Can't do this anymore

[broken4ever]

Marriages can not recover when the spouses separate.QUOTE]

 

 

Pretty blanket assumption,

 

 

As I try to get healthy again, spiritually, mentally, and physically. It will be necessary for me to be apart from her. She is not the type of person who will give space or latitude for healing. And so far, I am the type of person who gives in to her narcissism. I do not have the strength right now to fight for anything but my health. However long that takes, I will do it. I will no longer accept being treated with disrespect and dishonor. If she cannot figure out how to set filters and boundaries in her life then she will not be married to me.

[Lobe]

Marriages can not recover when the spouses separate.QUOTE]

 

 

Pretty blanket assumption,

 

 

As I try to get healthy again, spiritually, mentally, and physically. It will be necessary for me to be apart from her. She is not the type of person who will give space or latitude for healing. And so far, I am the type of person who gives in to her narcissism. I do not have the strength right now to fight for anything but my health. However long that takes, I will do it. I will no longer accept being treated with disrespect and dishonor. If she cannot figure out how to set filters and boundaries in her life then she will not be married to me.

 

And if she decides she is truly remorseful and hopeful that there is an R coming, she will wait until you are ready. If not, then you already have yourself set on the right path. You do what you need to do. Come here if you need a sounding board. Or kick in the pants.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Marriages can not recover when the spouses separate.QUOTE]

 

 

Pretty blanket assumption,

 

 

As I try to get healthy again, spiritually, mentally, and physically. It will be necessary for me to be apart from her. She is not the type of person who will give space or latitude for healing. And so far, I am the type of person who gives in to her narcissism. I do not have the strength right now to fight for anything but my health. However long that takes, I will do it. I will no longer accept being treated with disrespect and dishonor. If she cannot figure out how to set filters and boundaries in her life then she will not be married to me.

 

Make sure that you set down boundaries for separation. I think sometimes separation is indeed the right thing to do....however...you need to make sure she understands your expectations and guidelines. Are you ok with both of you dating? Are you ok with having sex with other people?

 

If you separate and don't set the guidelines...it will be too late for a recall.

[broken4ever]

Hell no I'm not ok with sex with other people, but I am setting no guidelines for her, if she meets mister tall dark and handsome, so be it. I am currently not interested in in any relationships with anyone. My sole purpose,,,,, get well. Oops, I take that back, if doesn't go to ic, no go.

[drifter777]

Hell no I'm not ok with sex with other people, but I am setting no guidelines for her, if she meets mister tall dark and handsome, so be it. I am currently not interested in in any relationships with anyone. My sole purpose,,,,, get well. Oops, I take that back, if doesn't go to ic, no go.

 

If, after much careful thought, you decide to give reconciliation a try, the fact that she dated or boffed some other guy while you were separated will destroy everything. If you truly don't care what she does in the dating/sex department while you are apart then tell her exactly that so there will be no misunderstanding later on.

[road]

Hell no I'm not ok with sex with other people, but I am setting no guidelines for her, if she meets mister tall dark and handsome, so be it. I am currently not interested in in any relationships with anyone. My sole purpose,,,,, get well. Oops, I take that back, if doesn't go to ic, no go.

 

 

So if your WW dates while separated it will not stop you from deciding to recover your marriage?

[broken4ever]

If she sees, dates or has sex with anyone, deal breaker, no way I'm putting up with any of that. If she is not chaste while separated, I'm done. To be perfectly honest, I may already be done. I am feeling better just thinking of being without her. Looking forward to finding some peace in my life. Kids know what is coming, very supportive although a little freaked by the actuality of the whole thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If she sees, dates or has sex with anyone, deal breaker, no way I'm putting up with any of that. If she is not chaste while separated, I'm done. To be perfectly honest, I may already be done. I am feeling better just thinking of being without her. Looking forward to finding some peace in my life. Kids know what is coming, very supportive although a little freaked by the actuality of the whole thing.

 

HUGE MISTAKE

 

No chance for reconciliation...see a lawyer and proceed with the divorce

 

Sorry

 

These boundaries must be set for the both of you...if not...you are living not only independent of each other for healing...you are living separate lives and anything goes.

 

It will not work.....period.

[broken4ever]

I don't understand your comment, if what boundaries aren't for both. We are still married, does that not mean anything anymore. Even if I were divorced I would never have sexual relations again unless I was married. Is this such a foreign concept? Does no one have any morals anymore? There is more to love than sex. Compassion, intimacy, touch, companionship, sex is just the desert after a well balanced meal. That's the bit WW never got. Life is passion, respect is passion, even trials are passion, there's more to us than being naked.

[road]

HUGE MISTAKE

 

No chance for reconciliation...see a lawyer and proceed with the divorce

 

Sorry

 

These boundaries must be set for the both of you...if not...you are living not only independent of each other for healing...you are living separate lives and anything goes.

