Can't do this anymore

[broken4ever]

I've been reading for quite some time, Just looking for some support.

Me, 55 years old, married 36 years, 4 kids, 5 grandchildren. Wife, 55, 2 affairs that I know of, both found out, not confessed, 1st one I know nothing about other than it was physical, 2nd one nearly 2 years long, with a friend, 3 to 4 times a week at his place, Unprotected, (I cant cum win a condom) WTF, put our entire family at risk. Spent the night with him on three occasions when I spent time alone with my kids on trips. Trickle truths, lies, and self preservation. When asked why, she said " you know what I'm attracted to, dark skin, dark hair, brown eyes , I am fair, blonde, blue eyed. I visited OM, who told me everything she would not, under threat of physical harm. at the time our children were all under 12, and I decided to stay for then. There was no way I was leaving them, my family was my life, ther would no step bull**** in they're lives. I just flicked a switch in my head telling myself I didn't care about me, or her, only God and my kids. I have horrible coping skills and fell into to much beer, too many cigarettes and self destructive behavior.

 

Here's my problem, DDay was 16 years ago. A few months ago I had an awakening, I was holding one of my grand babies, and realized that if I don't start caring about myself I am going to miss out on their lives. I still despise what she did, the utter disrespect for everything I had done to give her a great life, the fact that we are Christians, the B/S half truths and I can't remembers,

I have just started to see a therapist.

She wants marriage councelling, but I'm not sure I can do life with her anymore

 

Am I a pathetic jerk for still struggling with this? I don't think I can ever have any respect for her. I've never been able to get past it. But I still am dealing with the guilt of failure and what my kids will think of me if I even consider walking away from their mother. I'm stuck and hurting. Has anyone else felt this way?

[CarrieT]

55 years old is NOT too late to restart your [love] life. Many people do.

 

It is not wrong of you to have finally given up on your marriage when you know you have had a spouse who cheats.

 

To want that spark for yourself is understandable.

[TrustedthenBusted]

you waited until your kids were grown and ok. Good Man.

 

Now go enjoy the rest of your life.

[salparadise]

Am I a pathetic jerk for still struggling with this? I don't think I can ever have any respect for her. I've never been able to get past it. But I still am dealing with the guilt of failure and what my kids will think of me if I even consider walking away from their mother. I'm stuck and hurting. Has anyone else felt this way?

 

 

Nope. You're not a jerk for recognizing the toll it has taken on you. And you are right about understanding that you have to take care of you, both for you and the kids and grandkids. You've been living a big compromise that has been diminishing you a little more every day. How we rationalize it is complicated, but eventually you reach a tipping point and say to yourself, I want to live authentically and this half-life doesn't cut it.

 

I've been there, although it wasn't cheating. It was all the other stuff... lying, disrespect, lack of trust and real companionship, undermining the integrity of the relationship. I put up with it way too long. I finally divorced and even though it was difficult to go through, in hindsight I know it was the right thing. I now have a wonderful relationship and feel congruent within. That's a big deal.

 

I was your about age when I got divorced. Age doesn't matter, if anything it's even more important to make necessary changes so you don't waste anymore precious years. There are lots of genuine, attractive fifty-something women out there looking for an authentic man. Stick with the therapy. Focus on getting back to being your authentic self, and pursuing a life that's really worth living.

 

You will start feeling better the minute you commit to that and make the decision to do what's right for you. Your life matters. Don't sacrifice any more of it.

[lolablue17]

You're perfectly fine.

 

You have decided to give up your own feelings, honor, and ego, to give your kids the best "home" they can possibly have. Now they are adults, so your sacrifice period is over and you can start thinking of your self.

 

You're 55 - I can tell you for sure, if you're a single 55 YO man, you have a high a quite high value in the market. If your appearance is reasonable, and you're not a "player" your value is much higher.

 

This is time for a change. When she tries make you stay, you can say: "you know what I'm attracted to, women who don't cheat, women i can respect".

[dichotomy]

you waited until your kids were grown and ok. Good Man.

 

Now go enjoy the rest of your life.

 

 

I totally agree with this.

