Women: do you ever feel "afraid" of men/intimacy?

[burnt]

I'm not sure how else to phrase the question. But I'm asking this question in an attempt to try to understand myself. The responses from the posters in this site are incredibly insightful so I'm hoping people's comments will shed some light on my own issue here.

 

I'm not the kind of woman who men notice--I'm kind of invisible and have been that way all my life. But on the few RARE occasions, which I can count in one hand, when a man did show some interest and I got the hint of some interest, it SCARED me. It's not nervousness, it's sheer fear.

 

I'm not able to fully identify what it is that I'm afraid of exactly. I'm just posting this question out there, just to hear people's responses/experiences if anyone can relate to this.

 

Thanks.

[RecentChange]

No, I can't say I have ever felt fear as a result of a man's gaze. Discomfort perhaps - especially if he keeps leering, but that is more of a "no creep! I am not interested, I already returned your gaze with a look of annoyance, now quit making me have to avoid you"

 

But not fear.

 

Have you ever been attacked or assaulted? Are you comfortable around men in general?

[burnt]

RecentChange, Thank you for your response.

 

No, not assaulted myself; but I did grow up watching men in general physically, emotionally, verbally abusing women all the time. It was the cultural norm where I grew up. I guess I grew up with this idea of men "owning" women.

 

I'm actually feel much more comfortable being around men than women in general settings. I'm very limited in my social interactions, but in the little I do, I feel more myself around men than I do around women.

 

I'd like to believe that I'm an incredibly independent woman in general--especially compared to most women I see around me, but it still shocks me to recognize my own reaction to men as soon as they get close enough.

 

I guess it's going to be the next topic to explore with my therapist.

[Majormisstep]

Fear of what burnt?

 

I found an old post here on LS where the writer referred to a condition called "Abandaholics". Researched this further and by gum, by golly - that is me! Want what I can't have and don't want what I do have. Not a good recipe if I ever hope to have a healthy, happy relationship. Lots of work to do.

[todreaminblue]

for me theres always a bit of fear going into a new relationship or a new love interest.....fear of getting hurt.....but...with that fear is the confidence i have in knowing how i am in a relationship.....and the pleasure i have being in a relationship....i am willing to take the risk.....in spite of being scared.....

 

i know ill face possible problems with openness and honesty.....that i take my time anyway and really know a guy pretty well before i take any steps....i also have that confidence to move forward.....i find that dating people who you know of....you know their family...you know how they are...takes away a lot of the unknown fear.....

 

fear is not a bad thing.....fear lets you know to be cautious.....fear will make you consider carefully how to progress...the most important thing is to progress with fear or without it.........there are no guarantees in love....but even without a guarantee....with problems and possible trip ups love is messy..doesnt sit tidily in a box adn give you a green light when to have it.........you have to be willing to jump for it.....because love is always a priceless gift and its worth ...the jump...with that jump....fear is natural.....you just cant let fear reign supreme...........deb

[burnt]

Hi Deb,

Thank you; very true absolutely; just hard to actualize.

[burnt]

Fear of what burnt?

 

I found an old post here on LS where the writer referred to a condition called "Abandaholics". Researched this further and by gum, by golly - that is me! Want what I can't have and don't want what I do have. Not a good recipe if I ever hope to have a healthy, happy relationship. Lots of work to do.

 

Major,

Never heard of that; something to look into, for sure; but it sounds like I fall into that category myself as well.

[Els]

Have you been intimate with a man before (in whatever sense of the term you meant)? If you haven't, I think it's extremely normal to be kinda scared. And even if you are, probably normal with a new person. Risk is scary, especially when it comes to things like opening up your heart and then having it stomped upon. I don't think fear is the issue, but rather what you choose to do with the fear.

[Toodaloo]

Nope. No fear.

 

Probably should have more than I do as I have picked up male hitch hikers while on my own and walked into male dominated bars on my own.

 

I have said yes and given out my number a few times because I was a bit shocked. Equally I have said no when I wanted to see them again because I have been shocked.

 

But fear? Nope - no fear of men here. Except when they start sniffing me randomly and acting in weird ways... Then I tend to grab the nearest other male and put them in front!!!

[Redhead14]

I'm not sure how else to phrase the question. But I'm asking this question in an attempt to try to understand myself. The responses from the posters in this site are incredibly insightful so I'm hoping people's comments will shed some light on my own issue here.

 

I'm not the kind of woman who men notice--I'm kind of invisible and have been that way all my life. But on the few RARE occasions, which I can count in one hand, when a man did show some interest and I got the hint of some interest, it SCARED me. It's not nervousness, it's sheer fear.

 

I'm not able to fully identify what it is that I'm afraid of exactly. I'm just posting this question out there, just to hear people's responses/experiences if anyone can relate to this.

 

Thanks.

 

People who feel invisible in the world and who get noticed feel as though they are suddenly under a microscope and feel "exposed" so to speak. If this is specifically about men, it might help to review your relationships with important male role models in your life, especially in childhood.