 

It will not work.....period.

 

 

 

 

broken4 ever, do you know how much it pains me to agree with her?

 

 

But you leave me no choice. All those years ago you did not want to do the right work to recover your marriage and years later you have not changed.

[broken4ever]

Agree with her about what, you haven't heard a word from her. Are you sick? I might be alone but matrimony means monogamy to me, no exceptions, no exclusions. There is zero excuse for cheaters, after being on this site for a while, I despise the mind of a cheater, they're stories are all b/s. You cheat, you suck. Period

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agree with her about what, you haven't heard a word from her. Are you sick? I might be alone but matrimony means monogamy to me, no exceptions, no exclusions. There is zero excuse for cheaters, after being on this site for a while, I despise the mind of a cheater, they're stories are all b/s. You cheat, you suck. Period

 

he was talking about agreeing with me not your wife...Road and i go back a long way...I am a FWW....and he doesn't like to agree with me....but he knows in this case i am right.

 

and I would like to tell you...if you are here for confrontation...game on

 

If you are here for help...game on

 

if you are here to incite...game over.... Broken

 

where have we heard all this before???

[Cephalopod]

Broken I'm not belittling the pain you are in, but you have a lot of misdirected anger coming out of you. We know the painful place it is coming from, but you are directing it at the wrong people. We're just trying to help. Just because you are a devout Christian doesn't mean you are morally superior to us. None of us are perfect and we aren't always going to agree with you. just because we don't abide by dogma doesn't mean we are all wrong.

 

This is not a Christian or religiously based website and we aren't always going to give you advice that fits perfectly in your box. So stop tearing people's heads off.

[elaine567]

Kids know what is coming, very supportive although a little freaked by the actuality of the whole thing.

 

YOU broke all this news to your kids in the days before your daughter is due to get married?????

[LifesontheUp]

Sometimes there comes a point in life when you realise that what you had has gone it was torn apart.and its finally time to do for yourself and move.

 

Its sounds like this is your time. Your still young and there is no reason why you cant

[BluesPower]

Everyone is on your side, maybe me most of all. If you choose to stay chaste because of your beliefs we all understand.

 

I felt that way for a long time. I am not as strong as you and I have shaken my fist at God for a while now. For years I was on my knees praying for my wife. Prayed for her to get better, preyed for the strength to carry on, and maybe I had the strength to carry on, but that was never enough.

 

I realized that I sacrificed so much for so many people, and at 52 I am just starting to realize how unhappy I have been.

 

You too are just starting to realize how unhappy you are, and I absolutely understand.

 

What I think people are saying to you is this: If you are separating and thinking of some possible reconciliation, and you are assuming that your wife won't see other people, you may be in for a big surprise.

 

It is a better idea maybe to set her down and explain that this is not a free pass to cheat again. You need to let her know how you feel so there is no question, when she cheats again, that this is the final end.

 

Think about that, it may save you more pain, and it may not, who knows.

 

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mrs. JA. While what you are saying is true from the perspective that you are coming from, Broken is right in his expectations of his wife when they are seperated. The fact is that they are still husband and wife. They are still married. Separation does NOT give his wife a hall pass to copulate with whoever she wants. If that be the case then whenever a husband travels for work and is gone for a couple of weeks his wife can take a lover because they are seperated!

Of course OP has a higher set of standards than others when he says he will not have sex even if he is divorced till he gets married again. Most people here and elsewhere would not subscribe to that particular position. However, he is correct in expecting his wife to remain celibate while they are seperated because they are married. Whether his wife will conform to his standards is something else and given her past proclivities to jump into bed with someone else even when he was at home with her, it seems she is likely to consider the seperation as a hall pass for her. This will only confirm the OP's decision to dump her and move on. As it is he says he is most likely done with her anyway.

OP, you have really delayed in taking decisive action to reclaim your life but it is never too late to do so. Remember unless you change things around, nothing will change. Also learn to love yourself more. Unless you do so you will not generate the degree of self respect that you need to face the world. In addition people will also not respect you unless you exude that self respect in your daily interactions with them. Warm wishes.

[broken4ever]

I apologize if it came off that way, I am not a finger pointer or a self appointed judge. I was merely speaking about whilst being seperated we are still married. I'm not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone, I am however a little hyper sensitve to promiscuous behavior right now. You don't really know me so you'll have to trust me that I don't hold any delusions of my superiority to anyone. In fact, I am a train wreck of a Christian, but I know that God has given me a gift in this opportunity to get right in my heart. I really thank you all got being here, I know I don't have to agree with every comment posted, and I will try to not be so sensitive, thank you all again.

