Can't do this anymore

[bigman1]

I don't want to come off as harsh, so understand, this is not said in that spirit.

You have correctly identified the crossroad of your problem. It is you. Your identity as a father, provider, role model, etc. is holding you back. You are an individual with needs and feelings and value outside of those things and were so prior to becoming a father and now grandfather, etc. I really understand that concept. Still, it makes things hard, because how do you go from being those things to not being those things? The answer is, you just do.

 

First, stop thinking for people. Your kids will be shocked as would any child when the parents marriage ends. That is just a reality, unless the marriage was so crappy that the kids finally say, "its about time you guys ended it". In any event, you can't think for your kids or anyone else, they will be affected by your decision, but how they move forward, how they process the information, and where they ultimately end up is completely on them. They will be fine.

 

Secondly, stop thinking that you can predict the future. You thought that your kid's lives would have been messed up if you had divorced. Well, here is a newsflash for you, plenty of kids come from divorced homes and are fine. I mean they are well adjusted, both parents were involved in their lives, dad's coached them, etc., still that ship has sailed. My point is, you don't know what the future will hold for anyone, so don't be a slave to the dystopian future that you predict based on your beliefs. The future is not written.

 

Finally, do something different. Leap. I think you said that you were moving forward with separation. If so, congratulations. Having walked the path, your very soul has told you that it is not good for you. 56 is young. Re-entering the marketplace is scary. That is because you have been used to being married and a father and all of these other things. Still, you are not the first nor the last and you are definitely not that old. Indeed, you will see that is actually pretty good. Learn who you are, live for you-the principled you.

[BluesPower]

You know what broken, I just read all the advice and all your responses.

 

Dude, you need to get out now. I will guarantee that she never had any respect for you, ever, I have seen it, I have lived it.

 

Life is just too short to not be with a woman that respects you and loves you.

 

Also, it is almost 100% that she has had multiple affairs that you don't know about, and you are right, who cares. She will never tell you the truth. She just wants to berate and blame you for everything.

 

You know what, HER SERIAL CHEATING WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AND IT NEVER WILL BE YOUR FAULT. No matter if the sex with you was not great or if it was great. No matter if you were moody or not moody, all the affairs and her decisions to basically tell you to FU** off when you discoverer her affairs were her fault. You are blameless in all of it.

 

Men and women that treat their spouse the way you describe you wife, are despicable people.

 

Get a lawyer and start living your live, and don't be afraid. I assure you that you will not be alone for long.

[S2B]

If the kids are older now - then there's no reason to stay for the kids.

 

It's time to cut and run - while keeping the relationship with the kids intact... The relationship with the W has been over a long time.

[oldshirt]

Although I agree with the assessment that God did not require that I stay, and that she broke the covenant between us, this belief that staying for the kids is not good is what is crap. To have left my children to be with, and have to deal with her narcissism without a buffer and filter would have been shameless on my part. I was a very active and participating father. I spent loads of time with them, coaching their teams, weekend adventures, praying with them and singing them to sleep at night outside their doors. I made sure that all they saw between my wife and I was an amiable relationship. I do know that they knew that she did not treat me with respect or honor, but each of them because of that treat their spouses very well. All of my kids know about the affairs (no details). My youngest daughter is getting married next week, after the wedding I am going to present the separation which I know will not go well. I am hoping my IC ca give me some advice on how to handle the inevitable backlash.

 

I say this not for you but for any other man that may be out there that is going through the same thing -

 

We have this collective mindset in culture that says if a man divorces his cheating/abusive/addicted/schrewish wife, that he must abandon and neglect his children and that he will never see them and that they will grow up damaged and without direction or paternal guidance and support.

 

That is all poppycock.

 

There is no reason that you could not have continued to coach their teams, sit at the dining room table doing homework, gone fishing, played Barbies, taught them to ride bikes and all of the other 10000 things that fathers do, as a divorced man free of a cheating, schrewish exwife.

 

I am not saying what you did was wrong or that you shouldn't have done what you did - that was your choice as a man and a father. I am saying that the assumption that a divorced father is always an absentee father is 100% false.

 

Yes there are deadbeat dads out there who walk away and abandon their children and their children are negatively impacted by that. However that negative impact comes from the abandonment, not the divorce itself.

