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How to restart and get it right?!


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I'm at a desperate point. I've been doing this for years on and off as I just don't learn when it comes to this clearly. I'm really truly in love with my partner of 7 years and all I seem to be doing at this point is hurting her and our family as a result (2 kids, one from her previous relationship and one of our own).

 

I am a text book fast forwarder. I always knew I did these things but now have a name for it but I went into this relationship probably at the wrong time but when I met her I was blown away. We skipped a lot of parts because I knew I wasn't good at them and was afraid of letting her down in the process. I regret that so much now and now everything I avoided are now the only things she sees in our relationship and honestly my efforts to be better at them has just made it worse it seems.

 

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I've been trying to propose for the last few years at this point because every time I go to something gets in the way (usually these things causing tension) and I kept putting it off until now she has made it clear she will say no if I even try until she can trust I actually can and want to do these things. She has also said that if someone else comes along she is open to it.

 

* VERY hit or miss on gifts, tend to be a miss and when it is a hit, I keep doing it making it a miss in the end

* Don't give her 'highlights' in life

* Seem to live life in 'rehearsal'

* I don't provide security for her

 

I really could go on and on but I'm at a loss as to how to make this better. I feel like I should just let her move on and find someone who actually can give her the life she wants and deserves without all this baggage but at the same time I really do love her and my family as a whole which I don't want to have broken up just because of these things!!!

 

I'm ranting now, I know but if anyone has any suggestions on how I can deal with this I'd be grateful.

 

Thanks

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I have no idea what you have just said.

 

Could you take a deep breath, clear your mind and tell us what the problem(s) is and what your question for us is?

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Also if a woman tells a man she will say no if he proposes and that she is 'open' to becoming involved with someone else if someone else comes along, it really is a game-over moment.

 

At that point you are just a place holder to keep her entertained and to get her from getting too bored and lonely until her next suitor comes along.

 

This is a pretty dysfunctional form of being in the friendzone.

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* VERY hit or miss on gifts, tend to be a miss and when it is a hit, I keep doing it making it a miss in the end

 

Do you mean that you bought her a gift and got the 'wrong' thing? How do you even 'make it a miss in the end'? :confused:

 

* Don't give her 'highlights' in life

* Seem to live life in 'rehearsal'

 

What??

 

* I don't provide security for her

 

In what sense?

 

 

I'm ranting now, I know but if anyone has any suggestions on how I can deal with this I'd be grateful.

 

Thanks

 

We could be of much more help if we had more details/concrete examples. Your 'problems' are extremely vague.

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understand50

someguy83,

 

This is really not hard.....

 

First drop all the babble, and and work to put her and your kids first in your life. Not your comfort, not your ease. What she is looking for is someone that can be a partner, and work to raise the kids you have with her. She does not want to marry you as she does not believe you are in it for the long haul. This is why getting married before kids in so important. It shows commitment, it shows you will be there. Screw up your courage, ask her to marry you, and if she says no, work to change her mind with actions, not talk. Date her, be with her, build a life with her, and not just have her and kids around for show. Show her that she and your kids are the most important thing in your life, more then your comfort.

 

Buying gifts, is not going to help much. Do so, but keep them same and try and find things she needs or likes, and give them just because, not because a date is on the calendar. I think your main problem is that you have not been steady, involved, or committed.

 

I wish you luck.....

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understand50 Thank you, I'm surprised you could work out what I was on about from that post.

 

What has really clicked with me today was not what I was doing being an issue, it's the fact that I AM so all over the place with my thinking! I'm not being myself and I'm so consumed by trying to do / get / say / whatever the "right" thing I've missed the whole point. If I was being true to myself it will always be right instead of trying to 'convince' her to love me. It's easier said than done for me tbh, always been a bit of a people pleaser but I would rather be rejected for myself than for being someone else.

 

I might be convincing myself of something just to make myself feel better though...

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