Wife was cheating. Second chance or not?

[Careless Whispers]

Thank you for all the support. I will try to answer all the questions asked.

 

My wife and I both have our own individual counselors on top of the marriage counselor. We have both been tested for STD's and it is all clear. We have done paternity tests on all the children. All of this was a her insistence.

 

I do not believe everything I am being told now. Having said that I have not caught even a hint of a lie yet. She has given me access to her Facebook and phone so I can see all the correspondence between them. She has messaged them telling them it is over and to never contact her again. They have sent many replies but she has not responded to any.

 

All the other spouses have been told. Two have left, one is in about the same mindset as me.

 

When I say I'm embarrassed it's just because I should have known. If a friend came to me and said he just found out his wife had been cheating in the same scenario as mine I would have course been supportive. But truthfully I would be thinking how on Earth could you not know? I feel embarrassed that people will think that about me. That they will think I wasn't as alert in my relationship as I could have been. Maybe it’s actually true and I should have seen signs. My counselor says to not beat myself up but it’s hard not to.

 

As bad as she has been I can’t see how divorce is the answer. It might be best for me, she probably deserves it, but the kids have done nothing wrong, they don’t deserve to lose a parent. It’s unlikely I will get custody, the Mom normally does, the court system sucks. So I get visitation only to my kids when I have done nothing wrong?! I can’t accept that. They need a father and a mother with them.

 

I know this might sound weird, unhealthy even, but I’m more angry about the lies and deception than I am about the sex. That does not mean that I excuse it although I can understand why people might think I am saying that. That may change at some stage but right now it doesn’t matter that it was 3 guys and not one.

 

I have told her I need time as many here have suggested. She has given me my space and always been there to answer questions or sometimes just face my anger when I need to vent at her. I just wish she had put as much effort into us before as she is doing now.

 

The truth is I can’t see me ever trusting her again, at least for a very long time. But I refuse to walk away from my kids. As long as we can remain civil then there’s no reason for me to leave although the husband/wife relationship is over for now and quite possibly unrecoverable. As long as we can parent together I will stay. What comes in the future I don’t dare guess but I do hope that we can reconcile. I do believe that reconciling with a wife that has cheated in the way she has is weak hence why I think I am being weak.

 

Sometimes I feel like I only want to reconcile because it is all that I have known for so long and an uncertain future alone is very scary. Other times I feel like I really do want to forgive her and try and get back what we had. As people have said, time will provide answers to that.

 

I know this is something that I need to overcome but I just can’t bring myself to confess what has happened to friends who no doubt would offer their support if they knew. It is a very embarrassing situation for me. I have one very close female friend that would have my back in any situation without judgement. In fact she would be angry that I have no yet told her. But I don’t feel that a deep and meaningful confession session with someone of the opposite sex is advisable. At least that is what I have seen from other people that have entered that realm. My counselor thinks I should use whatever support I have. I just think it may create more problems than it would solve.

 

On another note, I don’t know what these acronyms mean that were in some posts

 

CSA and FOO issues

 

has HB occurred yet?

 

Can someone please enlighten me?

 

Thanks for taking the time.

[standtall]

Careless...your just beginning to find out. I am going to sound harsh, and I apologize ahead of time, but I am going to differ from most posters here.The s*** she did with those men is going to eat you alive.....man, save yourself a lot of grief and start moving on and get a divorce.

[doyathinkso]

Poor overwhelmed Careless Whispers, I'm sorry but you are forcing me to repeat myself ....

 

It is far far better for children to have come from a broken home than to have to live in one, so ....

 

RUN Forrest!!!! RUN!!!

[Marc878]

FOO- family of origin

 

HB - hysterical bonding

[Wade Lamare]

 

CSA and FOO issues

 

has HB occurred yet?

 

Can someone please enlighten me?

 

Thanks for taking the time.

 

CSA = Childhood Sexual Abuse. The theory that childhood sexual abuse can lead to a dysfunctional attitude towards sex and relationships in adulthood

 

FOO = Family of Origin. The theory that a dysfunctional family life can lead to a dysfunctional adulthood.

 

HB = Hysterical Bonding. A state that many couples, not all, enter after discovery day. It is a period when the couple involved enter into very frantic , heavy and frequent sexual activity. Often to the point of both complaining of being sore down there.

The theory is that this is a primal response to the affair and both partners are reclaiming each other and reconnecting via sex.

Can also merely be the WS (wayward spouse) trying to rugsweep by using the ploy of bonking the BS (betrayed spouse) brains out.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Wade Lamare
changed couple to partners for clarity

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for all the support. I will try to answer all the questions asked.

