Are cake-eaters "scared to be alone"?

[Arieswoman]

This thread is prompted by a comment that someone made somewhere else on this forum - ( and I'm sorry I can't remember where it is to give you credit for it ! )

 

that cake-eaters cheat because they "are scared to be alone"

 

It seems quite pertinent to me.

 

Or are cake-eaters just plain selfish?

 

Comments please.

[l8estnews]

Not all.

 

Most cheaters I believe has a very different notion of love. For them, it's infatuation, so when it drizzles into nothingness, they can't help but pine for the next person who gives them that "spark."

 

Infatuation is fickle. It can last months, even years, but it will die down one way or another. Love, on the other hand, is coupled with lots of things: Commitment, Loyalty, genuine care, partnership, friendship, and that sense of family. Your other half..... which is very rare nowadays, sadly.

[standtall]

Maybe women cheaters.

 

Guys in general don't do affairs for emotional connections....they are in it for the chase and the getting a piece of ass. ...guys just want as much p**** as they can get. AP's also give the booty without the everyday, boring couple crap.

[central]

I think some cheaters are in bad marriages with no easy way out, and are in emotional pain. They may be tempted to cheat because it will provide quick - but temporary - relief from their misery, and affirmation of their desirability to someone, since their spouse isn't. It's appealing because it helps them go on and face the much bigger, much longer-term problem of their marriage. Sure, it's often destructive, but when you're desperate, it's difficult to make good decisions. It's an aspirin, when you really need chemo.

[oldshirt]

monkey swinging is probably more of an indication of that rather than cheating per se.

 

if someone is always lining up their next relationship and getting it underway before cutting the cord of their one, that is probably more indicative than an actual affair.

 

Out of the players in an affair, I think the one that has the fear of being alone is the BS who continues to let the WS mistreat them.

 

If the WS continues to mistreat the BS and the BS just basically sucks it up and takes it, that is more of a fear of loss and fear of the unknown and fear of being alone more than a reason for the WS cheating in the first place.

 

I don't think fear of being alone is much if any factor in people cheating. than is just good ol' fashioned selfishness, entitlement, lack of respect of boundaries and lack of compassion for the BS.

[road]

Cake eating and cheating are two different things.

 

 

You do not have to be a cake eater to cheat or a cheater to be a cake eater.

 

 

To be a cake eater all that is needed to be one is to have a deal where they get everything that they want without having to give up anything or pay any price to obtain.

 

 

The reason for having an affair has no bearing on being a cake eater. Unless the WS gets caught they never will be a cake eater for they never will be forced to choose the BS or the AP. Once caught though the WS has to end the affair or divorce the BS.

 

 

When the WS refuses to do either and tries to stay married and keep their AP that is when they become the cake eater.

 

 

The difference between men and women is that when a woman in general want to leave her marriage they usually will not do so until they have a replacement man lined up so they can go straight from the old relationship to the new relationship.

 

 

Though most WS enter affairs just for some side action and once caught drop the AP like a bad habit.

 

 

Unless there is prolonged continuing of the affair after D day then there is no cake eating.

[Morgoth]

There is an endless river of partners for the MM, and it's never been easier to connect with them than today; from 18 to 50 plus. To answer the question from a personal perspective, there NO fear of being alone. I think the bigger fear is financial devastation, but if you make enough, that's not that big of fear either.

[aileD]

I think they are more afraid of losing than being alone.

 

Losing their kids

Losing their money

Losing their zest for life

Losing their ability for "more exciting" sex

Losing their status in life

Losing their home and stability.

 

 

They want everything. They are afraid to give up anything. They want to know how they can have it all.

[heartwhole]

This doesn't make sense to me . . . they cheat because they're scared to be alone? Maybe a single AP in an affair accepts that situation because they're afraid to be alone, but a married cheater could simply leave the BS, be with the AP, and they still wouldn't be alone. So I don't think this is any great motivating factor. ???

 

But I do think in my WH's case that he wanted to keep me as an option while he explored if life would be better with the OW. Apparently he decided marriage was like a gym membership that you could put on hold, but secretly, mind you, without letting your spouse know that's what was actually happening, and then, if you didn't really like working out at the other gym better, you could just resume things like nothing had ever happened.

 

IDK. That just seems so ridiculous, doesn't it? I don't think I'll ever really understand how you justify these things. I know that somehow my husband had convinced himself that I was done with the marriage, absurdly projecting his feelings onto me and assigning meaning and confirmation where there was none. So when he said, "We have feelings for each other," and I started hyperventilating and panicking, he was like, oh sh*t. And then he backpedaled and tried to hide that it was a PA and pretty summarily ended things with her. He knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't sit around patiently waiting for him to pick me.

