on why he never feels like doing anything). I hinted around a couple of times - first two days his back hurt because he didn't like the beds at the hotel, third and fourth he was just grumpy, can't remember on the next one and last two the kids switched rooms and one stayed with me. I will probably never go back to this place again and I felt so cheated to not be able to spend intimate time with the person I love while on this special trip. I know that example sounds so trivial, but honestly, I am harboring a lot of resentment in my heart about that one.

 

Hey! Will you be honest here? I think it's very important. The whole making changes for you? You say......

 

"he feels like I am badgering him all of the time and trying to make him change."

 

.....but when you list the big changes (not going out all the time, no single life etc) what you're listing is called "Being Married", growing-up & all that stuff. They're NOT sacrifices!! How is spending time with your wife "sacrificing"? I'd find that heart breaking!

 

 

....so the truth?!? Are you constantly nagging him to change? Different clothes, new hair style, new house, your decorating, no hobbies etc etc?

[southernbelle1970]

I know, Blue, and I have been thinking about it. The truth of the matter is I am more afraid to go than to stay and just keep trying to muddle through it. I am afraid of not being able to support myself and living in poverty. I am also afraid that I am leaving something that is only "broken" in one area for something that just doesn't exist out there. I need companionship on an intimate level. But all of the horror stories I hear from single friends, there are a lot of people out there who have all kinds of other issues, so I'm trading one thing for something else. Without those fears, and if I didn't have two kids at home, maybe I would be braver. Lame, I know.

 

I have read all of these posts, and I am asking you and everyone some questions. I am hoping to be kind of comprehensive about this because all lot of this thread really seems broken up.

 

1) Don't you think she has a right to expect her husband to fulfill her need for affection and sex? I mean she has spoken to him, maybe nagged, but she has communicated her needs and he just says no? Is that ok with every one?

 

2) She tries to occupy herself and he gets pissed off? Does anyone think this is cool.

 

3) He has allowed himself to get so heavy that he is ashamed of himself? This is not good for him or his family. When a man (sorry girls, the traditional leader of the family) allows himself to get like this, what kind of example or leader can he be.

 

4) He feels he has made sacrifices by being married? What? Who says that? I am a man that raised 3 kids alone for the most part, because my wife was addicted for 25 years, long story. It has really been a tough road, but being a father and raising my children is the greatest honor that I have or ever will have in my life. He has made sacrifices?

 

Am I missing something here?

 

Belle, If you are not happy and he refuses to change in any way. You may want to think about ending the marriage, maybe separating or something.

 

Maybe the shock will wake him up and maybe it won't. It just seems to me that everyone has a right to try and be happy. Good luck.

[elaine567]

4) He feels he has made sacrifices by being married? What? Who says that? I am a man that raised 3 kids alone for the most part, because my wife was addicted for 25 years, long story. It has really been a tough road, but being a father and raising my children is the greatest honor that I have or ever will have in my life. He has made sacrifices?

 

 

I agree and this maybe highlights a deeper problem than just a basic mismatch of intimacy/affection here.

This may highlight resentment on his part.

If it is long standing resentment, then whilst the OP may not want to initiate any drastic change, change may come to her all the same.

[sandylee1]

Blu

 

Everything you've said in post #33 is true.

 

Belle is trying to distract herself from what is lacking in the marriage, in order to try and overlook his lack of desire and he's whinging.

 

Belle - have you actually told him this? That you're trying to keep busy so you don't think about him not wanting to be intimate with you? Because if my husband said that to me, I would step up.

 

It's okay for him to deprive you of intimacy, but the minute your actions affect him - he's on to you.

 

Perhaps tell him, if he isn't happy he can leave.

[NTV]

Really I think that his unwillingness to bend might probably more related to her pushing him to do so....

 

 

For example, if he doesn't feel loved right now (and she has done 180, so why would he?), but she has demanded some changes, than I can say that if I were in his shoes, there's a really good chance that I would feel like she doesn't love or accept me for who I am.

 

 

And why would I do anything for someone who doesn't accept me?

 

 

She's mentioned that she feels rejected, but he's looking in the mirror at his weight, she's demanding he do things, etc. etc. etc.

 

 

I gotta say, that I think if this post was written by a man about his wife, the responses would be a whole lot different.

 

 

Really, I think the cure she's looking for is for her to find ways to build him up. A lot of times in marriages---err, well, I guess in mine anyway---I feel like my wife holds on to old resentments and doesn't ever do or say anything to build me up. Heck, even common courtesy is out the window half the time.

 

 

So, I guess, what I'm asking OP is that why don't you try more of the carrot approach than the stick?

[basil67]

Really I think that his unwillingness to bend might probably more related to her pushing him to do so....

 

For example, if he doesn't feel loved right now (and she has done 180, so why would he?), but she has demanded some changes, than I can say that if I were in his shoes, there's a really good chance that I would feel like she doesn't love or accept me for who I am.

