Results of trying some of the "180" stuff...........is this to be expected?

[NTV]

Glad to hear that you are seeing some opportunities opening up! That's good.

 

 

I know I posted a lot of responses to your thread, but I wasn't sure if you really wanted to work on your marriage or if you were looking for a reason to get out of it. It sounds a lot like you are wanting to work on your marriage, so I thought I'd chip in some things that would work for me, if my wife were in your shoes:

 

 

-attention. Everyone loves attention. Sure, guys tend to want to do a lot of things by themselves without actual social interaction, but that's not to say that they don't want attention--they might just not want it right then. For example, if I'm reading a book by initial biological reaction to ANY (not just Ms. NTV) is irritation. That doesn't mean I don't like attention. It just means I want to be left alone when I read. Some guys that's watching sports, or doing yardwork, or fixing stuff around the house. But what I'm suggesting is that you fill one of his basic relationship needs (giving him attention)... and by that I mean talk about him. Ask questions about him. Not interrogation wise, but his interests. People interests change over time... err I guess unless you're like a POW, then you're interest is escaping and that won't change lol. And it might be hard for you to act interested in hearing him talk about something that you might not care about, but that's okay.

 

 

- if he is depressed, the outdoor activity things is a GREAT idea-- kudos.

 

 

- he might be overwhelmed. I know when I feel overwhelmed with life in general, and my wife says 'hey I wanna talk to you about something...' well my first that is exasperation. Like going to a meeting at worked that you don't have time for because you're already working overtime for your regular duties and you know that during this meeting you will be assigned additional workload. Not saying rebalance the chore list necessarily as much as be aware of when you're talking to him about doing more stuff than he's already doing and whether that's actually going to free up time or not.

 

 

I find that most of my life I have either been short on money or on time and the older I get the more that shortage leans to 'time'. So if there are ways that time can be freed up, that might be a small blessing?

[southernbelle1970]

This is GREAT - and thank you!!!

 

The 'overwhelmed' part is spot on................he actually mentioned this when we had our discussion this week. COMPLETELY overwhelmed with two teenagers and a very demanding job that also has a long commute. I tried to see things through his eyes.

 

YES, was THRILLED about him accepting my invitation to join me in some outside things................thrilled! Maybe it will be good for him in more ways than one.

 

I had not thought about the interruption thing, though..................and will. Just had not thought of that before. I can be that same way, so makes sense he would be, too.

 

Bottom line, maybe he has shut me down directly in that area, but if I can do some things that are indirect that filter over into that area and making him feel good about himself, then I am willing to be a giver and do that................we have too much invested to just give up. And I do love him. Shoot. i really thought the 180-thing was the way to go. I'm certain now I just made it worse ((

 

Thank you so much for these additional thoughts - all very good ones!!!

Glad to hear that you are seeing some opportunities opening up! That's good.

 

 

I know I posted a lot of responses to your thread, but I wasn't sure if you really wanted to work on your marriage or if you were looking for a reason to get out of it. It sounds a lot like you are wanting to work on your marriage, so I thought I'd chip in some things that would work for me, if my wife were in your shoes:

 

 

-attention. Everyone loves attention. Sure, guys tend to want to do a lot of things by themselves without actual social interaction, but that's not to say that they don't want attention--they might just not want it right then. For example, if I'm reading a book by initial biological reaction to ANY (not just Ms. NTV) is irritation. That doesn't mean I don't like attention. It just means I want to be left alone when I read. Some guys that's watching sports, or doing yardwork, or fixing stuff around the house. But what I'm suggesting is that you fill one of his basic relationship needs (giving him attention)... and by that I mean talk about him. Ask questions about him. Not interrogation wise, but his interests. People interests change over time... err I guess unless you're like a POW, then you're interest is escaping and that won't change lol. And it might be hard for you to act interested in hearing him talk about something that you might not care about, but that's okay.

 

 

- if he is depressed, the outdoor activity things is a GREAT idea-- kudos.

 

 

- he might be overwhelmed. I know when I feel overwhelmed with life in general, and my wife says 'hey I wanna talk to you about something...' well my first that is exasperation. Like going to a meeting at worked that you don't have time for because you're already working overtime for your regular duties and you know that during this meeting you will be assigned additional workload. Not saying rebalance the chore list necessarily as much as be aware of when you're talking to him about doing more stuff than he's already doing and whether that's actually going to free up time or not.

 

 

I find that most of my life I have either been short on money or on time and the older I get the more that shortage leans to 'time'. So if there are ways that time can be freed up, that might be a small blessing?

[southernbelle1970]

Oh, NTV..............forgot about the attention part................yes, there are things he does that I am not necessarily interested in, but am going to make an effort to TRY and be interested. If it improves our relationship - and it probably will in multiple ways - then it will be well worth it.

 

This is GREAT - and thank you!!!

 

The 'overwhelmed' part is spot on................he actually mentioned this when we had our discussion this week. COMPLETELY overwhelmed with two teenagers and a very demanding job that also has a long commute. I tried to see things through his eyes.

 

YES, was THRILLED about him accepting my invitation to join me in some outside things................thrilled! Maybe it will be good for him in more ways than one.

 

I had not thought about the interruption thing, though..................and will. Just had not thought of that before. I can be that same way, so makes sense he would be, too.

 

Bottom line, maybe he has shut me down directly in that area, but if I can do some things that are indirect that filter over into that area and making him feel good about himself, then I am willing to be a giver and do that................we have too much invested to just give up. And I do love him. Shoot. i really thought the 180-thing was the way to go. I'm certain now I just made it worse ((

 

Thank you so much for these additional thoughts - all very good ones!!!