 

I think back to when we met, and I wonder if I should have seen this coming. It was my first week of college and we met, there were sparks, and he took me out two nights in a row. Then he called me to tell me that he hoped I wasn't getting the wrong impression because he was seeing somebody. I was horrified, tried to cover up my heartache, and avoided him for months. Even when he told me just a few days later that they had broken up, I wasn't happy that he was now free to be with me. I was just wary of somebody who could spend two nights flirting with you without ever mentioning he was dating somebody. Slowly we became friends again and then started dating. Looking back I wonder if I should have given him that chance at all. We were so young and I just always assumed he would keep on growing up. I assumed I would too. When we had kids and I became sick, it became evident just how much he never did.

 

He's done more growing in the last 6 months than he has done in all the time I've known him (DD was 16 months ago but it took awhile for him to face the responsibility for the A). Maybe because he's afraid of being alone. So maybe it really does all come down to that. I don't think he has ever wanted to be a better person for himself, and that's a problem. 10 years ago he quit smoking and he would constantly tell me that he did it for me. I always said, "That's nice and all, but you should do these things for YOU." I wonder if he'll ever grow enough to want to be a better person for his own sake. I wonder if him doing it for me is enough.

 

So anyway, I do agree that it's some absurd selfishness to keep two people on the hook, to let the BS think things are fine and let the AP hope they'll be together exclusively in the future. But it's probably more about cowardice and conflict avoidance and character weakness than it is fear of being alone. Because they've got two (or more) partners at the moment; why would they doubt they could find more in the future?

[elaine567]

This thread is prompted by a comment that someone made somewhere else on this forum - ( and I'm sorry I can't remember where it is to give you credit for it ! )

 

that cake-eaters cheat because they "are scared to be alone"

 

The explanation being I presume, is that the cake eater needs a back up plan B, as they think they may be in danger of losing their marriage ie their plan A.

[dreamingoftigers]

Cake eating and cheating are two different things.

 

 

You do not have to be a cake eater to cheat or a cheater to be a cake eater.

 

 

To be a cake eater all that is needed to be one is to have a deal where they get everything that they want without having to give up anything or pay any price to obtain.

 

 

The reason for having an affair has no bearing on being a cake eater. Unless the WS gets caught they never will be a cake eater for they never will be forced to choose the BS or the AP. Once caught though the WS has to end the affair or divorce the BS.

 

 

When the WS refuses to do either and tries to stay married and keep their AP that is when they become the cake eater.

 

 

The difference between men and women is that when a woman in general want to leave her marriage they usually will not do so until they have a replacement man lined up so they can go straight from the old relationship to the new relationship.

 

Though most WS enter affairs just for some side action and once caught drop the AP like a bad habit.

 

 

Unless there is prolonged continuing of the affair after D day then there is no cake eating.

 

I've read and seen the exact opposite. The guy doesn't leap until he has another woman lined up and women do things like wait until the youngest is out the door and then they leave without looking back.

[elaine567]

The guy doesn't leap until he has another woman lined up

 

That was my understanding of the situation too.

[elaine567]

Unless the WS gets caught they never will be a cake eater for they never will be forced to choose the BS or the AP. Once caught though the WS has to end the affair or divorce the BS.

When the WS refuses to do either and tries to stay married and keep their AP that is when they become the cake eater.

 

A cake eater is someone who is content to have the spouse at home and an AP on the side and is in no hurry to change that happy state of affairs, by leaving the spouse or ditching the OW.

 

I have never heard of the term only being used post dday.

[dreamingoftigers]

It sickens me that so many BS are probably cheated out of a life with someone that truly loves them. They end up with WS that are completely fake and just using them as a home base, or a tool for their illicit thrill. It's so sociopathic.

 

I wonder how many BS go to the grave without ever having truly been loved by their partners.

[OneLov]

I don't think cheaters are afraid to be alone, per se. Because if they were, they wouldn't pursue another person as that would increase their risk of facing their presumptive worst fear. I think most of them believe that they'll have a soft landing if things don't work out. So, yes, they may ultimately fear being alone, but I think most cheaters don't even feel that's in the cards.

[elaine567]

. So, yes, they may ultimately fear being alone, but I think most cheaters don't even feel that's in the cards.

 

I agree.

They feel they are taking a calculated risk. They either believe they are so clever that they will never be found out, or if they are found out the BS will not leave them anyway due to "love", kids, status or financial concerns etc.

[OneLov]

I agree.

They feel they are taking a calculated risk. They either believe they are so clever that they will never be found out, or if they are found out the BS will not leave them anyway due to "love", kids, status or financial concerns etc.

 

I think this can also explain why the 180 is effective. The 180 undercuts the assumptions most make when they feel they've taken a calculated risk. So if their assumptions go out the window, their ability to control the situation becomes much more difficult.