 

And why would I do anything for someone who doesn't accept me?

 

She's mentioned that she feels rejected, but he's looking in the mirror at his weight, she's demanding he do things, etc. etc. etc.

 

I gotta say, that I think if this post was written by a man about his wife, the responses would be a whole lot different.

 

Really, I think the cure she's looking for is for her to find ways to build him up. A lot of times in marriages---err, well, I guess in mine anyway---I feel like my wife holds on to old resentments and doesn't ever do or say anything to build me up. Heck, even common courtesy is out the window half the time.

 

So, I guess, what I'm asking OP is that why don't you try more of the carrot approach than the stick?

 

If genders were reversed, I'd still be supportive of a person doing what they could to fill holes in their lives.

 

Thing is, your post makes sense if the OP hadn't told her husband that she was unfulfilled. It makes sense if she didn't accept his weight or appreciate his other contributions to the house and family. But she does accept those things. The only thing she can't accept is his lack of affection. She's communicated this plenty and he refuses to change. So the only option left to her is to change herself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Southernbelle you seem to be facing an intractable problem and yet every problem is solvable. I would say that rather than looking at it as a problem look at it as a challenge. With that mental attitude you will likely look at things in a positive and solution seeking frame of mind rather than getting bogged down with the circumstances seeming to be insurmountable.

 

I would suggest that you involve your husband in a brainstorming session as to how both of you can get your needs met. If he refuses to comply them maybe you should try the siren approach with him and acquire some sexy attire for the bedroom, get some soft sexy music which you can play in your bedroom after the children have gone to sleep, see if you can get some female pheromones(artificial of course) which you can apply before you retire for the night, look up recipe books for foods which help raise one's libido, get aphrodisiacs under a doctor's guidance which you can mix in your husband's food or drink discreetly, get your husband to use testosterone patches and so on. I'm sure you can come up with a myriad ideas of your own. The thing is not to accept status quo but at the same time not be 'in your face' with your husband about meeting your needs.

 

The other course of action which I personally am not in favour of but which may work in desperate circumstances is that you have a heart to heart talk with your husband detailing your great need for sexual and emotional fulfilment and if he is not willing to step up to the plate then ask him to permit opening your marriage. If he agrees, which he may, then you will have the freedom to find compatible lovers who would be able to fulfill both your sexual and tactile needs including possibly emotional needs if these are also not being met. The thing is he will also be free to seek out partners so it would be a level playing field. However I am very uncomfortable proposing this as a solution even if it is workable and quite frankly it is not for everyone. The third possible solution is that you summon the courage to give him an ultimatum that if things don't change in your favour, that you would like to proceed with divorce. In such a case I would suggest that well before you confront your husband, you get a job (since it appears that you are a SAHM wife) and once you have worked for a year or more and are stable in your job, you then play your cards and proceed with your plans. As far as your fears are concerned I can tell you that most people are fearful of the unknown but the ones who succeed are the ones who take a leap of faith. The adage ' Nothing ventured nothing gained' holds true each and every time.

 

So I guess there is some food for thought for you and the ball is in your court. Start kicking it around! Cheers.

[NTV]

If genders were reversed, I'd still be supportive of a person doing what they could to fill holes in their lives.

 

Thing is, your post makes sense if the OP hadn't told her husband that she was unfulfilled. It makes sense if she didn't accept his weight or appreciate his other contributions to the house and family. But she does accept those things. The only thing she can't accept is his lack of affection. She's communicated this plenty and he refuses to change. So the only option left to her is to change herself.

 

Right but I have also heard no mention of her offering to compromise or bargain just her telling him what she wants....

[BluesPower]

I just cannot understand what is going on with your H, but something is. Men just don't act this way. I know you love him, and I have been there, just never with sex as the issue, but with other things.

 

I am not like all men though, because I love to kiss and cuddle and be affectionate, and most women in my life loved that as well. But all men, should want to have sex unless something is wrong. Low T, depression, other issues. Maybe you need to find a Sex Therapist or something. You may have to file for Divorce In Order to get him out of his malaise.

 

I feel like sex is one of the most if not the most important aspects of marriage. Unless one partner has a physical problems that prevents it, partners really should be there for each other.

 

Here are some ideas for the bedroom that may help.

 

When he goes to bed or even when he is changing cloths after work, give him a BJ. And don't take no for an answer. If he does not make any kind of move, take it to completion, and tell him that you for the treat. No pressure of reciprocation for him, just pleasure for him. Do that for a week, and see if anything changes.

 

Another, hate to use the word "trick", is when he goes to bed, be there at the same time and when he is about to turn in, pleasure yourself while laying next to him, she how he reacts to that?