 

Why stay married? What are the benefits to you now that the kids are out?

[Lobe]

Am I a pathetic jerk for still struggling with this? I don't think I can ever have any respect for her. I've never been able to get past it. But I still am dealing with the guilt of failure and what my kids will think of me if I even consider walking away from their mother. I'm stuck and hurting. Has anyone else felt this way?

 

I think your first mistake was deciding to sweep it all under the rug when it happened and hope you'd just forget about it. I'm in R with WH and I think about the A pretty much every day, except I've got a therapist, MC, LS, and a library of books I've read trying to prevent myself from developing the same problem you've got now: resentment. Was your wife not remorseful all these years?

 

Provided you haven't already started online dating or found a revenge affair to embark upon (bad ideas!) I wouldn't say it's pathetic but since this is a delayed reaction my only suggestion would be to treat your situation as if you just found out.

 

1) you don't have to make a decision right now. You have every right to ask for time and space to sort your feelings out and your wife needs to respect and honour that.

2) get your wayward wife to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda McDonald and NOT just friends by Shirley Glass.

3) wait until after your IC before doing any MC, if you choose to try MC - you need to take care of you first

4) I'm not going to preach anti-smoking or anti-drinking but since you mentioned it, if those are still your primary coping mechanisms I suggest you talk to your dr or therapist about that and maybe get some help cutting back or quitting

 

It's not too late to start again but I'm not sure how you're going to feel when you leave - will you be proud of all the years you lasted or will you be bitter about all the years you wasted?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think your first mistake was deciding to sweep it all under the rug when it happened and hope you'd just forget about it. I'm in R with WH and I think about the A pretty much every day, except I've got a therapist, MC, LS, and a library of books I've read trying to prevent myself from developing the same problem you've got now: resentment. Was your wife not remorseful all these years?

 

As your last question indicates, only works if your WS participates.

 

It sounds like the OP was stone-walled and decided to gut out the subsequent years for his kids. A stronger man than I...

 

Mr. Lucky

[broken4ever]

First, I have never been unfaithful to my wife, i have no interest in women right now. The only 2 women I've ever loved have been cheaters. Hopefully my ic can help me get thru this. Secondly, I will never regret staying for my kids, they love and respect me for the sacrifices I made for them and they are all healthy outstanding people. And finally although my wife seemed remorseful, I was never sure why, I believe it has more to do with christian guilt than hurting me.

She treats me with utter contempt most of the time, controlling, shaming, blaming me for not working on our marriage. If I wouldn't have discovered, would it have ever ended? Has there been more? Who knows.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Broken, your story is a very sad one. Since you have decided to come to a forum like this one after sixteen years little can be done for the water that has already flowed the river. However, now that you have realized the enormity of your humiliation and disrespect inflicted on you by your wife, it is yet not too late to think of and for yourself. Please remember that even though your reasons for staying were really not sound, you did so and your children are now grown up with families and children of their own. There is nothing, NOTHING at all stopping you from walking out of your sham of a marriage and living the rest of your life for your self. Your wife is 55 years old as are you and quite frankly, she is probably not in the same class looks wise ad she was twenty or more years ago. She will be in more vulnerable position than you in being able to find a partner now to grow old with. However even if she is able to find someone she should not be your concern anymore. You have to think about your own welfare.

 

So what can you do? As some have suggested, get yourself to a good divorce lawyer and clear your mind as to what your options are and what are the financial and other implications of divorcing your wife. Does your wife work? If so your monthly payouts to her for maintenance/ alimony may not be very high. However irrespective of the financial cost, you have to get out of this toxic relationship which is literally sapping the life out of you. As others have said before on so many different occasions, the best revenge is to live well and find yourself another partner who truly loves you for who and what you are. The bottom line here is that you have to harden yourself and think only of and for yourself now. For too long you have thought about others whether your children, your wife( who certainly didn't deserve the consideration you extended her) and maybe your extended family and friends whom you did not want to upset for whatever reason. Charity begins at home and if you don't love yourself how can you live anyone else?

