Strawberry101 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Hi, Last weekend I went out with some acquaintances and drank way too much, my memory of the whole evening is very patchy but when I woke up in the morning I had snapshots of fooling around with a girl, I have no recollection of events leading up to this or immediately after, just three very vague images in my head. One of which starts with her launching in to kiss me. I love my husband with every part of me, we are young and very happy, I have never wanted to be with anyone else since I met him and I have never even put myself in a position with anyone else where I might give them the wrong impression or anything could happen. I am also straight. I have always been open minded and whilst I know I am attracted to men I suppose a bit of curiosity of 'what would it be like?' Has crossed my mind before. But I have never actually wanted to seek it out and like I said, I have never felt to stray from my husband. I told my husband straight away and he was upset but assures me that he has forgiven me. He says he doesn't feel cheated on and that I just made a mistake when I was drunk. However, I just can't shrug off the guilt that regardless of how drunk I was, somewhere in my mind I disregarded him even if it was just for a split second and I really hate myself for it. If I was single I would accept that it was just some drunken experimentation and forget about it but I hate myself that even as drunk as I was I 'experimented' when I am married! Everywhere I look tells me that alcohol makes you do things you want to do subconsciously but I am certain I have never wanted to cheat on my husband. Everywhere I look tells me that if I did that it means I don't love him, but I do. I've never looked for sexual or emotional gratification from anyone else. Is it possible that alarm bells just didn't go off because it was a girl and in my drunken state I just went with it? I don't drink so heavily very often but I certainly have done before and done very stupid things I can't explain. Sometimes I just don't have an 'off' switch and lose control, Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Will I ever be able to free myself of the guilt? I don't want to bring my husband down with me as its not fair and I don't want to ruin a wonderful relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 First, no, making a bad decision being weak or selfish and cheating does NOT mean that you do not love your spouse. Live does not render someone incapable of making mistakes. Alcohol clouds our judgement, perception and lowers inhibitions. Perhaps it's not that you wanted to cheat, but were curious about experimenting with a female. Beating yourself up over it won't do a lot of good. Recognising what led to this, and avoiding situations with too much alcohol will. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I don't drink so heavily very often but I certainly have done before and done very stupid things I can't explain. Sometimes I just don't have an 'off' switch and lose control You have problems bigger than an extramarital kiss but seem strangely in denial. Binge drinking til you get blackout drunk risks much more than your marriage - you could be sexually assaulted, injure or kill someone with your car or end up in prison, amongst other fates. Get help for both the drinking and the mindset that allows you to place yourself in such a dangerous situation. More than just your marriage could be lost... Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strawberry101 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 You have problems bigger than an extramarital kiss but seem strangely in denial. Binge drinking til you get blackout drunk risks much more than your marriage - you could be sexually assaulted, injure or kill someone with your car or end up in prison, amongst other fates. Get help for both the drinking and the mindset that allows you to place yourself in such a dangerous situation. More than just your marriage could be lost... Mr. Lucky I agree with you there, it's not the only stupid, irresponsible and dangerous thing I did that night. I value my husband and my life over going out drinking. I've scheduled a session to speak with a counselor on Monday. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Good news. Keep posting, let us know the progress you're making... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strawberry101 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Good news. Keep posting, let us know the progress you're making... Mr. Lucky Thank you. My husband and I have been talking a lot about that whole night from A to Z, he is good at moving on whereas I just analyse and analyse everything until I give myself an actual headache. But things are good between us and I am looking forward to speaking to a professional who can help me get through the guilt and understand my actions a little better. Feeling hopeful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Strawberry, You are beating yourself up a little too much here. yes, you made a bad decision and you have recognized that this drinking into a stupor that seems to be so prevalant in young people today is not in your best interests for your marriage. The one thing i think you do need to be careful of is that your husband does not have some delayed reaction to this. You confessed right away, which was the correct thing to do, but you need to make sure he is not simmering underneath about it. Men try to play 'tough guy" in these situations more than women and just try to suck it up. I assume this other woman you made out with was NOT one of your friends, but i would sure have a talk with them and find out why they thought it was fine and recorded it for you on the cell phones. if i was your husband, I would be at this point questioning GNO with this crew for a while. No ,they are not responsible for your actions but if the were all acting like it was Spring break and encouraging you that is not good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strawberry101 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Strawberry, You are beating yourself up a little too much here. yes, you made a bad decision and you have recognized that this drinking into a stupor that seems to be so prevalant in young people today is not in your best interests for your marriage. The one thing i think you do need to be careful of is that your husband does not have some delayed reaction to this. You confessed right away, which was the correct thing to do, but you need to make sure he is not simmering underneath about it. Men try to play 'tough guy" in these situations more than women and just try to suck it up. I assume this other woman you made out with was NOT one of your friends, but i would sure have a talk with them and find out why they thought it was fine