 

My wife and I both have our own individual counselors on top of the marriage counselor. We have both been tested for STD's and it is all clear. We have done paternity tests on all the children. All of this was a her insistence.

 

I do not believe everything I am being told now. Having said that I have not caught even a hint of a lie yet. She has given me access to her Facebook and phone so I can see all the correspondence between them. She has messaged them telling them it is over and to never contact her again. They have sent many replies but she has not responded to any.

 

All the other spouses have been told. Two have left, one is in about the same mindset as me.

 

When I say I'm embarrassed it's just because I should have known. If a friend came to me and said he just found out his wife had been cheating in the same scenario as mine I would have course been supportive. But truthfully I would be thinking how on Earth could you not know? I feel embarrassed that people will think that about me. That they will think I wasn't as alert in my relationship as I could have been. Maybe it’s actually true and I should have seen signs. My counselor says to not beat myself up but it’s hard not to.

 

As bad as she has been I can’t see how divorce is the answer. It might be best for me, she probably deserves it, but the kids have done nothing wrong, they don’t deserve to lose a parent. It’s unlikely I will get custody, the Mom normally does, the court system sucks. So I get visitation only to my kids when I have done nothing wrong?! I can’t accept that. They need a father and a mother with them.

 

I know this might sound weird, unhealthy even, but I’m more angry about the lies and deception than I am about the sex. That does not mean that I excuse it although I can understand why people might think I am saying that. That may change at some stage but right now it doesn’t matter that it was 3 guys and not one.

 

I have told her I need time as many here have suggested. She has given me my space and always been there to answer questions or sometimes just face my anger when I need to vent at her. I just wish she had put as much effort into us before as she is doing now.

 

The truth is I can’t see me ever trusting her again, at least for a very long time. But I refuse to walk away from my kids. As long as we can remain civil then there’s no reason for me to leave although the husband/wife relationship is over for now and quite possibly unrecoverable. As long as we can parent together I will stay. What comes in the future I don’t dare guess but I do hope that we can reconcile. I do believe that reconciling with a wife that has cheated in the way she has is weak hence why I think I am being weak.

 

Sometimes I feel like I only want to reconcile because it is all that I have known for so long and an uncertain future alone is very scary. Other times I feel like I really do want to forgive her and try and get back what we had. As people have said, time will provide answers to that.

 

I know this is something that I need to overcome but I just can’t bring myself to confess what has happened to friends who no doubt would offer their support if they knew. It is a very embarrassing situation for me. I have one very close female friend that would have my back in any situation without judgement. In fact she would be angry that I have no yet told her. But I don’t feel that a deep and meaningful confession session with someone of the opposite sex is advisable. At least that is what I have seen from other people that have entered that realm. My counselor thinks I should use whatever support I have. I just think it may create more problems than it would solve.

 

On another note, I don’t know what these acronyms mean that were in some posts

 

CSA and FOO issues

 

has HB occurred yet?

 

Can someone please enlighten me?

 

Thanks for taking the time.

 

Whispers,

 

Ok, lets start at the top. The first little problem you have to figure out is how to deal with the fact that there are at least two of these OM out there now loose who have been having sex with your wife repeatedly for a long time and who have NOTHING to lose by continuing to pursue her. So you THINK you have access to her electronics and it is good she sent the no contact communication, but the fact is that women in long term affairs normally in most cases develop pretty strong emotional feelings for men they are having sex with. AND IT IS OBVIOUS THEY ARE DETERMINED TO KEEP TRYING TO LURE HER BACK IN. So one or two questions I might be asking are

(1) was this all in a group sex setting, or was she also meeting these guys individually for sex???

(2) Was this just her and these three guys, or are there others that were involved??

(3) if there was another woman or women involved, are these people you also know?

(4) were any of her girlfriends aware of any of this going on??? If so, they have to go.

 

It is NOT unusual for the lies and deception to be more destructive than the sex, so do not beat yourself up on that one. Your counselor is correct on that one.

 

But you better understand there is NO WAY you will or should ever trust her 100% unconditionally again. This was not a simple drunken ONS after bowling. This was not a mistake. Forgetting Tide at the grocery store is a mistake. This was a long term series of calculated and planned betrayals that most likely would still be going on if the other spouse had not caught them.

