Can't do this anymore

[sandylee1]

I really don't know how you'd put up with the poor treatment and horrible comments from your wife over the years.

 

I suspect you feel she's way above you in the looks department and you feel lucky or you felt lucky to have her as your wife. That comment about imagining you're a woman is way below the belt. She doesn't respect you one single Bit.

 

Why do you think your wife won't sleep with other men when you seperate, considering she had no problem doing it when you were under the same roof?

 

I doubt she hasn't had more than the two affairs you know of. She has you for the financial security and the dark skinned men for her sexual needs. She's damn cheeky and I'm suprised you can bear to be intimate with her, given the level of disrespect she's dished out.

 

Why did you put everything in her name though?

[WomenWubber]

Is infidelity really a dealbreaker?

 

How come you're still married to her?

[oldshirt]

Separation only serves two purposes in a positive manner.

 

One is if something acute happens and the emotions are going through the roof and people need to go to their corners and take a little breather to let the dust settle before someone says or does something that causes irreparable harm.

 

The other is as a stepping stone to start adapting to single life as they transition towards divorce.

 

Separation really isn't an efficacious method of working out issues to fix a marriage or work out problems with the intent of staying together. If a couple is working on fixing a marriage, it is best to remain in the marital home together.

 

Separation is a step towards divorce and going your own way. It's very rarely a step towards working things out and staying together.

[BetrayedH]

Anytime there's a separation, it's simply wise to validate the purpose of the separation and the terms. Many, many people assume that a separation is a break from the marriage, for both of you. Others assume that a separation is an opportunity for absence to make the heart grow fonder. Assumptions are simply a poor practice. If you're going to separate, make your expectations clear.

 

One serious disadvantage to a separation is that you won't be around to have any clue if she's been faithful during the separation. One fairly consistent characteristic of waywards is an excessive need for external validation. If you separate, almost all of your wife's fears are going to come to fruition. If external validation is her coping mechanism of choice, she's going to be damn tempted to get some. She's already demonstrated a propensity to make you none the wiser. If you take this break and decide you're willing to work on the marriage, how will you KNOW if she's been faithful. Short answer...you won't.

 

If you have any desire to potentially reconcile, I (personally) believe you're going to have to "trust but verify." And you can't do that from a distance. And it takes her "consistent actions over time" to rebuild trust. Again, you won't see any of that from a distance.

 

Put succinctly, this strategy puts you at a pretty serious disadvantage.

 

I'm not saying not to separate. But keep thinking it through. Consider every possible outcome and how you would respond.

[oldshirt]

.....if you are serious about separating, I agree with the others that the terms, objectives and rules of the separation must be explicitly spelled out and discussed candidly.

 

I think it is terribly naive and irresponsible to assume that someone will remain chaste just because that is your moral standard.

 

As far as I am concerned, if someone were to tell me that they were dissatisfied with me and the marriage and that they wanted out of the house and had intentions of divorcing - to me that is declaring the marriage over and that it is just waiting for the courthouse to get the paperwork caught up.

 

If I was able to get a date by Sat night, I'd go for it.

 

If someone wants to separate, my assumption would be they wanted out of the marriage and all marital contracts and agreements would be null and void unless expressly noted otherwise.

 

I see this as a $h1t or get off the pot situation.

 

If you want to be happily married, remain in the marital home, get into MC and devote all energies into fixing the problems.

 

If you want out and want to live a life on your own without the other person, file for divorce, move out and drive on.

 

All separation will do is put yourself in some sort of purgatory with other layers of complexity and confusion and potential complications.

 

She wasn't faithful and wasn't nice to you while married and in the home, what makes you think she wouldn't be hooking up a date the moment you clear the driveway?

 

I suppose if you wanted to move out the house so you could park down the street to watch her go out on dates and bring people home so you can prove to yourself that it is over then I guess you can do that but it just seems like an added layer of work and torment to me.

[broken4ever]

Strange, aren't i, all of a sudden infidelity is a deal breaker? What about the last 36 years? It is a conundrum for sure. I should reiterate, the only reason I am separating is to get well, period. I have no, nor will demand any expectations as it pertains to our marriage during that time. I know my own heart only, if I do not get well, I will most probably die way to young, and the life I am currently living (if one would call it life at all) is not producing the fruit that I wish for my children or grandchildren. This separation is not about her, or marriage. I know this only, that to attempt to get well around her constant nagging and control and negativity would be impossible for me. Whether she stays chaste or not, I will have to trust God to protect me through it. If you don't know him that may seem odd , if you do know him you will know exactly what I mean.

