aliveagain Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Wow,tonight sucked. I laid out the separation notice this evening, it did not go well, I went over the whole deal with her, about how I am so unhealthy, spirit, soul and body. That this wasn't about her, or our marriage, but about me taking my last chance to get right. Her response was typical, blame shifting, ( it's my fault for letting her go out with girls), I didn't tell you because I thought it would hurt you too much, I didn't want it to happen. What a load, in 36 years this woman has never, and I mean never done anything she hasn't wanted to do. I asked her to leave because I know I need to be busy to get past my addictions, I am presuming that she will say no, because she is way more interested in saving her own shame than my health, but I am still hoping she will do the right thing. We will see. Friend, get help with the drinking, seriously. Nothing you did or didn't do pushed her into the arms of other men. She is a grown up, she knows right from wrong, having boyfriends, having unprotected sex with men while married doesn't take a lot of intelligence to know that is seriously wrong. Affairs take a lot of planning and deception, takes a special person to carry off the cuckolding's she laid on you. I went through it three times, survived an affair child, loss of respect, humiliation. We all get through it but we have to decide that we want to be out of infidelity first. Time for you to be greedy, you have wasted enough time on a bad situation, besides, you can't change your skin colour, you'll never be good enough for her. Your lucky you never got some kind of nasty disease staying with her while she actively dated. It's about time you showed her the same respect she shows you. Your a better man then me because I would never have put up with her bulls*it. The only way I would ever consider staying with a serial cheater is if she could find a way to unfu*k herself, unlikely. Have you exposed her to any of the other betrayed spouses, assuming some of her affair partners were married? Get rid of anyone that facilitated her infidelities, they don't deserve to be in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Hi Broken I'm sorry for your pain. It's been a long time you've sacrificed yourself. I believe you've been very noble in doing so for the sake of your children. Your wife does not deserve you. She treats you badly therefore she's showing no remorse nor empathy. From what I've read here from people who feel their Ms have recovered (somewhat) after their spouse's affairs, IT TAKES ALOT OF DA**ED HARD WORK ON THEIR BEHALVES and it can never be repaired anyway. Betrayed spouses deal with ALL OF IT 24/7 and it's hell. IMO and experience, nothing can repair a M after an affair. Nothing. I hit the drink very heavily after my D Day. I was drunk for a month solid. Took up smoking too after years of not doing either. I understand. We need SOME THING. What you'll find for certain is that YOU CAN let these crutches go. When you're not propping up a dependent, using spouse, and a frightful M, you'll FEEL THE FREEDOM and be able to BREATHE again my friend. Your eyes will open again to the wonders of the world. Get help. Any help you need. LS saved my life. My friends here have always been priceless. The cohabitation whilst separated DID NOT WORK FOR US AT ALL because the VVVVVWH could not control himself. He became crazier and far worse. Watch out for behaviours spiking. Yours included. I read the Bible soon after my D Day. One reason "allowed" for D. Check yours. My new, beautiful and amazing boyfriend is 55yo. Please don't think it's over for you. I did at 49yo. I couldn't have been MORE WRONG. We are in love, ever so happy and planning so much. My new life has begun. Yours has too, once you realize it. A good woman will treat you very well and there are way too many faithful women who's exHs cheated on them. These ladies GET IT. Focus on your outcome. To be well and happy. You're already loved. ? Lion Heart 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 One more point I would like to make. Having sex with a guy 3 or 4 times a week for two years is no mistake, it's a very well planned choice. It caused you a lot of pain that you bottled up so you could be there for your children, thus your problem with alcohol. Do not take the blame for the marriage break up if your children blame you. You do not need to protect her anymore, tell your adult children the truth because that will be a big part of your healing. Just be careful how you tell them, you don't want to pass the burden on to them. Being told that you endured this much pain and humiliation so you could be there for them may cause them to think it's their fault. My suggestion to you is get help for yourself, talk to an expert, someone who deals with infidelity and ask them to help you come up with a disclosure plan for your children. Seriously friend, work on your happiness, she can choose to follow you if she fixes herself but that shouldn't interfere with your healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 From what I've read here from people who feel their Ms have recovered (somewhat) after their spouse's affairs, IT TAKES