 

Yes it is probably too early to make a firm decision, but you are making a big mistake verbalizing to her that no matter what you are not leaving because of the kids. That basically tells her that despite what she has done you are going to suck it up and rug sweep it. long term, the literature says that is not a good or healthy thing to do and will at some point result in other behavior not healthy for you or your kids.it also tells her that she is home free. You are not going anywhere and her only consequences is that she stopped bowling and sent a no contact communications.

 

Another question is HOW ARE THESE OM still continuing to contact your wife??? Why are they not blocked on all social media or her numbers changed. ??? Why have you not told them you will file a police report if they do not stop contact her? if need be she needs to give up FB or any other social media, and if she works with these guys the job has to go. it bothers me as to why she has not voluntarily figured out how to stop them OM from contacting her.

 

Whispers, the saying is verify EVERYTHING right now. That means not beating yourself up for missing signs ( most of us did), but NOT ignoring what needs to be done to protect YOURSELF.

 

I suggest you

(1) look for what is called a 'burner phone". These folks are EXPERIENCED cheaters. if she has this, it will be hidden where you ordinarily would NEVER go.Her lingerie drawer, coat pockets, hidden in the car, ANYWHERE you are unlikely to look.

(2) put a VAR in her car. If she is breaking NC, and most long term female cheaters do at some point, it will happen in the car or at her work. And if any of her girlfriends knew or colluded with her in this, she WILL talk to them when she thinks there is no possibility for you to know. YOU DO NOT EVER TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS.

(3) put a gPS on her car. YOU DO NOT TELL HER THIS EITHER.

(4) and lastly, I would tell her that at some point before you make a final decision that she is taking a polygraph test. her reaction to that will tell you something about whether or not you have the whole truth or not, even if you do not do it. She should be eager if there is no more to hide.

 

You are making a HUGE mistake to accept and believe everything you are being told right now, and that will bite you if you go that route. not telling you to D. Just telling you now that you have been whacked to get your head out of the sand.

 

And MC is NOT the magic pill. People spend years searching for this elusive "why". She did it and kept doing it because

(1) she never thought she would get caught

(2) she liked it and the excitement

(3) and there is NOTHING you can do to 100% guarantee in stone that it can never happen again

 

you need to accept that and not think that anything you do is the total CURE .

[aliveagain]

Friend, staying for the children is the wrong reason for staying in a marriage. Your committing yourself to a marriage that is more like a prison sentence then one based on love. What are you showing your children? They will see the difference and what they see is what they will be basing their normal on. "Foo" refers to the "family of origin" as in issues that were caused due to something that happened in her childhood, rape, abuse, bullying. "HB" is the strong desire for sex that occurs between a husband and wife after infidelity, hysterical bonding is the correct term. It does not last long, anger usually replaces the need to reclaim your sexual territory.

 

There are three other families involved, 8 adults, you can't control what they say to others or to their children. You will be the talk of your hood. Let's hope your children don't find out the truth about their mother through school or friends. I think you are going to show your children that infidelity is acceptable and that is just wrong. You deserve to be happy, how can you be happy with someone that gave away so easily what you hold and value so dearly? In time and with years of therapy you may be able to trick yourself to accepting her brutal infidelity but it will never ever go away. What is your other option, an open marriage? I would have a very hard time making love with someone that treated something that was so sacred to me with such valueless abandonment, she traded it for attention from other men. I would have a very hard time getting the images of 3 creeps with your wife in a cheap hotel room or in the back of a van, hard to write the words.

[Wade Lamare]

Just as a point of clarification Careless you mention that you discovered that it was the whole team in some 'bizarre group sex thing'.

 

Do you mean that they involved in multi partner sexual activities at the same time a la an orgy?

 

Or did you mean that they all had sexual hook ups at different times?

 

Sorry if it's an ick thing for you to explain but I think it is an important distinction.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but again you have nothing to be embarrassed about. In healthy marriages no one suspects that their spouse is having an affair and should automatically know when they are. That's ridiculous and your friends and family will not have expected you to have known. Your wife is nasty and if you think she is all of a sudden going to be satisfied with vanilla sex with one man you are wrong. She did what she did with those men because that's what she wanted and that's who she is. They know it and that's why they are trying to get her back. Honestly I wouldn't even want her around my kids, especially my daughters. She's a horrible role model. You may take her back but I can promise you that when things calm down she will want that type of sex again.