[BetrayedH]

Strange, aren't i, all of a sudden infidelity is a deal breaker? What about the last 36 years? It is a conundrum for sure. I should reiterate, the only reason I am separating is to get well, period. I have no, nor will demand any expectations as it pertains to our marriage during that time. I know my own heart only, if I do not get well, I will most probably die way to young, and the life I am currently living (if one would call it life at all) is not producing the fruit that I wish for my children or grandchildren. This separation is not about her, or marriage. I know this only, that to attempt to get well around her constant nagging and control and negativity would be impossible for me. Whether she stays chaste or not, I will have to trust God to protect me through it. If you don't know him that may seem odd , if you do know him you will know exactly what I mean.

 

Fair enough. Perhaps I was not wise enough to try to heal on my own. I most certainly didn't heal while I was with her.

 

Time away may grant you some wisdom. Just be aware that it can also become problematic should you decide you want to reconcile. It may create another hurdle for you to overcome, when you have enough already.

 

Personally, I am glad to be away.

 

I lost 38 lbs during my "reconciliation." And I lost more sleep that you can calculate. I don't fault anyone that needs a break from that crap. It's crazy-making.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Broken, you know there is a saying which goes like this! ' God helps those who help themselves'. From what you have written in this last post and the trend of your writing in other posts it is apparent that you are not prepared to reclaim your life in a proactive and assertive manner. I can begin to see why your wife disrespects you so blatantly, although she is not right to do so. You are not displaying manly spine and by that I mean, you are NOT standing up for yourself. Being manly does not imply being macho or requiring chiselled , Vin Diesel looks and physique. It just means having courage in the face of adversity and not folding up like a pack of cards when difficult situations confront you.

You have been emphasising that you are a Christian but do you know that Christians have been some of the most courageous people in the past? People like Joan of Arc and a host of others have displayed courage in hopeless situations and have gone to their deaths with a calm demeanour. What I am saying is that you are NOT displaying the courage and manliness that a person who claims he is a Christian should display. Remember, salt which has lost it's saltiness is useless and cannot be called salt anymore. In the same way a man who has lost his manliness cannot be called a man anymore. Your wife probably discerned this in you and lost all respect for you a long time ago. Just think about it and then do something manly, something for yourself. Reclaim your life. Warm wishes.

Edited August 21, 2016 by Just a Guy

[broken4ever]

Okay, I'm going to take my own advice and not be too sensitive. I haven't described myself more than my pain, so I will.

I am 6'3, 215lb, Athletic build plus a little beer fat. Would not consider myself a looker, but average. I was raised with no conflict resolution skills in a very close, well adjusted home with 3 brothers and a sister. If you were to meet me you would know that I am fiercely protective of my children and my wife. I would lay down my life for them in an instant. (No horn blowing intended) couple me,,,caring, sensitive, willing to yield, with my way or no way, no filters, I will say or do whatever it takes to win, and you have a serious relational issue. I will admit, that I let her get away with way too much, way to often.

But I might, if I may, disagree with your assessment, I have always found that my above mentioned qualities were what made me a strong Christian, not a weak man. My downfall came when WW said the things she did and tore the foundation of everything I thought I was as a man, (not a Christian) from my life. Call it weak if you will, then so be it, I am weak, but I am after all just a man. Imagine if you will, the person you have loved and provided for and protected for years telling you, you are ugly, you are not what I want, what you have done is not good enough, so I chose someone else. Maybe you are a better man than I? Maybe a better christian? Then pray for me that I might be more like you, I would recieve that prayer. but show up on my doorstep and threaten anything that I love,,,,,,,,,bring something big with you, you'll need it. My weakness comes from my own insecurities that been exposed, not from within my beliefs in God.

He is always at those he loves, exposing weakness, allowing us to fall, always willing to guide us back to him. I have so many things I know I need to repent of, pride, selfish ambition, idol worship, self pity. It is this journey that I know I need to take, and so take it I will.

Edited August 21, 2016 by broken4ever

[Mr Blunt]

By Broken4ever

I am a train wreck of a Christian, but I know that God has given me a gift in this opportunity to get right in my heart

.

 

You maybe a train wreak but you have the wisdom to know that God will give you an opportunity to work all things together for good.

 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

 

 

 

By Broken4ever

I know this only, that to attempt to get well around her constant nagging and control and negativity would be impossible for me. Whether she stays chaste or not, I will have to trust God to protect me through it.

 

Since you stated that you trust in God I am listing a few verses from scripture that talks about God protecting you.

 

Psalm 9:9-10 The Lord defends those who suffer; he defends them in times of trouble. Those who know the Lord trust him, because he will not leave those who come to him.

 

 

 

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and

supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made

known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all

understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through

Christ Jesus.

 

 

John 16:33

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have

peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good

cheer, I have overcome the world.

[Mr Blunt]

By broken4ever

He is always at those he loves, exposing weakness, allowing us to fall, always willing to guide us back to him. I have so many things I know I need to repent of, pride, selfish ambition, idol worship, self-pity. It is this journey that I know I need to take, and so take it I will.

