8-9 mths pregnant and husband totally insensitive

[girlwhohasaquestion]

my husband and I just got married last year and in Jan I discovered I was pregnant. As we are in our early 30s, the news was a bit surprising but joyous to say the least.

I was not,however, ready for the changes to my body, the sickness and being so far from my family during this time.

We live abroad but are closer to his fam in Europe.

Anyway the pregnancy hasnt been easy but he's been most wonderful coming to every appointment, talking to the baby, helping me with health forms etc.

 

All was well until he went to a bachelor party in july that he planned for his friend -in Madrid.

First, I was so resentful that he went to begin with and put so much effort into planning it yet has hardly planned one event for me. Then, he was out until 6am every night that wknd -even after the groom went home at 3! When casually asking his friend about the wknd, the friend let it slip that my husband was the one who wanted to stay out late. i know its the lifestyle in Spain but why would he need to be out so late? like what did he need to do?

 

Anyway, since that wknd ive noticed such a change in him.

first, hes obsessed with his friends and his phone. he even changed his password for a week after bach-assuming it was to hide pics from me. he dresses up like hes going to a club when he goes to work. hes working out often and He is also so distant with me in general. Its hard enough being heavily pregnant in the summer but he barely ever wants sex.

I have gained about 30lbs but I was v thin to begin with. plus im tall. im feeling a bit disgusted with self from all the cellulite ive developed but trying my best to hide it.

im working out but cant help whats been happening to my bod.

Hes just been all about him lately and has SUCH a temper! he booked a trip for us to visit his older brother last weekend which wasnt easy for me as i was 33 wks pregnant but i went. then his other brother who is single asks to spend this week here with us. its my birthday tomorrow. my husband did not ask what dates his bro wants to be here and didnt think to ask because he didnt even remember it was my bday. So tomorrow im forced to spend my bday w him and my brother in law.

 

i was so upset that he put effort into a BACHELOR party but nothing into my bday.

 

anyway today the crib veil i ordered arrived at our house. when i was trying to fix it over the crib he started screaming at me non stop in front of my bro in law.

i was trying so hard to be calm but could have punched him in the face. hes exploded on me various times this month. i kept my composure went to my room let out a cry and said ok im going out for a bit. im almost 9 months pregnant. Do you think he bothered to call me to see where I was? nope! he didnt even check whatsapp, nothing!

 

then his brother wanted to go out tonight for drinks and dinner so they asked me to come and obviously i was in no mood. so they leave together like 2 single guys leaving me on my birthday eve. my husband was so happy to go out too Im super emotional at this point in my pregnancy and just want to book a ticket and go home.

 

next week he's off to his friend's wedding so hes leaving me here alone at 35 weeks preg. no fam, some friends but no one close.

he originally wanted to leave for 5-6 days but obviously that upset me so now hes going for 4 days because "there are no flights on the sunday" his friend told him he didnt have to come but obviously this is what he wanted.

 

I cant even LOOK at him with all this treatment yet I dont know what else to do! im totally trapped !! can anyone help give me advice/perspective on this situation?

[darkmoon]

once you have four hour feeds (aaaw) you will be tired all the time, till the baby sleeps overnight, so you just do not need arguing on top of that

 

what was he saying when he screamed at you?

 

what can you resolve in a more cordial manner?

[girlwhohasaquestion]

he normally screams at me over petty things like using a fork instead of a spoon to cook. today it was because he wants to drape the veil over the crib and I want to use the wire provided.

I usually ignore his rants but seeing as his brother was there I was furious. He always tries to demean me in front of others.

 

Im not looking for ways to be cordial, I think ive been cordial enough!

[RecentChange]

Honestly it sounds abusive. Verbal abuse is a thing you know?

 

My husband has NEVER screamed at me. Never. And I have given him some real reasons to.

 

A fork!? Has he always screamed at you?

[girlwhohasaquestion]

yes but over really petty nonsense. hes italian and its the same sort of thing his mother yelled at him about.

I honestly ignore or laugh it off most of the time but he knows I hate it when he does it in front of people

[RecentChange]

At the very least he sounds like he does not respect you at all.

 

His mother screamed at him, so now it's acceptable for him to nor control himself like an adult and scream at you?

 

You aren't his child, you are his wife.

 

All of these actions you mention scream of disrespect

[blackcat777]

The bachelor party, staying out late, followed by hiding the phone sounds like red flags to me...

 

Has he ever exploded on you before that night?

 

I'm so sorry you have to experience this, especially while pregnant.

[Mr. Lucky]

I cant even LOOK at him with all this treatment yet I dont know what else to do! im totally trapped !! can anyone help give me advice/perspective on this situation?

 

The stress not good for you - and your baby - and things will get (much!)more challenging after the birth.

 

I'd sit down and have a clear, calm conversation about your needs and expectations both now and when the baby comes home. He's acting more like a single guy, hopefully some paternal instincts kick in when he see his child.

 

Boy or girl ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[girlwhohasaquestion]

its a boy!!

 

I know these are all red flags but its not inconsistent with his past behavior. He's always had a temper. Im not trying to justify it with bringing up his mother but just explain how Ive analyzed it.

 

Clearly he has zero respect as I always go so far out of my way to plan his birthdays and he has barely planned one of mine. I also only raise my voice if he's hurt me, never for petty things or in front of others.