[understand50]

Careless Whispers,

 

First of all, I take the position that your reasons for staying with her are yours alone. Please continue to read and think about other sides of the argument, but in the end do what you feel is right for you and your family. The ones advocating divorce, mean well, and I can not only see where it is DESERVED by her in this case. So, going forward, if you are going to try and reconcile, know that it will be much harder then just divorcing her. Have her read and you read as well the top post in this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

It looks, from what you have wrote, that she doing what she is supposed to, and that is a good sign. I am one who believes that she needs to answer all your questions, and truthfully, no matter how hard. Remember, if you ask hard questions, you will and should get hard answers. You are going to feel just plain crappy for time. Unfortunately, this only really passes with time. I know it will be hard, but at sometime, you will need to interact with your wife, in a positive way, I would suggest, when you are ready, a date night where the subject is off the table. She, as well as you, will need a brake from being mad 24/7. Try and carve out some time to reconnect.

 

IF you cannot do this, you may want to look at divorce, as reconciliation would not be in the cards for you. The advanage is that you will know you give it a chance, and this will help when you explain it your children now or later. Your marriage, will never be the same. You will never be the same. You will never really trust her again. I would state, that in all marriages, even without infidelity, you should not trust 100%.

 

There are some marriages here that have reconciled, and are making it work. There are those that have divorced and gone on to better relationships, so in any case do not be afraid of what is to come. Your wife has done a huge blow to you and your family, you can rebuild.

 

I wish you luck.......

[oldshirt]

I think I just need people to slap me and tell me to wake up. I am a mess, my heart and head are pulling me different ways. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat, I just want my life back.

.

 

I didn't want my parents to grow old and sick and fall apart day by day. I didn't want to get the phone calls that they had passed away in the night (separately about 2 months apart)

 

I didn't want to have to deal with all the paperwork and the funerals and lawyers and estates and auctions.

 

I wanted my old life back with two healthy, happy parents and not have all the hassle and paperwork.

 

But their deaths was my reality.

 

Your situation is basically a death too. It is the death of the life you thought you had. A death of the wife you thought you had. The death of love and sex life you thought you had.

 

And the death of the life that you thought you would have in the future.

 

It's gone.

 

Yes the physical presence of the woman you thought you knew is still in your home but all the rest of that is gone.

 

Her tears and promises might make it seem like life can go back to what it was but it can't. It can't for you because your trust and respect and esteem of her has been forever shattered.

 

And it can't go back for her either. She has had the fun and thrills and excitement and hormone rush of three men (that we know of) making love to her for over 2 years (that we know of).

 

During that time while she was living the life of a porn star, you were home taking care of the kids and doing the dishes and scrubbing the toilets.

She may have tears and apologies but she has no respect or esteem or admiration for you. She simply likes having you give her a roof over her head and likes the free babysitting service while she is out getting gang banged.

 

She has had the thrills and excitement of three other men (that we know of) making love to her at the same time while you did the dishes. That has set the high-water mark for her sexual pleasure and excitement. She will never look at you with the same desire or passion or satisfaction again. You will always come up short (no pun intended).

 

You two can choose to remain in the home together as roommates and coparents and you can remain legally married on paper.

 

But the spirit and the intimacy and the trust and mutual respect and passion for each other has been broken forever. I am sorry.

 

If you want a roommate to help with the household chores and provide some free childcare, you can choose to keep her in the house if you want.

 

But if you want a real relationship with a faithful woman who respects and desires you and can have an exclusive, intimate relationship with, you will have to seek that elsewhere.

 

That kind of relationship with her has died.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Many people would immediately go to divorce in your situation, while some will reconcile. Neither approach is right or wrong in and of itself, but what is right for you. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. This has to start with the offending party being contrite, openly answering all questions, open with devices and media and doing those things necessary to help their partner heal. To this point she appears to be on course, but I would caution to go slow.

 

A couple of things I would like to add, I think you need to disclose to a select few. This is not your shame, but hers. Don’t kick yourself for not finding out sooner, you were trusting of your spouse. Naturally you will be more vigilant going forward, but no shame in trusting your spouse. If you were to fold your cards and file for divorce tomorrow, no one could blame you. Still if you think that this can be salvaged and want to take the chance, then go for it dude. It takes a strong person to reconcile in light of these events.

[NTV]

Don't lie to yourself here. You have already made up your mind. You're just facing shock right now... so take care of yourself.

 

You have five kids that are watching and learning how to deal with life when stuff hits the fan.

 

How would you want them to react to the same thing? That's your answer. That's what you have to do. You wouldn't want any of them going to jail for getting revenge. You wouldn't want any of them abandoning your potential grandkids.

 

Plan out what you would want them to do in the same situation and then do it.