 

And the reason the deadbeats abandon the children is not because of divorce, but because they are crappy people who choose not to be in their children's lives.

 

A good man who loves his children and is dedicated to supporting them and being there for them and being involved in their lives, will do so even in the face of divorce and will continue to be a positive force in their lives. Divorce does not negate that.

[oldshirt]

and another mentality that people who have endured decades of maltreatment have is that when they do cut the cord and divorce their tormentors once the kids are adults is that they have this overwhelming fear that their adult children will be shocked and horrified and devastated and will judge them harshly.

 

The reality is that 9 times out of 10, the adult children tell them that it is about time and that they should've done years and years and years ago.

 

that remaining 1/10th of the adult children roll their eyes wondering if Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners are going to drama filled but they otherwise don't really care because they have their own lives and their own issues to deal with.

 

Most adult children are fully aware of the abuse that the parent endured and are glad that they are finally standing up for themselves and moving forward with their own lives.

 

You are going to be OK. Your kids are not going to judge you negatively and they are going to be glad that you are moving on with your own life and getting out from under the maltreatment of this person.

 

Yes a part of them will be somewhat sad that the false reality you tried so hard to portray to the world wasn't real and they will wonder how this will impact their Thanksgiving and Christmas travels, but they will not be harmed and they will not think negatively of you.

 

They are or will be soon aware of the sacrifice that you made to be there for them and they will appreciate it. But they will also state that they suffered there with you and that it was a sacrifice that they did not ask you to make.

 

I am going to bet the farm that they will understand completely and will be completely supportive and understanding of you divorcing their mother and they will not judge you negatively in the slightest.

 

If anything, they will say that you should've done it a long time ago.

[oldshirt]

I am going to present the separation which I know will not go well. I am hoping my IC ca give me some advice on how to handle the inevitable backlash.

 

The backlash is in your own mind (in terms of the adult children). I'm putting my money on them patting you on the back and saying, "it's about time."

 

The advice your IC can give you is what to do if they decide to throw a party for you.

 

You STBX may have some choice words for you when she gets the papers, but f#(k her. She's chewed you out for everything else you've done anyway so why should this be any different.

 

...... or she may breathe a sign of relief as well. for all we know she may even pat you on the back and say '..about time' as well.

 

You're doing the right thing for you and it's going to be OK. You've fulfilled your role and gone above and beyond the call of duty as a dutiful man, husband and father. It's time to pull your hand out of the fire and get away from the person who has caused you the most pain and anguish and start living the rest of your life for you.

[doyathinkso]

broken4ever, do you realize what a bad example you have given your kids through the years of what a happy marriage is supposed to be?

 

I hope they are not in dysfunctional marriages in the future from your skewed example.

 

It's not too late to show them what should have been done so very long ago.

[oldshirt]

...and please please please, from the bottom of your soul, tell your adult children not to tolerate what you have endured. Tell them that if anyone mistreats them, disrespects them, treats them with disregard, cheats on them etc etc to show them their taillights fading over the horizon.

 

Break this cycle of mistreatment and don't let it become multi-generational.

 

"work on the marriage and work through issues.." is sage advice when both parties are acting in good faith, have mutual respect and compassion for each and both want to work through an issue for the end-goal of mutual harmony.

 

When one person is exploiting, abusing, mistreating and/or manipulating the other, it's time to take your ball and leave.

 

If kids are involved, people can still be a loving, supportive, involved and positive parent in a different house.

[broken4ever]

Please here me, I really don't care about your thoughts on what I have done in the past. I made my decissions in good faith. I have 2 siblings that went thru divorce with young children and they all had trust and insecurity issues that none of my children have. What I am looking for is support, not judgement. I am hoping to hear from some peers that can tell me it's going to be okay. I am not some dolt, I am educated, hard working, caring person who is just a little freaked out about such a major , major life change.

[oldshirt]

Please here me, I really don't care about your thoughts on what I have done in the past. I made my decissions in good faith. I have 2 siblings that went thru divorce with young children and they all had trust and insecurity issues that none of my children have. What I am looking for is support, not judgement. I am hoping to hear from some peers that can tell me it's going to be okay. I am not some dolt, I am educated, hard working, caring person who is just a little freaked out about such a major , major life change.

