BluJuice Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 So here's the story.. my b/c and I have been dating for about a year and half now.. Before I was with him, I was engaged to be married to a guy who wanted thought I was his entire world.. needless to say, things didn't work out between us and I met Mr. new guy. When we first started dating, he said he wasn't a relationship type guy and he didn't want anything serious. After a few months of dating, he started getting more serious talking about having kids and getting married. The guy I used to be with was a girl's guy and the guy I am with now is a guy's guy. Wel needless to say it definitely got some getting used to. My ex-fiance has been and still wants to get back together. I went though several months of feeling torn between the two. During that time, my new guy and I broke up on a weekly basis (just about). And now I realize that the problems that broke my ex and I apart will most likely not change. I've settled on making things work with my new guy. Ironicaly, when I decide to set all he past aside and focus on us, I find he has a personal's ad online for an "intimate encounter". Basically, he just wants to find a girl to get laid with. I'm not sure if he's actually found someone, but I'm not sure how to approach this. On one hand, I did put him though some tough times breaking up with him on a routine basis. Now he says I'm not sure what it is I want and is more tentative about settling down with me. On the other hand, we are trying to work things out. I don't think it's right for him to be looking for someone else when he wants to move in together and acts like we are working things out and still going to get married. Do I have justification for being upset? Should I bring it up to him? If so, how? I'd really appreciate any advice anyone can give. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted July 2, 2005 Senior Moderators Share Posted July 2, 2005 The information about your ex fiance seems irrelevant to your problem at hand. Although a bit confusing, your post indicates your current boyfriend has put an ad on a web site seeking someone with whom to have sex. So what sort of advice do you need? It only takes ten seconds to tell him to take a hike and five or ten minutes to collect your stuff from his place if any of your things are there. Most women would give a million dollars for a hint like this prior to marriage. Here you are and this guy is sending up red balloons telling you what sort of dork he is and you're not even seeing them. If you feel there is even a slight reason why you should remain with a guy who actively seeks sexual encounters elsewhere, see a counsellor or therapist. No joking here, you may have some self esteem issues. No woman who has good feelings about herself would ever stay with a guy who is openly seeking sex with other women. If the truth be told, I would think your post borderlines on that of a troll but since I've been here for so long, every year or so a post like this pops up and it's real. There are some contradictions in your post. You ask if you should bring it up to him, yet you have provided information that you obviously have discussed the matter with him. On the outside chance you didn't make this up, my advice is submitted with love and best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluJuice Posted July 2, 2005 Author Share Posted July 2, 2005 Well not exactly.. he doesn't know I know about this.. The thing is I see this in two different lights.. on one hand, yes I think he's an absolute ass for doing this, but then on the other hand, if the person you are trying to with keeps pushing you away, would that drive you to do something like this? I do have alot of respect and love for myself, but I have always had the mentality that relationships are a work in progress.. Everyone is human and makes mistakes. part of the reason why marriages break up so often is b/c people give up too easily. I definitely feel I need to bring this up to him to get his side as well, I just don't know how to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted July 2, 2005 Senior Moderators Share Posted July 2, 2005 You wrote in your first post: "Basically, he just wants to find a girl to get laid with." Is this your conclusion or is that what you figured yourself? Either way, if this is what he told you or if this is what you feel, you are in a very bad situation. This is a drama I don't want to write for you. My advice is to get away and for you to seek help in finding out why you would want to work things out with a guy who advertises on an Internet web site for girls to have sex with. Normally, if a couple is having problems they work them out together if that's their mutual desire. Having sex with other people is not a conventional part of that process. I take it that you have not brought this up to him. You need to do this right away and get to the bottom of why he has done this. You need to dramatically improve communication between the two of you. I suppose what you learn by confronting him with this information will form the basis for how you will decide what to do. If you want us to help you in a meaningful way, post when you are relaxed and think about your words. It's very difficult to give you advice if you don't paint a complete picture. I sincerely hope you are able to work this out but I still feel no matter what, this guy is going to hurt you like nobody ever has....given the information you have provided. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 The thing is I see this in two different lights.. on one hand, yes I think he's an absolute ass for doing this, but then on the other hand, if the person you are trying to with keeps pushing you away, would that drive you to do something like this? There's mistakes and mistakes. I'm big on allowing people a chance, but this is a fairly smarmy chance - advertising for someone just to get laid? What will he do if you marry and have problems - go looking for it elsewhere??? One of the things you need in a good partner is that he have good coping or problem-solving strategies. 'Solving' a relationship problem by advertising for a quick lay isn't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluJuice Posted July 2, 2005 Author Share Posted July 2, 2005 I absolutely agree with you moimeme.. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Neither of them sound like "the one" you're looking for. Take a break from them both, concentrate on yourself for a little while and see what happens. You will probably end up seeing them both in a whole new light. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Tony It only takes ten seconds to tell him to take a hike and five or ten minutes to collect your stuff from his place if any of your things are there. Most women would give a million dollars for a hint like this prior to marriage. Here you are and this guy is sending up red balloons telling you what sort of dork he is and you're not even seeing them. I agree 100%. You're also putting the blame on you and he is the one who's being a dog. He would cheat on you sooner or later no matter how sweet you are to him. You can run away now and be with someone who won't cheat on you or choose to stay with a person you break up with on a regular basis. Don't marry your ex-fiance just to spite your current BF! Your decision will eventually fall down on your head. There are more men in this world than your ex and your current BF. Try future tense! Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Is this cheating (in the sense that the two of you are exclusive) or is it something you just don't like (because you are not exclusive, but you want to be)? Perhaps you need to clarify your status with him. If you have never formally or nearly formally become exclusive, then I think your constant drama with him AND the fact that you were still evaluating your ex makes your B/Fs current actions less offensive. If you are exclusive in any meaningful way and both of you reasonably assume a right to the other exclusively, then this is not okay, and your B/F should get dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
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