ALOT OF DA**ED HARD WORK ON THEIR BEHALVES and it can never be repaired anyway. Betrayed spouses deal with ALL OF IT 24/7 and it's hell. IMO and experience, nothing can repair a M after an affair. Nothing. I think true Reconciliation is a rare thing! The WS... I feel has to be remorseful from the get go not regretful that has been a permanent thorn in my side and there is nothing my WH can do about it! OP do what you feel is best for your healing I'm not sure there is a correct or incorrect way to handle this but I would just keep finding YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) If there's one thing I've learned its that you shouldn't make major life decisions in the middle of a personal crisis. Put everything on hold and get sober. Then reevaluate. Your decision will likely be clearer and your souls more at peace Edited August 31, 2016 by aileD 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken4ever Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 Hey all, things are going a lot better, WW is staying upstairs, still not liking it, but pretty much adhering to contact rules. I am staying busy cleaning and working on projects that have been long neglected. Started drinking miller 64, only 2.8 % and only having 3 or four a night. Felling good and still working towards quoting all together. I think I may be able to do this after all, feeling a lot of peace in my heart. broken 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 Cutting back is good. Though besides being separated in house what else are you doing to heal yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 No matter what you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I think true Reconciliation is a rare thing! The WS... I feel has to be remorseful from the get go not regretful that has been a permanent thorn in my side and there is nothing my WH can do about it! I think the only way to make it "work" is to make it not painful for the BS - which is what OP is doing. Being a WS in the first place implies character problems and a mindset predisposed to defense mechanisms, so I've come to the conclusion you just can't put a whole lot of hope and expectation of deep, lasting change from the WS. Such a plan is doomed to failure in my opinion and experience. I see my WH slipping backwards a little bit all the time in the different tendencies that needed to change to make him a new person that empathizes, shares responsibility in relationships and, more important, doesn't equate relationship success with appreciation of his ego. The persona that had affairs was a self-centered, blame-shifting, admiration-craving adolescent. I don't think it's possible to really change the M without WS's full acceptance and awareness of the broken character issue as the cause and a lifelong tendency - similar to alcoholism - that must be monitored and checked with vigilance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 (edited) And this key component—WS's full acceptance and awareness of the broken character issue as the cause and a lifelong tendency ... that must be monitored and checked with vigilance—canNOT happen without talk and pain on the WS's part. In other words: therapy. So to clarify what I said, beginning of previous post - It can function, first, if the BS lowers standards for the relationship, but, as b4e, myself and others continue to show, this solution can take too great a toll. The real solution is the second half of the formula: The WS accepts responsibility and lifelong commitment to understand and vigilantly monitor the character flaws that led to the affair(s) in the first place. But the nature of the flaw itself precludes this step. Edited September 3, 2016 by merrmeade clarify 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken4ever Posted September 3, 2016 Author Share Posted September 3, 2016 I am going to a therapist weekly, currently working on coping mechanisms, and the lack of boundaries in my own life that make it possible for people to manipulate and take advantage of me. I found this interesting because I always resented people who were like that, and would just comply to shut them up. I am hopefully going to get better at protecting and respecting my own boundaries as much as I do others. All of my kids are going to have me over one night a week for dinner so that I can stay connected with them and the grand kids. Yes, my goal is to be completely sober. I am addressing so many issues right now that have been lurking around for years, I am addressing them one at time, Alcohol and smoking are first on the list. Revival of self worth is no easy task when I have been telling myself I don't care for so many years, yet I am filled with a sense of hope that is driving me forward. Thanks be to God, for giving another chance. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I am going to a therapist weekly, currently working on coping mechanisms, and the lack of boundaries in my own life that make it possible for people to manipulate and take advantage of me. I found this interesting because I always resented people who were like that, and would just comply to shut them up. I am hopefully going to get better at protecting and respecting my own boundaries as much as I do others. All of my kids are going to have me over one night a week for dinner so that I can stay connected with them and the grand kids. Yes, my goal is to be completely sober. I am addressing so many issues right now that have been lurking around for years, I am addressing them one at time, Alcohol and smoking are first on the list. Revival of self worth is no easy task when I have been telling myself I don't care for so many years, yet I am filled with a sense of hope that is driving me forward. Thanks be to God, for giving another chance. Or this. Yes, this is a current issue for me and a question: Do I really get to blame someone else for disrespect for my self-deprecating behavior. Of course, the person has to be kind of a piranha to use that moment to their own advantge, but point is they're separate issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 One more point I would like to make. Having sex with a guy 3 or 4 times a week for two years is no mistake, it's a very well planned choice. It caused you a lot of pain that you bottled up so you could be there for your children, thus your problem with alcohol. Do not take the blame for the marriage break up if your children blame you. You do not need to protect her anymore, tell your adult children the truth because that will be a big part of your healing. Just be careful how you tell them, you don't want to pass the burden on to them. Being told that you endured this much pain and humiliation so you could be there for them may cause them to think it's their fault. My suggestion to you is get help for yourself, talk to an expert, someone who deals with infidelity and ask them to help you come up with a disclosure plan for your children. Seriously friend, work on your happiness, she can choose to follow you if she fixes herself but that shouldn't interfere with your healing. ^^^^^^ perfect plan in a nutshell. Aliveagain you nailed it again. ? DO NOT EVER take responsibility in ANY way for any unfaithful BS your spouse PLANNED AND EXECUTED. Nor the consequences she has to face at any time. If she had any sense she could've acquired a DEGREE at University to SUPPORT her own a** in the time of 3 OR 4 TIMES A WEEK!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Kinda reminds me of someone...oh yeah I'm divorcing that. YOU ARE NOT HER GRAVY TRAIN ANY MORE. I called myself "a free atm" after I found out the multitudes of affairs. Nah...I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THAT. HOW DISGUSTING. Neither did you. I couldn't give a flying **** WHERE he lives, nada. Dirty a** to the curb. Took a LONG while to get him out. In the end I couldn't care if it cost me my precious home and fruitful garden I paid for and labored in for over a decade. Worked towards for over 30y. GETTING HIM OUT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED IN THE END. Accomodation, finances, whatever! ALL HIS PROBLEMS NOW. I'm divorcing HIS problems. Yes I have three youngish children still with me. This was NOT love NOR MARRIAGE. IT WAS HELL. The best thing I ever did. Have courage. You can do it. One friend from here IMPLORED me to date in any form. Relentlessly. Just do it. You never know how perfect that decision can be. I ended up 'dating' my friend from here! Turned out to be pure heaven on earth. ? Cutting out the dead wood draining us in ALL FORMS is only a freeing experience. Lion Heart 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 omg, LH - love that post, just love it! You're back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 omg, LH - love that post, just love it! You're back. Broken4ever, you DO feel like you WILL be "broken" forever - oh gosh that concept breaks my heart for you! EMOTIONALLY The truth is THIS broke your heart. You invested your time in an unworthy being. It REALLY HURTS now. RATIONALLY Hearts HEAL. YOU have beautiful children and grandchildren! YOU can RECOVER. YOU are a WELL DESERVING MAN! It APPEARS like an impossible task to get through this. It isn't. Merely a spot of hard work on YOURSELF now. Do WHATEVER YOU need or want to do to make YOURSELF FEEL better. Physical exercise ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it. Propping yourself up with friends and family who LOVE you.. LS. Get some new clothes! You've done SO WELL to be aware that you need to lose these crutches of substances. It's ok. You can do this! You can do ANYTHING now! If you need to cohabit for now, GO OUT as much as possible and ONLY be home for family events. As you get stronger, look at the legal side of things. Take your time, but know that the longer you take, the more you're making some lovely lady wait for you. She's out there! Dearest Mermaid OFCOURSE I'm back! Time to "give back" to LS members what was given to me with such love, compassion and caring. Support through the worst period of my life. I survived! Yay lol. LS saved my life. You did Mermaid. Thankyou ?! I will be forever grateful to LS and you all. Love Lion Heart 4 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Broken4ever, you DO feel like you WILL be "broken" forever - oh gosh that concept breaks my heart for you! EMOTIONALLY The truth is THIS broke your heart. You invested your time in an