 

Very understandable. Yes it's a big decision and a big change. But we are all saying that you will be OK.

 

It's not that I and some of the other posters are judging you on what you did in the past.

 

It's that we are saying even if you had left back then, it would have been OK then and that you will REALLY be OK now and that it is really the right thing to do now.

 

Being freaked out about it is understandable - but don't let it stop you.

[road]

Please here me, I really don't care about your thoughts on what I have done in the past. I made my decissions in good faith. I have 2 siblings that went thru divorce with young children and they all had trust and insecurity issues that none of my children have. What I am looking for is support, not judgement. I am hoping to hear from some peers that can tell me it's going to be okay. I am not some dolt, I am educated, hard working, caring person who is just a little freaked out about such a major , major life change.

 

 

Many a BH has used their kids as motivation to keep their marriage going.

 

 

However instead of recovering your marriage you and your WW just swept her affair under the rug. That was not a healthy thing to do. You were wounded yet your wounds never got cleaned so they never healed.

 

 

I would start with a MC and then see what happens and go from there.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, get a consult from an attorney but the likelihood is that it doesn't matter whose name is on what when it comes to the financials. With this lengthy of a marriage, all of the assets are likely "marital" and so are the debts. Unless you (or she) has something that was from before the marriage and hasn't been co-mingled, it's all gonna get split 50/50.

 

If both people are employable, the biggest financial difficulty is usually in paying the attorneys. The more time you take to argue over who gets the dog, the more they make. In my case, we each had an attorney and then we each paid half the cost for a third for the duration of a mediation day. It took 10 hours but we signed an agreement by the end of the day and were divorced about two weeks later. Took us about 9 months to get to that day.

 

Otherwise, your standard of living takes a hit because your two incomes are now supporting two households, instead of one. It can suck but you eventually find stability and it's worth it to begin a new life. Eventually, it's actually quite liberating.

[BluesPower]

Broken, I don't thin that shirt was trying to be critical about your choices.

 

Like I said, I have done exactly the same thing as you have done. I do realize now that I could have left earlier, and I still could have taken care of my family. It was not the decision that I made and I can't go back and neither can you.

 

I have led a miserable life "doing the honorable thing", I did not resent my children, but I resent my wife. As I sit here posting this to you and LS, I am sad.

 

Why do people like us think that we are the ones that have to save the world? Why do we think we have to do the "Honorable" thing and sacrifice our happiness for everyone else?

 

Frankly, between you and me, I think that something is wrong with us. I am not sure what it is, but it is something.

 

What shirt and I are saying is this: I am 52 and you are 55. Our lives are not over, there is an entire world of beautiful woman out that that want to be with a man like you. Someone that will respect and love you and treat you the way you should have always been treated.

 

Broken, when you caught your wife in her second affair that you know of, she did not sound remorseful to me. I think she kind of told you to kiss her a**. You did not find out anything until you threatened the OM. You really do see how ******* that is of her, right.

 

I don't know if she ever tried to help you heal from her second affair, I am guessing that she did not and you just swept it under the rug. You put your head down and just moved forward. Then she continued to treat you like SH** while you provide for her. And, since you probably did not care anymore, I am 100% sure that she got better at hiding her affairs and probably had several more over the course of your marriage. Maybe not, but in all probability she did.

 

What I am hoping to get across to you is that the fears of being alone, all the financial stuff, what people will think, and everything else, that stuff really does not matter.

 

Broken, you deserve to be happy, and you cannot do that with your wife. It is time to think of yourself, as hard as it is, get a divorce and move on to some type of happy life.

 

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[merrmeade]

I've been reading for quite some time, Just looking for some support.