[road]

Hi Mrs. JA. While what you are saying is true from the perspective that you are coming from, Broken is right in his expectations of his wife when they are seperated. The fact is that they are still husband and wife. They are still married. Separation does NOT give his wife a hall pass to copulate with whoever she wants. If that be the case then whenever a husband travels for work and is gone for a couple of weeks his wife can take a lover because they are seperated!

Of course OP has a higher set of standards than others when he says he will not have sex even if he is divorced till he gets married again. Most people here and elsewhere would not subscribe to that particular position. However, he is correct in expecting his wife to remain celibate while they are seperated because they are married. Whether his wife will conform to his standards is something else and given her past proclivities to jump into bed with someone else even when he was at home with her, it seems she is likely to consider the seperation as a hall pass for her. This will only confirm the OP's decision to dump her and move on. As it is he says he is most likely done with her anyway.

OP, you have really delayed in taking decisive action to reclaim your life but it is never too late to do so. Remember unless you change things around, nothing will change. Also learn to love yourself more. Unless you do so you will not generate the degree of self respect that you need to face the world. In addition people will also not respect you unless you exude that self respect in your daily interactions with them. Warm wishes.

 

 

 

 

In the court of law being separated and then dating others and having sex is not adultery.

 

 

When wanting to separate and not set rules in place, why that person wants the separation depends on whether they want to have a PA or wait for their spouse to have a PA so they can claim the moral high ground and file for divorce.

[broken4ever]

Sorry I meant to answer about telling my kids, I should have said that they know something is going to happen, we have had some discussions about my depression and drinking. They know that I have promised them that I will change and take steps to do so. I just told them to be patient until after the wedding because I didn't want to introduce any drama into the family dynamic right now. They don't know about the separation yet.

[road]

he was talking about agreeing with me not your wife...Road and i go back a long way...I am a FWW....and he doesn't like to agree with me....but he knows in this case i am right.

 

and I would like to tell you...if you are here for confrontation...game on

 

If you are here for help...game on

 

if you are here to incite...game over.... Broken

 

where have we heard all this before???

 

 

 

Oh the humanity, I feel so ill, I better get to the ER.

 

 

Finally she is starting to see the light and thinking right.

Edited August 20, 2016 by road

[Cephalopod]

You are a decent man OP. We are all on your side.

 

It is painful living with a shrew. Worse when she is a mean hearted, unrepentant shrew.

[Poutrew]

This is not a Christian or religiously based website and we aren't always going to give you advice that fits perfectly in your box. So stop tearing people's heads off.

 

Ummm... isn't that what they did in the 'good old days?' in the bible belt? Even as few as a hundred years ago, a husband could put away an unfaithful wife - by taking her out in the field and burying her in an unmarked grave. All he had to tell the neighbors is 'she deserted her family to live in sin...' and that would be that. She would never have been spoken about again, even if the neighbors actually helped bury the body. Of course, we live in far more civilized and enlightened times... far more: the proof is in just how unpopular and unused websites and discussion boards like this one are...

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Mrs. JA. While what you are saying is true from the perspective that you are coming from, Broken is right in his expectations of his wife when they are seperated. The fact is that they are still husband and wife. They are still married. Separation does NOT give his wife a hall pass to copulate with whoever she wants. If that be the case then whenever a husband travels for work and is gone for a couple of weeks his wife can take a lover because they are seperated!

Of course OP has a higher set of standards than others when he says he will not have sex even if he is divorced till he gets married again. Most people here and elsewhere would not subscribe to that particular position. However, he is correct in expecting his wife to remain celibate while they are seperated because they are married. Whether his wife will conform to his standards is something else and given her past proclivities to jump into bed with someone else even when he was at home with her, it seems she is likely to consider the seperation as a hall pass for her. This will only confirm the OP's decision to dump her and move on. As it is he says he is most likely done with her anyway.

OP, you have really delayed in taking decisive action to reclaim your life but it is never too late to do so. Remember unless you change things around, nothing will change. Also learn to love yourself more. Unless you do so you will not generate the degree of self respect that you need to face the world. In addition people will also not respect you unless you exude that self respect in your daily interactions with them. Warm wishes.

 

you make damn sure she understands the rules of the separation and agrees to them....you do not assume that there is no hanky panky...after all...she cheated didn't she? WHILE they were married???

 

I personally don't care what he does....We have all been down this road with him before.....

[Cephalopod]

Ummm... isn't that what they did in the 'good old days?' in the bible belt? Even as few as a hundred years ago, a husband could put away an unfaithful wife - by taking her out in the field and burying her in an unmarked grave. All he had to tell the neighbors is 'she deserted her family to live in sin...' and that would be that. She would never have been spoken about again, even if the neighbors actually helped bury the body. Of course, we live in far more civilized and enlightened times... far more: the proof is in just how unpopular and unused websites and discussion boards like this one are...

 

Quote me some recorded authority where this happened.