unworthy being. It REALLY HURTS now. RATIONALLY Hearts HEAL. YOU have beautiful children and grandchildren! YOU can RECOVER. YOU are a WELL DESERVING MAN! It APPEARS like an impossible task to get through this. It isn't. Merely a spot of hard work on YOURSELF now. Do WHATEVER YOU need or want to do to make YOURSELF FEEL better. Physical exercise ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it. Propping yourself up with friends and family who LOVE you.. LS. Get some new clothes! You've done SO WELL to be aware that you need to lose these crutches of substances. It's ok. You can do this! You can do ANYTHING now! If you need to cohabit for now, GO OUT as much as possible and ONLY be home for family events. As you get stronger, look at the legal side of things. Take your time, but know that the longer you take, the more you're making some lovely lady wait for you. She's out there! Dearest Mermaid OFCOURSE I'm back! Time to "give back" to LS members what was given to me with such love, compassion and caring. Support through the worst period of my life. I survived! Yay lol. LS saved my life. You did Mermaid. Thankyou ?! I will be forever grateful to LS and you all. Love Lion Heart Lion Heart, You need to start a thread and catch us all up..... Luck always..... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Merely a spot of hard work on YOURSELF now. Might beg to differ on the diminution of the hard work required but agree with DOing all and only things that raise your spirits and allowing all and only thoughts of hope and better relationships...RATIONALLY Hearts HEAL. YOU have beautiful children and grandchildren! YOU can RECOVER. YOU are a WELL DESERVING MAN! It APPEARS like an impossible task to get through this. It isn't. ... Do WHATEVER YOU need or want to do to make YOURSELF FEEL better. Physical exercise ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it. Propping yourself up with friends and family who LOVE you. Get some new clothes! You've done SO WELL to be aware that you need to lose these crutches of substances. It's ok. You can do this! You can do ANYTHING now! If you need to cohabit for now, GO OUT as much as possible and ONLY be home for family events. As you get stronger, look at the legal side of things. Take your time, but know that the longer you take, the more you're making some lovely lady wait for you. She's out there! ... if you can, B4E, if you can. Don't add another layer of discouragement if you can't. Depression is what it is and sometimes you can't even do, think or want yourself out of it. I have no apologies for the antidepressant I started taking and still take. It got me off the couch and looking for other meaning in life. But in the end, it's really you that gets you back to wanting to love life again—because you do deserve it—and well-meaning cheerleaders on LS will get you there faster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Might beg to differ on the diminution of the hard work required but agree with DOing all and only things that raise your spirits and allowing all and only thoughts of hope and better relationships...... if you can, B4E, if you can. Don't add another layer of discouragement if you can't. Depression is what it is and sometimes you can't even do, think or want yourself out of it. I have no apologies for the antidepressant I started taking and still take. It got me off the couch and looking for other meaning in life. But in the end, it's really you that gets you back to wanting to love life again—because you do deserve it—and well-meaning cheerleaders on LS will get you there faster. B4E I apologize. I was being extremely sarcastic sorry. "Merely a spot of hard work" was my attempt at making light of, for some like me, has been THE worst period of my life. Correction IMMENSELY HARD WORK! Lonely. Confusing. Perplexing and worrisome hard work. The only substances I was referring to losing are those that B4E listed. Alcohol And Nicotine. I make no apologies for using those to an EXTRAORDINARY degree. Nor should anybody need explain their prescription meds. And to use these until..... Much strength Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Lion Heart, You need to start a thread and catch us all up..... Luck always..... Thankyou U50. I will endeavour to do so in the coming weeks. I can explain more there. :-) Lion Heart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 B4E I apologize. I was being extremely sarcastic sorry. "Merely a spot of hard work" was my attempt at making light of, for some like me, has been THE worst period of my life. Correction IMMENSELY HARD WORK! Lonely. Confusing. Perplexing and worrisome hard work. The only substances I was referring to losing are those that B4E listed. Alcohol And Nicotine. I make no apologies for using those to an EXTRAORDINARY degree. Nor should anybody need explain their prescription meds. And to use these until..... Much strength Lion Heart Hey, NEVER apologize for being a Lion Heart! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 I got married at 19 There's your problem. You can't see what the big wide world is like; you never experienced it. Link to post Share on other sites
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