Me, 55 years old, married 36 years, 4 kids, 5 grandchildren. Wife, 55, 2 affairs that I know of, both found out, not confessed, 1st one I know nothing about other than it was physical, 2nd one nearly 2 years long, with a friend, 3 to 4 times a week at his place, Unprotected, (I cant cum win a condom) WTF, put our entire family at risk. Spent the night with him on three occasions when I spent time alone with my kids on trips. Trickle truths, lies, and self preservation. When asked why, she said " you know what I'm attracted to, dark skin, dark hair, brown eyes , I am fair, blonde, blue eyed. I visited OM, who told me everything she would not, under threat of physical harm. at the time our children were all under 12, and I decided to stay for then. There was no way I was leaving them, my family was my life, ther would no step bull**** in they're lives. I just flicked a switch in my head telling myself I didn't care about me, or her, only God and my kids. I have horrible coping skills and fell into to much beer, too many cigarettes and self destructive behavior.

 

Here's my problem, DDay was 16 years ago. A few months ago I had an awakening, I was holding one of my grand babies, and realized that if I don't start caring about myself I am going to miss out on their lives. I still despise what she did, the utter disrespect for everything I had done to give her a great life, the fact that we are Christians, the B/S half truths and I can't remembers,

I have just started to see a therapist.

She wants marriage councelling, but I'm not sure I can do life with her anymore

 

Am I a pathetic jerk for still struggling with this? I don't think I can ever have any respect for her. I've never been able to get past it. But I still am dealing with the guilt of failure and what my kids will think of me if I even consider walking away from their mother. I'm stuck and hurting. Has anyone else felt this way?

No, you are not a pathetic jerk.

And, yes, I have felt this way.

 

I got cheated on several times in our 40+ year marriage and only just found out about it 4 years ago and still gaining insight every single day. And, like you, the more I realize, the more disdain and contempt I feel - for what he did and how he handled it. But for the person he is now, I am slowly gaining respect and tenderness again. I have days when I realize something I didn't see before - especially how f-king easy it seems to have been for him to do it, leave it, do it again - but, I tell you, the one thing that helps me is to - every single time - turn to him, wake him the hell up, or whatever I have to do to make sure he goes through every agonizing second of my 'new' realization. It makes a huge difference. He has to hear it. I have to see that he 'gets' every searing blow of it.

 

Then I'm okay after a while. Again. I figured out what I needed from individual counseling and then was able to take over for myself. Just saying - don't feel pressured by everybody here gathering around you in an ever-closer circle, shouting "Jump, jump, jump!" You just started questioning after so many years of rug-sweeping. It doesn't mean there's only one way to deal with it (get out). No, hell, you've waited 16 years; you can wait a few more months to figure out what exactly you need to do. Just ignore whoever pushes you the wrong way and take the posts that show you new possibilities to heart. Go at your own pace.

[Buckeye2]

I was a very active and participating father. I spent loads of time with them, coaching their teams, weekend adventures, praying with them and singing them to sleep at night outside their doors. I made sure that all they saw between my wife and I was an amiable relationship.

 

My youngest daughter is getting married next week, after the wedding I am going to present the separation which I know will not go well. I am hoping my IC ca give me some advice on how to handle the inevitable backlash.

 

You had a very successful career. Now is the time for a retirement celebration, a gold watch and to start living for you.

[merrmeade]

But all that said, there is not a day goes by I do not see myself, breathing deeply of peace and relief, as I look out over the balcony of the apartment I rent alone. (which is not the case btw)

[Mr Blunt]

By Broken4Ever

“…if I don't start caring about myself I am going to miss out on their lives”

 

Your internet name of Broken4ever is a very powerful statement as to what you should do and now you plan on doing it. Your current life with your wife has made you constantly sad and broken. Congratulations on making the decision to separate and to start caring about yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

By Broken4Ever

I will never regret staying for my kids, they love and respect me for the sacrifices I made for them and they are all healthy outstanding people.

I was a very active and participating father. I spent loads of time with them, coaching their teams, weekend adventures, praying with them and singing them to sleep at night outside their doors.

 

Your many years of proving that you love your children with your actions will never be forgotten by your children. Nothing sets a cement bond like the first 12 years of the child’s life, and then the next years are more bond building events. You B4E, have cemented your children’s love for you! There may still be a few rough times ahead but your bond with them are solid as a rock! In fact the older they get the more they will realize the love you have for them. I am not speaking to you from theory but from even more years of experience than you have.

 

 

 

 

 

By Broken4Ever

My value should come from who I am as a person and son of God

.