[aliveagain]

Two others are splitting up for participating, one is of the same mindset as yourself which must mean that no matter what she has done or does your staying married to her. The other men all participated one time at each event, your wife had porn star sex 4 times at each event, oral, penetrative and whatever else that entailed. She was the human piñata, the main attraction, nothing took place, no sex happened without her approval. She was all in and had to do a lot of planning to deceive you this long. How did she hide the smell of sex with 4 men when she came home at night? Where did the sex happen? Has your wife been evaluated for sex addiction? I think you are just bringing more pain into your life because trust will always be an issue in your marriage. How do you hold on to your dignity after something like this?

[GoldenR]

I know this might sound weird, unhealthy even, but I’m more angry about the lies and deception than I am about the sex. That does not mean that I excuse it although I can understand why people might think I am saying that. That may change at some stage but right now it doesn’t matter that it was 3 guys and not one.

 

This.....smh....this is not rational. Three vs one doesn't matter? And the lies matter more than the act? So you'd have been ok, or less hurt, if she had just come to you and said, "Hey CW, I'm going to have weekly orgies with my bowling team. K? K.".

 

Let me suggest something. Do a Google video search for "gangbang porn". Then pick a video, doesn't matter which one, and watch it. And then put your wife in place of the female lead. Then tell yourself it's still the lies that matter and not how many guys. If you can honestly do this, then I'll agree with you to R, bc you were obviously made to be with her.

[oldshirt]

 

 

As bad as she has been I can’t see how divorce is the answer. It might be best for me, she probably deserves it, but the kids have done nothing wrong, they don’t deserve to lose a parent. It’s unlikely I will get custody, the Mom normally does, the court system sucks. So I get visitation only to my kids when I have done nothing wrong?! I can’t accept that. They need a father and a mother with them.

 

.

 

Assuming neither one of you is determined to be an unfit parent, how would they not have two loving, supportive and involved parents raising them?

 

For some reason people seem to have this image in their mind that if a man leaves his cheating and disrespectful wife that he is going to abandon and neglect his children or that he is never going to be able to see them again.

 

Why do you think this will be the case?

 

Why do you think that you still won't be able to go to all of their games, coach their leagues, help them with homework, fix their bikes, read them bedtime stories and guide them and mentor them into independent and self-supporting adulthoods.

 

Deadbeat dads are deadbeats and abandon and neglect their children because they choose to and because they are deadbeats. A man who wants to raise his children and be a positive influence in their lives can do so from a separate house from their mother just as a man can in the same house as their mother.

 

A good argument can even be made that it is better to be in two happy, healthy and supportive houses than one house filled with hostility, contempt, betrayal, distrust and disrespect.

 

If you really are disgusted by the thought and the sight of her and have bitterness towards her from the bottom of your soul and the fact that she obviously has zero respect and esteem for you, then forcing yourself to bite your lip and remain around her "for the children" is doing nothing more than scapegoating them and making them responsible for your misery. You are putting that ugliness on them and that is not fair to them.

 

You can be a fine, loving, supporting, guiding and involved parent from your own home just as you can from the marital home. Yes you may not be in their physical presence every single day, but you can still do all the things fathers need to do with the time you have.

 

By looking the other way and sweeping this under the rug, you are training your daughters to be whores and to disrespect and disregard their husbands so they can have some thrills with the guys down at the bowling alley. And you are training your sons to be cheated on and disrespected and to not stand up for themselves if it will cause a little disruption and uncertainty in their daily routine.

 

How effective of fatherhood is that???

[Jersey born raised]

Careless Whispers, understand50 thoughts and links are on the mark. I think you should read several times with a view of how the BS feels. I sense you are not allowing yourself to fully understand and accept the pain you are feeling, you have numbed yourself.

 

Again, issues are issues and adultery is adultery. Adultery creates a new age separate issues that need to be addressed before the issues in the marriage can be addressed. In you case if there are CSA or FOO issues, these issues predate the marriage but if you want to have a successful marriage you have to help her deal with them.

[Mr Blunt]

BY Careless Whispers

What comes in the future I don’t dare guess but I do hope that we can reconcile. I do believe that reconciling with a wife that has cheated in the way she has is weak hence why I think I am being weak

 

Yes you are weak and her actions made you weak. Anyone that tells you that they would not be weakened by such betrayal is not to be listen to.

 

You asked us in an earlier post what would we do. Well I told you what I did so what do you think about my suggestion? My response is reprinted below:

 

I would make my life and my children’s welfare the absolute number one priority. I would not allow my wife’s welfare to interfere in any way with my rebuilding plan. This is not a revenge thing it is a reality thing. You cannot build up yourself, your children, and your wife at the same time. So you have to eliminate one and that one would be your wife.