 

I know you have a difficult path ahead of you but when all is said and done you will have shed the burden of the baggage you have carried on behalf of your wife and the sudden relief that that fact alone will provide will give you an oxygen boost that will lift your spirits sky high. All the very best wishes to you as you move forward confidently to reclaim your life. Cheers!

[Wade Lamare]

First, I have never been unfaithful to my wife, i have no interest in women right now. The only 2 women I've ever loved have been cheaters. Hopefully my ic can help me get thru this. Secondly, I will never regret staying for my kids, they love and respect me for the sacrifices I made for them and they are all healthy outstanding people. And finally although my wife seemed remorseful, I was never sure why, I believe it has more to do with christian guilt than hurting me.

She treats me with utter contempt most of the time, controlling, shaming, blaming me for not working on our marriage. If I wouldn't have discovered, would it have ever ended? Has there been more? Who knows.

 

*Scratches head* Well why didn't you shut that shet down?

 

Sounds to me as though she either literally doesn't respect you and you've only found the tip of the iceberg or she is playing the "It's his fault that I'm a slapper, therefore the more I vilify and shame him the more it's his fault"

[smackie9]

Your kids are adults, they know they would have never put up with infidelity in their own relationships.....I bet money on it they had wish you left her years ago. They are not stupid, they know how her behavior has cause the deterioration of your marriage and your emotional health. I suspect they were afraid of you to even say anything.

 

Release yourself from this guilt, and pain you have been carrying around with you, leave her and get a divorce. Your children will be supportive and will be understanding. As for God.....why would God want a person to suffer so badly that it ruins any hope for happiness just to keep a marriage intact. God helps those who help themselves....help yourself to get out of this miserable marriage.....no one, not even she is happy. By staying, what does that teach your children or your grandchildren? That's infidelity is no excuse to end a marriage? That they should accept and forgive even tho their spouse keeps cheating?

 

Like I have told others, if I had a dime for every kid that told me that they would have been happier if their parents had just separated, I would be a millionaire.

[road]

Can't do it anymore?

 

 

Then stop doing it.

 

 

Now what is it that you want to do?

 

 

You want to divorce that is fine. You want to recover the marriage that is fine as well. We can not decide which road for you to take. At this point either decision is equal. So pick your road and we will help you on your journey.

[Friskyone4u]

Broken,

 

First, 55 is not ancient. But your comment about "have there been any more" is what concerns me, especially with the way you describe that she treats you. That would worry me. She has never owned any of it apparently, and that sense of entitlement makes me think there is a lot you do not know.

 

unfortunately, you are not going to find that out without a polygraph test because she is not going to tell you at this point unless you actually file for divorce.

 

By the way, probably 90% or more do not either confess or tell the entire truth when caught, so as soon as it became clear to her that you were not leaving because of the kids, she basically had gotten away with it with no consequences.

 

So she got away with it twice that you know of, and shows no real remorse even now. So what makes you think there have not been more men????

 

its a tough call, but without the total truth it makes it even tougher.

[drifter777]

Sixteen years?? That's nothing. It's been over 30 years for me and my contempt for my WW has never been deeper. I stayed for my family too and I am still trapped by it. We had to take custody of my grandson - now 7 years old - 3+ years ago and I am devoted to giving him the most secure, stable family life as possible. I cannot leave.

 

You are not in my position so there are no real family issues to hold you back. Your kids are grown and while they may still need your love and advice they do not need your daily parenting anymore. You can leave with a clear conscience - although I know the though of being on your own after all this time can be scary. You need to screw up all of your courage and push yourself to file for divorce, pack a bag and walk out the door. Not to go over my whole story here but at the very beginning I did this and was amazed at how quickly I began to detach from her. I kept absolute zero contact with her and two weeks later I was almost completely free when she begged me on her knees to come back. One more week and I would have been free and no longer vulnerable to her begging. Leave her and have absolutely no contact for a month and I guarantee that you will feel free from her. As your self-esteem is repaired you will be joyful that you finally ended the torture. Don't stay out of fear - you can do this.