 

And anything else that you can think of to get this problem solved. Good luck.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think it's messed up how he's said he won't make any changes or compromises to meet your needs. Wtf is that about? Was he always this way through the years, or is this a recent development related to the intimacy/ sex issue? Why did he get married and have kids at all, if he considered it such a huge sacrifice that his job was done at that point?

 

Besides the kids, do you have anything else in common? Do you spend quality time together as a couple? Does he ever compliment you or flirt with you?

 

The 180 thing you speak of sounds like the opposite of a solution. You are not going to stop craving intimacy by distracting yourself, and clearly the new behaviors are pissing your husband off. I also think staying only because you fear the unknown is cowardly and depressing. If I were you I would schedule an mc appt and make it an ultimatum that he come with. Call his bluff on the divorce.

 

If he would really rather split up than consider possible solutions to your issues- you don't really have a functional marriage.

[DKT3]

Sounds like your 95% happy in your marriage but over the years that 5% seems to have become more dominate. You say the kids kept you there but really I think it's the fact that you really believe you have a good marriage minus intimacy.

 

I personally have a hard time understanding men who don't touch their wives, but I grew up in a home with a dad who never passed my mother without physical contact, a kiss on the neck, Pat on the butt of at the very least stroking her arm. It's all I've ever known. But honestly not many people see that. I'm guessing he didn't see that. Low T coupled with being in the age range where sex is less important for men then ever before in his life.

 

Point being, men have a hard time separating sex and intimacy. For most of us its all in the same. Having low T and low self-esteem (I don't know why your with me) kills his desire to be as sexual as you would like. However I believe he may be more open to intimacy if he doesn't think it means sex. Of course intimacy will increase his sexual desire. So the trick is finding ways to be more physical ie holding hands, sitting together while watching TV, more intimate conversation.

 

Rejection....I don't think its rejection in the sense that he isn't interested in you, but more if internal issue. Him feeling uncomfortable isn't the same as him rejecting you. Hard to separate the two, I know. But look at it this way we choose every day to be married, he treats you well in all other areas of your life together, that isn't rejection.

[southernbelle1970]

Thank you for that comment, JAG, that "every problem is solvable." It can seem so hopeless at times. Challenge..........I like that word better! As far as approaches to try, the siren approach won't work. I am pretty certain his t levels are low as they were several years ago before he said it was too much trouble to go get weekly shots (which BTW, when he was getting the shots, life was good in that area..............he claims he didn't notice them doing anything else for him and it wasn't worth the effort to go, so doubt he will go back).............but all of that to say, the siren approach won't work. I've tried it. I am also thinking I couldn't go through with something "open" in the relationship, so I am just going to have to do my best to work through this and can reevaluate in several years when the kids are on their own. I will sort through it all, esp. thanks to some of the feedback I have received here. I do have some encouraging news/updates which I will post below. Thank you for your input!!

 

Hi Southernbelle you seem to be facing an intractable problem and yet every problem is solvable. I would say that rather than looking at it as a problem look at it as a challenge. With that mental attitude you will likely look at things in a positive and solution seeking frame of mind rather than getting bogged down with the circumstances seeming to be insurmountable.

 

I would suggest that you involve your husband in a brainstorming session as to how both of you can get your needs met. If he refuses to comply them maybe you should try the siren approach with him and acquire some sexy attire for the bedroom, get some soft sexy music which you can play in your bedroom after the children have gone to sleep, see if you can get some female pheromones(artificial of course) which you can apply before you retire for the night, look up recipe books for foods which help raise one's libido, get aphrodisiacs under a doctor's guidance which you can mix in your husband's food or drink discreetly, get your husband to use testosterone patches and so on. I'm sure you can come up with a myriad ideas of your own. The thing is not to accept status quo but at the same time not be 'in your face' with your husband about meeting your needs.

 

The other course of action which I personally am not in favour of but which may work in desperate circumstances is that you have a heart to heart talk with your husband detailing your great need for sexual and emotional fulfilment and if he is not willing to step up to the plate then ask him to permit opening your marriage. If he agrees, which he may, then you will have the freedom to find compatible lovers who would be able to fulfill both your sexual and tactile needs including possibly emotional needs if these are also not being met. The thing is he will also be free to seek out partners so it would be a level playing field. However I am very uncomfortable proposing this as a solution even if it is workable and quite frankly it is not for everyone. The third possible solution is that you summon the courage to give him an ultimatum that if things don't change in your favour, that you would like to proceed with divorce. In such a case I would suggest that well before you confront your husband, you get a job (since it appears that you are a SAHM wife) and once you have worked for a year or more and are stable in your job, you then play your cards and proceed with your plans. As far as your fears are concerned I can tell you that most people are fearful of the unknown but the ones who succeed are the ones who take a leap of faith. The adage ' Nothing ventured nothing gained' holds true each and every time.

 

So I guess there is some food for thought for you and the ball is in your court. Start kicking it around! Cheers.