 

I don't normally care about my birthday but seeing how he has been lately and this is my last before baby birthday, I just wanted some recognition.

[Mr. Lucky]

its a boy!!

 

Congratulations !!!

 

We can give you sympathy, only your H can offer you more than that. Hope things change when he meets his son...

 

Mr. Lucky

[veryhappy]

If he hopefully didn't cheat on you, I'd say he's scared out of his mind about becoming a father and he's acting out trying to cling to his good days/independence/freedom. He's immature and doesn't realize how much you need him because he"s caught into his own inner drama.

 

If your father in law is fit for the hob, ask him to tell him how it was when the first child was born. Maybe a pep talk will calm his nerves.

 

You'd also not overstep a line for an Italian woman if you told your hubby he needs to stop with the secrecy on his phone because if he's cheating you're gonna...i sert what an Italian woman would threaten. Sometimes it's more effective to go native for the message to get through.

 

Fond somebody you can lean on, even if it's online with your family or friends you usd to have. It's cruel to add additional stress to any pregnancy, and you need support and your hubby needs to come to his senses.

Edited August 14, 2016 by cutedragon

[Just a Guy]

Hi Girl, I'm not sure whether you, too, are an Italian or belong to another nationality. Your grasp of the English language indicates that your mother tongue is English, but I could be wrong. My point is that if you are, indeed, from England or the US then culturally speaking, there is a big difference between you and your husband since he is Italian. I suppose he swept you off your feet with Italian charm and you did not really pay heed to the differences in the way he perceived things and in the way you did.

 

If what I've said is true then possibly one cannot blame either of you for the way that each of you is reacting to your current situation. My advice to you would be to book a ticket home like you were wanting to, and go home at this crucial juncture as it is obvious your husband is insensitive to your condition and this cannot be good for your unborn child. If that is not possible, ask for your parents or someone close to you from your family to come and be with you till your baby is born. This is only a suggestion but something drastic of this nature has to be done because there is no time left for giving your husband a chance to change his attitude before the baby comes along. Warm wishes.

[girlwhohasaquestion]

Thanks for your message. i am Canadian with an Italian background. Quite the opposite of your presumption really, I was never interested in Italian men, but continued meeting them while living in Europe for some reason. I wasn't in Italy either. Destiny, I suppose. You are right that we have very different cultural backgrounds regardless, and it is harc to understand each other. After 5 years together though, we have both overcome these differences. I hope, anyway..

 

anyway for my bday he treated me to a night at a hotel and a mexican dinner (my craving!!) he apologized profusely for his behavior and expressed how I deserve nothing but the best. Let's hope this attitude sticks!!

 

Thanks for yoir advice everybody xoxo

[JoeSmith357-1]

The bachelor party, staying out late, followed by hiding the phone sounds like red flags to me...

 

1. I do not agree that simply attending a bachelor party and staying out late while there is a red flag. I cannot and will not accept that statement.

 

Many guys, married or not, go to bachelor parties, get drunk, have a good time with the groom to be and don't bang chicks while doing so. Which is what you are insinuating he did.

 

2. While I might agree that changing his phone's password and being careful around it may be suspicious, why is the OP trying to snoop on her husband's phone? Going to a bachelor party does not give a spouse or SO carte blanche to be snooping on my phone

 

 

As to the OP, I cannot excuse his rudeness to you, that seems over the top and lame. He actually sounds like a douche

Edited August 15, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[lucy_in_disguise]

It sounds like he may be freaking out about impending fatherhood and all the changes/ loss of independence that come with it.

 

I don't think the bachelor party is in itself a red flag. He probably wanted to go out hard knowing it was one of his last opportunities to do so before the baby. Unless there are other reasons you don't trust him to be faithful, I wouldnt start assuming the worst now. I don't know what the password thing is about- maybe there's no reason behind it beyond legitimate security purposes- but if that makes you feel insecure, you are better off having a heart to heart, rather than logging this into your repository of resentment.

 

The yelling thing may be abusive or it may be cultural. Which do you think it is?

 

Inviting his brother to stay with you was insensitive, but again, he may not have meant any harm. Did you specifically tell him it was not the right time for the visit? If not, he may have assumed you were as excited about it as he was. Some people have open door policies where family is concerned. If that's problematic for you it's something you may need to negotiate.

 

I think you both need to be more clear about what your needs/ expectations are, while at the same time cutting him more slack if he doesn't intuitively "get" it. For example, if you need him to be home instead of going to his friend's wedding, you need to say so in direct terms rather than being disappointed that he didn't come to that conclusion on his own. Many men are poor mind readers and the new addition to your family poses new challenges as your needs and expectations are changing. You'll have to communicate better to avoid working against each other once the baby arrives.

 

I wouldn't recommend going home to your family at this point. It is going to create more drama, and unless you actually feel that you need to get divorced, starting your family apart is probably not the right move. Not to mention, isn't flying prohibited during the last few months of pregnancy? If you need additional support- and you very well may after the baby is born- perhaps your parents or some other friends/ family can come stay with you for a while.

 

Congratulations, and try to take it easy and enjoy these last few days!

Edited August 15, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[stillafool]

it

I don't normally care about my birthday but seeing how he has been lately and this is my last before baby birthday, I just wanted some recognition.

 

Since you didn't want to go out what would you have liked to have done for your birthday?