 

Yes B4E you are right! To add to that value you have been a great father and did not go for the justice of an eye for an eye method. You remained faithful even though you could have divorced and replaced your wife with another woman.

 

Although it maybe that you will have a bit of a rough time in the first few months of separation, after that your sadness will be much relieved. You will be able to realize more that you suffered for your children, your children love you, and that you sacrificed for others and that so pleased God.

[broken4ever]

Why do people like us think that we are the ones that have to save the world? Why do we think we have to do the "Honorable" thing and sacrifice our happiness for everyone else?

 

Right you are, I think I was raised to believe that Dads are always there. That I am supposed to be strong no matter what. There to protect and provide at any cost. WW is always hitting me with its my fault now. If I were a real Christian that I would be able to forgive. Personally I believe I have forgiven, but that is different than trying to live with the effects of her actions and words. As far as I am concerned, she ended our marriage the moment she offered herself to someone else. I am gaining a considerable amount of courage and confidence just through communicating these things. Thank you all for your posts

[Cephalopod]

Tell her you can forgive her and still divorce her.

 

When God forgives he forgives the sin, but that does not mean that the corporeal penalties for that sin are expunged.

 

If I murder a person, and I go before God and that person's loved ones and beg forgiveness, and they forgive me, then I am forgiven and my soul is cleared of that charge. It does not mean I am exonerated in the worldy sense of of the crime itself. I still have to spend time in prison or even lose my life on the execution table, if that is what the law demands. In the same way, your wife will have to suffer worldly penalties: divorce, losing full-time with her kids, losing the respect of her children and loved ones, losing the trust of you and others who trusted her, monetary loss due to you not being present, and the decimation of her reputation.

 

Also, you are not required by God or the Bible to forgive her unless she comes to you with true contriteness and begs for forgiveness. I haven't seen that. She has barely even apologized to you from what I understand. Telling you to get over it and move on is not true repentance or contriteness. It is an invalid apology.

 

You are not penalized by God for not forgiving, because she has not asked for it. If she does, and the request is sincere and contrite, then you must forgive her under Biblical mandate. However, what you have done is unilaterally forgive her without her apologizing, as Jesus did with the Roman soldiers and all the people who crucified him, but that is a forgiveness you granted for your sake, not hers. There is nothing at all wrong with that, but understand that it does not let her off the hook.

 

Your wife has no Biblical understanding of what forgiveness is or what it entails and she needs to be set straight. She sees it as a Get Out of Jail Free card, and that is absolutely not what it is. You have no obligation to stay married to her even if you have forgiven her.

 

Also, if she is such a high and mighty Christian, you also need to show her Corinthians Chapter 5. Have her read it four or five times. In actuality, she is to go before the church and confess publicly her sin before the congregation. Has she done that? Has she apologized and asked forgiveness from the OM's wife? No, I imagine she has not.

 

So the next time she accuses you of not being Christian-like, take her through what I just told you.

[zuzuspetals]

Hello Broken. My heart breaks for you, reading this story. You are a courageous hero as I see it. Bravo for the selfless sacrifice of keeping your family intact for the benefit of your children. I’ve experienced the same betrayal so I think I can weigh in on this. If you are a Christian, I’m sure you know what Jesus had to say about divorce and infidelity. Frankly, you’ve got Biblical grounds to move on with your life as an individual and even to explain your reasons to your family members. I think there’s something to be said for trusting God to guide you through those tough moments towards a new life, especially if you are in anguish now. I also know that if you decide to hang in there with your wife, as long and daunting as that process can be, God will also guide and direct you though that if you place your trust in His hands. Are you better when you are with her, or when you are without her? Are you closer to God when you’re together, or when you’re apart? Knowing that forgiveness (not necessarily “trust”) is really not an option for Christians, do you think you could better forgive her if you are together, or apart? You say that she was neither repentant nor forthcoming with information about her affairs. Do you have reason to believe that she would participate in healing now? No matter what we go through, Jesus wants us to rely on His love to get us through times like these. It may be wise to utilize a Christian counselor if you know a good one. An experienced third party who is a Christian professional can often create clear sight. Remember, God works ALL things (not just some things) to good for those who love Him and keep His precepts! I prayed for you before I wrote this, and will continue on your behalf. Blessings!