[southernbelle1970]

Yes, I should have mentioned that I have asked and tried to bring up discussion, though it doesn't seem to go over well. Maybe it's the way I am presenting it, I don't know. I do have some good news, though and will update below............it's progress. Small, but progress

 

Right but I have also heard no mention of her offering to compromise or bargain just her telling him what she wants....

[southernbelle1970]

Low t is definitely part of the issue, I am convinced that it very likely is as it was several years ago before he started getting shots..............which he quit doing because he said it wasn't worth it to go once a week with his busy work schedule. He said it didn't really do anything for him, though I disagree. I seriously had thought about depression..............and your comment makes me want to give it further consideration. At first I thought 'no', but it legitimately could be. I am going to consider that..................and have no idea how I would get him to a doctor, as we went through something similar years ago where he WAS depressed, and HATED that word (it was after major life event, nothing with our relationship). At any rate, more food for thought, so THANK YOU!!!

 

I just cannot understand what is going on with your H, but something is. Men just don't act this way. I know you love him, and I have been there, just never with sex as the issue, but with other things.

 

I am not like all men though, because I love to kiss and cuddle and be affectionate, and most women in my life loved that as well. But all men, should want to have sex unless something is wrong. Low T, depression, other issues. Maybe you need to find a Sex Therapist or something. You may have to file for Divorce In Order to get him out of his malaise.

 

I feel like sex is one of the most if not the most important aspects of marriage. Unless one partner has a physical problems that prevents it, partners really should be there for each other.

 

Here are some ideas for the bedroom that may help.

 

When he goes to bed or even when he is changing cloths after work, give him a BJ. And don't take no for an answer. If he does not make any kind of move, take it to completion, and tell him that you for the treat. No pressure of reciprocation for him, just pleasure for him. Do that for a week, and see if anything changes.

 

Another, hate to use the word "trick", is when he goes to bed, be there at the same time and when he is about to turn in, pleasure yourself while laying next to him, she how he reacts to that?

 

And anything else that you can think of to get this problem solved. Good luck.

[southernbelle1970]

Ouch. Some of your words hurt, but are true............this didn't start until after the second child was born, so about 13 years ago...............we don't have much in common other than TV shows and the kids. But I have asked him to start doing some outdoor stuff with me, and he agreed. So that's progress!

 

Oh - I think the 180- stuff might have been a mistake, for sure.............was just trying to distract myself and quit bothering him ( I had good intentions.

 

I think it's messed up how he's said he won't make any changes or compromises to meet your needs. Wtf is that about? Was he always this way through the years, or is this a recent development related to the intimacy/ sex issue? Why did he get married and have kids at all, if he considered it such a huge sacrifice that his job was done at that point?

 

Besides the kids, do you have anything else in common? Do you spend quality time together as a couple? Does he ever compliment you or flirt with you?

 

The 180 thing you speak of sounds like the opposite of a solution. You are not going to stop craving intimacy by distracting yourself, and clearly the new behaviors are pissing your husband off. I also think staying only because you fear the unknown is cowardly and depressing. If I were you I would schedule an mc appt and make it an ultimatum that he come with. Call his bluff on the divorce.

 

If he would really rather split up than consider possible solutions to your issues- you don't really have a functional marriage.

[southernbelle1970]

EVERY BIT of this makes sense. I am so glad to be able to sort through this with feedback like this. I truly never thought of the whole self-confidence issue, what was modeled in his household growing up, etc. I honestly never thought of some of this. I am definitely stopping the 180 and seeing what that does.................and going to print out EVERY response, as it has all been so helpful. THANK YOU!!! ))))

 

Sounds like your 95% happy in your marriage but over the years that 5% seems to have become more dominate. You say the kids kept you there but really I think it's the fact that you really believe you have a good marriage minus intimacy.

 

I personally have a hard time understanding men who don't touch their wives, but I grew up in a home with a dad who never passed my mother without physical contact, a kiss on the neck, Pat on the butt of at the very least stroking her arm. It's all I've ever known. But honestly not many people see that. I'm guessing he didn't see that. Low T coupled with being in the age range where sex is less important for men then ever before in his life.

 

Point being, men have a hard time separating sex and intimacy. For most of us its all in the same. Having low T and low self-esteem (I don't know why your with me) kills his desire to be as sexual as you would like. However I believe he may be more open to intimacy if he doesn't think it means sex. Of course intimacy will increase his sexual desire. So the trick is finding ways to be more physical ie holding hands, sitting together while watching TV, more intimate conversation.

 

Rejection....I don't think its rejection in the sense that he isn't interested in you, but more if internal issue. Him feeling uncomfortable isn't the same as him rejecting you. Hard to separate the two, I know. But look at it this way we choose every day to be married, he treats you well in all other areas of your life together, that isn't rejection.