[broken4ever]

I thought of the polygraph and even brought it up. But then I thought, who cares, what I already know is what got me here, so why torture myself with something new. The thought of being alone is very scary to me, I got married at 19, and have always found my value in who I was as a husband and father, which is why I think I got stuck in the first place. My value should come from Who I am as a person and son of God. If there were others, which I am sure of because she was so calm about lying that I never even thought anything was going on. She has been a stay at home mom and wife since day 1, so I'm sure she will struggle, so I think all I've been to her is security and safety. I wish now I wouldn't have put everything in her name, house business, bank accounts, could be complicated but could give a crap about any of that right now, I'm just so tired of being sad all the time.

[BetrayedH]

I thought of the polygraph and even brought it up. But then I thought, who cares, what I already know is what got me here, so why torture myself with something new. The thought of being alone is very scary to me, I got married at 19, and have always found my value in who I was as a husband and father, which is why I think I got stuck in the first place. My value should come from Who I am as a person and son of God. If there were others, which I am sure of because she was so calm about lying that I never even thought anything was going on. She has been a stay at home mom and wife since day 1, so I'm sure she will struggle, so I think all I've been to her is security and safety. I wish now I wouldn't have put everything in her name, house business, bank accounts, could be complicated but could give a crap about any of that right now, I'm just so tired of being sad all the time.

 

Yeah, I had all of my eggs in one basket, too. I'd spent nearly 20 years entirely focused on being a good husband and father. It went to sh*t. I didn't cause it, and couldn't erase it.

 

But the LAST stage of grief is acceptance. I don't think the "denial" phase is so much about denying that it has happened as much as it is denial about the IMPACT that infidelity has. We underestimate it and focus on trying to keep the family together. I did that for a while, too. But it is truly like a nuke dropped on the marriage. Eventually, I was able to accept that it was just plain ruined. You might need to do the same.

 

The other alternative is to drag your wife into marriage counseling and see if she's truly remorseful about what happened, or if you've just be played for a schmuck all of these years. If it's the former, I believe people can be forgiven, even for huge "mistakes." But she needs to earn every last bit of it that she can.

 

If she can't do that, I say eff that. Get the hell outta there. You still have life left. And it takes a couple years after divorce to kinda recover yourself (it took me two years) but it most certainly can happen.

 

Frankly, you can still be a great Dad without being married to their mother. If she's treating you like crap, it might be time. I'd either press the issue or leave outright. There is life after this crap.

[WilyWill]

You've put up with enough abuse and sacrificed enough. Tell your children what their mother did, and explain to them that you only stayed because of your love for them, and to make sure they got a good upbringing. While they'll be sad about a divorce, they will understand your position. You'll always be their father. Let your wife feel shame for the first time while you pursue happiness elsewhere.

Edited August 13, 2016 by WilyWill

[Jersey born raised]

Christian guilt and desire not to get exposed from your description is all she has. At best when you file she might have regret. Understand for decades she has worn you down and forced you to accept a sub-par marriage. You state she treats you with contemp. Does she has you back in public? Any regular displays of affection? Did you ever experience HB with her after the adultery? It's out there waiting for you. Amazing how many BS after remarrying say "IF ONLY I KNEW! "

 

Unless money is inherited and never co-mingied with family assets it does not get split. Also if a house is owned before marriage the purchase price is not split but the increase on value might. Talk to a lawyer without discussing it with her. Also have all documents with a propose settlement ready to file next day. Part of the process is you must state simply without graphic details or with a ton of anger and guilting her "during our marriage your mother has commented adultery with two separate men. One of whom was a close friend with me. I believe not only has she never made any real effort to show empathy for me, but has demeaned me when I attempted to bring it up. I find at this point in my wife there is no good reason to continue this marriage so I have decided to divorce.

 

Your WW with DARVO the hell out of you any everyone else. She will resort to lying and demeaning you in an attempt to justify her actions. Be prepared to react calmly. Say only she is rewriting our martial history.

 

Read this link to understand what is DARVO. What is DARVO?