[merrmeade]

If I were a real Christian that I would be able to forgive. Personally I believe I have forgiven, but that is different than trying to live with the effects of her actions and words.

 

As far as I am concerned, she ended our marriage the moment she offered herself to someone else. I am gaining a considerable amount of courage and confidence just through communicating these things. Thank you all for your posts

That first part in bold was the expectation I got from OW and even members of my own family. Fortunately I'm not Christian, so I don't have to prove anything. But I do know all the stories and personally prefer to believe that the instructions to turn the other cheek was an enlightened being's way of teaching detachment - not abject servility.

 

OW in my case was my sister-in-law who assumed that by writing me a three-line note acknowledging the affair and asking me to "please forgive" her was all that was needed. Thereafter, she assumed she WAS forgiven and began inviting me to stay with her (my brother was in a nursing home and subsequently died - yes, a long, sordid story) for family funerals, etc. That's when I realized, I could come fairly close to a semblance of truce with my H but have no obligation to pretend anything with her.

 

Not being able to forgive or forget feels like this—what you've been doing and several of us. It's indigestion from eating one too many sh-t sandwiches.

Edited August 16, 2016 by merrmeade

[broken4ever]

"Fortunately I'm not a Christian".............?

 

I will tell you, that not once have I shaken my fist at God for any of this. The issue isn't trying to prove something, but in my case balancing dying to oneself and letting yourself be run over like a fool. Which may sound easy, but in my case very confusing. I am praying that God helps me thru this time, and let's me walk thru to the other side while I still have time to find true peace in my life. It's been a long time.

[S2B]

"Fortunately I'm not a Christian".............?

 

I will tell you, that not once have I shaken my fist at God for any of this. The issue isn't trying to prove something, but in my case balancing dying to oneself and letting yourself be run over like a fool. Which may sound easy, but in my case very confusing. I am praying that God helps me thru this time, and let's me walk thru to the other side while I still have time to find true peace in my life. It's been a long time.

 

What you're describing is courage! Good for you! You will get to the other side!

 

Taking back one's self respect is awesome! I'm proud of you!

[Mr Blunt]

By Cephalopod

Tell her you can forgive her and still divorce her.

Exactly!

 

 

 

When God forgives he forgives the sin, but that does not mean that the corporeal penalties for that sin are expunged.

Exactly!

 

 

 

 

By Cephalopod

Also, you are not required by God or the Bible to forgive her unless she comes to you with true contriteness and begs for forgiveness…….. You are not penalized by God for not forgiving, because she has not asked for it. If she does, and the request is sincere and contrite, then you must forgive her under Biblical mandate

Well not exactly. Matthew 6 pretty much tells you to forgive or you will not be forgiven.

 

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

By Cephalopod

Your wife has no Biblical understanding of what forgiveness is or what it entails and she needs to be set straight. She sees it as a Get Out of Jail Free card, and that is absolutely not what it is.

Exactly!

 

 

 

 

Matthew 18

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

The above scriptures tells me that if a person sins against you and will not listen then you are to have no association with them. A tax collector in the days of the New Testament was about the lowest undesirable person in the country. God does not want you to be around someone that brings you down and will not listen to God's ways.

[merrmeade]

"Fortunately I'm not a Christian".............?

 

I will tell you, that not once have I shaken my fist at God for any of this. The issue isn't trying to prove something, but in my case balancing dying to oneself and letting yourself be run over like a fool. Which may sound easy, but in my case very confusing. I am praying that God helps me thru this time, and let's me walk thru to the other side while I still have time to find true peace in my life. It's been a long time.

As are we all (still praying)...

 

Not sure who's shaking a fist at God or why that was a thought. Religious preference is no indication of a spiritual life, but certainly having a strong spiritual life may provide the only thread of sanity, strength and clarity that a bs can hold on to after infidelity. For me, it was.

 

Religious preference was only relevant to the topic of forgiveness, other people's attitude toward forgiveness and/or expectation that a BS must forgive.

 

Wishing you sanity, strength and clarity - and faith. If your faith is not shaken - as you seem to imply - then you will not be ... broken 4 ever.