and recorded it for you on the cell phones. if i was your husband, I would be at this point questioning GNO with this crew for a while. No ,they are not responsible for your actions but if the were all acting like it was Spring break and encouraging you that is not good. I do have a habit of beating myself up, I have a very anxious mind and the slightest mishaps make me question everything. No not really a friend, I spoke to her and she said she could hardly remember anything either and felt embarrassed about the whole thing. No, I don't blame her but I don't have much interest in keeping up a dialogue with her, I showed my husband our messages. I do worry about him, he is someone who just tries to get on with things and let the past be the past. I keep checking in with him and he assures me he is fine. You are right about the whole 'Spring break' thing - problem with me is that I have a 'wild' side I don't particularly like. If I was single I would feel stupid for getting so drunk but I would probably just laugh off the whole female sexual encounter thing. But I can't do that because I feel awful that no matter how drunk I was I guess I disregarded my husband in that moment, something I didn't think I would do. Now I just find myself analysing over and over. Thank you for your input 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 One of which starts with her launching in to kiss me. I love my husband with every part of me, we are young and very happy, I have never wanted to be with anyone else since I met him and I have never even put myself in a position with anyone else where I might give them the wrong impression or anything could happen. I am also straight. I have always been open minded and whilst I know I am attracted to men I suppose a bit of curiosity of 'what would it be like?' Has crossed my mind before. But I have never actually wanted to seek it out and like I said, I have never felt to stray from my husband. The amount of guilt you have over this suggests to me that you're unsure of the whys and so you're uncertain it won't happen again. (You can stop a behavior if you don't know what it is or what triggers it.) That's actually pretty common IME w women as regards other women - they have feelings and impulses that are usually hidden and suppressed so when they surface you don't know what they are and it can be scary. If I were you I'd ask yourself some serious questions about your feelings for women. Just reflexively denying any 'real' inclination for them or blaming it on outside factors like alcohol doesn't really help anything bc it's just avoidance of the issue, not resolution. If you deny sth w/out knowing the denial is real, the angst over it'll just continue to plague you indefinitely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Strawberry101 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 The amount of guilt you have over this suggests to me that you're unsure of the whys and so you're uncertain it won't happen again. (You can stop a behavior if you don't know what it is or what triggers it.) That's actually pretty common IME w women as regards other women - they have feelings and impulses that are usually hidden and suppressed so when they surface you don't know what they are and it can be scary. If I were you I'd ask yourself some serious questions about your feelings for women. Just reflexively denying any 'real' inclination for them or blaming it on outside factors like alcohol doesn't really help anything bc it's just avoidance of the issue, not resolution. If you deny sth w/out knowing the denial is real, the angst over it'll just continue to plague you indefinitely. I have been racking my brain about it. I've been paying close attention to my natural reactions to men and women on tv etc, trying to think about any times I found a woman attractive etc. I've always known I'm pretty open minded, I mean the idea of being bi doesn't freak me out but to be honest I don't feel attracted to women even if I try. I just end up comparing their looks to my own. I am uncertain of the whys, yes, because it contradicts with my feelings for my husband. Even if I was bisexual I wouldn't want to cheat on him and I am upset that essentially I did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 What was this kiss like? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 You need to examine your relationship with alcohol. Thats where your real problem is. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Strawberry I'd be a hell of a lot more worried if I was you if you had done this while completely sober or if you had been having these "exploratory" urges repeatedly. You got drunk on your ass and we all know when people of either sex are bombed they do stupid things. I'd be more concerned about this wild side. And putting yourself in highly sexually charged environments without your husband around with a group of friends some of whom are probably unattached and out "hunting". You already know alcohol is a problem . Staying out of "trouble" is not difficult if you really want to. I would concentrate of insuring your husband feels safe regardless of what he outwardly appears. My guess is he would have felt more threatened if this occurred with a man. But now he knows it did happen. Be accountable and transparent and this should not become a big non forgivable occurance as long as you do not repeat it with man or woman You have recognized this was not smart. You have not tried to justify it by blaming it on anything or anyone but yourself. That is a good first step. So work with your husband and take it easy on yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 I agree with Frisky, you need to curb this need to be a wild bad girl. Here is my take for what it is worn: You are an adult and you are a married woman. You have obligations and responsibilities, primarily to your husband. You gave up your freedoms to bind yourself to a partner for life. If you did not spend enough single years exploring your sexuality and getting the party out of your system, then that is just to bad. Make a choice. Be married and responsible or let hubby go and go back to being single and wild. You cannot have both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 So, according to some people here, if you are drunk, you can't consent to sex. So you were raped. How about reporting it to the police. If you were raped, you don't have to explain anything... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 Relax. You had a wild night. You fessed up, and your husband's manhood wasn't compromised. If he's cool with it, you need to make yourself cool with it. Just tone down the drinking, and move on. If it barely feels like it happened today, it will feel like absolutely nothing in a year. Link to post Share on other sites
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