Rick Warren, the pastor of Saddle Back Church said the following:

By Rick Warren

Some of you are facing a major difficulty right now. It may be an illness or guilt or a financial problem or strain in a relationship. Does God have a word for you while you’re going through your difficulty? Absolutely. God is saying to you, “Don’t give up. Grow up.” Fulfill the purpose of your difficulty — becoming more and more like the person he created you to be.

 

Rick said this two years after losing his young son to suicide. Like JustAguy said, “Christians have been some of the most courageous people in the past” I have never been tested like Rick has and I hope that I never do. However, I know strength when I see it and Rick is a mountain of strength!

 

Romans 5:3-4 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that … they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady” (TLB).

[road]

Okay, I'm going to take my own advice and not be too sensitive. I haven't described myself more than my pain, so I will.

I am 6'3, 215lb, Athletic build plus a little beer fat. Would not consider myself a looker, but average. I was raised with no conflict resolution skills in a very close, well adjusted home with 3 brothers and a sister. If you were to meet me you would know that I am fiercely protective of my children and my wife. I would lay down my life for them in an instant. (No horn blowing intended) couple me,,,caring, sensitive, willing to yield, with my way or no way, no filters, I will say or do whatever it takes to win, and you have a serious relational issue. I will admit, that I let her get away with way too much, way to often.

But I might, if I may, disagree with your assessment, I have always found that my above mentioned qualities were what made me a strong Christian, not a weak man. My downfall came when WW said the things she did and tore the foundation of everything I thought I was as a man, (not a Christian) from my life. Call it weak if you will, then so be it, I am weak, but I am after all just a man. Imagine if you will, the person you have loved and provided for and protected for years telling you, you are ugly, you are not what I want, what you have done is not good enough, so I chose someone else. Maybe you are a better man than I? Maybe a better christian? Then pray for me that I might be more like you, I would recieve that prayer. but show up on my doorstep and threaten anything that I love,,,,,,,,,bring something big with you, you'll need it. My weakness comes from my own insecurities that been exposed, not from within my beliefs in God.

He is always at those he loves, exposing weakness, allowing us to fall, always willing to guide us back to him. I have so many things I know I need to repent of, pride, selfish ambition, idol worship, self pity. It is this journey that I know I need to take, and so take it I will.

 

 

 

Not to down play what your WW said but my response is big deal for a lot of WW's talk trash after they got caught having an affair. They are just falsely justifying their affair.

 

 

What is/was more important how a BH responds to the baloney that comes out of his WW's mouth.

 

 

If you would in front of a bullet for your family then you should be able to stand in front of your WW's words and call bull manure.

 

 

You still rug swept back then and you rug sweep now.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Have you or your wife read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair...by linda macdonald? Both of you should read it...and discuss it. It will give you some indication of your wife's readiness to help you heal.

 

Separation can certainly be a good thing...but you need to know WHY you are separating. You need to have a plan. You discuss this separation with your wife...you set boundaries....why? because your wife cheated on you...you need to make sure she understands why you need time away from her...and what you hope to achieve through separation.

 

You need to see a a lawyer and find out all of your rights....and how to legally go about this separation.

 

You need to see a therapist....a Christian therapist...to help to guide you in your healing. Loveshack is a wonderful sounding board...but you need individual therapy.

 

It would not hurt...to recommend that your wife also see a therapist...you cannot make her of course...but you should recommend it.

 

I would also talk to my pastor...since you are a Christian....Your pastor knows you...and can help lead you....

 

I would take the advice given here on loveshack...that you find applicable to your own personal circumstance...and I would ignore the rest.

 

Listening....is a very hard thing to do....but you need to listen ...

 

Being defensive...especially when we are injured...is a very natural thing to be....however...being combative and argumentative....will achieve nothing.

I would have thought you would have learned that by now....

 

I have absolutely no doubt that you are a hurting individual...and that you sincerely need help...but I am not sure what you think you are going to get from loveshack or any other forum....especially when you seem to already have your own plan and how you intend to pursue it.

 

Best of luck to you...I hope you find healing and comfort...Broken...a very broken man.....

[broken4ever]

I read thru the entire post this morning, okay, it seems I have a propensity for self justification. I do not have all the answers, heck, I don't have any really.

I will listen, that's why I wrote here after all, asking if anyone had any answers, and then argue when you offer your advice. Sorry.

 

Today is a good day, celebrating something good, and fresh, and saturated in love and hope. My daughters wedding is going to be awesome, she is marrying an outstanding man, who loves her deeply.

 

I chose Rascal flats, "I won't let go" for our dance which is an anthem to her, as she went thru a time of great sadness before she met him. Turns out It's a great song for me right now too!

 

Thanks again.

[salparadise]

Imagine if you will, the person you have loved and provided for and protected for years telling you, you are ugly, you are not what I want, what you have done is not good enough, so I chose someone else.