[Jersey born raised]

Finally do not offer reconciliation. She must ask you. She must show by first learning basic concepts such as tigger and bring them up to you. If she does tell her nothing has changed in decades. Why now? If you want me to listen you need to do your homework, reflect on how we never healed and be prepared to discussed what you learned and how it applys to you.

 

I often advise men to tell their wife "Among other things I want a woman who makes me feel like you made the two OM felt !".

[S2B]

My adult kids respect me for respecting myself enough to end the disrespectful situation I was in.

 

My relationship with them is solid - I nurture those relationships.

 

Having a relationship with them is not dependent on being married to their Mom.

 

Do what's best for you - not out of fear.

 

You can have a great future if you make decisions that allow you that lifestyle.

 

 

How do you think you can get that if you stay married to her?

[oldshirt]

I don't want to get into any kind of theological debate, but I doubt if there is one single passage in the Bible that says a man should tolerate recalcitrant serial adultery, disrespect and maltreatment from his wife. In fact I have the feeling that those things were delt with quite a bit more harshly in biblical times.

 

For better or for worse, richer and poorer, sickness and in health etc etc refers to every day life things that come up over time like bills that come up unexpectedly, getting downsized at work, resisting common temptations, working through different opinions, not getting your panties in a wad over squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end or loading the toilet paper the wrong way.

 

I don't believe any major religion expects someone to simply put up with blatant, repeated, unremorseful adultery, blatant disrespect, chronic contempt and humiliation etc etc

 

Even the catholic church recognizes divorce on the grounds of adultery without prejudice, especially if it is repeated and without remorse or contrition.

 

Staying "for the children" is crap. If someone is being mistreated, exploited and disrespected, all that staying is doing for the children is teaching them to either be the abuser or the abused.

 

Children are harmed by living in environments of hostility, maltreatment, abuse, neglect and abandonment. They are not harmed by growing up with two loving, involved parents that happen to live in two separate homes.

 

The cultural emphasis on "till death do us part" has caused more pain and more suffering and more abuse and more mistreatment in interpersonal relationships that probably any other concept on earth.

 

In virtually every other contract, there is some kind of bail-out clause that releases the subjects from the terms of the contract if there is some kind of malfeasance and deliberate violation by the other player.

 

People martyr themselves and say, "I took vows!" Ok fine, but the other person took the same vows and when they knowingly and deliberately broke them, that released you from your obligation to remain with that person till death. When they cheat and they disrespect you and they stop honoring you and loving you and start mistreating you - they waive their right and their expectation to have you stay with them and you are free to walk.

 

Now some people will find it honorable and commendable to suck it up and stay "for the children." Offspring become legal adults and are free to pursue their own interests and take care of their own matters at 18.

 

Once offspring are adults, what is keeping you there? Who are you impressing by tolerating and accepting unacceptable behavior and mistreatment?

 

Fear of being alone or fear of what lays ahead?????? What could be worse than what you have already been through??

[Cephalopod]

He is not going to do anything.

[broken4ever]

Although I agree with the assessment that God did not require that I stay, and that she broke the covenant between us, this belief that staying for the kids is not good is what is crap. To have left my children to be with, and have to deal with her narcissism without a buffer and filter would have been shameless on my part. I was a very active and participating father. I spent loads of time with them, coaching their teams, weekend adventures, praying with them and singing them to sleep at night outside their doors. I made sure that all they saw between my wife and I was an amiable relationship. I do know that they knew that she did not treat me with respect or honor, but each of them because of that treat their spouses very well. All of my kids know about the affairs (no details). My youngest daughter is getting married next week, after the wedding I am going to present the separation which I know will not go well. I am hoping my IC ca give me some advice on how to handle the inevitable backlash.

[BluesPower]

I just read your post, and I had to tell you this:

 

Have to say buddy, that I did the same thing, I still hate myself for it 15 years later. She never really tried to "help me heal in any way". I just put my head down and raised my 3 kids alone for the most part.

 

She was drug addicted for 25 years, and just got sober 18 months ago. During this time I realized that I never got over her affair.

 

I wish I had left, years ago. But realize this, You can't go back no matter how much you want to.

 

You just have to decide what YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.

 

 

Hang in there...