 

I understand that you want to R and not D. That is fine but a post-nup will protect you for your future and you can still have both parents in the same house for the benefit of your children. If you do not get a post-nup to protect yourself then you are weaker than I thought so what are you going to do? Your wife is starting to do a lot of actions that look like real remorse. However, your wife has permanently damaged herself in some areas, however you want to have a marriage with her for many more years. In a few years your wife’s guilt and remorse will wane and she will not be so eager to please you yet she will still have the damage to herself that she will have to deal with. I hope you are able to look beyond your correct emotional crises and take action so that your next 2-40 years will not leave you so vulnerable.

 

Your wife did not confess and you had catch her in her gang sex for TWO YEARS!!

 

Your wife is permanently damaged in some areas and you had better take some action to protect yourself for future years. I know that post-nup does not do a lot for your current ravaged emotions so that is why you need to make you and your children the absolute top priority right now!

[Buckeye2]

We first starting seeing each other as friends with benefits some 20 odd years ago. We were young, we experimented, we did things that we probably shouldn’t have. Eventually we fell in love and became exclusive and all the playing around stopped as we committed to each other.

 

I think that your wife never moved past the friends with benefits stage of life as much as you did. Three guys at once? It sounds as if sex isn’t a big thing to her. Never was and never will be. She just doesn’t get it at a gut level.

 

My analogy is someone that grew up eating pork and then converted to a religion where it’s a sin. They know that they promised not to do it. They will be in trouble and disappoint people if they do. But if they’re not caught they have no problem enjoying some bacon. They just can’t see that much wrong with it.

 

When I say I'm embarrassed it's just because I should have known. If a friend came to me and said he just found out his wife had been cheating in the same scenario as mine I would have course been supportive. But truthfully I would be thinking how on Earth could you not know? I feel embarrassed that people will think that about me. That they will think I wasn't as alert in my relationship as I could have been. Maybe it’s actually true and I should have seen signs. My counselor says to not beat myself up but it’s hard not to.

 

You put her on a pedestal. You would never cheat and you thought she was a better person than you. So there was no way in the would that she would cheat. You were projecting your good characteristics onto her. If something is impossible you don’t look for it or see it even if its staring you in the face.

 

If small things in your house are occasionally not where you left them the first thing you think of isn’t space aliens. Someone that knew for a fact that that are space aliens would get there a lot faster.

 

The truth is I can’t see me ever trusting her again, at least for a very long time. But I refuse to walk away from my kids. As long as we can remain civil then there’s no reason for me to leave although the husband/wife relationship is over for now and quite possibly unrecoverable. As long as we can parent together I will stay. What comes in the future I don’t dare guess but I do hope that we can reconcile. I do believe that reconciling with a wife that has cheated in the way she has is weak hence why I think I am being weak.

 

The perfect solution to your post just above is to divorce her and shack up. You are not being weak and you can parent together. Oldshirt's post above is spot on but if you have to stay with her then that's a way you can keep some self respect. Down deep I think your wife would respect you more too than if you just ate the $hit sandwich she handed you. Reread your post just above and think about it.

Edited August 14, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

She was the human piñata, the main attraction, nothing took place, no sex happened without her approval.

 

For two years in that group she was a queen, the ring master. She was the queen even while bowing because if she wasn't happy then they didn't get any later. Can you imagine having three men sucking up to her. If one man did anything to put her in a bad mood the other two men jumped him. "If momma ain't happy then ain't nobody happy."

 

it was a competition. How do you compete with that in or out of the bedroom?

Edited August 14, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

We have both been tested for STD's and it is all clear.

 

You will not know that for all STD's until after six months and retesting.During

 

that six months you can't have sex with other people or the clock starts over.

[merrmeade]

Sorry if I missed this, but how long was this multiple-AP affair going on?

[Mr Blunt]

Posted by careless Whispers

this group thing had been going on for just over 2 years.

 

From OP's first post in this thread.

[oldshirt]

two years of organized gang bang/group sex with multiple people is not an affair. That is a chosen lifestyle.

[Cephalopod]

If you are bound and determined to stay with her, at the very least you should demand she submit to psychiatric evaluation, namely sex addiction. She may or may not be SA, but it would be a cautious idea to at least investigate the possibility.

 

She set this whole sex ring up. Nobody forced her or manipulated her into doing this for two years. She was the ring leader. No doubt.