 

My weakness comes from my own insecurities that been exposed, not from within my beliefs in God.

 

Indeed. Imagine having to live with someone like that... imagine someone who would actually choose to live with someone like that!

 

You should ask God for the strength to cut this toxic woman out of your life forever and get the hell out of Dodge. Why on earth would you stay with someone who treats you like that? No wonder you're diminished. This ain't about God. Even people who believe in God have to take responsibility and make the right choices.

[broken4ever]

The wedding was incredible. My daughter was gorgeous, it was a beautiful day. Now the hard part begins. WW this week agreed to see IC, back to reality.

[BluesPower]

Really glad to here that.

 

 

It is ok to get back to reality, you have waited long enough. Just keep moving forward.

 

 

Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

The wedding was incredible. My daughter was gorgeous, it was a beautiful day. Now the hard part begins. WW this week agreed to see IC, back to reality.

 

Glad the wedding went well.

 

As for your wife, I think the hardest part is that you endured so many years of lies, trickle truth, and self-preservation. And this is on top of 2 physical affairs, neither of which were confessed, and one of which was 3-4 times a week for 2 years. You haven't even had the benefit of her remorse over all of these years (her comment about what kind of guy she likes is a particularly shocking rationalization). Instead, she's been disrespectful. I can't imagine the unresolved resentment you must feel. But perhaps worse is that your wife must be fully entrenched in this approach that has always worked for her.

 

Long story short, I can't really imagine that IC or MC is suddenly going to be a silver bullet solution.

 

If I had a recommendation, it would be to study the 180 up one side and down the other, stick to your guns that you won't tolerate anything but fully remorseful admissions and behavior. And if she tries to delay, obfuscate, trickle truth, play the victim, or any other such nonsense, then you make it clear that you aren't screwing around (by separating and perhaps even by filing). There's been enough pu**y-footing around for the last 16 years. I'd demand serious work on her part or I'd be outta there.

[S2B]

So glad the wedding went well!

 

How can you gauge her progress if she does individual counseling? Do you think she will actually be honest with the counselor? Is there a plan to do MC?

[Cephalopod]

Strange, aren't i, all of a sudden infidelity is a deal breaker? What about the last 36 years? It is a conundrum for sure. I should reiterate, the only reason I am separating is to get well, period. I have no, nor will demand any expectations as it pertains to our marriage during that time. I know my own heart only, if I do not get well, I will most probably die way to young, and the life I am currently living (if one would call it life at all) is not producing the fruit that I wish for my children or grandchildren. This separation is not about her, or marriage. I know this only, that to attempt to get well around her constant nagging and control and negativity would be impossible for me. Whether she stays chaste or not, I will have to trust God to protect me through it. If you don't know him that may seem odd , if you do know him you will know exactly what I mean.

 

I know what you mean. I'm a believer but not a strong one.

 

Look man, you got handed a shyte-sandwich to eat. You have a wife who, for a long time, disrespected you and cheated on you. There are some people who are just vacuous and selfish. They don't necessarily intend to be, but something in them makes them think they are better and above reproach. All I know about your wife is what you have told us here. And from my perspective, I'm amazed you stayed married to her for as long as you have.

 

You are worn out, worn down and sick of her crap. I get it.

 

She knows you well enough to know what you expect of her during the separation. She has been your wife for a long long time and is well versed in your expectations. She knows the score.

 

If she dates or sleeps around during the separation it will indeed tell you she doesn't give a flying farg, and that she is giving herself permission to do whatever she wants to regardless of what people think. This will be her litmus test to fail or pass on her own.

 

You are not going to dictate to her or spoon feed morality to her. I have no problem with that approach.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Cephalopod

[broken4ever]

Wow,tonight sucked. I laid out the separation notice this evening, it did not go well, I went over the whole deal with her, about how I am so unhealthy, spirit, soul and body. That this wasn't about her, or our marriage, but about me taking my last chance to get right. Her response was typical, blame shifting, ( it's my fault for letting her go out with girls), I didn't tell you because I thought it would hurt you too much, I didn't want it to happen. What a load, in 36 years this woman has never, and I mean never done anything she hasn't wanted to do.

I asked her to leave because I know I need to be busy to get past my addictions, I am presuming that she will say no, because she is way more interested in saving her own shame than my health, but I am still hoping she will do the right thing. We will see.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you are indeed a very broken man.

[BluesPower]

Was she admitting to new affairs or just making excuses for her old ones that you know about?

 

 

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

[BetrayedH]

In my experience, there's not much worse than staying with an unremorseful wayward spouse.

 

Stick to your guns.

[road]

Your WW needs a major attitude adjustment.

I doubt she will leave the house there is no legal way she can be forced to leave.

 

 

I can't believe her line: well you should of not let me go out with her GF's.