[MissBee]

In my experience, cake-eaters are often insecure, scared and conflict-avoidant and really don't like to take risks that they aren't sure they can win. Now, this isn't to say that their reasoning is always logical or rational...and sometimes it backfires, but I think for many the thought process is one of how can I get all I want without any risk to me (again they may be misjudging the risks and omitting possibilities, but it doesn't negate that they do think about it in terms of what they can account for and avoid in terms of risks).

 

The ones I've dealt with from 2 stints as an OW certainly thought this way, whether they acknowledged it or not, all the discussions and things they said more or less though pointed to that kind of reasoning, in my case lots of their concerns were about what if they leave and I change my mind about them or what if this and that and basically there was a feeling of having a sure thing on one hand (their main SO) and one outside exciting not sure thing and basically they weren't interested in giving up either esp not the sure thing. But when push did come to shove though they would much rather keep the sure thing.

 

People don't cheat for fear of being alone, but why people cake-eat, i.e. wanting both their SO and an outside person and not being willing to choose, is often tied to fears, insecurity, avoiding conflict and being scared of risking losing "it all" or coming out of their comfort zone. Cake-eaters basically want to be in their comfort zone and have things their way, as comfort is tied to safety and a level of security while making a decision is tied to them having to face uncomfortable truths or possibilities: whether it's facing your relationship and yourself and why you resorted to cheating and asking hard questions/coming to harsh truths OR facing a new person in a new relationship that may not work out and still having to do the hard work or maybe realizing the grass isn't greener and the problem is you. Neither of these are appealing to conflict-avoidant, insecure people so they inevitably don't choose by cake-eating...and if they are forced to, they often stick with the status quo, unless a dday occurs and then they may be forced to deal with things. I think ddays are important for that reason, as if the person's behavior is not discovered they will either repeat it or just continue in whatever problematic thoughts and behaviors that led to the cheating, whereas if discovered, it becomes wide open and they have to address it because of the consequences.

Edited August 13, 2016 by MissBee

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think cheaters are afraid to be alone, per se. Because if they were, they wouldn't pursue another person as that would increase their risk of facing their presumptive worst fear. I think most of them believe that they'll have a soft landing if things don't work out. So, yes, they may ultimately fear being alone, but I think most cheaters don't even feel that's in the cards.

 

I know my cheater feared being trapped.

 

I think that's pretty common.

 

Fearing being trapped by over-investing.

 

So they don't by screwing around

[MissBee]

I know my cheater feared being trapped.

 

I think that's pretty common.

 

Fearing being trapped by over-investing.

 

So they don't by screwing around

 

Yup, many cheaters are also commitment phobic. People think commitment phobia means you actively avoid relationships, not so. People who are commitmentphobic engage in relationship ALL the time, which is the messy aspect; however, they often sabotage it or do things to create distance (work a lot, cheat, have only long distance relationships etc) so they don't feel trapped. Plus every commitmentphobe has their trigger and threshold, for some they can't make it past 3 dates with someone or never get to the exclusive relationship stage, others may move in but can never commit to marriage because it feels like a trap they can't get out of, others are fine with marriage but say when they have kids they freak out and begin to feel trapped...at whatever threshold it is for that person is usually when they will do things to create distance or exercise their freedom and for some cheating is what they do. While they're cheating the anxiety calms down and they realize they aren't trapped and then realize they don't in fact want to get out of their relationship, because the catch-22 is that if they leave their spouse to be with the other person full time, they would run into the same problem (starting to feel trapped)....so the cake-eating satisfies that feeling of there being an "out" so to speak and not fully being locked in either way, but still getting their needs met.

Edited August 13, 2016 by MissBee

[JDPT]

Maybe women cheaters.

 

Guys in general don't do affairs for emotional connections....they are in it for the chase and the getting a piece of ass. ...guys just want as much p**** as they can get. AP's also give the booty without the everyday, boring couple crap.

 

 

Not really. I've dealt with plenty of women who cheat just because they want to get laid. Nothing more, nothing less.

[JDPT]

I know my cheater feared being trapped.

 

I think that's pretty common.

 

Fearing being trapped by over-investing.

 

So they don't by screwing around

 

Very interesting.

[dreamingoftigers]

Not really. I've dealt with plenty of women who cheat just because they want to get laid. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

If I were a cheater, that is EXACTLY that kind of cheater I would be.

 

It kind of bothers me, so I don't do dumb sh*T like cheat because I don't want to betray my children's security, my own self-image and I really don't want to use people, because I know I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a guy that would knowingly sleep with a married woman. Nor do I want to be a lying d-bag and tell some dude I'm single to use them.